From Idea to Right in Front of Me

It’s Five Minute Friday…  Lisa-Jo throws out a word for us to write about for five minutes.  Just five minutes.  Throwing caution and editing and  back spacing to the wind.  You’ll note that I’m getting rather excited about closing in on the end of this deployment.  The end is in sight and the adventure of reintegration will soon begin.

Real

It’s been over five months now since I’ve seen his face (except for Skype) or held his hand.  Some days he feels like merely words on the computer screen.  And life…  My life feels solitary.  What’s more it feels like it’s always been like this and forever will be.  Me, making it on my own and missing him.

My brain almost convinces itself that he and our love are merely ideas.  He is a puff of smoke that appears on my computer screen in the early morning, and sometimes sends little notes back and forth with me through email if I stay up late enough at night.

But he is real.  Our marriage is too.  Even when it feels like an idea or words on a page.  He is muscle and bone and sinew and soon he will be a real and substantial presence by my side…  Taking up space in bed…  At the dinner table… Once more.

The stuff of our marriage is real too.  The love and the mess and the emotion.  At homecoming briefings they talk about ‘renegotiating the marriage contract.’  And that is a reality that must happen each and every time they come home.

You get to know different pieces of a person when you are connected by words on a page or on a computer screen, but I miss the muscle flexing that has to happen when communicating face to face.

I long for that to once again be a reality.

We are closing in.  Soon it will be a reality.  Soon I’ll have to downshift my brain from idea mode to flesh and blood in front of me mode.  There may be bumps and bruises along the way.  It might not be all happily ever after.

Reality rarely is.

But it will be SO good.

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10 thoughts on “From Idea to Right in Front of Me

  1. So happy for you and your family, Val…praying that God’s grace and goodness will overshadow all the bumps of re-entry. Praying He continues to sustain you all…you are amazing! Believe it, and don’t roll your eyes (smiles).

  2. How exciting that you’re getting your ‘real’ life back! I’m praying for and a rooting for a few IRL friends on as they await their respective husbands returning from deployments, and I’ll be praying for you guys, as well…and all of the adjustments that it brings!

  3. I’m feeling solitary tonight. My two big girls are at sleepovers so it’s just me and #3. I felt alone until I read your post and thought of the road you’ve been chosen to walk. I can really start to feel sorry for myself until I stop and think of someone else… of you…you who hasn’t seen or touched your dear one in 5 months. And this moves me away from my selfish prayers on to prayers for your sweet family. I have been blessed to be able to see my love face to face within the last two months and I get the privilege of talking to him every night. I’ve learned from you that this is not something to be taken for granted. Your real has been a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing a little slice of your life with the world.

    • Tracey! I want you to know I think of you and pray for you guys too. I’ve had nights where I’ve peaked at your blog just because I know you’re in a separated season too and I knew your words would be good company. Thank you for your words, but don’t minimize your experience. I’ve learned that gone is gone and it’s NEVER easy. Sending you ((((hugs)))) Wish we could get our kiddos together for a pizza and a movie night, snuggle them up, and sneak away for girl talk. We’d have so much fun!

  4. I am so happy you are so close to seeing your husband again! 🙂 I felt compelled to write to you…I hope you don’t mind!! I was reading “Confessions of a Milspouse” and I felt the same way you did…and I wondered if something was wrong with me! We started our first deployment a few short weeks ago and I keep wondering if it will get any easier…I mean, I’m not crying 24/7 or too depressed to even move off the couch like the first few days, but I don’t still don’t feel much better…and I wonder if I ever will until we are nearing the end of our deployment too. I felt so relieved, and normal, to know that I’m not the only military wife to feel like I won’t ever get there! I try and think of all the positives of deployment…and it doesn’t help much. I would give up every single perk of deployment to have my husband by my side every single day…

    I, too, know that other wives love their husbands just as much as I do mine…but I can never get use to him being gone…or look forward to any part of the deployment. Thank you again for what you said…and I just wanted you to know you made this young wife feel much better!

    • Jennifer, I’m so glad you wrote. I don’t disagree with the sentiments in “Confessions of a MilSpouse,” but I DO feel like we all do this differently, and that’s ok. This is my third deployment, and there were plenty of work-ups that have happened too. All the way through this one I kept thinking, “I am supposed to be seasoned at this. This is HARD!” IT took me about 2/3s of the way through to get to the ‘level place’ and I have had wobbly days even after that. I’m not depressed and we stay as light-hearted as possible, but it’s not easy.

      I’ve looked around at other wives who just kind of tear up and shrug their shoulders and then move on when their husbands leave. And I get that. I get how ‘normal’ it ends up feeling, BUT I’m not one who can do that, just the same. I try my best to not let my heartache render me unsupportive, but he is the other half of me and I just don’t function as well, or like my life as well when he’s not here. I just don’t. So I have to grieve a little bit each and every time. That’s how *I* do it. We’re all different and each deployment is different. Some are hard, and some are easier. But as long as we love them no matter what and are willing to weather whatever this lifestyle throws at them and therefore us with love and compassion, we’re doing ok. Whether we look pulled together, or whether we have to carry around tissues for unexpected tears the whole time.

      (((((hugs))))) to you. And thank you for writing.

      • You are so sweet, thank you! 🙂 I don’t disagree either with “Confessions of a MilSpouse”…I did enjoy reading her blog, I just felt like something was wrong with me because I didn’t feel that way when my husband leaves. And everyone was commenting saying how they are the same way…and I’m glad that’s what works for them! I really am! I was just wondering if there was anyone that felt the way I did and I’m glad I wasn’t alone! 🙂 I’m not depressed anymore either, thankfully…that was so difficult and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone…but I still miss him so much every second of the day and most nights I do tear up (or full on cry) for a little while before I shake it off. I still have a bit of a hard time going to fun community activities because I just wish he could be by my side enjoying it as well. I feel just as you do for your husband, he is the other half of my soul and I don’t do well either when he is gone. But I do love him no matter what and I will always be by his side supporting him in whatever he wants…I know he misses me just as much as I miss him, but I know he loves his work and is proud of serving his country and that does make it a teensy bit easier. 🙂 Thank you again so much for your kind words! ((((hugs))))

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