Am thinkative at the moment. The adrenaline from thinking Husband would be gone for Ingrid’s arrival has worn off, and the last few days I’ve spent just thinking about what my focus is, what my direction is, where my life is going, and what things look like now.
So much changed so fast. From the moment I said, “I do” til now it seems like life has been nothing but immensely big sometimes wonderful, sometimes terrible changes. So many things that are now facts of my life, I never would have seen coming four years ago. So many things that I am trying to learn to accept as part of my landscape weren’t even a shadow of a thought when I got married. And these changes continue. These next few months will be full of changes. Mostly good, but not altogether easy.
But now I have this forward direction to go for this time being when we aren’t in the midst of ultimate crisis. Now, I am working through questions like: Do I want to continue staying home, or am I just spinning my wheels? How do I contribute to the world? Would I be a better Mommy if I was engaged outside of our home in more capacities than just church functions and small group gatherings?
And…. do I have the guts to try more? Can I rise above the inadequacy I feel?
Most importantly, what am I doing right now to fulfill the purpose that I was created for? To Be God’s by being Val? In the midst of Mommyness…. and Wifeness…. and pathetic housekeeperness…. what is it that I’m doing that has purpose and meaning?
How can I more incarnationally live my life? How can I live each of my moments as God’s? How can I be present to His presence when I’m doing dishes, changing diapers, and building block towers. This week, I’m going to try to get a grasp on that again.
One slice of that that I was hit by tonight: Can I remember and reclaim the sacramental nature of my marriage? I love the sacraments because they are little bits of God that we can touch, and feel, and experience with our senses. How does that translate to the sacrament of marriage? How does my relationship with Husband allow me to reach out and touch the face of God? To interact with Him? To realize His interactions with me?
You see…. Just thinking…. Adjusting to the changes. Preparing for the ones to come. Marveling at what is that I never expected. Longing for what I miss. Hoping for what lies before me. Trying to be present to the holiness of now.
Hey readers–How do you stub your toe on the holiness of now? Where do you draw back and see God or the spiritual staring back at you? How do you become present to it? I would love to hear your thoughts.