Losing a Parent in Early Adulthood and in the Midst of New Motherhood

****Tonight (2-24-2010) this post has 100 comments.  I am blown away by the stories shared here.  I am humbled that anything written here struck a chord with others.  I am grateful to know that I am not alone.  If you are finding this blog for the first time and have experienced the loss of a parent, know that you aren’t alone.  Know too that I read every. single. comment.  I care.  I understand–at least as much as I can through my own experiences.  Thank you all for being with me on the journey.***

This is something I have thought about many, many times since my Mom died.  I’ve writen some about it here previously. 

I mention it here again because, well…  because I can’t stop thinking about it and right now I feel I am at a place where I can objectively explore the issue a bit, although I fear that regular readers are again rolling their eyes and going, “More on the grief stuff… get over it.”  (To those who may indeed be thinking those things, I will assure you that I am allowing myself to heal, but these things still assault my every day life, and are very present in my thoughts…  even as I do heal and approach life in the beginnings of a ‘new normal.’)

When you lose a parent as an adult, you get a lot of, “Well this is the normal course of things….”  The idea here is that since it is ‘normal’ it must necessarily then be ‘easy.’  I am here to tell you that those two things should not be assumed to equate.

You also get a lot of underlying messages of, “Well you are a grown up now, so suck it up.  It’s not as tragic as it might have been if you’d lost her as a child.”  I will agree to an extent with the last part of that sentiment.  I will.  But just because I am a grown up, does not mean that it is “easy” to be without my mother.  It does not mean that in many ways I don’t still need her.

Mom died when I was 24.  My first daughter was 4 months old.  She was diagnosed with Lung Cancer when I was 6 months pregnant.  I am an only child.

I lost my mother at a time when my ‘grown up life’ was just starting and my adult relationship with her was in it’s infancy.  I lost her as I was becoming a mother.

Two books that are recommended over and over again to women who have experienced mother loss are Motherless Daughters and Motherless Mothersboth by Hope Edleman.  I have a confession to make:  I’ve never read either.  The reason I’ve never read either is simple:  from what I can gather looking through the dust cover, front flap, and first chapters the books focus quite a bit on the commonalities that exist between women who lost their Mom’s during childhood.  I have been afraid to read the books because I didn’t want my loss to be minimized because it occurred soon after my graduation from ‘childhood.’  Also, the theme in Motherless Mothersseems to be the idea of healing by becoming a mother myself.  However, my experience has been that because of the juxtaposition of losing my Mom when I was becoming a mother myself my grief has been complicated quite a bit.  I don’t feel healed as I approach the task of motherhood.  I feel haunted by my loss.

I really believe that losing a parent at this juncture in life–during the life stage of ‘starting’ as an adult and of ‘starting a family’ contains unique issues that often get passed by.  No we don’t necessarily deal with our parent not attending our high school graduation or seeing the adult that we’ve grown into, but neither do we fit into the category that seems to be automatically skipped to in resources and literature–the ‘sandwich generation’ category.  I DID NOT lose my mother during middle adulthood.  I didn’t get to see her be a grandparent to my children.  I don’t have her to support me as I work my way through this fledgling phase of being a wife, being a mother, being a woman.  No, I didn’t deal with the issues surrounding the possibility of her entering a nursing home for an extended period of my life–but that’s because I didn’t have the privilege of having her around for that long.

So what do I feel are the important issues related to parental loss at this stage of life?  I think ‘not fitting’ is one of those issues.  I think being expected to ‘suck it up and move on’ because we are adults–when we are really only just getting used to our own grown up skin is another. Missing the help and support that many parents offer during this pivotal time in life is another.  We face the loss of a primary advisor at a time of newness and uncertainty.  We lose a parent’s normal physical helpfulness at this stage–i.e. helping care for the grand-kids from time to time. 

You lose the opportunity to relate to your parent in an adult to adult relationship.  You lose time to make peace with the terror that you were as a teenager or to talk things over and understand where your parent was coming from set into the context of their own larger lives.  When Mom was diagnosed I had just begun to reflect on the fact that she was quickly becoming one of my ‘closest adult friends.’  Right before she was sick I called her several times a week, if not every day just to talk about….  anything.  I was talking things over with her that I never thought I would talk over with her.  With her decline all of that was lost.

I don’t think it is a ‘normal’ time to lose a parent, and I don’t think the loss is as ‘normal’ as we are asked to believe it is. 

Additionally there is a ‘distance’ that I’ve read you are supposed to feel with the loss of a parent as an adult, I guess because it is not the loss of someone in your immediate household.  However, I think at this time in one’s life that ‘distance’ isn’t necessarily there.  You are just beginning to walk out of the phase of needing Mom and Dad for everything.  Your history includes far more years of living with them than it does the family you are starting (and I in NO WAY am implying that a loss of spouse or child at this point in time would be ‘easier,’ because I know that I can’t even imagine how staggering those losses would be at ANY TIME….  I am simply saying that this ‘distance’ from parents that is supposed to make things ‘easier’ isn’t present at least for me at this stage of my development as a human.)  I think this is the stage in life that the connection to parents may in some ways feel almost equal to the connection to one’s growing family.

On top of those issues there was the timing of my loss—which was not as uncommon as you might think.  Mom’s illness, decline, and death superimposed on my pregnancy, daughter’s birth, and first four months of life really threw a wrench into my grief….  and not just  because of the hormonal issues that are common to pregnancy.  Losing my mother while becoming a mother was an indescribable experience.  The loss that I feel at every stage of Little Miss’s development is huge.  The loss that I feel at having a child that my mother will never meet is huge.  The comfort that was offered by folks who would say, “Be strong for that baby,” or “Just hold her tight,” often just seemed a cruel reminder of the loss of my own mother and the loss that my children were experiencing before either having understanding of it, or even….  having existence.  Dealing with the newness of my identity of a mother on top of the newneses of my grief was….  well it was staggering to live through.  It truly was.  And I’ve spoken to several women in very similar situations who have expressed very much the same thing.

And then there are those in early adulthood who *haven’t* started a family.  Those who will miss having their parents there to walk them down the aisle or to hear the words, “I’m pregnant.”  No one could convince a person dealing with those issues that whatever number makes one an adult makes the loss of those milestones with your parent any less tragic.

I guess what I wish is that this significant loss in my age and stage wouldn’t be glossed over.  I wish that the platitudes and assumptions that go along with the loss of a parent as an older adult weren’t automatically slapped onto my situation as a younger adult (and really they should NOT be slapped on to ANY situation).  I wish there were resources that explored something other than the lifetime of difficulties caused by the loss of a parent in childhood (and certainly those resources ARE greatly needed).

And just in case anyone else was having those thoughts, I thought I’d say them out loud.

Additionally, I would love feedback from anyone who has lost a parent during a similar age and stage….  or from anyone who hasn’t.  Maybe I’m all wet.  Maybe I’m overly sensitive.  Maybe I’m being ridiculous.  I don’t know.  I just know that these are the feelings I’ve had as I’ve observed the world reacting to my loss and the feelings I have had as a result.

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324 thoughts on “Losing a Parent in Early Adulthood and in the Midst of New Motherhood

  1. (((Val))))
    I just got off the phone with a friend and we were discussing the same thing. She is 34 now… she lost her mother to cancer in her early 20’s… her son was an infant at the time. She still grieves for her mother, it is still a hole in her heart that just won’t be filled. I don’t have any answers… Maybe we never really heal… The only thing I know for sure is I can be her friend and love her..let her tell me how she feels…and smack anyone who tries to tell her how to feel…and I would do the same for you…and I admire the heck out of you…and I love to read/hear your journey…

    Love you
    Terry

  2. Val,
    My heart aches at the thought of your loss. There is something very different about the timing of losing your mom, absolutely. When such a heart-breaking loss is linked to such a heart-filling time, the incongruence is unimaginable. I can also understand wanting to read about others who’ve suffered grief under those particular circumstances. Somebody has to be the one to write that book…..

    love,
    Mich

  3. I am so greatful to have found your blog. You wrote exactly what I am feeling. I am 22 and just lost my mom 9 months ago. Even though I have no children, the thought of her NEVER knowing my chidren is almost harder than her being gone. My friends are starting to get pregnant and I am almost dreading the day when I cant call her to tell her my good news. Its such a intimate experience and I cannot imagine how weird its going to feel without her. I would love to keep in contact with you- I feel very alone in my emotions. my email is liapizzaria@sbcglobal.net

    • Lia,

      Your words are what have been on my heart for the past 3 months. While I didn’t lose my mother, my father died unexpectedely in his sleep almost 3 months ago. I am only 21 years ago. The first thoughts that went through my mind was that he wasn’t gonna be there to walk me down the aisle, he was never going to meet the man I choose to spend the rest of my life with, and most importantly, he’s never going to meet and play with my children. You are not alone in your emotions.

      • i FEEL U LIA!!! I’m in the EXACT same boat. I was just 24 and he was only 48…hang in there

    • Hi Lia,
      I am in the same boat as you. I just lost my mother in December and I have just turned 27. I completely understand the feelings of deep loss and the constant reminder that your mother will not be there for any of the big “adult” milestones: marriage, children, new job, promotion, baby dedication, showers etc.
      It is a different experience than losing your mother as a child, but is in no way a lesser experience. Simply different. The concerns and fear is a different kind of fear. The place you are at is a different place in your walk in life. I too wish that people could understand that and would stop telling me I’m an adult and to deal with it. How is one suppose to deal with the death of your best friend? Our world doesn’t understand and is therefore uncomfortable with grief. Thus, we are told to be adults and essentially stop grieving. Clearly this is not a healthy option or even a realistic one. One has to grieve and regardless of your age or how “old” you are supposed to be it still hurts.

    • I’m an only child, my mother raised me by herself,..she passed 4 days before christmas 2011. I’ve caught myself wanting to call her numerous times. I feel so lost and alone and its the worst feeling in the world

      • It is the worst feeling in the world. I lost my mom when I was very young. It has been almost a forever ago, but I still remember her telephone number, it seems iI should be able to call her. I wish you the best of times. Stay busy and focus on positive things because this issue takes time and then you really never get over the loss of your mom.

    • Yes, there will always be a hole in your heart, and we will always feel cheated when they are not there for the milestones in our life. I was twenty two years old when my mom was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I was with her for three and one half years of painful treatments. My dad and mom died five months apart.
      That was over twenty years ago, but the memories are still harsh. The reality of all that it entailed was brutal. Folks took advantage of the fact that I had no extended family that had my back. I endured while burdened with the questions that encompassed miles of empty roads that asked while me?
      My GG niece mother died suddenly, and now I am the only one that is walking with her. Her aunt demanded to she break up with her boyfriend and change school districts. She is only seventeen, and her dad is died several years ago.

      I finally have decided that I may never know the reason why; I know that because of the death of my parents at a young age I am empathic and compassionate to others. I sincerely hope that I continue to make a difference in my niece’s life.
      I am 51 years old, and this event that happened so long ago still hurts today. There will always be a hole in my heart because I wasn’t like what seemed to be everyone else.

  4. thank you for sharing your experience. though i am not a mother and have not lost my mother yet, she was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago. unfortunately, she has been steadily declining and i have these exact fears. i am 29 and not married yet or have any children. the thought of my mom not being there for either of these events rips my heart out. all the things you described fits exactly how i am feeling. the fact that i feel like my adult friendship is just starting to get good and how people expect you to handle things better because you aren’t a child or a 60 year old care taker. people often forget about our age group and our losses. thank you for making me feel a little less alone and confused during this crazy time.

    sincerely, jessica

  5. I stumbled across your blog as I was searching for something, anything to sooth my grief. My Mom died April 12, 2007 of Lung Cancer. I’m 26 and an only child. So much of what you wrote I can relate with.

    Thank you.

  6. This really hit me. I lost my wonderful mother five years ago to lung cancer. I was twenty-five at the time. The pain is still with me, especially right now because of Mother’s Day being this Sunday. My mother was also my best friend. I feel like there was so much that I didn’t get to learn from her. Two years after her death I gave birth to her first grandaughter. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. I wish I could just be given ten more minutes to tell her how much I love her and what a great mom she was. I really appreciate your blog, I found it very comforting.

    Peace and Blessings
    Maria

    • Maria has said what my feelings have been searching for. To have a few minutes back in time to speak with my mother and tell her how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her being my mother. When she was ill I was just too devestated to think straight. I only saw her about half the time I should have because I wa not strong enough to watch her die. I was already trying to “let go” because it was destroying me inside. This is already five years ago but I am only now able to begin to deal with it. I am only now able to cry. I think I felt that to cry was to be ungrateful for having such a kind and loving mother. I loved my mother dearly and I hope that she will always have that knowledge in her soul wherever she is now.

      I wish all of you that are suffering a greater level of peace in your lives. Thank you for the chance to talk.

      Todd

  7. My “angel”, my mom passed away when my son was 6 months old, she had prayed, she told me, I would have a baby before she left me,when I lost her I also lost my friends as we moved the next month to a new community. My husband said you wouldn’t want her to be in pain… I had to be strong for my Dad, he lived 18 years longer, longing for her. Now I have conditions that leave me with chronic pain and fatigue,I have a high stress job,other issues and I miss my mommy so bad.Any suggestion!

  8. hi,
    i have been trying to think of way’s to some how deal with the loss of my mom my best friend ,she was 48 and had lung cancer somthing that i would never think would happen to her she was the rock in our family and now she is gone, it kills me !!i have one younger sister who’s 26 and i’m now 29 she was 50 when she passed and my sister and i were both there with her in the hospital till the very end i will never ever forget that moment my da and her were married for 28 years and now my dad and i fight all the time it rellly sucks there’s some day’s or weeks where we don’t talk cause he doesn’t understand my sadness and i guess i don’t get his i feel so alone i have a lot of girlfriends but it’s really hard to talk to them and also since my mom has passed i barley tak to the rest of her family there’s alot of issues with my dad and her side , i guess i should talk to a counceller or ?? but i can’t do it or maybe i can i don’t know is there any groups or people you know that i should talk to ?? please help i’m am too depreesed and all the time and need help !!

