Reintegration and Right Now

Sitting here in the quiet of the night…  I know I should be bustling around and cleaning because Husband is out picking our friend Lauren up from the airport.  We’re in for a weekend of exploring, fun, and reliving high school oddity in the silly crazy ways that I can only with one of those women who saw me at the height of adolescent awkwardness and loved me anyway.

I should be cleaning.  I should.  But the girls are down…  and it’s quiet….  And I want to soak in that a minute.

The homecoming was wonderful.  I am surprised again at how instantly normal it is to have Husband home again.  It makes me sad in a way because it feels like life should explode with the wonderfulness of having him back here living in our house and doing things that daddys and husbands do.  But instead it feels like…  normal.  A part of me is also comforted by that–that we can pick off where we left off with one another.  That we fit so well together that even after three months apart we find ourselves in the same well-worn grooves.

At the same time, we are fumbling our way through little bursts of ‘reintegration’ moments.  It’s so strange to suddenly be able to confide in him again.  To remember our give and take. 

I also discovered what I already knew…  The end of deployment doesn’t make life go away.  I’m still tired at the end of the day.  I still struggle with the girls and with feeling like I’m failing the girls.  I’m still going through my regular bouts of ‘blah’ (yes even just in the week he’s been home).  It is wonderful to have him back, but not a cure all. 

But, as for right now, it is a beautiful autumn night after a beautiful autumn day that was just the way autumn days are supposed to be:  colorful, and crisp, and cool but not cold. 

I want to soak into that, for just a second.  To breathe it in and feel only that.  To quiet my brain that is always spinning with worries and analyzations and to feel only this for the moment.  To sip cinnamon apple tea, and think of crunching leaves, and hayrides, and pumpkins.

And so, I think, I shall.


6 thoughts on “Reintegration and Right Now

  1. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I wish Kansas had fall. It’s supposed to be like 80 degrees here today. I think it’s about time for me to have caramel apples & mint hot chocolate.

  2. Glad your husband is home now. You hit on a great point about reintegration when you said “it’s wonderful to have him back but not a cure all.” When they come back, life continues as it always has, good bad or ugly and homecomings don’t cure everything. But they do make life more bearable than when you have to shoulder everything on your own. Great post.

  3. Normal is very good. And stop already with the I’m not the perfect mother. I have that market cornered and you are not allowed entrance! Now for the line I know my children can recite. “I am the only mother you are going to get and this is as good as it gets!” Neither of my sons are in jail or even on America’s most wanted so relax! You are amazing and I am so proud to be related to you. TTFN!

  4. So happy for you.

    Reached the 6 month point with my mother’s death. No fanfare, no commemoration, just another day. It came and passed. Her granddaughter continues to develop as a beautiful baby girl. She has her grandma’s eyes.
    (see website Every time I look at her I get simultaneously thillingly happy and devastatingly sad.

    But I’m so happy for you. Enjoy every moment.

  5. Greg–It means a lot to me that you would share here that you are at the 6 month point with your Mom’s death. I get the ‘thrillingly happy and devestatingly sad.’

    I’m sorry for six months without your Mom. I’m sorry for the time yet to come without her. I also celebrate that beautiful little girl of yours…. and the discovery of your mother in her and in your raising of her.

    I wish you peace.

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