Sad

I don’t even know what to type about life right now.  Certainly it’s been worse.  Certainly it’s been better.  Certainly in the grand scheme of things it’s just normal bumps and bruises and heartaches. 

Have I any right to be this exhausted by these normal little shake ups?  I’m sure that it only feels like we’ve had more than our share in our first five years as a family…  like they always stack themselves up.  I’m sure it only feels like I’m constantly trying to turn myself inside out to be all the places that I need to be. 

This is how it is for everyone right?  Maybe we really haven’t been through all that much in the past five years since we’ve been married?  The things we’ve survived haven’t been that extraordinary, and it’s probably just my imagination that the volume of it has been so great.  It’s just that I’m slow to recuperate.  And that I have a martyr complex or something. 

I really want my Gram to hang in there for just 13 more days so the girls and I can see her. 

I really hate that one of my best friends is moving to the other side of the country.

I really ache for my Daddy knowing that HE is now dealing with extra health concerns of his own AND our wonderful Nonna is having chest pains on top of all of this.  And I want to be there with him, with them.  I want to beam myself there.  And I also want to be here….  To do the things that lie in front of us as a family.

And so I’m sad, and worried, and anxious.  And of course it feels like deja vu.  It feels like we’re always doing this.  But really it’s the reality of life in a fallen world.  It’s the normal bumps and bruises of life.  It’s like this for everyone right?

I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s like this for everyone…  Right now it’s us going through it.  And all we can do is do the best we can with it.

Pray for my Gram.  Pray for us.  Pray that if she has to leave us soon that we can get back in time to see her, and kiss her silken cheek, and tell her that we love her. 

And pray that my no-more-battered-than-ordinary heart might be encouraged…  might be buoyed…  might weather these normal sorts of bumps and bruises with strength and grace, maintaining it’s tenderness, and not shrinking back in these windstorms that come to us all.

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5 thoughts on “Sad

  1. Oh my dear friend. You have been through so much. Don’t diminish the incredible amount of grief, loss, and pain you’ve been through these past 5 years. It makes my head spin. I don’t read any martyr complex in your words at all. Just a weariness for all that has happened. It’s normal for you to feel so tired. Hugs to you tonight.

  2. Sometimes there is so much sadness that weight of it seems overwhelming. Broken relationships, lost friendships, breaks in the continuity of good relationships, the separation created by death and of course the thread of constant change that goes along with all these things. Yes these are things that are common for us all if we live long enough to experience them but that doesn’t make them hurt less or make them less personal. My experience tells me to go ahead and feel the hurt and to keep on struggling against it. You will come out the other side of it eventually… wiser and more resilient. Trust in what you know is good, God, your family and real friends. Hold close what is near and hope and pray for the rest. I am praying for peace for you.

    Tim

  3. I’ll be thinking of you and your family, and praying that you receive the strength you need to handle whatever’s coming, no matter what the outcome.

  4. I think the loss of your mother changes things.

    You become more exposed, like an untreated wound. Your sense of security is breached. Everything affects you more, everything is harder, the world is darker. Even with the light of the little ones.

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