  9. I came across your website just a few minutes ago. I am 5 and a half months pregnate. I lost my mother to lung cancer 6 months ago. I can relate to everything you feel. Along with sadness and grief I carry with me everyday , I am also feeling alot of other emotions. I am often annoyed at the people around me (never my husband, who has been so supportive, or my father). I find they say careless things and forget that I am mourning while trying to get myself ready for motherhood without my mother. I always thought that my mom would be a part of my adulthod and children’s life, I wanted this so badly as she was a great mother to me and we were very close. My relationship with my mother as an adult was wonderful, and then we were hit so hard witht he news abouther cancer. I felt as though a lost a chunk of my heart.

    What really gets me is friends who were awkward and offered very little support when my mom died (and they knew my mom) are now back in the picture, they go on about the baby and how they want to be a big part of the baby’s life, how would like to be called aunt or uncle. They may briefly ask how my father is doing but are quick to go back to lighter conversation. I find this very awkward.
    I am not coping with this well at all.

    It looks as though the baby is going to be a girl, I will name her after my mom. She was a strong beautiful person inside and out. A role model that my child will learn about through spiritual connection and story. The baby’s name will be her own. From that she will become an individual with some of my mom’s traits. Her name will be a symbol of my mother, her gifts she gave the world and her soul continuing on.

  10. I sincerley want to thank you for your blog and sharing your experience.I am a 21 year old mother of two wonderful boys and luckly my mom was able to be there for both of their births. Unfortunatly she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 6 weeks after the birth of my second son and passed away January 30, 2007, only a week before his first birthday.I didn’t realize how many other people are going through such similar situations but am finding true comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Harder still is finding out that I am expecting my third child and picking up the phone to share my great news with my best friend only to put it down in tears. God bless all of you!

  11. I came across your blog and wanted to comment. I lost my mom to cancer December 7, 2007. She was my best friend. I have 3 boys, my oldest boy was her “baby” they did everything together, he has questions all the time, I can barely deal with her death myself I don’t know how to help him. To make things more stressful I got pregnant the week after she passed away, sadly exactly a month after she passed I lost the baby, I”m currently pregnant again and Due in early December. I find some comfort knowing that their are other women out there who are going thru this. I have truely never felt more alone then I do now.

  12. I just lost my mom last week to breast cancer. I am 24 and an only child. She was diagnosed 3 years ago and was doing well for a while but over the past 6 months her condition worsened. I didn’t really know how bad things were until a few weeks ago. She had a doctor’s appointment and was admitted to the hospital. Soon after, her treatment was stopped and she was moved to a hospice center. She only lived 6 more days. It all happened so fast.

    I still live at home so I feel her absence each day. My father was never one to talk about his emotions, and my friends are supportive but I don’t feel like they really understand. I feel so lost. I try to do things to distract myself but I am afraid I won’t always be able to do that. I can’t believe she won’t be at my wedding, and she won’t see my children. She was my best friend and the person I talked to about EVERYTHING. I’m also sad that I’m getting to the point where I’m more family-oriented again and not as concerned with the younger party scene. But now I don’t have a chance to spend my time with her.

    I have been looking for books today and I also noticed the lack of resources for our age group. Feel free to contact me. At least we know we are not alone.

    • I don’t know if you still look at this website, but I’ve experienced a very similar ordeal. My father died very quickly from esophageal cancer when I was 19 in 2003. The next year my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer that went into remission, and returned 2 1/2 years ago. She died this past October after becoming more sick in the late summer. We went in to get her chemotherapy a week in October, and we were told they could not safely administer treatment. They thought she had a month. She was gone in one week. She was just 48. It was something we never expected would happen just like that.

      I had been living at home, while going to grad school, and still trying to get my feet on the ground form the tumultuous years we had already endured. I am now left with my 15 year old sister to look after while I continue to try to make something of my life. I am lucky to have aunts and my boyfriend to help. We’ve actually just planned on getting engaged next winter. If it were only 4 months ago, I would have been able to share this, anything, with my mother. I wonder how I will plan my wedding, how I will pick out my dress, how I will gush about how amazing my future husband is when she is not here. I wonder how it will feel to have a baby that will never be held my her grandmother. It’s hard enough just thinking of her jokes and the funny ways about her without bursting into tears. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever known. I wonder if this will ever get easier. I fear this his the beginning of a lifetime of grieving.

      I’m sad, but also grateful that there are other daughters/sons that are out there, and know exactly what it mean, how it feels to lose your mother, yourself.

      • I found this blog because I just needed to read about others who have gone through what I’m going through. I can relate the most to both of your stories. I lost my mom to lung cancer about a month ago after a 2 1/2 year battle and my dad committed suicide when I was 8yrs old. I’m 28 now and have a 26yr old younger brother. We both live at home, now with our step-dad and the transition has been difficult. I don’t have the same relationship with my step-dad as my brother does which makes it difficult to for us to settle my mom’s estate, let alone get along in the house. I have been fortunate to have amazing extended family that have been supportive as well as a church family. But I still find it hard to express my sorrow because I feel like everyone expects me to be strong or doesn’t really understand what I’m going through.

        I have a very loving boyfriend who was there for me during my mom’s last week but he doesn’t seem to understand the pain that I’m feeling. I have the same thoughts that rush to my head about how she won’t be there when I get engaged, how she won’t see me in a wedding dress, how I can’t call her when I find out I’m pregnant, and all the other things mom’s are supposed to be there for. It was even more difficult to face these thoughts because I’ve had them when dealing with my dad being gone how he won’t get to walk me down the aisle or have the father-daughter dance and the only reassuring thing I told myself was that at least my mom would be present and just take his spot. That’s not the case for me anymore because they’re both gone. It took me a long time to accept my dad’s death especially during my teenage years and now I feel like it’s all coming back. It doesn’t make it easier when I blame my bf for my mom not being able to be a part of my wedding because he thought he had more time to propose. That’s another issue in itself that makes this situation more difficult for both of us.

        I’m hoping that you both will be able to give me some words of encouragement in how you were able to get through this rough time. It is difficult to turn to people in my life because most everyone around me are newly weds, engaged, just had a baby, or are expecting and the ones that have dealt with loss only lost one parent. I am trying so hard to not get bitter or get angry with God but I just need to hear it from those that have been through the same thing. I share the same fear…I also fear that “this is the beginning of a lifetime of grieving.”

  13. I lost my mother 4 years ago to lung cancer. I was 35 years old at that time. She was diagnosed and died within a 3 week time frame – prior to that she had not been feeling well, but I had no idea how serious it was. At the time, my son was 4 years old -Mom was there the day he was born and was always such an important part of my life. Like many of you have said, she was my best friend. I was the youngest of 3 children and the only girl. I depended so much on guidance from my mom and she always helped me through bench marks in my life —- getting married, having my son, etc.

    During her 3 weeks in the hospital, I was there every day. It was the hardest thing I have ever went through. The night she passed away, I was sleeping in the waiting room and one of the nurses from the Intensive Care Unit came to get me – I remember her words exactly – she said, “would you like to be with your mom as she passes?” I left my husband and son sleeping and went in alone. I kissed mom, held her hand and laid my head on hers and told her over and over how much I loved her, how much I was going to miss her. I didn’t want her to suffer, but I wasn’t ready to let go – I had only had 3 weeks to deal with the fact that I was going to lose my mother and there was so much more I wanted us to do together – there was so much more I needed to tell her. For 20 minutes, I laid there with her praying that she was not suffering. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am so happy I was there as she took her last breath, just her and I – the way it began 35 years earlier.

    Time doesn’t heal the heartache. I still have my dad and a wonderful husand and son, but there is an absence in my life – a whole in my heart.

    I have good days and bad. I find myself talking to her alot when I am alone. Comfort is hard to find, the sorrow I feel is sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes I feel that I have not coped well, that is the reason I feel so much pain. But I think it is a loss that I will always feel – I have lost someone that I love so deeply – my life will never be the same. No matter how much support and love I have from my family and friends, it does not replace the support and love I lost. A mother loves her child unconditionally. There is a special bond between a mother and her child.

    I have read many books, none that I would recommend, because I do not feel that any have really helped. I started gathering old photographs from my dad’s house – putting together a collection of photos from the time she was first married up to the Christmas before she died. The photos help alot – I can see how happy she was and that is comforting. My dad has given me alot of things from the house – cookie jars, nick nacks, etc. I have them displayed throughout my home and each time I look at them, I feel like a part of mom is with me. I still cry alot – a whole lot and I think that is therapy for me.

    My heart goes out to anyone who has lost their mom – I understand your heartache.

    • My mom just passed away 4 days ago from lung cancer, from the day we were told she lived a month and a half. Your story is touched me and is almost like mine. I feel so lost

      • Hey Kelly. I lost my mom on April 16, also from lung cancer. We knew for about 9 weeks. Just wanted to let you know there is someone out here who gets it. I am lost like you. Send a reply if you want to talk…

      • I lost my beloved dad 5 months ago from lung cancer. He was gone within 2 1/2 weeks of diagnosis. it was such a dreadful shock and the speed of this awful disease it feels like a train wreck, we did not get to prepare for his passing as they were still doing tests etc. and discussing treatment options. He only spent 2 nights in hospital. I am glad I have found this blog and realise I am not alone and it’s normal to feel this immense and dreadful grief. There is a huge hole in my heart I guess will never be filled.

  14. Pingback: Re: Being a Motherless Daughter who lost her Mom during Early Adulthood « Dig Your Toes In

    • I came across your article while searching for some type of reassurance myself. I’m twenty-two years old and my mom had an unexpected massive heart attack three weeks ago and died on the way to the hospital. I’m leaning on my faith and know where she is, but it’s so hard to know that when I do have children that she will never hold them or show them what a great nana she’s been to my older siblings’ children. You are not alone in your feelings and I have the greatest empathy for you that I could possibly have. If you have any suggestions to me, please reply.
      My thoughts are with you,
      Kim

  15. To all of you who have lost your Mom’s and shared your stories and your pain with me, THANK YOU. I hope you’ll keep reading and commenting here, and that you’ll know that you aren’t alone in your grief.

    • I lost my mother 2 months ago, the pain is still very raw. I replay memories of her in my head constantly. Your story is very similar to mine, I too am 23 going on 24 and I just had a baby 2 years ago…
      Most hopes and dreams we had for our future lives with our mothers feels like a robbery. Hard for another person to understand who hasn’t gone through what we are experiencing. I am very grateful to have come across this blog and read others emotional journeys. I don’t have anyone to talk to but knowing these comments were made by others who have/ are experiencing loss has truly helped me in some way. THANK YOU
      God Bless you all

  16. Hello Everyone, I just lost my mother 2 weeks ago. I am 6 months pregnant and am not coping well with her being gone. We all knew she was ill but are you ever really peprared?? Sometimes I feel so sad I want to jump out of my skin, I wonder where to go from here, I find that most people a re gone now the services are over and life goes on for everyone except the ones who are hurting so bad. People are always commenting oh she was sick or she is in a better place, I am sorry but those words are no comfort to me. Somedays it is so hard I miss her so so much and I wonder when does it get better?

  17. Thanks for the great stories. My Mom who was my best friend was diagnosed with cancer when my second daughter was 4 weeks old. She died Christmas Day/2006 when my daughter was 2 months old. It has been very difficult. My mom was very close to my oldest daughter who was almost 3 when she died. She has been having a difficult time as well. I don’t think people realize how hard it is to lose your mother at this stage in your life. It is nice to know I am not alone and my feelings are normal.

  18. I am 28 and just buried my mother today. I too do not have any children, but I am married. It hurts me that she will not see her grandchildren. I also feel as though I still need her. I know it sounds strange, but I do. Please if anyone would like to encourage each other, please send an email erica_davis@comcast.net This is a very lonely feeling in a world without my mom.

  19. I’d just like to say that I share each and everyone of your feelings. I lost my mom to cancer when I too was 28 years old. My mother battled cancer for 4 long years. She always wanted grandchildren and missed it by 4 months. I lost my mom in April of 2003 and gave birth to my daughter in August. I sometimes feel so cheated. I know that sounds so selfish but I do. I know my mom would have been a wonderful grandmother. My father remarried and that was really TOUGH for me. I know you’re thinking….Boo Hoo! Well she’s a nice lady but I know it’s weird but I still sometimes think… Who is this woman and why is she living in my mom’s house? There is not a day that goes by that I don’t sense my mom’s spirit and my daughter looks a lot like my mother so on the upside it’s like having a little bit of mom to hold onto. I wish you all the best and I’ll pray for all of us to find strength to cope.

  20. My two beautiful teenagers are about to lose their dad from pancreas cancer. He and I seperated some 5 years ago, and have more so past 3 years increase arguments over his lack of being involved with the kids etc.,but fortunately we have had some caring and friendship meaningful conversations of late on the phone. He lives in another State, and I have been trying so hard to gauge his health, as his girlfriend has alienated myself and more so my children by her lies and manipulation. I can see and respect her love for him, but it has sadly clouded her thinking under all the stress she is having, and she had refused to keep my children up to date about their dad. All I want is for my children to have some time with their dad, they love him so much,as he does to them also, and I feel guilty that over the past few weeks I have not stood up to her and just put my kids on a plane to be with their dad.Well, yesterday, Fathers Day,(Aust) I did put them on a plane, with the blessings of my ex’s family, and a adorable Untie awaiting their arrival, they now have hopefully 2 weeks with their dad before he passes, I just wish I could have been stronger and given them more time with their dad. They say Death raises many emotions, but for those Dying I just hope he will be protected from the truth that his girlfriend though loves him, created a lot of anxious moments for my children, her possessive approach has impacted on many, mainly my children., but I also trust and know in their dad that the love in his heart will reach out to his children before he passes.

