Another God gift this month: This time a song.
My friend, Amber, gave me a Nathan Clark George c.d. right before we moved back to Washington when Carolyn was a year old. I listened to it for three months straight. For whatever reason (now I suspect the mysterious ways of the holy spirit) I have been inexplicably drawn to his music again this month. I asked Andy for a c.d, and bless his sweet heart he got me 3 for Christmas.
As I was listening to the first, Rise In the Darkness (more on that darkness and light theme) the liner notes of one of the last few songs on the c.d caugt my eye. They mentioned NCG’s reaction to their families first miscarriage. I skimmed the lyrics and wept–and knew that my baby and my pain and my tears all matter to God.
“Oh, my child, I don’t even know
If you are a girl or a boy.
Oh, my Lord, please if you would,
Give a name you might enjoy.
It’s hard to let go just as soon as you know,
You’ve been given a life
Your mom and dad are hand in hand
With your brother in my lap,
Praying, Father, take our child…”
Now just to add on, I hate to give the impression that I am simply wallowing in this pain. I’m not. Life has been full. Magic came at Christmas. The joy of my children at such a young age lifted me. I’m doing normal life. But at least a few times a day I go to the place in my heart that hurts over this new sadness, and I attend to it. In short, for those of you who worry over my blog posts… DON’T.