Today was a very blah day. I was tired. I was down. I missed Husband.
When husband is home, I have blah days. I forget this during deployment. Somehow I believe that life is always happy and hunky-dory when he is home. Or maybe it’s more that I believe I have to make it feel as though life is always as close to happy and hunky-dory as possible when he is gone, despite his goneness. When he is on deployment, I feel like I have to make sure I don’t have ‘blah’ days… Because blah days–days where my back works fine, and the girls are healthy and nothing is really wrong other than that constant ache of missing and a mind and body that are too tired–mean I’m being whiney about the deployment. They mean I’m not ‘being strong.’ They mean I’m not ‘staying busy.’
Today, I was tired of ‘staying busy.’ I was tired of ‘putting myself out there.’ All I wanted was, well… Husband. But also that feeling of partnership. The lonely, half-of-me-is-gone feeling was intense today. It wasn’t that I wanted ‘company’ or ‘companionship.’ Working on a project or finding a way to hang out with any old someone just wasn’t what I was craving. Rather, I wanted the other person who is supposed to be here to help unstrap the girls from the carseats and bring them inside. I wanted that feeling of soaking into the man who is supposed to be always solid and there and next to me. I wanted the feeling of being with someone who knows me totally and who ‘gets me’ inside and out.
I wanted that comfortable interchange–the ability to just sit in the same room with this person that I love… Each lost in our own projects, or thoughts, but still fully together.
I wanted the house to feel full and not so empty.
For that matter, I wanted help tracking down the mysterious odor in our bedroom.
‘Staying busy’ doesn’t fill those holes. ‘Being out there and involved’ doesn’t either.
But I did find ways to cheer myself up….
I played on the floor with the girls. Baboo, inspired by Big Sister sitting just out of reach, decided to roll over for the first time. She hasn’t really shown much interest in mobility, until today and then she wanted to do it all!
Little Miss and I learned about the color blue and circles. There were tickles and giggles and snuggles. And there was fun with a popped balloon and Little Miss’s impression of Piglet “Oh D-d-d-d-deary Dear!”
Even with this feeling of blahness it was a weekend of baking yummy apple treats, tea parties (I love tea parties!) with my girls, and re-discovering how much I adore the series Christy. (I even re-ordered the book since my first copy is torn beyond recognition).
And there was a phone call from Husband–A really solid, decent phone call. Our connection was finally good, and more than wires and technology the call made me feel connected again, cutting through all the numbness and blah. And for a moment his voice reached across the miles and wrapped me in his love.
And this week, well… It’s busy. There’s plenty to do. There are projects to get rolling, meetings to attend, a family visit to enjoy, and the continuous work of planning for our big trip back to the midwest in under a week and a half.
So the blah day… Was just that. A day. A bump in the road. It’s not a reflection of my ‘strength’ or lack thereof. It’s just something that happens once in a while whether husband is here or not. They’re different during a deployment, and often blahier because Husband is such a source of joy and support for me.
But blah or not, it’s another day down. I’m going to go mark it off the calendar, crawl into bed to write my nightly letter, and fall asleep to Christy. Tomorrow I may track down the source of the mysterious bedroom odor and go back to ‘keeping busy’ as the distraction from the ache.
And maybe it won’t be such a blah day.