  21. I also lost my mother while pregnant. Not with my first, however, with my 3rd son. This unplanned total shocker of a pregnancy (yes, they happen even in your thirties) came on the heels of my maternal grandmothers death. So of course, this baby was going to help my mom get “through” her own mother’s death, or so I niavely thought. This third unplanned little man was to be my anchor as I mourned my own mother’s untimely death during my seventh month of pregnancy. Up until this time I was stilling crying over losing my grandmother who was well, just perfect to all her grandchildren and really my first “close lose”. I had truly been lucky up until Jan of 2003. Never knowing that within 18 months I would bury my own mother, deliver my third child and well hold on….. 2 weeks from the day of his birth….my husband’s mother died. HELLO! Who did we piss off???
    And all the while we had this little blessing from the Lord so how long could I stay pissed off.
    The words “the Lord gives and the Lord takes away” has a meaning to me deeper than any other bible verse, prayer, novena, etc etc etc…..
    Now is has been 3 years and I am able to write and talk about my mom without crying. I really smile a lot because yes, that is how she would want it. I had the best. And do not misunderstand me that I cannot believe I am raising three boys without her to consult, whine to, ask advice, just help me out when I am at my wit’s end. (I actually do hope she is laughing at these times as I was not the dream of a daughter, you know, the 80’s).
    I could write and write but I heard someone peeing upstairs and gotta go. Blessings and love to all motherless daughters who carry heavy hearts and have crossed the road to the other side. Thanks to all who have been there to help me over. My email is MI3SONZ06@aol.com….. Have a great day…..

  22. In response to Kelly from the September 3rd comment, I know exactly how you feel about wondering Who’d we piss off??? I feel the same way. I responded before but failed to mention I had lost my grandmother 4 months before my mom. Even though my mother’s outcome probably wouldn’t have been different it was so sad that she too had to indure her own mother’s death while she was facing her own death. She made the comment after her mother that she never really had the time to grieve her own mother’s loss because she was fighting for her own life and she was so sick with the cancer. My mother’s cancer started in her cervix….yeah the one you hear so much about now…you know the vaccine is now out for HPV. I have a lot of bad emotions for my father because this was probably caused from him due to the fact that most cervix cancer starts out from a sexually transmitted disease (HPV). My father strayed on my mother for years and I have such a hard time forgiving him for the past now even though I know he is truly sorry. My mom forgave him so why can’t I?? I don’t know because maybe if he’d been faithful to my mother she’d still be alive…I know you’re suppose to forgive and forget but it’s soooo hard. After mom died one of my aunt’s tried to nurture me and we became very close. As luck would have it she died 2 years almost to the day of my mom. That was another set back. My mother in law was diagnosed with Neuropathy on top of a laundry list of problems so I’m afraid I’ll lose her too. It’s almost as if it’s a curse. Why is it not meant for me to have any guidance from another woman figure? I don’t know….it’s just been one death after another. I also lost my grandfather on June 28 of this year and my uncle (my moms brother) to cancer on July 11 of this year as well. I guess you’d say I should be use to it by now but I lie awake wondering what all this means. I’ve watched so many in such a short time and it’s so hard to stay strong for my own children when I want to lose it. I do know however that I’m a good mom and that children realize more then they let on. My kids and husband have truly pulled me through. I don’t know what I’d do with out them. I’ve lost so many people that I feel so vulnerable at times. I worry about my kids and husband. I cannot bear the thoughts of losing one of them. I dream a lot about losing my kids, I don’t know why. I guess it’s just a sign of insecurity but how am I suppose to feel? God bless each of you and let’s continue to try to uplift eachother. It helps to know that there are others induring the same things. One day will know the answers I suppose. Keep strong and keep writing.

  23. I’m 25 and just lost my Dad (who was 50) on September 12. He had a horrible accident on September 1st and was recovering in the hospital burn unit (supposed to be out in 3-4 weeks). My wedding was set for September 8 and we decided to postpone until later fall so that he could celebrate with us. Being his only daughter (I have 2 younger brothers, one in college, one in high school) he was soooo excited and happy to host our party and walk me down the aisle. On the night of September 12, his pulse suddenly went flat and they couldn’t get it started again. He passed away that night unexpectedly. My dad was truly my best friend… I have a great family (Mom and two brothers), but my dad was always the one I was closest to. He was always the one I went to first for advice, to share exciting news, or to “just chat”. I can’t imagine what it will be like to go through milestones in life without him there. My fiance and I are still trying to decide on a new date for our wedding. The sadness I feel about not being able to share our special day with him is overwhelming. Because of the timing of his passing, I also have bittersweet feeling about our wedding. There will always be a bittersweet twinge when I think about receiving all the sympathy cards at the same time as “congratulations”. It breaks my heart to imagine my children someday not having or knowing my dad in their lives. He would be a tremendous grandpa. It means a lot to know I can share in some of your feelings. I hope we can all continue to make each other stronger… to share… to grow… Thanks to all of you for sharing.

  24. I relate with so many of your situations and feelings and truly hurt for everyone here. Kara–I’m so sorry for your loss, at such an incredibly pivotal time for you.

    Marsha and Kelly–My Mom’s Mom died five months before Mom did… I very much relate to grief upon grief as the year that my Mom died we lost 5 people–close friends or close family members all. It was emotionally brutal.

    I pray for healing for all of us, but also know we will always grieve. We will always feel the hole.

    Thank you all so much for sharing your stories–I hope folks will continue to do so. How comforting for all of us to know that we aren’t alone.

  25. well written.

    i went through her not being there at my wedding….right now the biggest problem is going into motherhood with absolutely no idea what i’m doing. :(

  26. My mom died just over a month ago. I’m 24 and Have yet to start my own family, but having kids has been a life long dream of mine. The thought of no being able to call my mom when I am blessed with a baby brings tears every time. The idea of not be able to call her at 3am when my first child wakes up crying and I have no more ideas of how to calm him or her hurts so much. I truly appreciate you sharing your emotions out in the open like this. It is comforting to know my feelings are crazy and are valid. It is so good to know I’m not alone in my sadest moments. Thank you!

  27. Losing a loved one at any age is, and naturally should be difficult. I hate hearing “he lived a long life” or “she lived a full life”. I have dealt with death quite a bit. I am 27 years old, between the ages of 19 and 23 I went to 8 funerals, one my brother’s best friend – accidental suicide while masturbating, and then shortly after my brother committed suicide. Last year my dad was killed in a motorcycle accident. He had just retired, and enrolled in school full time to become a nurse after 26 years of being a cop. He spent 14 days of hell in intensive care. Over a year later my sister and I are dealing with an ugly probate process due to a hideously selfish second wife, and no will.

    Within two weeks of dad’s funeral I was interviewing for jobs, I was unemployed when he passed. That was tough! Especially when I had 3 interviews at one place and got rejected. Now however, I have decided to start my own business selling long term care insurance.

    From the emotional aspect, I agree with the author on a lot. You never know what to feel, or how to feel it. Sometimes you take offense to things that shouldn’t really offend you. You aren’t yourself again for quite some time after losing someone, and I feel it is longer for those who go tragically, or too young.

    My dad and I became great friends after my brother died. We made such a new awesome connection, and we knew we needed each other to get through that hard time. I definitely have my moments of feeling completely lost, but then try to think how my dad would handle things and I regain composure.

    For me personally, the worst thing other people can do is feel sorry for me. I hate that. I know everyone deals and copes differently, but what is the same, is the fact that everyone goes through tragedy and bad times just alike. I try to keep that in perspective when I think about my life so far. Things could be far worse.

    One question I have always wanted to ask, is what does one say when people ask questions about how many siblings you have – if you have lost a sibling, or what does your dad do – when you have already lost him? I prefer to be truthful, but sometimes I don’t mention that I had a brother because I really don’t want to hear, “Oh I’m sorry!” or some other similar meaningless line. I don’t feel like it is something that I am uncomfortable talking about, but in many situations I prefer not to bring everyone down so to speak.

    Any thoughts?

    • I am so sorry for your loss; that is a lot of pain in a short period of time..

      It is amazing how difficult it is to not know what to do or say when someone pitys us. Usually, the emotions we feel come from our subconcious, and they range from wanting to lash our against those well meaning folks verbally, or to crawl in a hole.

      On the other, hand, it is difficult from their point of view also. The best of intentions often create conflict. I lost my mother and father five months apart in 1988. I was 26 years old. It was so hard, and I do remember old friend that had great intentions making me so angry. One lady cried saying how bad she missed my mother too. I thought about her being over fifty years old and still having her mother. I thought you don’t even know mam lady what this is like for me. My children will never know their maternal grandparents. My emotions were normal, but they were extremely high. I really needed just to be left alone; unless, I pursued the matter.

      Well meaning folks can hurt us, but I had to realize they had the best of intentions. As the years progressed, I would have liked someone to have tried to understand the lasting effects of losing a parent during early adulthood. Watching everyone else or so it seemed go to mom’s house on Sundays for lunch etc just never stopped hurting. I wish you so much comfort, and I hope your business does well.

  28. Mike – I have a thought. I have not experienced the loss of a sibling and can only relay to you my thoughts as a mother, sister and grieving daughter. You have obviously taken quite a few hits, especially for someone your age. (pls forgive me for saying that) Since my mom died my brother and sister,and my dad, mean more to me than ever. It is most unfortunate that you must deal with people who make you feel uncomfortable talking about someone that meant so much to you. The heartache you feel over the loss of your brother is something that only you carry and while we cannot blame others for not knowing this pain, I still think it is fair to say that anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable about sharing such an important and pivotal part of your life is simply not worth your time and quite honestly does not deserve it. These so called lucky people do not know the pain of loss and therefore cannot appreciate the strength it takes to keep going in the face of such tragedy. Mike, I do not believe you need to find the right answer. If you are in the company of a person or people who you feel will give you some degree of clarity, then share it. If not, let it go and never feel the need to explain yourself. By now, you know your capabilities.

    Yes, I agree that this topic can bring some people down, however, as everyone who has commented on this blog will attest to, your ability to keep going in the face of such difficulties is definitely lifting a greater number up.

  29. Thank you for your words of comfort. I am 29 and have just lost my Mom to cancer 4 months ago. I was able to speed up my wedding and have her there but still the loss and grief I feel is staggering. I lost my father when I was 21 and my sister when I was 23. I feel so much like an orphan now even though I stil have family. I have mixed emotions about starting my own family. I am excited to start my own family but also heartbroken that I won’t have her here with me for such an amazing time in my life. Such guilt comes along with the excitment of “moving on” with life. It is so nice to know that somenone out there knows what I am feeling and I am not alone. You are right that people in our situation are often not thought about and I don’t know of many that truly understand. Your words and those who have responded have given me comfort and relief that I know there are people that have been through the same. Thanks again.

  30. hi, i have lost a grampy,
    and these last two mounths have been so hard he has just recontonly past …andi miss hem so much
    he was like a dady to me he raised me sence i was a lil gal.

  31. i have read your article and its nice to hear someone else suffering the same.I lost my dad when i was 25 and my “late twenties” were just messed up. I was resentful all my friends were carefree. The things that spring to mind are my dad was not at my wedding, he never saw me settle down, its just a big hole in my heart that is still not healed but time has helped. I am now pregnant and sad my baby will never meet his grandad.I would give anything to have just one last hug from my beloved dad.

    • Just wanted to let you know that I understand exactly the feeling of being “resentful.” I lost my mother at the age of 21- the age where all my friends were at the most carefree in their lives; experiencing real freedom for the first time and starting to actually discover who they really were as people and what they wanted- all of whom still had their parents, and then there was me, left behind having to grieve the unimaginable pain of loosing my mother. No one understood. Because I’m an “adult” I should be able to find a way to get over it and go back to becoming the girl I was before with the snap of a finger. It’s strange, most times I do find myself wishing I was still that carefree, happy, naive girl having fun with everyone else; but then again I can now say that I am greatful for being able to see the “bigger picture,” greatful for being more appreciative of what really matters and what Ido have- unlike the old me that not so long ago would have found it easier to overlook and take these precious things in life for granted- along with the rest of my friends who still have no idea. I too, would give up anything and everything to have one last moment with my mother.

  32. Hi, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 9 years ago. I was in 8th grade at the time. I remember feeling anger towards her for having this disease and I stayed in my room throughout all her treatments. I wanted to pretend like nothing was happening because the idea of losing my mother was very scary. After the doctors declared my mom cancer free, I thought it was over for good and she had beat it….My mom and I started to participate in breast cancer walks and other various breast cancer events. When my mom hit her 5 year mark, I was proud and very relieved at the same time….5 years meant that she would most likely never get cancer again…I was wrong….I’m now 22yrs old and my mother’s cancer is back…..the docs found 2 tumors so far in her neck (on her lymph nodes), they found spots on her lungs, and cancer cells in her stomach….I feel so much anger right now…at the docs for not catching this earlier and at my mom for not having the strength to fight it this time…The docs say she could have 6months, 1yr, or 2yrs left depending on how she responds to treatment and depending the results of her PET Scan…

    After reading everyone’s comments I feel like there really are other people who feel how I feel….I’m angry that my mom might not see me get married or see my first child….there’s soo much I was looking forward to doing with my mom as I moved towards the roles of becoming a mother and a wife and now I feel like I’m being cheated…

    My mom is a wonderful caring woman and I wish that this was happening to me and not her…I can only hope that she will fight long enough to let me experience more things with her…one thing i have learned from all this is life isn’t fair….you truly need to appreciate your parents while their here and learn from them because one day they won’t be here..

    My bf and I were contemplating having a baby so my mom can hopefully live long enough to experience being a grandparent….part of me wants to give her this joy, but the other part is afraid of how I will feel after she passes….Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? I feel so alone now, like no one, not even my family understands what I’m going through….she’s not just my mom, she’s my BEST Friend! :(

  33. Brittany,

    I totally understand you wanting your mother to experience grandchildren. There was nothing I wanted more than for my mother to do the same. My mother didn’t make it although she tried.

