Still Lonely

It’s that time of night again, and I’m sitting here thinking how crazy I am.

We’re nearing the end of this little hiccup of time without husband…  but I still feel as lonely for him as ever.  It seems like I should simply be constantly giddy that soon I’ll be able to count on two hands the number of days we have til he’s in our arms again.

I am so grateful for that.  I am.

But I still want him now.

I should be putting the house back together bit by bit, but I’m in my stress-induced shut-down mode.  And I want to ignore it.

We’re so close I can almost taste it, but the aloneness of it still gets me down.  The oldness of it still wears me out.

And I think that the reality of it hasn’t set in.  It’s part of the residual numbness.  I won’t believe he’s coming home til he’s standing in my living room.  So a part of me can’t get busy being excited because it can’t process the thought that there is something to be excited about.

Course it could be that it’s that time of night and I tend to get a little out of sorts when I need to be sleeping. 

Aren’t I just the biggest whiner you ever did meet? 

Yeah I know.

We’re almost done!  Yay!

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8 thoughts on “Still Lonely

  1. You need a break! Is there anyone who can watch the cherubs so you can go do somthing FUN? Something you LOVE. Ice cream with a girlfriend. Reading at the Library. Oh, I know, lingerie shopping! Something, anything that is just for you. It’s not selfish, it’s self maintenance!

    I know the sick, lonely feelings. I know you were just venting. But you have needs. Legitimate needs. If I was there, I’d come over, take the kids, and kick you out of the house until you came back at least a little refreshed and in touch with who you are outside of this situation.

    {{{HUGS}}}

  2. We, too, are counting the days on two hands until the hubby is back from Iraq. I think this part of it is the hardest by far. I never had insomnia until this phase of it, which is how I’ve found all these clever blogs by fellow military wives to help me get throught the torture of waiting out this last little bit. Don’t worry, I still haven’t cleaned out the closets (something I’ve been promising myself to do for seven mos.). I feel like all I can do is hold my breath and wait. It’s good to know I’m in good company!

  3. Of course, you’re feeling lonely! You’ve been the primary, only, caregiver of your two children while your husband has been gone. Plus, your partner, your greatest support has not been there. Be kind to yourself. You are not a whiner!

  4. i know this is really off topic but i am looking for help..
    I just graduated college.. I am young.. my boyfriend of 4 years decided to go into the navy..so we are going to get married soon….
    How do navy wives or military wives in general decide on a career when your moving a lot?

  5. Vanessa–

    I was right where you are about 5 years ago. Good luck to you! It is definitely an adventure!

    As for career questions (and I may do another post soon so I can really blather on about it), my advice would be to chose a ‘portable field.’ Teaching, or healthcare are two that come to mind, but there are lots of options. A lot of people do free-lance writing.

    Don’t believe the people who say that you have to give up the option of having a career to marry a man in the military. It’s not true. It *is* a challenge, but you will find your niche. You say you’re in college–what is your field?

  6. Beingmade – I’m just discovering your blog and reading through it. Did you find that this shorter deployment was harder than other longer ones? I found that after doing a 7 month deployment with my DH 4 years ago, when he was gone again for a 3 month deployment 9 months after that, I had a harder time dealing with it. I still felt like he hadn’t been home for that long and he was leaving again. I cried more and was sad more with that one than with the first 7 month deployment. Of course, now that I’m 6 months into a year deployment, anything less seems easy as pie. 🙂

  7. to slightlysaltyspouse–

    I wouldn’t say it was harder… But I will say it’s just as deploymenty.

    Our first deployment just plain sucked. Husband left a month after my Mom died. I was living with my Dad to try to ‘help’ him and he so didn’t need me. It just felt like the bottom was falling out on my world. So this one was definitely a piece of cake compared to that one.

    BUT–I still have gone through ALL the stages. I dreaded it just as much. I missed him just as much. And I’m looking forward to having him back just as much.

    You hang in there for the rest of this year deployment…. Hats off to you.

  8. Pingback: Pendulum | Stumbling Barefoot…

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