I am thankful that he was here for all of Lainey’s first year. I am thankful that he will be here for Thanksgiving. I am thankful that he was here for all of the Tomas saga. I am thankful for all the nights that Shore Duty gave me with him curled up against my back. I am thankful for the nights when we were in the thick of the Tomas saga when he held me as I cried myself to sleep. I am thankful for the tickle missiles he ‘shoots’ at the girls. I am thankful that he takes the girls so thoughtfully to do errands so that Lainey and I can have some quiet time. I am thankful for all the ways he has been able to help around the house. I am thankful that we have a roof over our head and money for groceries because of his career. I am thankful for his selflessness in providing for us. I am thankful for the health insurance… So thankful now. And even if what Leon Panetta says is true and a dramatic cut for the DOD is about to come across the board which would mean a lot of that security could disappear, I am thankful that we have it now.
I am thankful for the traditions we’ve gotten to observe in entirety for these years of Shore Duty (indeed, I almost feel guilty that we’ve had those years while so many service members and families have continued to give themselves raw). I am thankful that he is whole and healthy. I am thankful that no knocks at the door have come. I’m thankful that my missing of him will be temporary.
I’m thankful for things to keep me busy and for a phone call from another wife in the squadron and the potential of getting to know her. I am thankful that even through the fall out of church transition I have a wonderful new church to call home and programming there to keep me and the kids busy and connected. I am thankful for fledgling new friendships and for friendships which have roots.
I am thankful. For all of these things and more.
I am still sad. So sad. I am still struggling with the mix of doing this during the holiday season. I am still heart-sick when the girls ask me questions like, “But who will give me tickle missiles?” And “So Daddy won’t be here for my birthday?” I am still grumpy at the timing and the “All the troops home for Christmas” messages. I am still so tired… I seem to sleep, but never rest these days… I am still so distracted that I haven’t been getting laundry folded and while we may have plenty of food for Thanksgiving tomorrow, the house very well may be a mess. I am still anxious and sick to my stomach with dread. I am still stuck in the, “Maximize the time,” on one hand and the, “Please leave so that we can get this over with and start counting down to homecoming and not home leaving,” on the other hand vortex. I am still worried about the numbness coming back and the numbness not coming back.
I guess gratefulness isn’t supposed to cancel the tough stuff out, but to allow you to see the little sparks of light and goodness through them.
I feel as though God is whispering to me that if I look hard enough that each new day there will be something to sustain me… That each new day He will bring goodness to us and reason for joy on a gentle breeze. I pray that I have eyes to see. I also know I have to remember that even though the good days aren’t as good and the hard days are even harder that life doesn’t end and does not become only droopiness and doom. There will still be good days even when he is on the other side of the world and I can only share them via email. Every New Day there will be goodness. Every New Day there will be grace.
“Dear Father, I need you. Your strength my heart to mend. I want to fly higher, Every New Day again….. Healing heart have mercy on our unclean souls once again. Here’s my heart. Let it be forever yours. Only you can make Every New Day feel so new.” (Again Five Iron Frenzy gives me a lifeline to hold onto)
THAT is where I’m trying to park my head.
(My writing isn’t so flowery at the moment… Hopefully soon I will be able to craft my words a little more artfully again).