    I felt somewhat guilty, as my mother passed because I was pregnant. I know that sounds weird but I felt as though it kept her from letting go (so to speak). She really suffered and it was more sad and hard for her to go knowing she was leaving me behind (pregnant).

    I know that this is a hard time for you however you should consider what life after a child gets here will be like without your mom. It’s not easy at all. With me it was bitter-sweet. I felt blessed and very depressed all at the same time.

    Having my daughter was the best day of my life but my whole entire pregnancy was so hard due to my mom being so sick and dying. If it brings you any comfort just know that your mom will be proud of you no matter what the outcome of your current situation. If your mom should pass, I believe with all my heart that your mother will see your children from afar no matter when you have them. You’re mom would want you to be happy most of all.

    God bless you and your mother. My heart aches at your pain. I know exactly how you feel and will say a special prayer for you tonight as I turn in.

  34. Brittany – I am sitting here in tears reading your post. My mom suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm on January 18, 2008 (just over a month ago). Miraculously she made it and is here with us, neurologically in tact today. Though the 2 weeks she was in the ICU was the most dreadful time of my life thus far. I am 28 and thought I was going to lose my mother. From the moment I got to the hospital and was told her life was at risk and there was bleeding around her brain, I saw my life, and my life with my mom flash before my eyes. It continued to flash for the weeks to come. All I could think and kept thinking was “Mom, I need you. How am I going to have kids without you”? Oh I just cried and cried every single night. I kept it strong with her all day and let it out at night. Now I am sitting here crying and have been fighting it all night. But I am not exactly sure why. I know I am still deathly frightened I still may lose her to a complication with this aneurysm, but maybe it’s partly because I nearly lost her and now I am in utter fear of the day I do lose her. If these days are so hard on me how can I ever bear losing her? The thought just kills me. Now I feel I want to get pregnant now because how in the world can I carry my one-day children without her? It sickens me to think if I had kids after she was gone.

    My thoughts are with you…I am so sorry you had to go through that. Reading all these posts just scares me to death that I will have to one day venture on without her. The past three weeks has brought a relationship with her that I never knew and she is my bestest friend in the whole world. It’s weird it took this to bring us so close but I just love her so insanely much.

  35. My dad recently (2 months ago)passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack at 46. I am 24. He died five days after I had my son (his first grandchild). I cannot even being to explain how hard the last two months have been. I was not truly able to grieve because I had a newborn to take care of. I think about my dad everyday and cannot help but think of all that he is going to miss out on. He was so excited about having a grandson. It kills me that my son will never know his grandpa. I cried as I read the article above and I am crying now as I write this. It does; however, help reading other people’s stories who have been through a loss this great. My dad was my hero and I miss him terribly. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without him. Right now, I have to focus on trying to be a parent having recently lost mine.

  36. I lost my father in 2006 to lung cancer…he was 79 and I was 52….since my parents were divorced with I was 9, he was my father and mother figure since my mother moved away from her responsibilities. He and I were close in interests, cooking, travel, real estate and strong personalities….I feel lost without him….no one to talk to …..and share anything with…..

  37. Hi Im 22yrs of age, I have kidney failure due to a rare form of vasculitis, Im currently recieving treatment (Dialysis) And i face loosing my mum, She has jus been diagnosed with terminal cancer and her days now are very limited, Im very angry with the way my mum has been treated by doctors, I know when people are facing loosing someone they love they want to blame someone, But they truly did neglect her, She was diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2006 they operated, Removed her bladder, She then had a scan and it showed it was clear, After the surgery, This is the only scan she had for 15mths and it had comeback, its only when my mum was complaining of pain they did a scan, It was the size of an 50 pence piece, My mum then needed a stoma bad fitted and with a stage 3 cancer you would think they would operate as soon as possible, This however wasnt the case the prosponed her operation for 6wks. She became very weak and after having her surgery they was unable to give her ceamo, With cancer time is everything, I truley believe that its their fault that things are so bad,

    As i said im sick and when your ill yourself all u want is your mum, As far as im concerned they hav killed me to, I have a Chronic illness and i dnt think cos of my mum who i love dearly i will never be able to trust a doctor again, So where my future lies i have no idea.

    As far as Grand children goes i feel the exact same as every1 who had the time to comment, When we heard the bad news, The first thing she had said was ” Im not even a grandmother yet” That broke my heart, That they also took that away from my mother, I cant have kids yet not untill i hav my transplant, Who know when will dat be. thanx for reading my heart braking story and if you have any advice regarding thins situation pls pls help as i am truely scared

  38. Hi Iam a 31 years old and 5½ months pregnant. I lost my dad last July, he had a massive heart attack and my mum found him when she came home from work. The shock was unbelievable and it took about 3 days to show any emotion. I was very close to my dad and I know that he would have been an excellant Papa, he already had a grandaughter who he was exceptionally close to and althought she was only 3, she still asks for him everyday. I feel very cheated that he was taken from us so young and that my child will grow up not knowing who he was. Worse than anything is the pain I see my mum going through and although I am there for her and would do anything to help, I know that there is nothing that can make her feel better. I hate when I have visited and I have to leave her on her own, the tears blind me. I know that I am not alone and as this web page proves we are all going through the same pain, it is just very hard. Thank you for letting me pour this out as although my friends and partner have been a great support, I dont think they really understand.

  39. i, too a so glad i cae across this blog. i am 29, 7 months pregnant with my first daughter, and lost my mom to a rare form of cancer in 05 st the age of 49. my mother was my best friend, an amazing mom, and a wonderful human being. losing her was the most traumatic event of my life. i knew, even before she died, the hardest thing i would face in the future would be having children without her here…without her support and advice, w/o them knowing her, w/o them knowing how AMAZING a grandmother they had…the sadness i feel from this loss taints the happiness of my pregnancy, although having a girl has helped tremendously (it almost feels like i have been given that chance to have that strong mother/daughter relationship again, just reversed roles). anyways, i wanted to let you know how much i related to this story, and how much others in our shoes need this validation of loss. thanks for being here…it’s the crappiest club in the world to belong to…

    if anyone wants to talk about this, email me at audv@yahoo.com

  40. I am so honored by everyone sharing your stories. I am so sorry that we’ve all experienced a loss like this.

    I’m sorry that I haven’t responded individually to each one of you. Know that I read each post and really do care.

    adriana–I know how that sense of loss can taint the pregnancy and early days of babies life, but you are right… There is something amazing about having a daughter. I wish my girls had their Gramma Caro here, but I learn a lot about her simply from my own journey now. I hope you have some folks around to whom you can ask questions–Not just about practical stuff, but about what your Mom experienced as a mother. It’s hard to ask those questions, but it can give you such insight and comfort to have another piece of the puzzle about your Mom.

    Lynne, I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad at such a crucial time for you. I will be praying for you as you grieve and process it all.

    Emma–the double whammy of having your Mom sick while you are sick yourself must just be so difficult. Please be gentle with yourself.

    Many prayers for each and every one of you.

    Val

  41. My mom died when I was 28 from breast cancer. I now have a daughter myself, who she never knew. I’m an only child, so my family, as I knew it no longer exists.

    My father started dating immediately and is now getting married to some other woman he met on the internet. He doesn’t want anything to do with me or my husband and daughter. He wants to leave his old life-sold his house moved to another state and left the Catholic Church. I mean everything that reminds him of her he has cut out and I’m pissed at him!

    However, I finally realized I love my mom more than I miss her. A constant goal is to live past 54-the age she was when she died.

    I’m sorry there are so many of us out there. Anyone have the same experiences with their fathers?

    • Brooke – I am in a similar situation. I am an only child and my mom died recently. My father is around, but I can’t really rely on him, as he has addiction issues. He was not around for most of my life, and my mom raised me alone. So basically my family is gone too. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a year, but have had two miscarriages, the last one when she was sick. So I am also facing having my children (if I have any) not know their grandmother. How are you getting through it?

  42. i lost my dad in june of 2007 — he had been sick for 13 years so on some level it was expected. then my mom died 75 days later unexpectedly. i have been in a sea of grief, trying to move on and be there for my two siblings. i am 31 years old now and i feel at times like a child, not sure which way to turn or how to deal with all of this. i do know that God is good and He is there amidst all of it.

  43. I am sat here at 02.47am weeping uncontrollably because I have just lost my Mum very suddenly and needed to somehow have contact with someone who knows how it feels.I’m 33,an only child and its been nearly two weeks now since she collapsed and died unexpectedly at home.We’ve had the funeral today and whilst I’ve held it together surprisingly well over the last two weeks tonight I’ve finally cracked.I’m not a new mother like you, my boys are 15 and 10 but I still can’t even begin to describe the enormity of the loss.I have been a lone parent for the last 8 years and my Mum (and Dad) have been my rocks.The support she gave me was fantastic,we were so close and I feel totally bereft.When I got pregnant at 17 she supported me even though she had breast cancer.When I went into labour with my eldest son she had had chemotherapy that day but she still sat with me throughout the night and probably because of that we were closer than most.She was far from perfect, she had severe agoraphobia which is why she wouldn’t let us call an ambulance when she was feeling ill.It is horrible knowing that it could have been avoided if she had just given in and seen a doctor but she wouldn’t.I stupidly always thought that my parents would be around for a long time yet.She was such a strong influence in my life that I am lost.I consulted her about practically every decision I made no matter how small.It really makes you realise how silly it is to worry about small things.I think we all have a preconception that we need to be ecstatically happy all of the time but once something like this happens it makes you realise just how happy you were…I would give anything to go back to my previous life now.

    I am so sorry for your loss.Your message completely hit home and I empathise more than you know.When you have your first child although wonderful it is quite a scary time.Its really comforting to have your Mum close by to help out and just to share the happy times with.I am truly grateful that my Mum was with me throughout the birth of both of my children(she was far more helpful than the ex hubby!) and she was a wonderful grandmother.I am also glad that we had no unfinished business.We had made our peace a few years ago and been extremely close since and that is some kind of comfort.

    I can totally understand what you are saying….people who haven’t experienced this type of loss may presume that we can handle it because we are adults but it couldn’t be further from the truth.When we grow into adults we forge a new,different kind of relationship with our parents..a wonderful one and it is no less a shock when they die.My Mum was the Boss/carer/fantastic cook and wow, the emptyness I feel is huge.Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk because it really does seem to help talking to others who know how you are feeling.Take care,

    Claire xx

  44. I was just reading your post and I can’t relate with the mother thing, since I have no children. But i lost my mom October of 07 and i was 24. Obviously loosing a parents relative or anyone is a hard thing to go through, but I totally understand what your saying about the age. Growing up I never got along with my mom we always fought. I never would have dreamed that I would be close to my mom. When I turned 20 I started to actually have a normal relationship with my mother where I talked to almost daily. As time went one my mother became my best friend. I actually can’t believe i’m saying that. I deffinately miss her a lot and find it difficult when i’m thinking about my future and not having her around. I can relate to what your saying.

  45. I’m 26 years old and lost my mom just 3wks ago. My mom raised 7 daughters by herself and we have all been close. my mom was diagnosed with cancer in Nov 2007 and died May 25th 2008. I never thought I would lose her at my age. I always thought she would be there on my wedding day or when I have my first child. Another thing I realize is that most people our age really don’t understand, if my boyfriend and I break up I can’t call my mom to talk to her about it, or call her to go shopping, or if I lose my job I can’t go “home” we are on our own now and that scares me. I too have tried to find books that relate to me and it is nearly impossible. they are for children or middle aged people that have lost parents.

  46. I came across your blog just surfing online, and I am so grateful. I lost my mom last Fall, when my son was just 5 months old. She lived halfway across the world, and visited me when my son was just 4 weeks old. She and my dad spent 2 wonderful months with us. Then she returned home to be with her younger sister who was terminally ill. My aunt passed away just few weeks after my mother returned home. And then a week after that, my mother went into a coma from a brain aneurysm and passed away 3 days later. I am the only child, so my dad is now alone at home.

    This year has been awfully difficult for me, and emotionally exhausting and confusing as I am not able to face and cope with my grief. My mom and I had a very close, and sometimes tempestuous relationship – just like close friends do – we fought often, but we laughed together even more often. She was my rock, my sounding board, my comfort and conscience. Even though we lived across the world from each other, we had email, phone, video chat and periodic visits. Now the silence is deafening, and the desolation can really get to me when i allow myself a quiet moment. As we approach my mom’s first anniversary, i am seriously considering counseling, esp. when my dad is here for a visit this Fall, and perhaps we can go to a grief counselor together. My dad has been my rock in this time, coping with his own grief and being so understanding and loving of me and my new family.

  47. My 38 yr co-worker (single mom to a 6 yr old daughter) lost her mom to cancer after a 17 month battle. I find it very difficult to find words or deeds to help to comfort my co-worker. Yes, I take e trays of food and bottles of water to her home. I want to do more – I want to talk w/her about her feelings, her lost, her tomorrows w/o her mom. However, I too cannot find anything to help w/this very ddifficult positon that Im in. Any and all help will be greatly appreaciated.

  48. Oh my god. I just recently got internet savvy, and feel blessed to have found your blog. My mom passed away on 1/7/08 from lung cancer, and so many times you feel alone, like noone could understand exactly what you are feeling. But you all do. I have two young children and they were her world. My mom was my best friend. I remember the day before she died she told me to buck up and deal with it. That I would have a lot to do now for the family and so forth. I said I was not ready to lose my best friend. She looked at me and said you will find a new best friend. Man were those hard words to hear. I do not want a new best friend, I want my mom. Life will go on and I will survive, but there are days that it sure does not seem like it. I was just sitting here starting to write a story about my mom and her battle and needed a break and thought I would look up losing a mom on the internet and I found this. Thankyou

  49. Thank you for your blog. I am 22 and just found out that my dad has lung cancer. The hardest part is not knowing how severe it is. He is very secretive and does not want to talk about it. Unfortunately, we do not have an extremely close relationship, and I fear that this is going to make my grieving process when I eventually lose him that much harder. I am going to visit him this next week, and want to make it a memorable week, just in case it is the last time I see him. Does anyone have any ideas, something they wished they had done or said to their loved one? As I said before, we are not that close, I love him dearly, but he is just a distant man, so I worry this might be a very awkward week. I will need all the strength I have to get through it. Please keep me in your prayers.

