I’ve had the ‘stay at home Mommy’ blues the last couple of days.
For some reason yesterday I became totally fixated on the, “I thought I would be doing so much more with my life,” idea.
Sometimes I feel like I’m rotting. I feel like I could be doing so much more. I feel like I *should* be doing so much more. I feel like I am a capable person. I feel like a person with unique gifts to offer the world and here I sit making grilled cheese sandwiches and changing 90 diapers a day. Sometimes I feel like all of the potential I once believed I had is draining out of me little by little.
And then it really gets bad…. Because then I start to wonder if I really *am* a capable person. If I really *do* have gifts to offer to anyone outside of my immediate family. I wonder if I am and was just lying to myself about that ‘potential.’ Could I get ‘out there’ again? Could I get ‘out there’ at all? Am I just afraid to try?
After college I taught high school for about 2/3s of a school year. I was dropped into a tough classroom with ‘mentors’ who seemed a lot more like overly-seasoned teachers who had long passed their ‘burnout’ limit. All of this after I realized at the end of college that though working with special needs individuals is something that I love doing, teaching doesn’t make my heart beat the way I want it to. I haven’t made it back into the classroom or anywhere else.
Because, then we made our first Navy move.
Three months later we made our second and discovered we were pregnant.
Mom got sick. Mom died.
Then we got pregnant again.
It’s never been ‘the right’ time. There have been so many other variables in my life that it seemed wisest to focus on supporting and anchoring our family by staying put. Is that the truth or an excuse?
I was accepted to seminary last year. I was wildly excited about it. Then it became obvious that the time wasn’t right. Financially it was just too crunchy. And then life continued to be complicated.
It felt so good to have a DIRECTION again. It felt like I wasn’t just spinning my wheels anymore. It felt like I was going somewhere. But it didn’t work.
Did I just chicken out? Am I fooling myself into believing that ‘someday’ will come eventually? Am I afraid to try? Could I stick it out and actually pursue schooling and then DO something with it. Or am I doomed to forever think that I want to do one thing only to find out that I really don’t?
I want to be home with my kids. I believe that it is a good thing for them. Even more is the stability factor: their little lives are so full of instability with frequent moves, their Daddy’s frequent absences, friends coming and going, and major distance between us and our loved ones, that it seems only right for me to provide them with stability by being home with them. They need that. I feel like I can be ONE constant for them in a sea of variables.
But then a little voice in my head says that maybe that’s just an excuse. Maybe I’m just too afraid to try. And wasn’t I supposed to be doing something noble with my life by now? Look at all the other people who are out there DOING something. I always wanted to DO something.
I believe that being a mother is a noble thing. I do. I believe that staying at home with my kids is a noble thing. I do. I just don’t want it to be all that I am. I don’t like feeling like ‘just a Mom.’
It has been posited that I spend too much time focusing on the ‘doing’ part of who I am and not nearly enough time on the ‘BEing’ part of who I am. Despite the fact that I, at least, cerebrally love the concept of developing ones ‘BEing’ qualities…. This latest pit-stop in ‘Why haven’t I done anything yet?’ land seems to reinforce the fact that I’m still in “DO” mode.
Will it ever sink in? Will I ever get the idea of grace through my thick skull? Will I ever learn to fall gratefully into the grace that is God…. that is love, and just be there?
Why can’t I learn to stand firm in the holiness of THIS MOMENT. Why can’t I soak into the privilege of being home with these two amazing little girls. Why can’t I do a better job of living incarnationally here…. right where I am?
Is “BEing” a discipline? And do you negate the validity of BEing by striving for it?
Well, at least I came up with another thought to chase in circles. *grin*