So I hit a wall. I hit a wall and I had a few days where I cried a lot and I felt miserable. And I read comments that some of you sweet folks left. And then I remembered.
I remembered the numbness. I remembered how closing myself off from the awful feelings and trying to ‘suck it up and deal’ made me forget how to feel. I remembered the “On and Off Switch” that got stuck.
I remembered John 1:1-18 and the admonishment to memorize it and root it deep into my brain and my heart and to remember that the WORD became FLESH. That Jesus was HUMAN. And that I am called to become more and more human–to follow hard after Him and to watch the work of redemption craft me into more and more of who I was created to be each day.
But I have to stay open. I have to let myself feel. I have to be ready to roll and yaw and pitch in this amazing journey of life. I have to remember that sometimes those who are most blessed realize those blessings in circumstances that look more… HARD than blessed to the naked eye.
So as I walk into this New Year… I can’t imagine what kinds of curve balls and changes and new journeys it will bring. I find myself apprehensive about new years because of the number of curve ball years it seems we’ve had. And yet the lesson in that is that if I stay open to the every day…. If I take it just a day at a time, a moment at a time, an emotion at a time… I can see the gifts of right now. I can feel the feelings. I can become more me. And I can ride out the waves and the curve balls as they come. After all, His grace has allowed me to this far.