  50. Hi Heather,

    I lost my Mom September 28, 07 to lung cancer. She was diagnosed in July and didn’t make it very long. There are so many things I wish I would have said, or not said during that time, or really my whole life. But, your Dad knows how much you love him and while it may be an awkward week, sometimes sitting in silence can be a good thing if that is what he would like. You could maybe write a letter for him to read after you leave, telling him how much you love him. My Mom, Dad and sister were all the best of friends and life is still so hard without her. We all struggle daily. I am blessed that a local grief support group for spouses (my Dad joined in February) offered a group for our age (I’m 30). There are 3 of us and it has been so helpful. Although your Dad is still with you, you are already grieving your potential loss. We did that from day one of the diagnosis also. You may want to check to see if a local group is available to you, it is wonderful for resources and support. Feel free to email me if you’d like, leahmassengale@yahoo.com. Thank you all for writing, I am very happy that I found this blog tonight. My prayers are with you!

  51. Val, I’m so amazed at how your writing reached out and touched so many people with problems similar to yours. Having just lost our Mom/Grandma, we both are again going to be making adjustments. Even though death is part of living and vice-versa, and even though Mom was certainly ready to die, I for one will feel very empty when Sunday night comes and she will not be at the other end of the line.

    However, what I wanted to write you about is in response to the losing of your Mom at a time when you were just getting ready to know her as a young adult and mother. My experience is not the same, but we did walk somewhat similar paths. Your grandfather, my Dad, died when my Inga was just about two (I think). It was devastating to me, partly because my relationship with Dad had been strained because we’d moved to a town four hours from him and Dad somehow made it clear that by moving away he thought I’d turned my back on the family. My husband made it worse because he was not close to Dad and he thought that the thing to do was not to come back until the last possible minute to be part of the family rituals. I went to the funeral home by myself for visitation, and Grandma was a rock for me…saying, “If your husband is not comfortable with funerals, we will be here for you and you should not worry!” But…over the years, when our son was born, there was a hole in my joy because I knew Dad would never enjoy him or see him or be a part of his life.

    Losing parents as young adults is everything that you said in your blog. Your insights are sound. The pain of loss doesn’t go away naturally. About two weeks after Dad died, though, I was driving home and I decided to talk to Dad and tell him about my hurts, about my frustration about his interpretation of his relationship, and about how angry I felt at losing him so soon and about how we never worked things through. I cried and I hollered and I explained and explained that I had not turned my back on the family by following my career path. Amazingly….that experience put me back in touch with Dad and calmed me in a way that nothing else ever has.

    I am sorry this is long.

  52. Hello!
    I absolutely loved this blog. My situation is slightly different from yours, however, I feel the same feelings that you have expressed. I am currently 30 years old and I lost my father on March 5th of 2008. I am not married nor do I have any children. From the day we heard he had cancer (Sept. 2007), all that I could think about is he will never meet my children. My children will never experience the love he had to share. As I search for how to work through my grief all I find is loosing a loved one, in the sense of a child or spouse. It is hard to loose a parent so young. I grew up with two sets of grandparents and always believed that is how it is suppose to be. It is extremely hard to change that mindset.

    Heather, there are so many things I wanted to say to him before he died. However, when I was around him all I wanted it to be is a “nice” visit. I regret not saying exactly what needed to be said. Not knowing how saying everything would have worked out, I can not advise letting everything out; however, I do believe if there is something that you have wanted to tell him for some time, now is the time. We don’t get second chance. I unfortunately could not accept the fact that he was dying. He just had cancer, people survive cancer these days, right? So now I am left with these thoughts that I can’t release…just a thought!

    Wishing you all well…thank you for the blog and comments!
    Shelly

  53. This is Leah, I blogged a few weeks ago. I just had what could be the saddest experience since my Mom died happen to me. I am 13 weeks pregnant & decided today to go look for baby furniture. I’ve looked a bunch online & it didn’t bother me at all. My husband was busy doing yardwork so I decided to run down there by myself. Shouldn’t be a big deal right?? i realized immediately after walking in the front door that I had made a mistake. Every pregnant woman there had her mother with her. I was so sad. I’ve been saddened since I found out I was pregnant, simply b/c my wonderful mother and my best friend won’t be here to experience being a grandmother. I didn’t realize that seeing all of these blessed women with their mother’s would affect me so much. I made a brisk walk around the store and basically trotted out the door to keep from breaking down right there! Anyone have any wonderful cribs they would like to recommend so that I don’t have to go to any stores? Online shopping I think is the way to go for me.

    Thank you all for listening & I hope you are all well,

    Leah

  54. Hi, my name is Caralee. I am, 22, and the 2nd youngest of 5 children. We just lost our mother in April, 2008 to Cancer. I live at home while attending University. It was just my parents and younger brother living at home when Mom got sick. I stayed home mostly and took care of Mom up until the end. I am so devastated because I feel that I’m not all grown up yet. I know that I still had worlds of things to learn from her. We were just starting to become friends too, you know what I mean? I was past the “oh MOm!” (eyeroll) stage, and I was doing her makeup, and learning to cook, and actually starting to really talk to her.
    I think that you’re right about it being different to lose a parent as a young adult. I’ve been looking for resources on this type of experience, –But I havent really been able to find much information on parental loss during this period of maturation.
    My little brother was still Momma’s Boy at 20years of age, and he has espectially taken her passing really hard. Plus, 1 of my sisters is pregnant for the first time, and had found out while Mom was very ill. My other sister, is pregnant for the second time, and found out just after Mom’s passing. Any good information that you have/could direct me to on the experiences of losing a mother as a young adult woman/man, or as a pregnant woman, would be appreciated.

    Thank you for addressing this issue!

  55. Hello, my name is Mandy and I just lost my Momma at age 57 on July 1, 2008. I am 29 years old and my husband and I just got married in Dec. of 2007. My Momma had C.O.P.D., a lung disease that we knew would take her from us. She had been on oxygen 24/7 for a couple of years and was still teaching 7th grade English, she had been a teacher for about 35 years and truly loved every minute of it. We had four wonderful days with her at home after a long fight in the hospital, before the Lord took her, she was even able to speak to us a little, a blessing we thought was not possible after we took her off the vent.
    My Dad, her best friend for 37 years of marriage is actually managing her absence better than I ever thought he would. He is now my daily phone call instead of Momma, however, the conversation is much different with him. He really is a great Dad and I have always been Daddy’s girl, it just is a different relationship with him than the one I had with Momma. I have an older sister, 37, we are not as close as we used to be for reasons stemming from before my Momma passed. She was never really close with Dad and now their strained relationship sits like a rock on my chest. I know that Momma would know what to say and do to help them heal.
    Like you, I feel as if I am just beginning this new stage in my life and I feel LOST without my Momma. My husband and I want to start a family and now that we are ready, I need my Momma’s advice more than ever. She was such a wise woman, a great judge of character, I honor her every chance I get. I also just completed my M.B.A. and never got to have that celebratory dinner with the family. School just started back in my community and my heart hurts when I think of some other teacher using my Momma’s room. She loved that school so much, I feel as if she was the school in so many ways.
    I have a constant ache for her, to talk to her, to feel her, to smell her. This past mother’s day, I wrote a poem for her from my sister and I, just trying to put into words some of the love and gratitude we feel for her. While writing the poem, I had no idea that in less than two months it would be read at her funeral, that is a thought that never crossed my mind. I’ve been looking for some help through the internet, I’m thankful I found your blog. I know grieving is an individual process; however, I think I should be past the almost constant urge to cry. My husband has been wonderful through all of this, he is my rock. The uncertainty in my life used to be exciting and I welcomed the challenge. Now as I face the possibility of motherhood, uncertainty has altered my hope to something more like doubt. I’m clinging to my faith, my husband, and my Dad, I just know Momma will not let me fail as a mother.

    Thank you for letting me share.

    Here is an excerpt of the poem I wrote for Momma titled “In her…”

    In her, the daughters saw the meaning of unconditional, selfless, and grace,
    In her, they learned how to be themselves, to not follow but lead the pace,
    In her, they found a mother, a biggest fan, a confidant and a best friend,
    In her, they learned the value of family, those who would stand with you ‘til the end,
    In her, they found laughter, music, performing, dancing, and jest,
    In her, they learned all things worth doing, deserve nothing but your best,
    In her, they saw how to be a wife, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a mother,
    In her, they learned to accept defeat, disappointment and hurt from another,
    In her, they learned that God’s will is not always what you thought you had in mind,
    In her, they learned that the answer is always near, seek and you shall find,
    In her, they saw how to be the women they have become today,
    In her, they saw how to laugh, cry, rejoice, comfort, grow, and play.

    So it is possible for two wonderful daughters to come from the same mold,
    You just have to have the most perfect mother and allow God’s will to unfold.

  56. I lost my dad at age 16 and my mom last dec at age 19.. i get sick just walking by cig smoke. The only thing that gets me is i know they didnt know they was gonna past away.. but it was thier choice to smoke…. so they killed themselfs??? I’m just having a hard time living with that fact. I lost my parents to choices they made, over a long period of time.

  57. Thank you. Oh man, all I can say is, thank you so very much. I lost my father last week. I’ve been miserable. I don’t have anyone I can talk to that has ANY idea of what I’m going through. I’m an only child and everyone I know that has lost a parent has been in their late 40’s or 50’s. I couldn’t find anything online relating to -my- situation, until I found your page. My father had been sick for as long as I can remember. Emphysema, rhumatoid *sp* arthritis… I grew up watching him deteriorate. He was 72; though I am only 22. I’m devastated. He was my daddy, and now he’s gone forever. I relate completely to the paragraph about him not being there for -my- milestones. That’s all I ever wanted. Him to at least be at my wedding, and he won’t be. We had issues when I was little, but right around 17 we started getting a bit closer, then I completely distanced myself when I saw how badly he was suffering. I just needed more time to figure out how to deal with it, and life in general. I’ve barely been an “adult” for 4 years. And now, since I’m still young and naive, I’ve lost all chance and hope to ever have the relationship with him I’ve always longed for. I’m afraid now to even think about those milestones… my boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage for a while now, and now I’m just too afraid. My daddy won’t be there, how can I possibly do it without him?

    Thank you again for understanding me, even though we’ve never met. It’s very comforting to see that there is someone who knows. Yet it’s also very sad, because I hate the thought that someone else has felt this immeasurable amount of pain.

  58. Val,

    my mom died on october 2. I am 27. I got married to my bf of 5 years in feb. of this year. My children are 6 and 3. She was my back up and my best friend. She died of a heart attack very suddenly. My daughter got off the bus and couldn’t get in the house and my father had to come home to find his wife of 46 years dead on the bedroom floor. She was still in her pjs. My mom left in her wake my inconsoloable father, and myself, their only child and now 4 grandchildren. I feel like I am walking an odd path. I am a hospice nurse. THe whole idea of death is a daily occurence, day in and day out.I am not scared of death. I do not regret the way she died as it is only what any of us can hope for. She was only 64 yrs old. My marriage is suffering and the relationship I have with my own children is strained. I felt the need to share this. Thanks for anyone who reads and responds. It is appreciated.

    Kelli

  59. I’m just realizing how much of an effect the loss of my mother is having and has had on my life. I’m currently 28, and lost my mom to cancer in my early 20s. Back then I thought I was strong and grounded….with the ability to grow and move forward. Today, and looking back I realize I’ve been running away from my past, home, city, friends, and family in the years that followed her death. I was an only child and my mother and I were very close. We had a few rough times just before she got sick…which leaves me torn open with regret, and guilt. Overall I know my mom knew I loved her more than anything. And I know she did me. There wasn’t a moment in her life that she didn’t tell me how proud she was of me. Every little or big achievement of mine was never ever overlooked. I was her baby.

    I wish I was better to her in the months proceeding her illness. I wish I called more, I wish I was more caring, and sensitive instead of fearful and withdrawn. I wish I laid with her in the hospital bed like good children do in the movies. It haunts me…how much I would do over if I could rewind. And “they tell you to talk about it” which feels so hard when so many in your life just DO NOT, and can’t understand. One day they will in their own way, but currently they can not put themselves in my shoes because they have yet to “feel” it.

    It sucks. It hurts and stings in the most messed up way imaginable. You ask yourself, Why…why now, why her…why this way, time and moment….when I need her most. I know that’s being selfish, but loosing my mom at such an early part of my adulthood has really done a psychological number on my choices, direction, relationships, and career. It’s been a long road, and will never end. Hopefully soon I will find better ways of dealing with my loss, and seek proper counseling. But all in all thank you for your words. It’s comforting to know I am not alone when searching and searching for advice on this type of grief and just can’t find it. I hate when others act as though I just need to toughen up and move on…or when some people act as though it’s NOT AS BIG OF A DEAL as losing your mother younger. It’s a big deal, a very big deal. And I miss her, daily…every second of every day actually. This journey has been a confusing one, and I’m still trying to learn how to properly be an “Adult.” If I could truly be half the woman she was I think I’d turn out just fine.

    But in time.

  60. Taschka–I so resonate with your comment–so much so that I think I’m going to go blog about that a bit in a new post. IT does suck. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. But do know that you are NOT alone. I’ve been getting comments on this post for 2 years now, mostly because there’s not a lot out there for what we are experiencing, but you can see out of these almost 60 comments, we are NOT alone in feeling this way.

