We got incredibly good news yesterday. The short version is this: The “nodule” that it seemed could be nothing but a tumor, appears to NOT be a tumor. It appears to be a lymph node.
I asked not too long ago, Where are the Tastier Tasting Foods and the Smellier Smelling Flowers that you’re supposed to find all over after surviving a major health scare?
I do believe as of last night I found them. I do believe maybe I needed to feel some sort of completion to this journey… some sort of resolution.
Today I want to dive in to all the goodness that there is. All day today I have felt very nearly twitterpated with life.
I want to walk barefoot in soft grass, and shuffle through crunchy leaves. I want to skip through the surf. I want to hug my little girls and feel the soft, wriggling little girl bodies nuzzle into mine. I want to revel in my husband’s embrace and do the sweet things that lovers do. I want to breathe in the sweet fragrance of life moving around me. I want to sink my teeth into the choicest of foods.
I have danced today. I sang out of key and at the top of my lungs today. I have laughed unfettered today. I have breathed deeply and embraced happiness without reservation. I haven’t done those things with such ease in a very long time.
The truth is that God was no less good yesterday when I thought I had another tumor than He is today. I was no less thankful for Him and the work–the sweet work and the painful work–that He is doing and has been doing in my life yesterday than I am today.
But today…. Today I can breathe freely in that goodness. Today I don’t have to work through so much gluck to orient myself in that joy.
It almost feels a little ungrateful. Why couldn’t I do this yesterday? Doesn’t having joy in all circumstances mean that I have my dancing shoes on in all sorts of weather?
But I will NOT should on myself here. I will only revel in the scandalous feeling of having the clouds lift. I will breathe deeply of air that has felt so long as though it was so thick it was palpable, but suddenly refreshes my lungs.
I will accept my good news and the good feelings that it brings.
I didn’t realize that I had been living life with such a heavy grey cloud hanging over me. I hope that you could tell from the words that I wrote here that I was doing my best to be intentional about tasting and seeing that the Lord is good even when some of the circumstances of life seemed at times to taste so bitter.
I didn’t know that I was holding my breath with the spectre of another tumor, another surgery, and too many questions hanging over my head. I didn’t know that I had been so tentative about taking air into my lungs while the questions and uncertainties loomed over me.
Until I could come out from under those things I didn’t know how much sway they held.
Something feels complete. Something feels restored.
I feel new.
God has not changed. Essentially only the interpretation of my scans changed. He has been good and has shown me SUCH GOODNESS throughout these long months.
He has NOT changed and my certainty of Him and love for Him has not changed.
But I can breathe now…. I can breathe now. And the whole world looks new.
I want to ask if that’s ok. Is it it ok that it looks new? That I feel SO MUCH BETTER even though I know that God and his goodness have not changed.
Surely it is. Surely this is just a different side of the experience of His goodness.
So I will snuggle in and I will sink my feet deep and I will pray that these lenses of lightness and this twitterpation with life will root itself in my life and remain.
I will continue to TASTE AND SEE THAT THE LORD IS GOOD IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES… And why not enjoy the good ones?!!
And I will rest now that the weight of a tumor is off my neck and the weight of the world is off my shoulders.