Or do all Mommies have way too many stretches of time when they are certain they are the worst parent in the whole entire world?
I let Little Miss watch The Little Mermaid from start to finish today. Twice.
I yell too much. And nag. I know I do. I try bringing my voice down. I have days where I challenge myself to keep it soft. Still the next day, I yell again.
Today, I got the ‘you pathetic excuse of a mother’ look in a frazzled parking lot moment when my mental landscape looked like this: “Get the stroller, get Baboo 2, get the sunscreen, ohgodshesgonnagethitbyacarLITTLE MISS STAY PUT!!! (no, I’m not saying she was almost hit by a car. I’m saying that in my anxiety over the possibility I spoke and acted less than gracefully with my firstborn)”
I have a special education degree. The education program I was in focused on Learning and Behaviour Disabilities. I am a certified “Learning Behaviour Specialist (category 1)” in my home state. But… every single day I find that I forget to be consistent, I nag, I reward negative behaviours. I have this degree and yet I am toppled by my own two-year old daily.
I am *not* graceful at this job. I try to be. I try to be all hallmark cardy about it. I try to remember how precious they are when they’re little, and I try to remember they’ll be grown up all too fast. I try to give latitude where it is needed. I try to set boundaries. I try to use positivity more than negativity.
But I forget. And I yell. And I let them watch too much T.V, and play in the sink and get themselves soaked while I sit and regroup, and some days I know they are using negative attention getting behaviours because I am not being present to them half as much as I should be. And sometimes Baboo 2 cries too long because Little Miss is screaming for attention. And sometimes I feel like she is moved from the bouncey seat, to the swing, to a safe spot on the couch for a moment so that I can attend to x, y, or z way too often.
Am I the only one? Why are those feelings and moments of motherhood so lonely? I think it would make me feel so much better if instead of trying to look like we had it all together when we meet other mothers we could give each other that commiserating “Yeah, me too, Hang in there sister,” look.
You know what I love? I love those moments when I *do* feel like I’m influencing my kids positively. I love those moments when I realize my voice is in control. When I can see Little Miss learning and expanding her world. I love those moments, be they from Oxytocin or the sweetness of two little smiles, when I breathe in and say, “Thank you for this job, Lord.”
I just wish on days like today, I could have more of them.
I wish being a Mom wasn’t so vulnerable and scary.
My Mommy always seemed so solid and strong and capable. Did she feel this way too? I wish almost daily that I could ask her. Part of me hopes so. Because maybe if she did, my kids will remember more of my moments of ‘togetherness’ or of ‘faking it’ or of ‘doing it wrong, but doing it wrong with style’ and less of my moments of nagging, and grouchiness, and motherly spaciness.
I can only hope.
So tell me…. Is it just me?