I’m very, very thinkative lately.

I’ve been doing my very best these days to try to choose gratefulness…  To be present to the holiness of every moment around me.  Those are messages that I have been hearing in many different places.

But I struggle…   Because I know I need to allow myself my emotions, whatever they may be… 

So how do I sit where I am…  Accept myself there…  Know that I am ok even when I am incapable of picking up my living room…  How can I accept and feel the empty feelings and the lonely feelings and the sad feelings… How do I stay present to the holiness found even there (surely it is there too, right?) without making myself sit in the mire, stuck.

I don’t know… 

It is advent.  And I am thinking again about waiting.  And about Christ coming to the desolation.  To a land barren and stagnant, where only a remnant still held out an expectation of hope. 

I want to be part of a remnant like that.  I want to wait actively, expectantly, eager for the arrival of my Lord in the larger sense…  and constantly seeking out his arrival and presence in the smaller mundane parts of my everyday moments.

I’m trying to both allow myself the grace to be where I am and to feel what I feel and to, at the same time, center myself in a place of gratefulness and hopeful expectation.

In the midst of all of that, a part of me is excited.  Part of me is hoping that in exploring my brokenness, practicing the discipline of gratefulness, and experiencing advent in my own life, maybe perhaps new things will be fanned into flame?  Maybe I will learn to see in a new way.  Maybe my world is expanding yet again and this season is giving birth to a greater sense of who I am and who God is.

Advent indeed.


5 thoughts on “Thinkative

  1. You write a lot like I do. I find a kinship in your words. Grace is a huge word in my life. I even have it tattooed on my shoulder. It is really hard to feel grace and holiness in the dark times and to keep looking ahead in faith. I would love for you to take a look at my blog. Maybe my words will make you feel like you are less alone like yours have made me feel.


  2. I don’t think it has to be an either or situation. You can be exactly where you are emotionally and still be cultivating gratitude. It’s more of a both and. You can be both sad and grateful. It’s possible and definitely okay. Holiness of the present moment and feelings are not opposites.

    And you’re often thinkative – it’s one reason I love you so much.

  3. Oh, Val, this is so beautifully written. I struggle with pressuring myself to be so “spiritual” that I can’t see God in the ordinary. Even in our hurting, God is ever present! Thanks for pouring out your heart.

  4. This is definitely the season to be thinkative. My sister calls it melancholy. Looking inward at our lives but still living and seeing Christ in the everyday. It is when we hurt we must learn to turn towards God in order to find ourselves in God.

    Thank you for sharing and through your words pointing me in the right direction.

  5. Yes, you are learning to see in a new way! Absolutely. There is something about having lived in the dark that makes the light so much brighter. I have found that I am much more empathetic with those struggling with just about anything.

    Depression sucks. Period. You are taking the steps to end it. And it will end.

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