  61. I dont think you can talk with most people about our losses simply because they dont understand. They don’t know what we are going through and they don’t have the words. It just seems as if all the comforting words don’t help. Maybe because we just want to and need to grieve.
    My dad died at 59 to heart failure. I was 30 and my daughter was only 9 months old. It was a shock to us all especially my mom. My mom was always so depressed that we didnt know until 10 months after my dad died that she had brain cancer. It breaks my heart that the last year of her life was filled with so much pain. She died 2 months later also at 59 years old. At the same time she was diagnosed with brain cancer i gave birth to my second child. I was supposed to be overjoyed with my new baby and our growing family and yet so sad and numb at loosing both my parents within less than a year. I dont have words to describe the loss, fear, and hurt. To feel you have been cheated. My parents were my best friends.
    Thank you for this blog and a chance to read about others in similar situations and a chance for me to have a good cry and share.

  62. Wow. Reading all of your blogs have made me feel as though I am not alone. I am an only child and lost my mother to lung cancer when I turned 21…she was diagnosed 2 days after I graduated high school when I was 17. I am now 25 and the pain hurts just as badly as the day she died…if not worse now, because when she was sick and finally passed away I was numb. Its an indescribable, horrific, God awful, feeling to know that your mother, your best friend in life cannot be there to see you get married, and to have children. Also because a mother’s duty is to support her children and keep them mentally “grounded” I find myself worrying and obsessing over things that I shouldn’t. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? For instance, thinking a freckle is automatically skin cancer, or a strange pain in their chest (when its probably gas is something really terrible. Just thinking about getting pregnant scares me because I wont be able to talk to my mom and say “did this happen to you to?!””Oh good, now I can relax and not create anxiety induced preeclampsia :)

    That being said, I want to thank you all for posting your stories…we are a unique group that have lost our mothers just as we are becoming semi-comfortable in out own skin. A time when we need just a much guidance (though a different kind) as we did when we were first learning to walk. Please continue to post blogs as they have become a wonderful therapy to me.

    xoxo

  63. My mum died of COPD on 25-Nov-08, when I was 15 weeks pregnant. I was 35 and she was 63. I’m so sad that she died so prematurely; that she never got to be an old lady, or a grandmother. I’ve really missed her throughout the rest of my pregnancy. I would have loved to share my experiences with her more and ask her what was it like for you?

    I am lucky that I did get to say those words “Mum, I’m pregnant”, and I’m so pleased that we told our parents as soon as we knew instead of waiting to reach the ‘safe’ 3-month benchmark. She was so happy for us. She had shared her excitement and concerns with her friends. She had always been so happy for her friends as they became grandmothers so she loved being able to share with them ‘I’m going to be a grandmother’. She was looking forward to helping us, and she was hoping to buy us a pram or something similar. The last time I went shopping with her she wanted to buy us some baby clothes. I wish I had let her do this when she offered, but it was so early on in the pregnancy that it felt unlucky to get it before we were out of the miscarriage-zone. If I had of realised that she had so little time left such concerns were so misplaced, now, I wish I had let her. I regret this so much. She had expressed concern to her friends that she wouldn’t be able ‘to be like other grandmother’s’, as she was too ill to help with baby and childcare. She wasn’t going to be able to be that active with the baby either, and would probably of had to limit the amount of time she held him due to her illness. It’s so painful to think how such concerns seem so irrelevant now, having been taken away from her, since she will never meet her grandson. She would have made a wonderful grandmother.

    It’s been a struggle to juggle grief with happiness; such an incongruous mix of emotions to experience during pregnancy. It feels so strange that I’m at the happiest point in my life; I’ve finally met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and we are so happy to be having our first child, and yet I feel empty, sad and lonely… I miss my mum. My baby is due on 17-May-09 and I’m worried how I will feel, I know I will be overwhelmed by the happiness of a newborn, but I’m also anticipating a torrent of further grief, the stark absence of my mum will make it the happiest and saddest day of my life.

    I’m trying to work out how do I convey the essence of my mum to my son in the future? How will he be able to love the memory of someone he’ll never meet? I want him to feel the love my mum already had for our unborn, for him to know that he would have been so loved, adored and dotted on by my mum. How can words express such concepts to a toddler?

  64. I lost my mother unexpectantly on November 3, 2007 – she was only 60 years old. I was 19 weeks pregnant with my first child. In two weeks my daughter will be 1 year old. It marks the end to a wonderful year, but also a reminder of everything my mother has missed.

    My daughter resembles my mom so much and has so many of her personality traits. I have a picture hung with liquid nail (so she can’t pull it off the wall) underneath the light switch in her room. It is on the lower part of the wall where it will stay so she can see it and every day we say hello to “Gandma” and tell her we love her.

    My mom was so excited to become a “Gandma” again. My older brother already had a child, a little girl who loved her Gandma more than anything. Sydnee was 2 when my mother passed away. My brother’s wife was also pregnant again… due 6 weeks before me. My mom was about to have 2 more grandchildren.

    My mother had heart disease and diabetes. She developed a bad infection in her lower right leg which ultimately, after several years of recurrence, required amputation. It was a tough situation, but my mother decided to move forward with the surgery. Her own mother had the same problems and elected not to have surgery finally resulting in death.
    During the surgery, the doctor discovered the infection was much worse than he thought.
    After surgery, my mom went to ICU and the infection continued to spread. She suffered another heart attack and we ultimately decided to remove her from the ventilator and let her go. She had a living will stipulating she did not want to be kept alive by any artificial means. My mother passed less than 30 hours after her surgery.

    The last thing she told me while waiting to be taken back for surgery was, “Take care of that baby.” I insisted she would be fine and we would get her a new leg and would be out and about in no time. I strongly feel that she was in much more pain than she ever let on and knew in her heart it was worse than we knew.

    I was able to hold her hand and tell her how great of a mother she was and how I am going to be a great mother because of her. I told her we would take care of dad… they would have been married 41 years just a few months later. It was nice to have the closure that so many people do not get.

    But alas, I am a motherless mother. I am also a strong mother. There were lifestyle changes my mother could have made that I believe would have kept her with us much longer. Lifestyle changes I have made for my daughter. I am quit smoking while trying to conceive and will never light up again. I am watching my weight and trying to get back into an active exercise regimen. My mother was almost 30 when she had me… and I was almost 30 when I had my daughter. That means my mother’s life was already half over when she gave birth to me. I refuse to accept that and will not succomb to the same fate if at all possible. I will learn from this experience and be there for my daughter as she becomes a mother, unless the Good Lord decided otherwise.

    But my sweet girl WILL know her grandmother. The picture hanging on her wall, the red plaid shirt that made my mom look so pretty is now a teddy bear in her room. The looks she gets when you try to get too close to her face and the fact that she gets so hot and only wants to sleep alone in her bed… never ever with anyone or on anyone. There are so many ways to convey the importance of that woman.

    My mother and I were just becoming friends. I was embarking on a journey where I am needing her more than ever. We were getting to know each other on an adult level.. and experience I will never know. And I have a wonderful mother-in-law, but it is NOT THE SAME. Never will be. As much as I crave that relationship, it is gone forever and I grieve daily. But she is in my heart and I am praying for all of you going through the same thing.

  65. I lost my mom when I was 14. When I needed her the most. Beginning highschool and experiencing things that a teenage girl goes through. I had no n=one I really wanted to talk to because there is no one like mom. Now I have children of my own, I feel really disconnected to them because I’m still trying to deal with not having my mom their to mold me into the women I should be. I close myself up from everyone(especially my children)or either show anger to those that dont deserve it. I feel that i don’t know how to love even though I want to love and be love, but beacause of the absence of my mom it is hindering me.

  66. 2008 was a rough year for me. I seemed to have about every emotional high and low that year, and it only seems to be getting worse. 2008 started by me finishing up my last semester of classes in college, getting married and moving to NC to be with my husband who is a Marine. After moving down I soon started my internship who by April had hired me on full time and I graduated from college. My parents came down to visit for Mother’s Day, and this is when I told them I was pregnant. My parents were so excited, that when they got back home, they started buying everything they could find. In June my mom got what we thought were the shingles. She had healed up in time for me to visit her for July 4th, and we spent an awsome weekend together. By the time my husband and I had made it back to NC, my dad had called me and told me he had to take mom into the ER. When I was home, she too looked as if she were pregnant. We laughed and joked that we were the women from “Father of the Bride part 2″. Well her visit to the ER began the last part of her illness. She was in and out of the hosptil every other week until October 30th. In the meantime I was having a difficult pregnancy. I had gone into labor at 22 wks from a bacterial infection I got from being attacked by a boneyfish on Labor Day. Luckily we caught it soon enough and it was stopped. I went home the first weekend of October for a baby shower. When I got home my mom had been in the hospital for about a week, but left that Sunday against Dr’s orders to be at my baby shower. We spent a wonderful day together. I’ll never forget it! I went home that Monday, and mom seemed to be doing a lot better. I left the 6th and I went into Labor again at 29 weeks from yet again another bacterial infection. (which they never found/ confirmed) This time they couldn’t stop it. I was already 8cm by the time I got to the hospital. My husband called my dad and told him what was going on, but he refused to tell my mom because she was in ICU at this point. She had been out of the hospital for 2 weeks and just got back in. At this point we still did not know much about her illness. They were constantly running tests on her. After I had my son, I called my mom and said “hi grandma.” She was exstatic! She was so excited! She told everyone she saw. With my son being born almost 3 months early, we knew he had to fight for his life as well. I was stuck between wanting to be with my son in NC and wanting to be with my mom in Ohio. It was rough. Then Oct 28th came. My dad called me and said “I think you need to come home. I’m not saying that your mom is dying, but she needs a liver transplant and I dont think she is going to make it that long. She needs to see you to cheer her up.” That Wed the 29th I went home to be with her and I suprised her. She wasnt happy to see me because she had always told me to “take care of that baby!” But she got over that and we sat and talked about how cute her Dr was. It was so cute! She kept saying “dont tell him I think hes hot!” So we had a few laughs about that. That night I said “Good night mom. I Love You” just as I had my whole life. The next morning we came in and the Drs said she had a rough night throwing up blood. We walked in to see her and all she said was “I Love You” and then rolled over and started breathing all weird. We called the Dr’s in to check on her. At this point I had to talk to a Lactation specialist because I had just had my son and was still trying to breastfeed. My dad was walking down the the waiting room where I was while the Dr’s were checking her out and on his way they yelled “code blue” and dad ran to me and said that it was for mom. They revived her and took her straight to the ICU. We found out she had a “do not resesitate” on her info and she was on life support at this point. Drs said she wasnt going to get better so dad and I discussed it and decided we needed to take her off. She wouldnt have wanted to live like that. It was the hardest thing we have ever done. Dad and I stayed right there with her the whole time. It was a very violent death. It was horrible. There are images from that day that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. She never got to see her grandson other than in pictures, but he had all his tubes and things on him in the picture. 3 weeks after we buried my mom, my grandpa/ mom’s dad passed away at 92. Our family just had it with death. We were all having a really difficult time with this. Well, just 2 days ago I found out my uncle/ mom’s brother, died of a heart attack while on his way home from a business trip. I am still greiving over the loss of my mom and the fact that she did not get to meet her 1st grandson. Then I have to deal with the loss of my grandfather and my uncle, all of whom I was very close with. My mom was my best friend, and I was her only child. The day she passed my dad decided it was time for me to know more about myself and my mom. My parents had adopted me at 3 days old. I always knew this, but I then find out that the mom I have always known, was actually my cousin. I wanted nothing more than to talk to her and tell her how awsome that was. She was always to nervous to tell me because she wasn’t sure how I would react. My uncle who just passed is the only other member of the family that knows about my biological family. Now I have no one to ask any questions. Thats a whole other story in itself. I am having a hard time greiving and being a mom at the same time. Something everyone should remember is that God will never give you more than you can handle. This is something I am having to tell myself everyday! That and reading the Serenity prayer. But sometimes I feel alone in this. I feel like nothing like this has happened to anyone else, and Im all alone, but I now know that Im not the only one. And now its my turn to help my cousin and her daughter. My mom and I have always been close to my cousin who just lost her father. And because we now have the same experience in losing a parent, I can try and help her as well.
    If anyone has any advice for helping someone, for things to say, anything…please let me know. Even though Ive been through this recently, its still hard to know what to say.

    ashlyb_27@hotmail.com

  67. I lost my dad when I was 24 and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I feel now at 29 that it is still very much in my head all of the time. My father was sick his whole life (strokes,heart attacks) and I always kind of knew since I was little that my dad probably wouldn’t be around when I got older. He even told me that the next time he probably wouldn’t make it because he had already had 3 heart attacks and after the final one the Dr. was amazed at how long he actually made it because his heart was in very bad shape. He was the definition of strong and to me he was a super man. He never took time off work and worked everyday. As soon as he would get released from the hospital, he would always be at work the next day, not because he had to but because he loved it. When he died I had to look after everything, because my mom left him 2 years before,and my brother was addicted to meth. It was bad and to make matters worse I told my brother two weeks before that dads health was deteriorating because he constantly worried about him and his grandson and wife. I think about it everyday, and I mean everyday since he died. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share the stories and feelings and feel it is a tremendous asset for support and just to know we are not alone.

  68. You are right on the money. There is so much focus on small children that lose parents which I cannot even begin to imagine. And then there are older people that pass away and that’s looked about as “well, thats how life is.” I lost my father at 23, he was only 49 and was killed in a car accident. As my mother lives accross the country, we were extremely close. We were just getting to that adult to adult relationship and it was a blast! I think the support and resources for our age group are limited. Society assumes that since we are over age 18, we can deal. But what about my father walking me down the isle, or in this case not. My children not having a grandfather. I’m 100% behind you, for me its only been about 7 months but although I’m not 10 years old, I’m still just not okay.
    I really appreciate you sharing your feelings..it was so extremely helpful..at least a don’t feel like a complete lunatic – thank you!!

