Mom is on my mind

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Even with all the thoughts of homecoming…  And most of my missing being so tied up with Husband, for one reason or another I have been missing Mom so very badly lately.  I woke up suddenly one night a few days ago and just lay there with the realization that I will never speak to my Mom again–never see her again, never laugh with her again, never hug her again, never eat with her or shop with her, or play Trivial Pursuit with her again.  It felt so fresh.  Shouldn’t I be used to this by now?  How can ‘new normal’ still feel so crazy and wrong and unreal?

As I was (finally) cleaning our bedroom today I found a photo DVD and popped it in the computer.  I found the original photos of my favorite pictures in the world:  The best photos of Mom and Little Miss together.  It felt like Mom was saying hi….  And it was so nice to see her photo–large and full of life–on my computer screen.

Maybe I am missing her a little extra now because so much is going on that I would give anything to discuss with her:  The Homecoming, Baboo’s baby adorableness, Little Miss growing into such a young lady with so much of her Gramma Caro’s fire.  Maybe it’s because I’m lonesome and it’s easy to remember one of the sources of that loneliness. 

Maybe it’s the Fallishness of things.  The leaves are turning, the weather is getting cool, we have fewer hours of daylight.  Maybe all of that has put me in a reflective mood.  Maybe it was the passing of her birthday (Sept. 7) and the upcoming “Diagnosis Day” (Nov. 18).  Whatever it is…  I miss her.  And the missing has settled into my bones like the early chill of fall.

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9 thoughts on “Mom is on my mind

  1. Sending you prayers for warm winds of kindness from those who love you best to warm the chill. I hope the homecoming fills your heart with a joy that surpasses all these moments of heartache.

  2. Oh, how I understand what you are saying! I, too, have been missing my mom SO much!!! She has been in my dreams every night, and it feels like I can just hug her and talk to her. I need to talk to her! I think about her every day when I wake up and every night. It might be the change in seasons, my therapist says that’s common. I don’t know, all I know is that I understand how much you miss your mom, becasue I miss my mine too!!!

  3. Homecoming is also on my mind. I never realized that it would be such an emotional process, but for all I thought, it was going to be filled with happy and joyful thoughts! Now I am scrambling my brain trying to get everything done, preparing for homecoming, the party, fending off pestering friends.. I don’t even know where to start.

    I am the only one in my family who lives in California, so I can relate to how you feel. It brings tears to my eyes too…. *hug*

  4. ft–It’s interesting that your therapist says there is a correlation between the changing of seasons and the missing… I wonder why that is. It seems to be the case for me at least. Thank you for commiserating…

    And thank you all for the support.

  5. You have been on my mind lately and was wondering how you were doing. All of your feelings are very natural… I can relate. My birthday was Sept. 7th and I turned thirty this year. I realized that it had been four years since we spent a birthday together. The pain doesn’t seem to get easier but, it does seem to change with time.

    Thank you as always to share your thoughts and stories. It is in the exchange of these emotions and ideas that connects people. I thank you for that!

  6. I think about the NEVER a lot. It’s so final and that’s the hardest thing to deal with. That picture of your mom is priceless. Sometimes I still think I’m going to wake up from this. I have lots of dreams with her in them – and she’s just there, like she always was. Never anything profound. I kind of wish for profoundness.

    Every thing the baby learns, I want to share with her. I want to call her up and tell her about her rolling over or trying to sit up or trying to talk, the sounds she makes. Her grabbing my hand for the first time. The other day I wrote a letter to her as if she were still alive, telling her all about Eliana. I feel very cheated as I’m sure you do.

    It’s great that you see her in your little one. I think that’s the grand plan. My mother used to say, about children: Greg, when you have kids, you’ll realize that there is a grand plan. Now I know what she meant.

  7. Hi, I’m Jennifer and recently stumbled into your blog. I totally know how you are feeling though my loss is more recent… I lost my Dad to lung cancer in July. I too live in the NW and want to increase LC awareness. Maybe you would like to visit my blog and send me an e-mail sometime. Maybe together we can do something? Take care, I’m thinking of you.

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