Re-defining Me

I posted this on my LC message board today….

So I have been thinking of my grief as it is now. I have been thinking about how… Part of me is as present to the grief and missing of Mom as I ever was. I keep thinking about how… everything is different now.

And today it occurred to me that maybe it’s not only grief, but the fact that my Mom’s illness, her death, the months after, the grieving…. they’ve all redefined my life. Totally. I am a new person. I am a different person than I was the day before my Mom was diagnosed. I am a different person than I was the day my Mom died. (Even as I am the “same old Val” I ever was).

I know that part of grieving is re-inventing yourself… Learning to live in a world without someone who was so important to you and becoming you in a new way as a result.

I don’t know… Maybe I am just trying to justify the reasons that I still think of it so much. That it still occupies such a large part of my heart and mind, even though I try very hard to move forward and not let it rule my life.

But the fact is, it all changed my life. And I’m still learning who I am after the fact. I’m still in the middle of the changes. And I think *that* is what keeps me so mindful of it now. I feel like a new person that I’m not familiar with yet. My life feels like a new life that I’m not comfortable in yet.

A woman in my Bible Study shared today that after any major life transition: Death of a loved one, divorce, birth of a child, etc. the “experts” (whoever they are) say it takes us three years to really adjust. So by that marking stick I’m only half-way into this adjustment period…

Maybe I am still so “in this” and so mindful of it because it has been, so far, the defining thing in my life.  Mom’s illness and death changed everything.  They changed me.  They made me look at the world in a new way.  Made me look at people in a new way.  Made me look at God in a new way.  I’m still not through with those changes.  And I’m certainly not adjusted to them.  It’s like a religious conversion…  Like what is supposed to happen when you make a statement of faith as a Christian and beginning trying to walk that walk (dude…  the Christianese in that sentence hurts my teeth!  anyway….).  Everything is different.  Everything is effected.

Anyway. It’s disjointed, but those are some of my thoughts today….

I think about these things, partly because of what I write here.  I imagine people out there reading and thinking, “When is she going to stop with the grief-talk already?”  And so I’ve been thinking about why it is still such a presence in my life…. 

I’m just hashing things out in writing really.  But as I said, these are thoughts I have today.  I’m still deciding what to make of them.  Maybe I am stuck and just justifying that stuckness, but…  I really feel like I am going on.  Trying to live in joy.  Dealing with the concept of “It is what it is.”  But also still…  feeling the loss of my Mom very strongly.

Today I suspect it’s because I’ve been redefined.  I am being redefined.

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2 thoughts on “Re-defining Me

  1. my dad died seven years ago (during my last term at greenville) & i’m still reinventing. i still think of him every day. maybe that’s abnormally long, i’m not sure, but i just wanted you to know that you’re not alone & that you’re understood.

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