Spoiled Little Birthday Girl

Tomorrow is my birthday.

The standard milspouse line for a birthday when one’s spouse is away is, “As Military Spouses we know that a day is just  a day and that we can celebrate special days at our own time in our own way.”

But, as we’ve already established I’m just not doing so well with saying the lines on my milspouse script this time around.

Tomorrow is my birthday and my husband says that since it’s my party, I can cry if I want to.

My kids…  My amazing, amazing kids have been cooking things up for the last few days. I will get sweet, sweet little cards tomorrow that they have poured their hearts into.  And it will melt my heart and it will make tomorrow precious in spite of it all.  How do I dare complain in the face of such sweetness?

But this Mama is tired…  Just so tired.  Of doing it all, of being the Mom and the Dad.  Of trying to find some time, any time, to get the housework done, but still always being behind.  Of getting the house in order only to find it falling down around my ears a few minutes later.  Of parenting on fumes and trying so hard not to yell but finding myself hoarse again.  Of waiting for test results and answers.  Of planning for contingencies and unforeseen scenarios.  Of telling the kids for the 2000th time at 11 p.m. at night that they must, they must, THEY MUST GO TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW.

This Mama is tired.

My birthday is tomorrow and I never grew up all the way.  I’m just an overgrown five year old really.  I want the party and the balloons.  I want to be celebrated.  And there is a little spoiled brat inside of me warring and screaming that tomorrow just won’t be as special as I want it to be.  As it should be.  I turn 31 tomorrow and I want to feel good about it, but what I really feel is just…

Incomplete.

That’s what it comes down to.

What I really want tomorrow is him.  I want him next to me, doing this with me.  I want him to sing off key with the girls and to bake me a cake and decorate it better than I ever could. I want help wiping down the table and sweeping up the kitchen and the one person in the world who tells me that I am cherished and makes me believe it to be here to do just that tomorrow.

That’s what I want for my birthday, and I know I can’t have it.

I have to park my brain in better places than this, and I know it.

I’m trying to call my eyes and my heart to the abundance of love that God is showering upon me and the ways that he woos and celebrates me every day.  Through my kids and their pint-sized bodies and grandiose birthday overtures…  Through reminders that have been flashing over and over again of “My” verse.  Through him calling my mind back to the points in time when I have felt the most cherished by Him.

And it is in those moments that I will fight to stay and that I will try to cling to tomorrow.

I’d be lying though if I told you it wasn’t going to be a battle to keep my mind there.

This mama is tired and this road is wearying and long and I’m 31 tomorrow and baking my own cake.

His mercies are new every morning and the dawn of my 31st year will surely be no different, if I can keep my eyes open and my brain parked in his pastures of plenty.

P.S.  I have great hopes that eventually this blog will again become something other than a deployment whine fest.  Really.

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12 thoughts on “Spoiled Little Birthday Girl

  1. Happy Birthday! I wish I could bake you a cake or send you a gift, or just clean up for you. You go ahead and pout…get in the floor and throw a good ole fit. You’re allowed to do that at least once and year, and what better time than on your birthday. 🙂 I’ll just be honest and tell you that birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries don’t mean a thing to me anymore. They’re just another day. How sad is that? Keep treading water sweet girl, the shore will be in view soon. I’m praying for you.

  2. First, Happy Birthday!

    Second, DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR NOT LOVING THE DEPLOYMENT!!! You aren’t a spoiled brat. Special days during a deployment are the worst kind of reminders that they are gone. When my wife was in Afghanistan, I spent the first half of Christmas day putting on a happy face for my 4 kids, then, after an amazing amount of grace shown to me by my mom (“I’ve got the kids. Do what you need to do…”), I got absolutely blitz the second half of the day. Yes, I’m a believer just like you. But on that day, none of it mattered. I just hurt. I’d never been hammered before, nor have I done it again. But that day…

    Here’s the thing: deployments are hard. They are tiring (when my wife is gone, I usually find myself crawling into bed somewhere around 8:30). And they are incredibly lonely. BUT, and this is a huge one, I’ve found that “deployment days” rarely follow one another. If you want to whine, do so. If you need to cry, do so. Let it all out, then get some sleep. Believe it or not, tomorrow will be better.

    That awful day, 25 December 2009, came and went. When I got up on 26 December, it was over, and things were better. Nothing really had changed, just the calendar. That was, however, all I needed.

    Keep your chin up and do the best you can. And remember this…YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    Tim

    • THANK YOU. I have grabbed onto “You don’t normally have too many back to back ‘deployment days’ with both hands. And things have gotten better. I’m hanging in and trying to give myself permission to have ALL kinds of days this go around. Having support from people who’ve been there/done that, helps so much.

      Val

  3. Holy cow, way to bring me to tears! Well, not full on tears but my eyes definitely got a bit watery! You are an amazing writer…your words were so powerful. Happy early birthday, I know that it won’t be the same without him but continue to keep your chin up. We’ve almost got 2 months down! You’re clearly surrounded by lots of love and I know that even without him, it will be a fabulous day. 🙂

  4. Happy birthday to you,
    Happy birthday to you,
    Happy birthday, dear Val,
    Happy birthday to you!

    Birthdays need to feel special, in my book. And it makes total sense that your heart is aching. Your name is on a post-it note on my desk so that I see it and pray for you, and I pray that your day will feel special because it is your day, despite the circumstances.

  5. Happy birthday, sweet friend. I’m glad you shared your feelings; isn’t that what a blog is for? I know I can’t say anything to bring him home, but please know that I’ll be praying for you, that God will comfort you and show you the depth of His love for you tomorrow. {hugs}

  6. Happy (belated) Birthday Val! Your girls sound so sweet … thanks for being honest…can’t imagine how tired you must be…Praying that God would sustain you and watch over you and your family…You are so amazing! Really.

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