I’ve wanted this blog to be about the holy ordinary. I blog about the ordinary. But how often do I endeavor to find the Holy there? I want to work harder at that.
I can tell you today that I am blah. I am in the greyest of blahs. The sun is out. It’s a beautiful day. I’m planning on taking the girls out for a walk and to the park, but I am blah. I want to escape some more. Watch movies. Putter on the Internet, eat cookies. Stay in pajamas. Burrow away. Hide until all I don’t want to do or face goes away.
I made cookies yesterday as an activity to do with C, but also as a way to escape the every day crazies of yesterday. I tried to make them healthier by substituting applesauce. They don’t have that snap. Or richness. They are very unsatisfying. I gorged on them yesterday trying to find the satisfying taste I craved. I came up short at every bite.
My day today feels like those cookies taste. It lacks snap. It lacks richness. My house is a disaster and there is a pile of laundry up to the ceiling. My kids are energetic, but exhausting, and despite the extra sleep I got this morning I am tired. I am just tired.
I feel like shades of grey.
I want to seek out the richness and the snap. I want a full-bodied taste to my day. But I have to give a little, put out a little effort. I just don’t want to engage.
I want to mentally transform the blah into beautiful. Ann at Holy Experience again convicted me. Convicted me about gratitude, about seeing with God’s eyes and not my own. And truly, the spirit has been speaking to me about that. About seeing with new eyes. About living in the empowerment of the spirit. About my spiritual life being about experience.
So today I want to see the miracle of pudgy hands on my thigh, instead of the drudgery of another request to be picked up by Mama with a tired back.
I want to see the beauty of sisters sitting on a makeshift, very soft bench, made of one of those piles of laundry.
I want to engage… To be enveloped and inside of, and tasting the full-bodied richness of my children’s giggles… And I want to see more than my annoyance and fatigue when those giggles turn into shrieks and screams.
I want to find the Holy in the Ordinary and see the blahs of today transformed into beauty.
I will have to engage with the present and stop running away. I’ll have to wade into the mess in front of me instead of trying to hide.
I’ll have to see with new eyes.