  69. I am new to the grieving process – I would guess I am in the numb stage. I am 38 and recently lost my mother to cancer. I am doing whatever research I can to help me better cope. My mother was only 60. It doesn’t matter how old you are as the child, losing a parent is an awful thing. I have read that some people are still grieving years after the loss, I am just hoping things will get easier.

    • It wont ever get easier…just more livable, if that makes any sense…

      there will be great days…and there will be God awful days…and you start to learn that this is just how life will be from now on and that you will have to go on as best you can. remember to keep the memories alive! watch old videos, read old notes, look at old pictures (keep them all in a safe place) that will all help you cope!

      • Thank you Leah. I am not ready for life to go on “as normal” nor do I want it to and I’m afraid conflict will eventually result for the people who expect that it should. Everyone as we know has their own idea of how long someone should mourn. My maximum time in public (which I’ve just recently attempted) without having an outburst of tears is about 1 hour.

    • It doesn’t get easier…it just gets different. You have to treat your broken soul and crushed spirit just as you would treat a broken leg or crushed arm. You can’t just stick a band-aid on it and expect it to just get better on its own. Pay attention, nurse the pain, do the therapy, and work at it. It’s amazing how many people just think they can keep moving on and going about life without stopping to take care of their spirit and nurture the “self”. It does not ever go back to “normal”…you have to create a “new normal”. It’s very difficult, and no one teaches us how to do this. I’m very sorry to hear about your mom. My thoughts are with you.

  70. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this article and agree wholeheartedly with the statements you have made about our generation and loss of a parent. My wonderful dad had a massive stroke on his 60th birthday while we were getting ready to cut his cake. I was 30. It was horrible and scary, and I have spent the past 2.5 years trying to work through this grief. For the past year or so, I have been struggling about deciding whether or not to start a family, and I just can’t decide. I cannot imagine my dad not being here to be a grandpa, and I know my grief is holding me back from getting off the fence and making a decision. I don’t want my grief to be the reason I choose to have a family or not, but I just can’t see through the pain to make up my mind. I know people don’t realize how much of an impact and devastating loss it is to lose a parent during this time in life. You’re right…the resources and support groups sort of skip over the timing of this loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish the best to all of you who have lost a parent while trying to figure out how to move forward into your adult life. I’m still struggling.

  71. i know this is quite an old post, but iv just found it when i really needed it, im 23 and lsot my mum three weeks ago iv yet to have children or be married. and im in my first year training to be a nurse. it really helped to read your story and i complety 100% agree. i keep fining myself get so angry at what i wont experience with my mum she was only 49. i thought everyone know how i felt untill i mentioned to my nan and aunti about how hard i was fining it with the thought my children will never know there nan. i have such a good relationship with my nan i feel aufull that when i have children they will never have that. and i know when i find the right man no matter how much i talk about my mum they will never understand fully what a wounderfull women she was and the person she was and neither will my children. just nice to know im not they only person with these feelings.

  72. I lost my dad April 24, 2009. I am only 22 years old and just finished college. My dad passed away from a heart at work. I was the last one to talk to him on the phone that day, just getting advice about insurance and our last words to each other was “I’ll see you tonight”. Was on my way of moving out and my dad was helping me with that to. Now I am left at home with my mom to help to keep her this house. Reading this article just helped and didn’t make me feel so lost. Just hard I lost my dad when I needed him the most.

  73. I am 40 now. I lost my mum 20 years ago this November, and my Dad 2 years later. I am married now, with 3 children and another one the way. My husband’s parents are lovely, as is he, but it hurts when they say things like ‘he is exactly like his Dad’. I know they don’t mean to be unkind but I just wish there was someone still around who could comment on the resemblance of one of my babies to my childhood self. But there is no one. My brother, who is 7 years older than me, is useless – he was never sympathetic and a bit of a bully really and after both my parents died seemed to think he had free rein to treat me as badly as he liked – with the consequence that I left the area for good. So I feel I have lost all links with my early life, and my parents, and that they play no role in my or my children’s lives. Sometimes I feel so sad – I’ll look at a picture of my Mum, particularly, and feel overcome with sadness for both me and her. I never got to know her as an adult, or find out who she really was. Sometimes I wonder if I really remember her at all. As a 20 year old student who had just left home, I was still going through that stage of being a bit of a nightmare and establishing my own identity and independence (for which my brother made me feel so guilty I don’t think I can ever forgive him). My parents never met any of their grandchildren. My mum was never able to congratulate me on my marriage or the birth of my children. Even 20 years later, I feel so alone in the world and my children grieve the absence of the grandparents they never knew, especially my oldest, who is 11 and quite sensitive and switched on. I think this is a really under-researched area – the implications of losing a parent in early adulthood can be immense – they can affect not only the children, but the grandchildren too.

  74. WOW…I am not alone! I just sat and read the entries for the last 2 hours and cried the whole time. Last night was tough night. Somehow it felt like no one could understand the nighmare I have been living. It feels good to know that I am not alone.

    I lost my mom a year ago today. She lived in California where I am from, and I am away in graduate school in Chicago. I was not able to be with her in her final days/weeks because I was 9 months pregnant and unable to travel at the advice of my doctor. My mom passed away very suddenly…she went into the hospital and passed within 2 weeks. I had no time to prepare myself. In fact up until the last few days no one even talked about her not making it out. She died just 7 days before I delivered her first grand-daughter…for which she was so excited. She was scheduled to be with me in my delivery…help me set-up the nursery…advise me through the first few weeks at home with a new baby. Instead I was alone, just my husband and I because everyone else (my sister and brother) were in california grieving her loss and could hardly think about my delivery at that time. Her loss was so fresh, it was impossible to be happy and joyful at my daughters birth when I felt so shocked and sad inside. The worst part is that I was not able to say good bye…I love you…she stopped talking and slept most of the time…so I had to get reports by phone from my siblings on what was happening at the hospital. The stress of her just being sick and in the hospital actually sent me at 9 months pregnant to the hospital with elevated/rapid heart rate. I was in the hospital, hooked up the baby heart rate monitor doing a stress test when I got the call that she passed away. What a blow! It was the worst time in my life. I will never be the same.

    Today I struggle with trying to enjoy my beautiful daughter who is almost 1. I feel like everyone around me is so happy with the new baby etc, but I live under a dark cloud and have to smile and fake it. It is a struggle and no one in my world knows how I feel. I am lost, I am sad and I am still in shock. It happened a year ago…how can I still be in shock? I did not really deal with the loss when I happened, I had a new baby within a week, and I was finishing up my degree. I had to “get back to work”. I took a 4 month maternity/grieving leave and was back to school after that. Just 6 months after she died I defended my dissertation. Now that nothing else is going on in my life…it is starting to really hit me. Unfortunately, everyone is gone, all the supportive friends and neighbors have left. I am on my own. I am lost, and I feel like I better find some help soon. One of my friends suggested that I my grief may be compounded by a bit of post-partum depression or baby blues. I don’t know…I am going to find a therapist ASAP. I think it would help to get some of this stuff out.

    Thanks for reading and thanks for all the post…they were so helpful during one of my dark nights.
    Jo

    • Oh my goodness. I know this is an old post, but I just found this blog. I lost my mom a year and a half ago suddenly and only 2 days before I had my first baby. It was the most awful time of my life. My mom died unexpectedly on a Monday morning and I went to the hospital the next night to have my baby. I felt like a crazy person having the happiest and saddest moments of my life happening together. Labor and then bringing home a newborn was not easy. So nice to know someone else actually knows how it feels, for real.

  75. I was looking for something like this, I was a week into 25 when I lost my father to Colon Cancer, on May 9 2009, almost 5 months ago..he was only 54. I know this isn’t about a mother, but i was looking for something, anything on how to deal with the crying and the extreme pain. I was so angry at him before he died, for not being there for my wedding or for not being there for my children. So much anger and yet I couldn’t control it. My bf had the opportunity to ask my father and my mom for their permission to marry me, they both said yes. And I am thankful for that everyday, but he won’t be htere to see it. I cry all the time for no reason, and most of all, because I was present when he actually passed away, I see him dead…all the time…
    Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this??
    Please…

  76. I lost my dad in April (APRIL 2009.) It was a big shock, I’m 28 and he was only 53 – he died a week before his 24the birthday. I had also just split up with my partner of seven years the previous August – we were going to get married but it never happened…..

    I always though that I would be older, married and have kids as some sort of comfort to ease the pain of this situation but it wasn’t mean to be for me and I can see from all of the posts that it doesn’t make a difference.

    I have a lot of anger and pain – again this was not my mum who died but I need to get this out so I hope you all understand….

    I had two weeks off work in which to “FIX” myself… of course I went back and have been OK, I guess because I have been so busy I have not really had time to think about it. I got made redundant and since not working I have not been able to sleep and regularly think about my dad and cry myself to sleep.

    I will never have a dad to walk me up the aisle when I do get married and this makes me sad enough not to want to get married.

    I have a friend whose dad dies 7 years agao – she still to this day cries…

    I know my email is a bit all over the place – I’m upset, angry and disappointed with life.

    On an up note – my plan to make things seem worthwhile is to remember the happy times I had with my dad. All too often we never get in life to do those things that we truly desire to do – whether that be jump out of a plane, swim with dolphins, or travel around the world. I have decided and I think if it is at all feasible that you all follow my idea to make a list of all those things your parent (whether that be mother or father) wanted to do or didn’t get to do in their lifetime and go and do them for them. They will experience these things and do them with you in spirit but you can do them in honor of them.

    One other point I urge you to follow, it is something I wish to do when I am blessed with my first child, is to make a scrap book or regular holiday videos so that if god forbid or when in old age anyone of us passes over our children have something we wrote, photographed or videoed for them to remember us by because I REALLY wish apart from the few photos I have that I had more with which to remember my dad by.

    Anyway – I will leave my email address if anyone wishes to get in contact just to talk…. without someone to help you through the downsides life is always that little bit harder.

    You can reach me on F_RODGERSb@hotmail.com

    Love, Peace and blessings to all of those who have lost a parent. I feel your pain.

    xxxx

    xxx

  77. I found out I was pregnant in early March. This was my first baby, and would be my parents 2nd grandchild. My now husband, proposed to me in April, within days my mother passed away very suddenly in her sleep from a Pulmonary Embolism. She was 56. I was 26. I spoke to her the night before, but rushed her off the phone because I was hanging out with some friends whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. That night plays over and over in my head. I wish I would of talked to her, to hear everything she had to say. I would give anything to hear her again, to see her again. To tell her I love her.

    My mom had a very hard life. It wasn’t fair to her. I used to think she wasn’t a strong person because of the way her life was near the end, but God will only give us what we can handle and for her to handle all of that, she WAS a strong woman!

    My mom suffered abuse in her home as a child from an alcoholic mother. Abuse from a husband. She lost her first child, my 1/2 sister, when she was just 19 in a terrible car accident. She lost her best friend to suicide shortly after. My father cheated on her and remained doing so the last 5 years my mom was alive. They still lived together so my dad could take care of her. She had a bad back from years of hard work, she got addicted to pain killers, and then once she found out about dad, she started drugs. My mother fell victim to other peoples sins. She thought they were her friends, but they only wanted her money. I watched my mom get taken away in a police car when I was 23. To see my sad mother crying, hand cuffed and so scared, taken away because she made a bad decision. Because she found a way to cope, that wasn’t the right way, but it made her for once feel good. It hurts to know that she didn’t get to experience much of life after that. They put her on house arrest, and although she had been clean for a while, they denied letting her off. I barely saw my mom during that time, she began heavily smoking, (which she never did before), I always used that as an excuse not to see her, or because I am allergic to cats and she had them inside. She would call me sometimes and ask what I was doing, our conversations never lasted too long. I didn’t feel connected to her as I used to when I was a teenager and she was my best friend. Her pain took her life.

    Before I found out I was pregnant my mom was sent to the hospital for seizures. She’s never had them before. They sent her home, only for her to go back hours later. It hurts to know she suffered like this…..

    They put her on a breathing machine and induced coma until they could treat her. It was an infection that spread to her brain. She was in the hospital for weeks. I cried when I went to visit her, to see her like that. I just wanted my mom back.

    One day at work my dad called and said someone wants to talk to you, “Candi” she called out, her voice so raspy from the tubes. I said MOM. I love you! She told me she loved me too.

    I got to see her after that and we talked. She told me she was sorry for how she had been, what she had done. She said she was a bad mom, but I told her, God is giving you that 2nd chance. I never thought, not once, that my mom was a bad mom, she just made some bad choices in life, like I did when I was younger, mom just made them after experiencing difficult times in her life. I remember holding my moms hand in the hospital, so soft. Aging hands of my mother.

    She was transferred to an assisted living facility to begin treatment. She couldn’t move too much from being in the bed and in a coma for so long. She hated it there and wanted to leave all the time. I called my dad when he was visiting there one day and had them put me on speaker phone so everyone could hear. I told them I was pregnant. Everyone was happy. Well, mom said “Oh no!” LOL, but I know she was happy. Soon after my mom left the facility early on her own before treatment was up. That was when it all went down hill. She started smoking again because of an incident with my dads girlfriend calling the house. I was so upset with my mom, I told her I knew she;d start again and I thought she was stronger than that. My mom had days where she was dizzy. I never listened to her complain too much because I always avoid drama, it’s depressing to me. I wish I would of listened though. She went to the dr’s to see what was wrong. Nothing found. Days later she died in her sleep.

    It’s so unreal losing a parent. The order of life is set to do just that, but moms life wasn’t. She lost her daughter first. Her best friend, and then her husband of 29 years had been cheating. I can only imagine her pain compared to mine. She fought so hard and so quietly. She self medicated herself to deal with it because that was all she knew. I wasn’t there for her. I stood back and shook my head. I had given up home early after finding out about the drugs. I am glad she was clean though and she knew she was going to be a grandma. I am sad she didn’t make it to my wedding. She did pay for the honey moon, that was her gift she said.

