Comments on: Losing a Parent in Early Adulthood and in the Midst of New Motherhood http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/ Stubbing my toes on Holy. Mon, 28 Dec 2009 22:17:48 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: Eddie http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6075 Eddie Sat, 12 Dec 2009 12:14:43 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6075 I'm 24 and lost my dad. He passed away unexpectedly on November 9 because of multiple embolisms in his lungs which caused a heart attack. Nobody saw it coming. He was only 63 years old. There was so much he still wanted to do. I strongly agree with you that we are glossed over when it comes to losing a parent. Children who lose a parent have support groups, and you're pretty well taken care of when you're in your forties or fifties and a parent dies, but we are stuck in one of those odd groups when you're surrounded mostly by people your own age who have no idea what you're going through. Good for them, of course, but you fear trying their patience. You wonder: how long can I talk about this and how often and when will people get bored with my stories? I am lucky, if such a word even applies here, to have at least three friends who went through the same thing. I can talk to them and know that they know how exactly it all sucks. I think what I will miss most is the holidays. Dad and I would always go camping in Brittany (France) together. The last few years, this was more and more a case of two adults going on a trip together. We knew each other so well, both the good and the bad things. We could be impatient together, regret the lack of gnomes to do the washing up, ( a joke we shared,) and we would go to the Festival Interceltique together and love the music. These are things I can't really share with anyone else because they belonged to dad and me. Now, there is so much stuff to do. His house must be sold, (dad lived by himself,) the car and motorcycle must be sold, stuff must be taken to the salvation army. It's like cleaning up a part of your life you don't want to clean up until you're at least fifty. And then there's the silence. Because, how exactly do you deal with grief like this? Speaking for myself, I'm still not sure. It's been a month and I do get emotional more than I usually would; movies that made me tear up a little before now just make me cry. I deal with this loss the best I know how, but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it right and if there is really a right at all. I'm looking forward to Christmas still, and sometimes I feel guilty about that. I really wished that I didn't because I shouldn't. We all handle loss differently. The thing is: I do really miss him but I refuse to let that stop me from living my life. He's dead, and no amount of catatonic behaviour is going to change that. I want to be able to look back later and think to myself: you handled that damn well, kiddo. In fact, I want my dad to think that, too. Maybe that's the point I'm trying to make: the dead don't want us to stop in our tracks because they took a road we cannot yet follow them on. We are simply not done here yet, and so we must do whatever task we set ourselves before we came here. Whatever that may be. Maybe this goes especially for our age group and the group before that because we still have so much life to live. If I have learned anything from my dad's death, or, more importantly, what it did to me, it's the following: I will no longer let matters rest for the sake of being everybody's best friend; I will not let that one guy I like get away from me because he doesn't come to me and I'm too cowardly or shy to go to him; I will go abroad for my Master year and have a blast. Crude as it may be, I am thankful for the positive things I have gained from this whole, horrible experience, and, in the end, that's worth a lot more than the pain I feel whenever I see something in a shop window that reminds me of him. Dad, I raise my glass to you. I don't know if you were the world's greatest dad, but you didn't have to be. You were my greatest dad. I’m 24 and lost my dad. He passed away unexpectedly on November 9 because of multiple embolisms in his lungs which caused a heart attack. Nobody saw it coming. He was only 63 years old. There was so much he still wanted to do.
I strongly agree with you that we are glossed over when it comes to losing a parent. Children who lose a parent have support groups, and you’re pretty well taken care of when you’re in your forties or fifties and a parent dies, but we are stuck in one of those odd groups when you’re surrounded mostly by people your own age who have no idea what you’re going through. Good for them, of course, but you fear trying their patience. You wonder: how long can I talk about this and how often and when will people get bored with my stories? I am lucky, if such a word even applies here, to have at least three friends who went through the same thing. I can talk to them and know that they know how exactly it all sucks.

