It’s Surgical

“It’s psychosomatic.  You’ll need a lobotomy.  I’ll get a saw.”  –Calvin and Hobbes

I’ve told several people over the last few days that I feel like God is doing open heart surgery on me.  Only it seems like open heart surgery would be quicker–just a few hours in a sterile OR instead of another cut occurring every few days in the midst of the messiness of life.  The physical wouldn’t be easy.  I know this.  But these things on the spiritual and emotional level certainly seem at least almost as excruciating.

I’m dealing with things that I have preferred to shove down deep for years.  I’m learning new more healthy ways to approach my feelings and my relationships, but the doing of that is hard.  Old habits die hard.  New habits form slowly.

And I’m discovering new hurts, and old hurts that go down so much deeper than I ever expected.

It all sounds very dramatic, and I suppose on some levels it is.  But I also think it’s just my thing right now.  It’s just me.  It’s this season.  It leaves life feeling strange because while things are going very well right now in general, the work that is going on beneath the surface makes me feel like a wreck all the time.  It feels much different than the foggy, vague, but undeniable badness of depression.  It feels like purposeful rawness and pain and feeling.  But it’s hard and exhausting.

Husband and I, together, are learning more about our relationship as we discover things about ourselves that we haven’t been able or willing to face before and this leads into more raw territory.  The fruit of this, I pray will be a connectedness that I’ve longed for, and a new depth to our relationship. 

As I embark on, what may be, a welcomed season of teariness–welcomed because the tears have been stashed away for far too long–I am noticing that when I feel my feelings, when I let the build up and release of them to run the full course, I am able to be so much more present to my family.  Joy seems less effortless.  My spirit feels more free.  It’s counter-intuitive to me.  But it’s welcome.  And I’m learning.

So I’m good…  But I’m tender.  I’m healing, but the healing is only coming out of being broken in new ways, and in re-opening wounds that have long since hardened into scar tissue.

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5 thoughts on “It’s Surgical

  1. I love Calvin and Hobbes. Youngest son said to me yesterday how much he loved those comics as a child but now as an adult he’s getting layer upon layer of meaning from them.
    You are charting new paths.
    It will be easier for your girls because of it.
    It’s worth it.
    Gentle hugs from me to you today.

  2. Things that we’ve stashed away rarely stay there forever. I find that when things are the calmest, that’s when my things comes up. It’s like when things are busy, you can just say ‘no, not now. I am too busy dealing with this, this and the other thing.’ When things are busy and we are barely surviving, we can only deal with what is going on in front of us. After that, though, we have to deal head on with all that we have suppressed. I pray that you get through this time with heightened understanding and growth.

  3. Hugs you knowingly.
    A few things I’ve learned recently from dealing with the same sort of process.
    1. hitting brick walls doesn’t help you it just makes your hand hurt or your head take your pick and you’ll have more to deal with later.
    2. find safe outlets both with safe people and alone.
    3. you may want to runaway. DON’T. Take a break if you have to but if you run away from it again it will come back after you’ve forgotten it and make it twice as bad when you thought you dealt with it. Face it head on.
    To sum it up.
    You are a brave princess in Moshiach (Messiah) even if you don’t feel it.
    You have a woman’s heart which is beautiful, and tender, and right now very raw. Let him hold it he’ll be careful. Don’t be afraid to face it. In other words.
    You have to go through it to get through it.
    I love you princess Val! (I just typed process Val! ok freud hee hee)

  4. As hard as this is, I’m sure that you will be much better for it when you come through onto the other side. I think that by letting your emotions out, you’re really letting the people you love IN…and that can be hard sometimes. But I’m proud of you for allowing yourself to grow in this way. I hope that the outcome is what you want it to be.

    also, I left you a little love on my site today…

  5. I know right where you are coming from. I have been in that place for a bit now. It is really difficult and there are times when I want to shove everything back down where it belongs and tell the feelings to stay locked where they have been. But that will do no one any good whatso ever..so…keep working, crying, praying and loving. and, keep writing.

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