Shots and Flashbacks

I hadn’t planned on sharing this here because I’m sure I’ll have enough to say about grief in the next couple of weeks..  But I wrote it up on my LC board, and…  well…  It just seemed worth sharing. 

So I know… I know that since I’m approaching the 2 year mark, I’m supposed to come here and tell you that I lost my Mom two years ago and that makes me sad, but I have processed through my grief with leaps and bounds, and I’m not done yet, but darn it I am a self-actualized girl who doesn’t carry things too far.And most of the time… Most of the time I am walking around fine… still hurting over the loss of my Mom because I always will, but not so actively mourning.

But this little coincidence, and the coming week… Well, they are putting me right back…

It’s interesting having Baboo 2… and having Husband leave with her the exact same age as Little Miss was when he left for the last go around (at which point we went back to be with Mom). It triggers a whole lot of memories… of LM meeting Mom, of being with Mom, of hot, sticky summer evenings with Mom snoozing and me sitting on the loveseat in the back room of Mom and Dad’s house trying to soak everything in and get my head around all that was happening.   Sometimes out of nowhere, I am transported back to sitting with Mom in the living room, both of us in our respective chairs and Mom talking about baseball games, and movies she’d seen with her younger siblings, and how happy she was to be awake, to smell things, to be alive.

B2 has her two month check up on Wednesday. She gets shots that day too. Here is where the weird coincidence comes in….

LM had her 4 month check up the very same day in July two years ago. She also had shots that day. I remember this because that was the last ‘normal’ thing that happened really, before Mom died. The doctor’s office we went to was in Mom’s home town and she gave me directions on how to take the backroads without skipping a beat–every single turn and landmark. A week later she didn’t know my name.

The day after shots, she went to the doctor to find out if she would be approved for the Perifosine trial. She left in a wheelchair. I couldn’t go with her because LM had a fever and on the off chance it wasn’t from the shots I didn’t want to expose people getting chemo to any germs.

That was the day we were told Mom needed hospice.

The next day Mom signed on the dotted-line, and from there it was just an incredibly fast decline until she died a week later.

Am I crazy for finding the coincidence both eerie and depressing? I suppose it’s just a little thing. Who remembers what day their kid got shots right? If only that had been the only remarkable thing about that week.

I miss her… And I will remember the last days one by one as we walk through them on the calendar agian. Maybe that seems maudlin or morose to some… but to me it’s an act of love.


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