I think what I will miss most is the holidays. Dad and I would always go camping in Brittany (France) together. The last few years, this was more and more a case of two adults going on a trip together. We knew each other so well, both the good and the bad things. We could be impatient together, regret the lack of gnomes to do the washing up, ( a joke we shared,) and we would go to the Festival Interceltique together and love the music. These are things I can’t really share with anyone else because they belonged to dad and me. Now, there is so much stuff to do. His house must be sold, (dad lived by himself,) the car and motorcycle must be sold, stuff must be taken to the salvation army. It’s like cleaning up a part of your life you don’t want to clean up until you’re at least fifty.

And then there’s the silence. Because, how exactly do you deal with grief like this? Speaking for myself, I’m still not sure. It’s been a month and I do get emotional more than I usually would; movies that made me tear up a little before now just make me cry. I deal with this loss the best I know how, but sometimes I wonder if I’m doing it right and if there is really a right at all. I’m looking forward to Christmas still, and sometimes I feel guilty about that. I really wished that I didn’t because I shouldn’t. We all handle loss differently. The thing is: I do really miss him but I refuse to let that stop me from living my life. He’s dead, and no amount of catatonic behaviour is going to change that. I want to be able to look back later and think to myself: you handled that damn well, kiddo. In fact, I want my dad to think that, too. Maybe that’s the point I’m trying to make: the dead don’t want us to stop in our tracks because they took a road we cannot yet follow them on. We are simply not done here yet, and so we must do whatever task we set ourselves before we came here. Whatever that may be. Maybe this goes especially for our age group and the group before that because we still have so much life to live.

If I have learned anything from my dad’s death, or, more importantly, what it did to me, it’s the following: I will no longer let matters rest for the sake of being everybody’s best friend; I will not let that one guy I like get away from me because he doesn’t come to me and I’m too cowardly or shy to go to him; I will go abroad for my Master year and have a blast. Crude as it may be, I am thankful for the positive things I have gained from this whole, horrible experience, and, in the end, that’s worth a lot more than the pain I feel whenever I see something in a shop window that reminds me of him.

Dad, I raise my glass to you. I don’t know if you were the world’s greatest dad, but you didn’t have to be. You were my greatest dad.

]]> By: Nikki http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6070 Nikki Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:30:06 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6070 Words can't express how grateful I was to come across this website. I am 26 and recently lost my dad due to a tragic accident. I am not married and do not have any children. I am just beginning to develop a career path and my dad was an instrumental part of my developing adulthood. I just feel so sad that he was not able to see me "make it" in life. I just hope that as time goes by I can celebrate his life and how he helped me become the person I am today. I can only feel so sorry for all the other younger adults out there who have lost a parent. However, I do find comfort that other people who have gone through a similiar experience can openly write and discuss their feelings. So thank you so much for this wonderful blog...it really has helped make me feel a little less alone. Words can’t express how grateful I was to come across this website. I am 26 and recently lost my dad due to a tragic accident. I am not married and do not have any children. I am just beginning to develop a career path and my dad was an instrumental part of my developing adulthood. I just feel so sad that he was not able to see me “make it” in life. I just hope that as time goes by I can celebrate his life and how he helped me become the person I am today.

I can only feel so sorry for all the other younger adults out there who have lost a parent. However, I do find comfort that other people who have gone through a similiar experience can openly write and discuss their feelings.

So thank you so much for this wonderful blog…it really has helped make me feel a little less alone.

]]> By: Mary http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6068 Mary Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:12:52 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6068 I lost my mother suddenly (heart attack) the day before I gave birth to my son. If you haven't lived through it, no one knows what it is like. I was in the hospital recoving from my son's birth (C section)so never attended the funeral and all of those things that help you with the idea of death. I look back and am amazed I even survived dealing with the death of my mom and having a newborn. Fast forward 29 years later and I am now dealing with my dad who is terminally ill. The sorrow comes in such waves.....I am 55 and not ready to be an orphan yet..... I lost my mother suddenly (heart attack) the day before I gave birth to my son. If you haven’t lived through it, no one knows what it is like. I was in the hospital recoving from my son’s birth (C section)so never attended the funeral and all of those things that help you with the idea of death. I look back and am amazed I even survived dealing with the death of my mom and having a newborn. Fast forward 29 years later and I am now dealing with my dad who is terminally ill. The sorrow comes in such waves…..I am 55 and not ready to be an orphan yet…..

