Even with all the thoughts of homecoming… And most of my missing being so tied up with Husband, for one reason or another I have been missing Mom so very badly lately. I woke up suddenly one night a few days ago and just lay there with the realization that I will never speak to my Mom again–never see her again, never laugh with her again, never hug her again, never eat with her or shop with her, or play Trivial Pursuit with her again. It felt so fresh. Shouldn’t I be used to this by now? How can ‘new normal’ still feel so crazy and wrong and unreal?
As I was (finally) cleaning our bedroom today I found a photo DVD and popped it in the computer. I found the original photos of my favorite pictures in the world: The best photos of Mom and Little Miss together. It felt like Mom was saying hi…. And it was so nice to see her photo–large and full of life–on my computer screen.
Maybe I am missing her a little extra now because so much is going on that I would give anything to discuss with her: The Homecoming, Baboo’s baby adorableness, Little Miss growing into such a young lady with so much of her Gramma Caro’s fire. Maybe it’s because I’m lonesome and it’s easy to remember one of the sources of that loneliness.
Maybe it’s the Fallishness of things. The leaves are turning, the weather is getting cool, we have fewer hours of daylight. Maybe all of that has put me in a reflective mood. Maybe it was the passing of her birthday (Sept. 7) and the upcoming “Diagnosis Day” (Nov. 18). Whatever it is… I miss her. And the missing has settled into my bones like the early chill of fall.