I am grumpy because my house is a mess and the only way it will become unmessy is if I get off of my rump and clean it and I really don’t want to.
I am grumpy because it is cold and rainy every day here. I know everyone else is in the midst of a heat crisis. Couldn’t we find a happy medium? At least throw us some sunshine!!!
I’m grumpy because I miss my Mama. Yes still. Of course still. Tonight is a night that I have to hold myself in check to keep from reaching for the phone to call her. It seems like the best antidote to my grumpiness this evening would be a good chat with her. I can’t even tell you what it is she might say to me on a night like this. But I can tell you, I miss her essence. I miss the Momness of her. Truly, sometimes it still just sucks that I have to go through the rest of this life without her.
But most of all, I am grumpy because my husband is gone. And I’m really, really, really, really tired of that.
I know, I know, I know. Whine a little bit about it, why don’t I? For whatever reason, this time around it’s really wearing on me. I find myself panicked about him coming home and about him being home…. All the way home, I mean. As I told him on the phone the other day, I feel as though each time he left I killed a little piece of my heart so that it wouldn’t hurt as much. With these last two detachments, I’m afraid I’m going to do my heart in, and I’m not sure if I’ll have anything left. I’m not sure if I’ll know how to share my life, my heart with him at this point. I feel so numb “about” him. I feel so used to being by myself. I think we’ll have a learning curve ahead of us as we readjust to one another. It’s so wonderful that he will be home…. That we won’t have the looming feeling of another separation constantly ahead of us, but I think the real re-negotiations of our marriage will finally come. We have help as we walk through it. And I know we will come through it. But I can’t help but feel anxious about it all, as I look at the state of my heart, even as I excitedly anticipate him being home more.
Still, I am SO TIRED of being by myself. I’m so lonely. So weary of it. And sometimes most of all, just so desperate for a relational break in the monotony of life alone with the girls. Even going out and staying busy requires that I come back to the screamingly empty house.
*AND DUDE HAVE I MENTIONED THAT THE PLANES ARE SO FREAKING LOUD THAT IT’S HARD TO CONCENTRATE ON TYPING, AND IT’S CONTRIBUTING TO MY GRUMPINESS!*
In general, I feel like I am going back and forth between being really RAW emotionally (which I suppose is progress), and really numb. And vacillating between makes me GRUMPY.
But I have one thing going for me this evening: WUMB. The folky songs are good for my angstfulness, my grumpiness, and the silliness that lurks beneath.
IF ONLY THE PLANES WEREN’T DROWNING OUT THE MUSIC.
So that’s me tonight. God bless WUMB. Go away planes. Come home, Husband. Go away grumpiness.