]]> By: Angie http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6066 Angie Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:00:52 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6066 I am 28 years old, 16 weeks pregnant, and just found out that my mom's lymphatic cancer has spread to her lungs and other parts of her body. I am so devastated, and cannot stop crying. My family was worried that the stress of my mom's illness will cause me to miscarry, and did not want to tell me the bad news last night. My mom however, thought that she needed to be upfront with me because she knows I would not like to be left in the dark. It makes me so sad to think that my mom might die before my baby is born and not get a chance to see her grandchild. My mom said she is trying to fight this just so she can see her grand baby, and that I need to be strong for the baby. I know that this is part of life, but it sucks!I don't think I am ready for any of this, yet I know I need to trust in God that he will comfort my mom, family, and myself during this time. I know I need to stay positive and hope for the best for her, but in reality I also know that she might not be able to fight this one. Anyhow, I felt the need to get this off my chest, and reading everyone's stories has helped me to see that I am not alone in this. Thank you for all your personal stories. I am 28 years old, 16 weeks pregnant, and just found out that my mom’s lymphatic cancer has spread to her lungs and other parts of her body. I am so devastated, and cannot stop crying. My family was worried that the stress of my mom’s illness will cause me to miscarry, and did not want to tell me the bad news last night. My mom however, thought that she needed to be upfront with me because she knows I would not like to be left in the dark. It makes me so sad to think that my mom might die before my baby is born and not get a chance to see her grandchild. My mom said she is trying to fight this just so she can see her grand baby, and that I need to be strong for the baby. I know that this is part of life, but it sucks!I don’t think I am ready for any of this, yet I know I need to trust in God that he will comfort my mom, family, and myself during this time. I know I need to stay positive and hope for the best for her, but in reality I also know that she might not be able to fight this one. Anyhow, I felt the need to get this off my chest, and reading everyone’s stories has helped me to see that I am not alone in this. Thank you for all your personal stories.

]]> By: Kenya http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6065 Kenya Sat, 24 Oct 2009 07:29:55 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6065 I am 28 now, I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer on Dec 9th 2007, I was 26. I still lived at home with her at the time and I was single with no kids. I still live in our family home. It will soon be two years but the loss feels like just yesterday. Sometimes I feel so cheated, sometimes I'm envious of people I know who still have their moms and sometimes I'm ok. I have my moments when I just cry, I cry because she is no longer here. I was just getting to really know her and I was just getting to really know myself and I still needed her. I like to think that perhaps there is some divine reason for her being taken and perhaps I didn't need her as much as thought. What I do know is not a day goes by that I don't think of her, that I don't want just a brief conversation with her or want her advice. Words can never fully desribe the loss or how much I miss her and how important she was to me. I've found happiness in a new relationship and life's simple pleasures but there is always a part of me that feels empty and that feels likes something is missing. It's scary to imagine going through life with this void that can't be filled by anyone else but I know she would have wanted me to keep on going and make the most out of everyday. I think about having my own family more now than ever before because I want to give the gift she has given me to someone else......this gift of unconditional, eternal love. I am 28 now, I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer on Dec 9th 2007, I was 26. I still lived at home with her at the time and I was single with no kids. I still live in our family home. It will soon be two years but the loss feels like just yesterday. Sometimes I feel so cheated, sometimes I’m envious of people I know who still have their moms and sometimes I’m ok. I have my moments when I just cry, I cry because she is no longer here. I was just getting to really know her and I was just getting to really know myself and I still needed her. I like to think that perhaps there is some divine reason for her being taken and perhaps I didn’t need her as much as thought. What I do know is not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, that I don’t want just a brief conversation with her or want her advice. Words can never fully desribe the loss or how much I miss her and how important she was to me.
I’ve found happiness in a new relationship and life’s simple pleasures but there is always a part of me that feels empty and that feels likes something is missing. It’s scary to imagine going through life with this void that can’t be filled by anyone else but I know she would have wanted me to keep on going and make the most out of everyday.
I think about having my own family more now than ever before because I want to give the gift she has given me to someone else……this gift of unconditional, eternal love.

