Am I the only one with an overdeveloped guilt-complex?
It might be aftershocks of grief compounded with the difficult months that went along with Mom’s illness and death, but I find that now that things are going ok–really, really ok–I still can’t just relax and be happy.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty that good things are happening for me, and not for other people. I feel guilty that things that come easy to me don’t for other people. I feel guilty that right now we have enough to pay our bills–our bank accounts aren’t oozing with extra spending-money, but we aren’t holding our breath until payday either. I feel guilty that my family is so healthy…
Along with the guilt is the ‘other shoe’ complex. Things are going along ok here…. but when is that going to change? When will the next crushing diagnosis come down. When will the next unexpected orders be cut? When will the next crisis occur? I wait for it, feeling that it could always be just around the corner.
I almost have mused at this half-expressed thought that I’ve had since life turned upside-down with Mom’s illness and things just kept going wrong, that if anything bad is going to happen it should happen to me. I don’t understand it, but it is a niggling that I have felt at different times when I’ve heard of someone else’s bad news. (Could this be some deep attention-seeking psychosis that I need immediate treatment for?). It’s not that I want bad things to happen to me, it’s just that… I feel guilty that they happen to somebody else.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy… But when I get thinkative and my thoughts turn to the difficult things that so many have to bear right now… the guilt-complex kicks in.
Things are going well now. Incredibly well. I know that I should lay back and relax in that, but the thing I can’t escape is that I now know that my family isn’t invincible. Bad things *can* happen to us. Bad things *do* happen to people just like us. My heart breaks so over these bad things…. that maybe part of me just wants to be there…. so that I understand, and so that people know that they aren’t alone. But… that is a rather masochistic way of achieving empathy isn’t it?
A ‘ragamuffin’ friend of mine (ddw) admonished me once to trust God to work even in the good….. To relax into Him even then.
I guess I need more practice.