I’m joining in the fun started over at Incourage today. Playing with the word “Still” for five minutes. Here goes:
Am I still here?
Am I still sitting here fretting and stewing about the tumor(s)? Am I still saying the same things over and over again? Writing the same things over and over again? Praying the same things over and over again? It’s still there (the new one… the little one… what is it???). But I’m still here.
Am I still at this ‘stuck’ place as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, as a housekeeper.
Am I still stuck in ruts of sin? Laziness and gluttony? Lack of self control? Still not doing what needs to be done? Still losing my patience with my girls? Still feeling such a fatigue of soul and spirit.
Am I still yelling too often and spinning the same tapes of self-hatred in my head?
Am I still doing the things that I ought not do even though I want to do otherwise?
Am I still doing the same things day in and day out and expecting different results?
Am I still here? Still me. Still messy and broken. Still not got it together. Still fighting the same battles and feeling the same weariness of a year ago and 2 years and 5 years ago.
I still don’t have it together.
But the good news is. He is STILL God. He is STILL good. He STILL loves me.
With all of my imperfection. With my messy house, and filthy bathtubs, and dusty bedroom, and kitchen amuk.
With my ‘spare tire(s),’ and start, try, fall again at so many issues–eating, cleaning, attitude… He STILL loves me.
He STILL cherishes me.
He STILL offers to empower me with His Holy Spirit.
He STILL equips me for the battle.
He is STILL perfecting me.
He STILL hasn’t given up. He STILL sees my faltering progress even when I can’t. He STILL sees that I stay in the game even STILL. Even the days when I feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere. I’m STILL trying and He is STILL giving me the strength to.
He is STILL good when the tumor is still there and the answers don’t come.
He is STILL. And he helps me to BE STILL and know.