]]> By: Candi http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6064 Candi Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:53:21 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6064 I found out I was pregnant in early March. This was my first baby, and would be my parents 2nd grandchild. My now husband, proposed to me in April, within days my mother passed away very suddenly in her sleep from a Pulmonary Embolism. She was 56. I was 26. I spoke to her the night before, but rushed her off the phone because I was hanging out with some friends whom I hadn't seen in a long time. That night plays over and over in my head. I wish I would of talked to her, to hear everything she had to say. I would give anything to hear her again, to see her again. To tell her I love her. My mom had a very hard life. It wasn't fair to her. I used to think she wasn't a strong person because of the way her life was near the end, but God will only give us what we can handle and for her to handle all of that, she WAS a strong woman! My mom suffered abuse in her home as a child from an alcoholic mother. Abuse from a husband. She lost her first child, my 1/2 sister, when she was just 19 in a terrible car accident. She lost her best friend to suicide shortly after. My father cheated on her and remained doing so the last 5 years my mom was alive. They still lived together so my dad could take care of her. She had a bad back from years of hard work, she got addicted to pain killers, and then once she found out about dad, she started drugs. My mother fell victim to other peoples sins. She thought they were her friends, but they only wanted her money. I watched my mom get taken away in a police car when I was 23. To see my sad mother crying, hand cuffed and so scared, taken away because she made a bad decision. Because she found a way to cope, that wasn't the right way, but it made her for once feel good. It hurts to know that she didn't get to experience much of life after that. They put her on house arrest, and although she had been clean for a while, they denied letting her off. I barely saw my mom during that time, she began heavily smoking, (which she never did before), I always used that as an excuse not to see her, or because I am allergic to cats and she had them inside. She would call me sometimes and ask what I was doing, our conversations never lasted too long. I didn't feel connected to her as I used to when I was a teenager and she was my best friend. Her pain took her life. Before I found out I was pregnant my mom was sent to the hospital for seizures. She's never had them before. They sent her home, only for her to go back hours later. It hurts to know she suffered like this..... They put her on a breathing machine and induced coma until they could treat her. It was an infection that spread to her brain. She was in the hospital for weeks. I cried when I went to visit her, to see her like that. I just wanted my mom back. One day at work my dad called and said someone wants to talk to you, "Candi" she called out, her voice so raspy from the tubes. I said MOM. I love you! She told me she loved me too. I got to see her after that and we talked. She told me she was sorry for how she had been, what she had done. She said she was a bad mom, but I told her, God is giving you that 2nd chance. I never thought, not once, that my mom was a bad mom, she just made some bad choices in life, like I did when I was younger, mom just made them after experiencing difficult times in her life. I remember holding my moms hand in the hospital, so soft. Aging hands of my mother. She was transferred to an assisted living facility to begin treatment. She couldn't move too much from being in the bed and in a coma for so long. She hated it there and wanted to leave all the time. I called my dad when he was visiting there one day and had them put me on speaker phone so everyone could hear. I told them I was pregnant. Everyone was happy. Well, mom said "Oh no!" LOL, but I know she was happy. Soon after my mom left the facility early on her own before treatment was up. That was when it all went down hill. She started smoking again because of an incident with my dads girlfriend calling the house. I was so upset with my mom, I told her I knew she;d start again and I thought she was stronger than that. My mom had days where she was dizzy. I never listened to her complain too much because I always avoid drama, it's depressing to me. I wish I would of listened though. She went to the dr's to see what was wrong. Nothing found. Days later she died in her sleep. It's so unreal losing a parent. The order of life is set to do just that, but moms life wasn't. She lost her daughter first. Her best friend, and then her husband of 29 years had been cheating. I can only imagine her pain compared to mine. She fought so hard and so quietly. She self medicated herself to deal with it because that was all she knew. I wasn't there for her. I stood back and shook my head. I had given up home early after finding out about the drugs. I am glad she was clean though and she knew she was going to be a grandma. I am sad she didn't make it to my wedding. She did pay for the honey moon, that was her gift she said. I am now almost 9 months pregnant. I am having a baby boy. I think about her every day. Her smile, her laugh. I wish she could be here right now beside me helping me. This pain hasn't gone away, some days it feels like day one all over again. You cope the best way you can......thought it still hurts, you learn to recover easier each time. Tears are good to let out every once in a while. I am sorry this is so long. If anyone would like to talk, please email me candibrewer09@yahoo.com I found out I was pregnant in early March. This was my first baby, and would be my parents 2nd grandchild. My now husband, proposed to me in April, within days my mother passed away very suddenly in her sleep from a Pulmonary Embolism. She was 56. I was 26. I spoke to her the night before, but rushed her off the phone because I was hanging out with some friends whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. That night plays over and over in my head. I wish I would of talked to her, to hear everything she had to say. I would give anything to hear her again, to see her again. To tell her I love her.

