So apparently the Skipper… well technically the chain of command…. came out today and said a big, “Or Not” to the whole deployment thing. There is still a chance that they will go, but likely it will be later if does happen. The word is that we’re back to the ‘regularly scheduled program’ of out and backs…. and now some other group is going…. with far less notice than even we would have had. Which I hate for them.
And I am relieved and grateful.
But I also feel guilty and messy.
I hate that these other families will be going through this, with such short notice. I find myself wondering how many babies will be born while their group is gone….
I feel guilty that he’s not going anywhere, when so many other military members are having to spend 15 and 18 months away from their families because of this whole ‘surge’ thing. I guess I felt…. kind of honored to be able to be among them in a weird sort of way.
I feel…. maybe a let-down??? A let-down from the rush of adrenaline, and thinking, and planning that I was doing to gird myself up for this.
I feel so proud to be his wife when he is away. I feel proud of him and proud of myself. And I guess, some bizarre part of me feels sad that I can’t prove to myself that I can do *this* too.
(Apparently, I really do thrive on crises.)
I feel foolish that I mentioned it to people and that now it isn’t happening. Will people think I cry wolf? Not everyone understands that the reality of the Navy is uncertainty and last minute changes all the time.
Also…. well, we’d made this list of GOOD things that would come out of him going. Though he was going to miss the birth, he was actually going to possibly get *more* time with Ingrid. As it stands now there is a moderately lengthly ‘away time’ that will likely happen quickly after her arrival. That is hard. It will be hard for all of us to say good-bye so quickly after becoming a family of four. I worry about what will happen now given this scenario. What’s our trade-off?
But…. But….. Val listen to these things: I now will have a possible date to Dad’s wedding. This is good. I WILL probably have him there for the delivery. That eases the hurt about him not being there…. that eases the hurt about Mom not being there. That eases the fear of the hospital stay. That eases the fear of the first few days at home with the new little babe.
That is good. Yes, that is very good.
And so…. In this good news, now it is still my job to deal with what is in front of us now, and worry about the stuff that comes later then.
I can do that. I will do that. I’m trying to do that.
Now please, no one strike me down for my ungratefulness…. I am grateful. I am. It’s just that I’m also…. Muddled.
So the adventure continues.