When I went to see my doctor 7 months after Baboo came along to see if what I was feeling might be PPD, I kind of spilled my guts.
So much had happened in such a short time I felt like I didn’t have any sense of emotional equilibrium to compare to what I was feeling in that moment.
He assured me I did indeed have Postpartum Depression and I wasn’t particularly enthused about that. So I cried a little bit and freaked out a little bit. And tried to figure out a way that maybe it wasn’t PPD.
Then he said, “You’ve been through a lot. There’s no question on that. There have been a lot of ups and downs that you have gotten through in a very short time. And in the not too distant future, you are going to look back on this and say, ‘Hey. I got through that too.'”
I’ve said that very thing almost every time I’ve talked to another Mom going through PPD.
So real quick let me bring this blog up-to-date. This past spring we discovered we were expecting again. I didn’t write about it here partly because I was cautious about sharing the news. I’ve felt cautious about this pregnancy the whole time. I still do.
Then in June I was diagnosed with this weird loopy tumor on my carotid artery. You can read about that here if you feel like it.
Since then I’ve been surviving. And sometimes I’ve felt good and ok. And sometimes I’ve felt scared stupid. Sometimes I’ve just felt pregnant. I’ve been Googling and thinking and making decisions about treatment and learning as much as I can about my tumor because it is super rare and it’s even super rarer in people my age. Besides, educating myself and learning as much as I possibly could about this thing felt like I was actually DOing something. Truly the prognosis is good for which I am very, very grateful.
It wasn’t until tonight that I thought about what my doctor said in the context of what’s going on right now. “In the not too distant future I’m going to look back and say, Hey. I got through that too.”
When we walk through trials and we come out on the other side, for a little bit we look at life from a new perspective. I got through that horrific year when I lost my Mom, and my husband deployed, and my infant and I went to more funerals than anyone should in a single year and we lived in two different states. I got through PPD. I even remember how empowered I felt after I gave birth to my girls. I couldn’t believe my body had made this perfect little person and sustained her life and pushed her out and I felt like I could truly do anything and face anything.
Eventually though that feeling fades and the humdrum stuff starts looking daunting again and it’s a struggle to get through a day with a five-year old and a three-year old who are both displaying quite an attitude while your feet are swelling and your gait is starting to resemble that of a penguin (not that that has happened lately or anything). And then the big stuff, that you thought in the face of the other stuff you’ve gone through wouldn’t look so intimidating looks just as mountainous. And you forget that you once thought, “I got through that other gunky stuff… I can get through anything.”
But tonight I’m remembering. I’m remembering where I’ve come from and using that lens to look at where I’m going. I am a Navy wife. And seriously–we can do just about anything. I went through a year five years ago that I once thought would send me to an underground bunker and came out on the other side. I’ve beaten PPD and done what I could to speak into other’s lives that they can too. I’ve traveled cross country with infants and toddlers. And I’ve figured out how to clean both Karo syrup and Honey off of my kitchen floor (and two year olds).
As for this tumor and the surgery that’s coming after Baby Girl #3 arrives. Well. I’m gonna get through that too.
Besides, the reason that I have been able to come to the other side of those other things isn’t because I’m so awesome and wonderful. It’s because of my God who is awesome and wonderful. And His goodness has carried me through. His faithfulness has buoyed me. His strength and His spirit have guided me. And, “When God is for us, who can be against us?”
In His strength and power I can wake up every day until baby gets here and lay my worries down and focus on her arrival. In His strength and power I can face the travel and tests and surgery that will help me to get rid of this thing in my neck. In his mercy and grace I will find blessings along the way and comfort and encouragement on the days when the mountains just look way too freaking big. And in his goodness and grace I’ll come to the other side and look back and say, “I got through that too. He got me through that too.”