My mom had a very hard life. It wasn’t fair to her. I used to think she wasn’t a strong person because of the way her life was near the end, but God will only give us what we can handle and for her to handle all of that, she WAS a strong woman!

My mom suffered abuse in her home as a child from an alcoholic mother. Abuse from a husband. She lost her first child, my 1/2 sister, when she was just 19 in a terrible car accident. She lost her best friend to suicide shortly after. My father cheated on her and remained doing so the last 5 years my mom was alive. They still lived together so my dad could take care of her. She had a bad back from years of hard work, she got addicted to pain killers, and then once she found out about dad, she started drugs. My mother fell victim to other peoples sins. She thought they were her friends, but they only wanted her money. I watched my mom get taken away in a police car when I was 23. To see my sad mother crying, hand cuffed and so scared, taken away because she made a bad decision. Because she found a way to cope, that wasn’t the right way, but it made her for once feel good. It hurts to know that she didn’t get to experience much of life after that. They put her on house arrest, and although she had been clean for a while, they denied letting her off. I barely saw my mom during that time, she began heavily smoking, (which she never did before), I always used that as an excuse not to see her, or because I am allergic to cats and she had them inside. She would call me sometimes and ask what I was doing, our conversations never lasted too long. I didn’t feel connected to her as I used to when I was a teenager and she was my best friend. Her pain took her life.

Before I found out I was pregnant my mom was sent to the hospital for seizures. She’s never had them before. They sent her home, only for her to go back hours later. It hurts to know she suffered like this…..

They put her on a breathing machine and induced coma until they could treat her. It was an infection that spread to her brain. She was in the hospital for weeks. I cried when I went to visit her, to see her like that. I just wanted my mom back.

One day at work my dad called and said someone wants to talk to you, “Candi” she called out, her voice so raspy from the tubes. I said MOM. I love you! She told me she loved me too.

I got to see her after that and we talked. She told me she was sorry for how she had been, what she had done. She said she was a bad mom, but I told her, God is giving you that 2nd chance. I never thought, not once, that my mom was a bad mom, she just made some bad choices in life, like I did when I was younger, mom just made them after experiencing difficult times in her life. I remember holding my moms hand in the hospital, so soft. Aging hands of my mother.

She was transferred to an assisted living facility to begin treatment. She couldn’t move too much from being in the bed and in a coma for so long. She hated it there and wanted to leave all the time. I called my dad when he was visiting there one day and had them put me on speaker phone so everyone could hear. I told them I was pregnant. Everyone was happy. Well, mom said “Oh no!” LOL, but I know she was happy. Soon after my mom left the facility early on her own before treatment was up. That was when it all went down hill. She started smoking again because of an incident with my dads girlfriend calling the house. I was so upset with my mom, I told her I knew she;d start again and I thought she was stronger than that. My mom had days where she was dizzy. I never listened to her complain too much because I always avoid drama, it’s depressing to me. I wish I would of listened though. She went to the dr’s to see what was wrong. Nothing found. Days later she died in her sleep.

