Growing? Shades of Denial

My Five Minute Friday didn’t go where I expected it to today.  I guess that’s ok.  It’s not very cheery or inspiring, but it’s part of where I’m at today.

Monday I have an endocrinology appointment.

Finally.

I don’t want to go.  We’ve waited so long and I need answers.

But I don’t want to go and start planning again.  I don’t want to go back to the world of wondering and stewing and feeling out doctors.

I don’t really want to know if the other ‘nodule…’ is growing.  I just don’t.  (I mean I do…  I need to  know.  I need to act and take care of it…  but I don’t).

I’m scared to find out.  I’m scared that it is.  And I still have so many questions about why it’s even there and if maybe we don’t have the full story on the genetic issues.  I don’t want  to go back to actually doing something about the vague feelings of worry over whether or not this is nothing or something and about whether or not the rest of this story is going to be ‘boring’ or get terrifyingly interesting.

I don’t want to shake myself out of denial.

This wasn’t the tack I wanted to take for Five Minute Friday.  I guess I should have written about my kids, or little Lainey who is ten months old–TEN MONTHS OLD.  Or I should have written about my spiritual growth or even played around with the idea of ‘growing quiet’ as I did at the beach on our little min-vacation this last week.

But I’m ruffled today by many things, not the least of them being the wondering and worrying over this little thing hanging out on my right carotid artery.  This thing that was poo-pooed away and forgotten about by people until I pressed it and told ‘Oh yeah.  There’s something there.”  This thing…  this new part of who I am and what my story is (not the whole, just a part, but an important part nonetheless).

Is it growing?  Is it something?  Or is it nothing?

I guess it’s time to find out.