Grumpy Me, Loud Planes

I’m grumpy because the planes are SOOO LOUD.  *DUDE!!!!! THEY ARE SOOOOO LOUD!!!!  WELCOME GROWLER, NOW BE QUIET!!!!!!*

I am grumpy because my house is a mess and the only way it will become unmessy is if I get off of my rump and clean it and I really don’t want to.

I am grumpy because it is cold and rainy every day here.  I know everyone else is in the midst of a heat crisis.  Couldn’t we find a happy medium?  At least throw us some sunshine!!!

I’m grumpy because I miss my Mama.  Yes still.  Of course still.  Tonight is a night that I have to hold myself in check to keep from reaching for the phone to call her.  It seems like the best antidote to my grumpiness this evening would be a good chat with her.  I can’t even tell you what it is she might say to me on a night like this.  But I can tell you, I miss her essence.  I miss the Momness of her.  Truly, sometimes it still just sucks that I have to go through the rest of this life without her. 

But most of all, I am grumpy because my husband is gone.  And I’m really, really, really, really tired of that.

I know, I know, I know.  Whine a little bit about it, why don’t I?  For whatever reason, this time around it’s really wearing on me.  I find myself panicked about him coming home and about him being home….  All the way home, I mean.  As I told him on the phone the other day, I feel as though each time he left I killed a little piece of my heart so that it wouldn’t hurt as much.  With these last two detachments, I’m afraid I’m going to do my heart in, and I’m not sure if I’ll have anything left.  I’m not sure if I’ll know how to share my life, my heart with him at this point.  I feel so numb “about” him.  I feel so used to being by myself.  I think we’ll have a learning curve ahead of us as we readjust to one another.  It’s so wonderful that he will be home….  That we won’t have the looming feeling of another separation constantly ahead of us, but I think the real re-negotiations of our marriage will finally come.  We have help as we walk through it.  And I know we will come through it.  But I can’t help but feel anxious about it all, as I look at the state of my heart, even as I excitedly anticipate him  being home more.

Still, I am SO TIRED of  being by myself.  I’m so lonely.  So weary of it.  And sometimes most of all, just so desperate for a relational break in the monotony of life alone with the girls.  Even going out and staying busy requires that I come back to the screamingly empty house. 

*AND DUDE HAVE I MENTIONED THAT THE PLANES ARE SO FREAKING LOUD THAT IT’S HARD TO CONCENTRATE ON TYPING, AND IT’S CONTRIBUTING TO MY GRUMPINESS!*

In general, I feel like I am going back and forth between being really RAW emotionally (which I suppose is progress), and really numb.  And vacillating between makes me GRUMPY.

But I have one thing going for me this evening:  WUMB.  The folky songs are good for my angstfulness, my grumpiness, and the silliness that lurks beneath.   

IF ONLY THE PLANES WEREN’T DROWNING OUT THE MUSIC.

SERIOUSLYTHEY’RELOUDREALLYREALLYREALLYLOUDGRRRR.

So that’s me tonight.  God bless WUMB.  Go away planes.  Come home, Husband.  Go away grumpiness.

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10 thoughts on “Grumpy Me, Loud Planes

  1. I went through those feelings last deployment…the numbness, the uncertainty. My husband and I were only dating at the time, and I seriously considered breaking it off with him because I saw that I got along without him. I almost didn’t move to AZ (glad I did though…that Seattle winter rain is draining on feel-goodness). In the end I felt I should give it more time and see how I feel when we were “together” again. I was so scared those feelings wouldn’t come back and that the numbness would prevail even after spending time together, but they came back! I’m sure in your case it will just take a while to feel “normal” again when he comes home….reacquainting yourself with each other, getting comfortable in each other’s presence again. Is Skype possible for you two?

  2. So…. is it still not ‘Folk’ if I click on the “Contemporary Folk” page to listen to streaming music? Hmmm…

    JL and Tania–thanks. It’s always so good to know I’m not alone feeling this way.

    Tania–what is Skype?

  3. If you find you need more heart, you’ll grow it, even if it has to grow around some scar tissue. I’m confident it will be good and hard (though hard in a different way than things are hard now) and that you’ll make it to the good places together.

  4. Wow. I am visiting here from In The Life of A Child’s blog roll.

    I know what it is like to have a husband gone a lot. It does get lonely. Yup, my house needs some attention too. I get so bored with doing the same thing. I guess that is one reason I blog. I want to find some joys in our daily blah blah stuff. It helps.

    Hugs and hope you are full of energy soon.

  5. Skype is just another way of communicating. You need an Internet connection and it’s free to use. Chat is possible, but I use it for the phone feature. I just got a new laptop which has a built-in camera, and hubby took his laptop to Baghdad with him. We are pretty spoiled in that we get to talk pretty much every day and now we have regular “Skype dates” in the evenings (after his PT). Getting to see him, his facial expressions, his moods made a HUGE difference in my happiness, but I miss him more than ever!

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