It’s so unreal losing a parent. The order of life is set to do just that, but moms life wasn’t. She lost her daughter first. Her best friend, and then her husband of 29 years had been cheating. I can only imagine her pain compared to mine. She fought so hard and so quietly. She self medicated herself to deal with it because that was all she knew. I wasn’t there for her. I stood back and shook my head. I had given up home early after finding out about the drugs. I am glad she was clean though and she knew she was going to be a grandma. I am sad she didn’t make it to my wedding. She did pay for the honey moon, that was her gift she said.

I am now almost 9 months pregnant. I am having a baby boy. I think about her every day. Her smile, her laugh. I wish she could be here right now beside me helping me. This pain hasn’t gone away, some days it feels like day one all over again. You cope the best way you can……thought it still hurts, you learn to recover easier each time. Tears are good to let out every once in a while.

I am sorry this is so long. If anyone would like to talk, please email me candibrewer09@yahoo.com

]]> By: Todd http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6063 Todd Wed, 14 Oct 2009 21:42:11 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6063 Maria has said what my feelings have been searching for. To have a few minutes back in time to speak with my mother and tell her how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her being my mother. When she was ill I was just too devestated to think straight. I only saw her about half the time I should have because I wa not strong enough to watch her die. I was already trying to "let go" because it was destroying me inside. This is already five years ago but I am only now able to begin to deal with it. I am only now able to cry. I think I felt that to cry was to be ungrateful for having such a kind and loving mother. I loved my mother dearly and I hope that she will always have that knowledge in her soul wherever she is now. I wish all of you that are suffering a greater level of peace in your lives. Thank you for the chance to talk. Todd Maria has said what my feelings have been searching for. To have a few minutes back in time to speak with my mother and tell her how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her being my mother. When she was ill I was just too devestated to think straight. I only saw her about half the time I should have because I wa not strong enough to watch her die. I was already trying to “let go” because it was destroying me inside. This is already five years ago but I am only now able to begin to deal with it. I am only now able to cry. I think I felt that to cry was to be ungrateful for having such a kind and loving mother. I loved my mother dearly and I hope that she will always have that knowledge in her soul wherever she is now.

I wish all of you that are suffering a greater level of peace in your lives. Thank you for the chance to talk.

Todd

]]> By: Fleur http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6062 Fleur Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:54:40 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6062 I lost my dad in April (APRIL 2009.) It was a big shock, I'm 28 and he was only 53 - he died a week before his 24the birthday. I had also just split up with my partner of seven years the previous August - we were going to get married but it never happened..... I always though that I would be older, married and have kids as some sort of comfort to ease the pain of this situation but it wasn't mean to be for me and I can see from all of the posts that it doesn't make a difference. I have a lot of anger and pain - again this was not my mum who died but I need to get this out so I hope you all understand.... I had two weeks off work in which to "FIX" myself... of course I went back and have been OK, I guess because I have been so busy I have not really had time to think about it. I got made redundant and since not working I have not been able to sleep and regularly think about my dad and cry myself to sleep. I will never have a dad to walk me up the aisle when I do get married and this makes me sad enough not to want to get married. I have a friend whose dad dies 7 years agao - she still to this day cries... I know my email is a bit all over the place - I'm upset, angry and disappointed with life. On an up note - my plan to make things seem worthwhile is to remember the happy times I had with my dad. All too often we never get in life to do those things that we truly desire to do - whether that be jump out of a plane, swim with dolphins, or travel around the world. I have decided and I think if it is at all feasible that you all follow my idea to make a list of all those things your parent (whether that be mother or father) wanted to do or didn't get to do in their lifetime and go and do them for them. They will experience these things and do them with you in spirit but you can do them in honor of them. One other point I urge you to follow, it is something I wish to do when I am blessed with my first child, is to make a scrap book or regular holiday videos so that if god forbid or when in old age anyone of us passes over our children have something we wrote, photographed or videoed for them to remember us by because I REALLY wish apart from the few photos I have that I had more with which to remember my dad by. Anyway - I will leave my email address if anyone wishes to get in contact just to talk.... without someone to help you through the downsides life is always that little bit harder. You can reach me on F_RODGERSb@hotmail.com Love, Peace and blessings to all of those who have lost a parent. I feel your pain. xxxx xxx I lost my dad in April (APRIL 2009.) It was a big shock, I’m 28 and he was only 53 – he died a week before his 24the birthday. I had also just split up with my partner of seven years the previous August – we were going to get married but it never happened…..

I always though that I would be older, married and have kids as some sort of comfort to ease the pain of this situation but it wasn’t mean to be for me and I can see from all of the posts that it doesn’t make a difference.

I have a lot of anger and pain – again this was not my mum who died but I need to get this out so I hope you all understand….

I had two weeks off work in which to “FIX” myself… of course I went back and have been OK, I guess because I have been so busy I have not really had time to think about it. I got made redundant and since not working I have not been able to sleep and regularly think about my dad and cry myself to sleep.

I will never have a dad to walk me up the aisle when I do get married and this makes me sad enough not to want to get married.

I have a friend whose dad dies 7 years agao – she still to this day cries…

I know my email is a bit all over the place – I’m upset, angry and disappointed with life.

On an up note – my plan to make things seem worthwhile is to remember the happy times I had with my dad. All too often we never get in life to do those things that we truly desire to do – whether that be jump out of a plane, swim with dolphins, or travel around the world. I have decided and I think if it is at all feasible that you all follow my idea to make a list of all those things your parent (whether that be mother or father) wanted to do or didn’t get to do in their lifetime and go and do them for them. They will experience these things and do them with you in spirit but you can do them in honor of them.

One other point I urge you to follow, it is something I wish to do when I am blessed with my first child, is to make a scrap book or regular holiday videos so that if god forbid or when in old age anyone of us passes over our children have something we wrote, photographed or videoed for them to remember us by because I REALLY wish apart from the few photos I have that I had more with which to remember my dad by.

Anyway – I will leave my email address if anyone wishes to get in contact just to talk…. without someone to help you through the downsides life is always that little bit harder.

You can reach me on F_RODGERSb@hotmail.com

Love, Peace and blessings to all of those who have lost a parent. I feel your pain.

xxxx

xxx

]]> By: Jessica http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6060 Jessica Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:59:31 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6060 I was looking for something like this, I was a week into 25 when I lost my father to Colon Cancer, on May 9 2009, almost 5 months ago..he was only 54. I know this isn't about a mother, but i was looking for something, anything on how to deal with the crying and the extreme pain. I was so angry at him before he died, for not being there for my wedding or for not being there for my children. So much anger and yet I couldn't control it. My bf had the opportunity to ask my father and my mom for their permission to marry me, they both said yes. And I am thankful for that everyday, but he won't be htere to see it. I cry all the time for no reason, and most of all, because I was present when he actually passed away, I see him dead...all the time... Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?? Please... I was looking for something like this, I was a week into 25 when I lost my father to Colon Cancer, on May 9 2009, almost 5 months ago..he was only 54. I know this isn’t about a mother, but i was looking for something, anything on how to deal with the crying and the extreme pain. I was so angry at him before he died, for not being there for my wedding or for not being there for my children. So much anger and yet I couldn’t control it. My bf had the opportunity to ask my father and my mom for their permission to marry me, they both said yes. And I am thankful for that everyday, but he won’t be htere to see it. I cry all the time for no reason, and most of all, because I was present when he actually passed away, I see him dead…all the time…
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this??
Please…

]]> By: Jo http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6057 Jo Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:28:49 +0000 http://digtoesin.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/losing-a-parent-in-early-adulthood-and-in-the-midst-of-new-motherhood/#comment-6057 WOW...I am not alone! I just sat and read the entries for the last 2 hours and cried the whole time. Last night was tough night. Somehow it felt like no one could understand the nighmare I have been living. It feels good to know that I am not alone. I lost my mom a year ago today. She lived in California where I am from, and I am away in graduate school in Chicago. I was not able to be with her in her final days/weeks because I was 9 months pregnant and unable to travel at the advice of my doctor. My mom passed away very suddenly...she went into the hospital and passed within 2 weeks. I had no time to prepare myself. In fact up until the last few days no one even talked about her not making it out. She died just 7 days before I delivered her first grand-daughter...for which she was so excited. She was scheduled to be with me in my delivery...help me set-up the nursery...advise me through the first few weeks at home with a new baby. Instead I was alone, just my husband and I because everyone else (my sister and brother) were in california grieving her loss and could hardly think about my delivery at that time. Her loss was so fresh, it was impossible to be happy and joyful at my daughters birth when I felt so shocked and sad inside. The worst part is that I was not able to say good bye...I love you...she stopped talking and slept most of the time...so I had to get reports by phone from my siblings on what was happening at the hospital. The stress of her just being sick and in the hospital actually sent me at 9 months pregnant to the hospital with elevated/rapid heart rate. I was in the hospital, hooked up the baby heart rate monitor doing a stress test when I got the call that she passed away. What a blow! It was the worst time in my life. I will never be the same. Today I struggle with trying to enjoy my beautiful daughter who is almost 1. I feel like everyone around me is so happy with the new baby etc, but I live under a dark cloud and have to smile and fake it. It is a struggle and no one in my world knows how I feel. I am lost, I am sad and I am still in shock. It happened a year ago...how can I still be in shock? I did not really deal with the loss when I happened, I had a new baby within a week, and I was finishing up my degree. I had to "get back to work". I took a 4 month maternity/grieving leave and was back to school after that. Just 6 months after she died I defended my dissertation. Now that nothing else is going on in my life...it is starting to really hit me. Unfortunately, everyone is gone, all the supportive friends and neighbors have left. I am on my own. I am lost, and I feel like I better find some help soon. One of my friends suggested that I my grief may be compounded by a bit of post-partum depression or baby blues. I don't know...I am going to find a therapist ASAP. I think it would help to get some of this stuff out. Thanks for reading and thanks for all the post...they were so helpful during one of my dark nights. Jo WOW…I am not alone! I just sat and read the entries for the last 2 hours and cried the whole time. Last night was tough night. Somehow it felt like no one could understand the nighmare I have been living. It feels good to know that I am not alone.

I lost my mom a year ago today. She lived in California where I am from, and I am away in graduate school in Chicago. I was not able to be with her in her final days/weeks because I was 9 months pregnant and unable to travel at the advice of my doctor. My mom passed away very suddenly…she went into the hospital and passed within 2 weeks. I had no time to prepare myself. In fact up until the last few days no one even talked about her not making it out. She died just 7 days before I delivered her first grand-daughter…for which she was so excited. She was scheduled to be with me in my delivery…help me set-up the nursery…advise me through the first few weeks at home with a new baby. Instead I was alone, just my husband and I because everyone else (my sister and brother) were in california grieving her loss and could hardly think about my delivery at that time. Her loss was so fresh, it was impossible to be happy and joyful at my daughters birth when I felt so shocked and sad inside. The worst part is that I was not able to say good bye…I love you…she stopped talking and slept most of the time…so I had to get reports by phone from my siblings on what was happening at the hospital. The stress of her just being sick and in the hospital actually sent me at 9 months pregnant to the hospital with elevated/rapid heart rate. I was in the hospital, hooked up the baby heart rate monitor doing a stress test when I got the call that she passed away. What a blow! It was the worst time in my life. I will never be the same.

Today I struggle with trying to enjoy my beautiful daughter who is almost 1. I feel like everyone around me is so happy with the new baby etc, but I live under a dark cloud and have to smile and fake it. It is a struggle and no one in my world knows how I feel. I am lost, I am sad and I am still in shock. It happened a year ago…how can I still be in shock? I did not really deal with the loss when I happened, I had a new baby within a week, and I was finishing up my degree. I had to “get back to work”. I took a 4 month maternity/grieving leave and was back to school after that. Just 6 months after she died I defended my dissertation. Now that nothing else is going on in my life…it is starting to really hit me. Unfortunately, everyone is gone, all the supportive friends and neighbors have left. I am on my own. I am lost, and I feel like I better find some help soon. One of my friends suggested that I my grief may be compounded by a bit of post-partum depression or baby blues. I don’t know…I am going to find a therapist ASAP. I think it would help to get some of this stuff out.

Thanks for reading and thanks for all the post…they were so helpful during one of my dark nights.
Jo

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