    I am now almost 9 months pregnant. I am having a baby boy. I think about her every day. Her smile, her laugh. I wish she could be here right now beside me helping me. This pain hasn’t gone away, some days it feels like day one all over again. You cope the best way you can……thought it still hurts, you learn to recover easier each time. Tears are good to let out every once in a while.

    I am sorry this is so long. If anyone would like to talk, please email me candibrewer09@yahoo.com

  78. I am 28 now, I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer on Dec 9th 2007, I was 26. I still lived at home with her at the time and I was single with no kids. I still live in our family home. It will soon be two years but the loss feels like just yesterday. Sometimes I feel so cheated, sometimes I’m envious of people I know who still have their moms and sometimes I’m ok. I have my moments when I just cry, I cry because she is no longer here. I was just getting to really know her and I was just getting to really know myself and I still needed her. I like to think that perhaps there is some divine reason for her being taken and perhaps I didn’t need her as much as thought. What I do know is not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, that I don’t want just a brief conversation with her or want her advice. Words can never fully desribe the loss or how much I miss her and how important she was to me.
    I’ve found happiness in a new relationship and life’s simple pleasures but there is always a part of me that feels empty and that feels likes something is missing. It’s scary to imagine going through life with this void that can’t be filled by anyone else but I know she would have wanted me to keep on going and make the most out of everyday.
    I think about having my own family more now than ever before because I want to give the gift she has given me to someone else……this gift of unconditional, eternal love.

  79. I am 28 years old, 16 weeks pregnant, and just found out that my mom’s lymphatic cancer has spread to her lungs and other parts of her body. I am so devastated, and cannot stop crying. My family was worried that the stress of my mom’s illness will cause me to miscarry, and did not want to tell me the bad news last night. My mom however, thought that she needed to be upfront with me because she knows I would not like to be left in the dark. It makes me so sad to think that my mom might die before my baby is born and not get a chance to see her grandchild. My mom said she is trying to fight this just so she can see her grand baby, and that I need to be strong for the baby. I know that this is part of life, but it sucks!I don’t think I am ready for any of this, yet I know I need to trust in God that he will comfort my mom, family, and myself during this time. I know I need to stay positive and hope for the best for her, but in reality I also know that she might not be able to fight this one. Anyhow, I felt the need to get this off my chest, and reading everyone’s stories has helped me to see that I am not alone in this. Thank you for all your personal stories.

  80. I lost my mother suddenly (heart attack) the day before I gave birth to my son. If you haven’t lived through it, no one knows what it is like. I was in the hospital recoving from my son’s birth (C section)so never attended the funeral and all of those things that help you with the idea of death. I look back and am amazed I even survived dealing with the death of my mom and having a newborn. Fast forward 29 years later and I am now dealing with my dad who is terminally ill. The sorrow comes in such waves…..I am 55 and not ready to be an orphan yet…..

    • My mother, too, died suddenly on a Monday morning. I went into the hospital the next night to have my first baby. I haven’t met anyone with similar circumstances. I don’t know how I survived my mom’s death and having a newborn, either. It was the most horrible time of my life. It somehow helps knowing there are a few other people who have experienced something similar. It has only been a year and a half, and I finally feel like I’m going through the grieving process. Thanks for posting your story.

  81. Words can’t express how grateful I was to come across this website. I am 26 and recently lost my dad due to a tragic accident. I am not married and do not have any children. I am just beginning to develop a career path and my dad was an instrumental part of my developing adulthood. I just feel so sad that he was not able to see me “make it” in life. I just hope that as time goes by I can celebrate his life and how he helped me become the person I am today.

    I can only feel so sorry for all the other younger adults out there who have lost a parent. However, I do find comfort that other people who have gone through a similiar experience can openly write and discuss their feelings.

    So thank you so much for this wonderful blog…it really has helped make me feel a little less alone.

  82. I’m 24 and lost my dad. He passed away unexpectedly on November 9 because of multiple embolisms in his lungs which caused a heart attack. Nobody saw it coming. He was only 63 years old. There was so much he still wanted to do.
    I strongly agree with you that we are glossed over when it comes to losing a parent. Children who lose a parent have support groups, and you’re pretty well taken care of when you’re in your forties or fifties and a parent dies, but we are stuck in one of those odd groups when you’re surrounded mostly by people your own age who have no idea what you’re going through. Good for them, of course, but you fear trying their patience. You wonder: how long can I talk about this and how often and when will people get bored with my stories? I am lucky, if such a word even applies here, to have at least three friends who went through the same thing. I can talk to them and know that they know how exactly it all sucks.

    I think what I will miss most is the holidays. Dad and I would always go camping in Brittany (France) together. The last few years, this was more and more a case of two adults going on a trip together. We knew each other so well, both the good and the bad things. We could be impatient together, regret the lack of gnomes to do the washing up, ( a joke we shared,) and we would go to the Festival Interceltique together and love the music. These are things I can’t really share with anyone else because they belonged to dad and me. Now, there is so much stuff to do. His house must be sold, (dad lived by himself,) the car and motorcycle must be sold, stuff must be taken to the salvation army. It’s like cleaning up a part of your life you don’t want to clean up until you’re at least fifty.

    And then there’s the silence. Because, how exactly do you deal with grief like this? Speaking for myself, I’m still not sure. It’s been a month and I do get emotional more than I usually would; movies that made me tear up a little before now just make me cry. I deal with this loss the best I know how, but sometimes I wonder if I’m doing it right and if there is really a right at all. I’m looking forward to Christmas still, and sometimes I feel guilty about that. I really wished that I didn’t because I shouldn’t. We all handle loss differently. The thing is: I do really miss him but I refuse to let that stop me from living my life. He’s dead, and no amount of catatonic behaviour is going to change that. I want to be able to look back later and think to myself: you handled that damn well, kiddo. In fact, I want my dad to think that, too. Maybe that’s the point I’m trying to make: the dead don’t want us to stop in our tracks because they took a road we cannot yet follow them on. We are simply not done here yet, and so we must do whatever task we set ourselves before we came here. Whatever that may be. Maybe this goes especially for our age group and the group before that because we still have so much life to live.

    If I have learned anything from my dad’s death, or, more importantly, what it did to me, it’s the following: I will no longer let matters rest for the sake of being everybody’s best friend; I will not let that one guy I like get away from me because he doesn’t come to me and I’m too cowardly or shy to go to him; I will go abroad for my Master year and have a blast. Crude as it may be, I am thankful for the positive things I have gained from this whole, horrible experience, and, in the end, that’s worth a lot more than the pain I feel whenever I see something in a shop window that reminds me of him.

    Dad, I raise my glass to you. I don’t know if you were the world’s greatest dad, but you didn’t have to be. You were my greatest dad.

  83. Hi!
    I stumbled across this blogpost due to a google-search.
    I applaud your words as they emphazise a lot of how I feel too, and also makes me feel less alone. I am 28 and recently lost my mother very suddenly.
    It’s the seriously the most utterly lonely journey I have ever been on. My husband died some years ago and I find that people think that grief was more “legal” then this one. It pisses me off and saddens me as I need support now aswell. Loosing my mom was different, but in no way less painfull.

  84. Hi, I’m 32 years old and 7 months pregnant. My dad died (age 56) on Christmas Eve not even 2 weeks ago. I work for my dad’s small family business and I have always been extremely close with him and my mom. I think I spend more time at their house than my own. I woke up one morning in October and his skin and eyes were yellow. It was stage IV bile duct cancer and he never even got the chance to fight. I watched him die rapdily before my eyes. I’m haunted by the images and I’m praying for them to fade out of my mind. I have a 2 year old son, who was my dad’s favorite person in the world. My dad was always a great provider for his family, but never very emotional, until he became a grandpa. He changed in amazing ways when my son was born. I thank God I got to see that side of him. But it also makes this harder on me than I could ever imagine. He was just starting to become amazing in my eyes. I had a whole new love for him. I told him this during one of the few lucid moments he had on his deathbed. He said he knew exactly what I meant, he didn’t know he had that side of him either and it changed his life. Becoming a grandpa changed him in ways he never thought possible. All he wanted was to live long enough to see his grand daughter be born. She’s due 4/4 (Easter). The pain I feel is unbearable.

  85. I am 33, and for the past year my mom has been fighting ovarian cancer. I just found out today that the doctor has estimated that she has about 6 months left to live. I’m devastated, but grateful that she has been able to meet my two boys ages 3 & 6 months. We live about 2000 miles away from my parents, and I’m so glad I’ll have a chance to take the boys for another visit or two before she’s gone, but I hate that I can’t be with her through this. I am so sad that my children won’t really remember her. I am losing my best friend. I can’t imagine my life without her. I’m praying that God will heal her and trying to comprehend this loss at the same time. I go to her so often for advice on being a wife and mom. Where will I go? She has prayed for me every day of my life. What will I do without that? I really want my children to grow up knowing this incredible woman. I’m so sad.

  86. I was 29 whem my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly of an blood clot in the lung that travelled to her heart. I was 6 months pregnant at the time with my fourth child. My father was hospitalized at the mayo clinic awaiting heart surgery when she died. They released him for 8 hrs to attend her funeral. I am a military wife so I was seperated geographically and got the news by telephone from my brother. My husband was 1 state away dealing with a rental property and I was home alone with my young daughter and son. I can’t explain the shock that went through me, it was unimaginable. My mom was the strong one she was never sick. She was supposed to come and stay when I had the baby to help out. My mom and I. I feel had recently mended fences after teenage drama.
    We were in a good place finally. I am the baby of the family as my parents always called me. Is that why I can’t overcome it? My dad almost died on the operating table the following week and needed extensive care afterwards provided by my older sister. He died two years later of heart failure. He was alone at home and I got a call at home from the coroners office saying he had been found in his bed and this was the only number in his phone book because I am the only child with a contantly changing number he had the others memorized. They didn’t realize I was his daughter. I was providing home daycare to 6 children and again home alone when that call came. I couldn’t even go to pieces at that moment of course I had to hold it together! Is it any wonder that I feel alone in a crowded room that the only person I trust is my husband who is amazing. Is it wierd that i still just want to talk to my mom. Get advice from her even though I am now 39. How long will the pain stay with me! I lobe my children and my husband but I feel I have lasting effects that will never go away!

  87. My dear dad 8 months ago after beeing sick for just 2 months. The trauma of watching him going from a strong man to death in just 2 months is something that will take me a long time to recover from. I am like Kelly haunted by wathing him die.
    I am 46 and I got a few underlying “get over it” also. Did not help on my pain and only made me keep it more to myself. But it’s still there!

  88. Hi

    I lost my mother at the age of 41. I have moved to the US to get a PhD at 23 and came back home just two years before she passed way.

    I have a new job I am in a town and I guess I finally discovered how cruel people are. Individual experiences are individual: no one has the right to ridicule the other. I am a VERY strong person: just taking two luggages and leaving your own home just that requires strength.

    I hope one day–it has been 5 months–those who have not lost their mother mourn less of a pain as it is unbearable

  89. My father died very quickly from esophageal cancer when I was 19 in 2003. The next year my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer that went into remission, and returned 2 1/2 years ago. She died this past October after becoming more sick in the late summer. We went in to get her chemotherapy a week in October, and we were told they could not safely administer treatment. They thought she had a month. She was gone in one week. She was just 48. It was something we never expected would happen just like that.

    I’m 26 and I had been living at home, while going to grad school, and still trying to get my feet on the ground form the tumultuous years we had already endured. I am now left with my 15 year old sister to look after while I continue to try to make something of my life. I am lucky to have aunts and my boyfriend to help. We’ve actually just planned on getting engaged next winter. If it were only 4 months ago, I would have been able to share this, anything, with my mother. I wonder how I will plan my wedding, how I will pick out my dress, how I will gush about how amazing my future husband is when she is not here. I wonder how it will feel to have a baby that will never be held in her grandmother’s arms. I can just picture how wonderful that would be. It’s hard enough just thinking of her jokes and the funny ways about her without bursting into tears. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever known. I wonder if this will ever get easier. I fear this this the beginning of a lifetime of constant grieving.

    I’m sad, but also grateful that there are other daughters/sons that are out there, and know exactly what it means, how it feels, to lose your mother, yourself.

    • Brittany- My name is also Brittany, and I feel your pain. I just found this blog while sitting in my bed, trying to sleep, yet again. I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I am 27 yrs old and I lost my dad, to stage IV brain cancer, when I was 18 (he was only 46). My mom was his caretaker for the 3 mos he lived post diagnosis. Then, several years later my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She went through endless treatments & surgeries, but her cancer was super aggressive. It spread to her liver, which ultimately led to a sudden and awful liver failure that took her life this past july. I have a younger sister who is only 22. We are struggling, because we will have to sell our home soon, and we feel so lost. I feel that no one will ever understand. But, I know that you, and many other people on this blog, do understand. I started writing a book for people in our unfortunate situation. I hope you are able to find happiness and wish you all the best in the future!

      • Brittany, I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad and your Mom. I can’t imagine how hard that must be and then to wade through the business side of things just must be so overwhelming. Sending you ((((hugs)))) and praying for you. I would love to read your book when it’s finished.

        Val

  90. Brittany–I read every single comment here. I’m so sorry for the loss of both of your parents. I very much understand you freelings. In some ways, it does mean you’re in for a lifetime of constant grieving. It never really stops, BUT, it gets gentler. And the memories become less torturous and more sustaining. I still miss my Mom every day. Just last week I was saying that it makes me so mad that I still need her SO MUCh and she isn’t here, but… I keep putting one foot in front of the other and going on. They gave us the strength to do that you know?

    ((((hugs)))) to you. You are NOT alone in this.

    • Thank you for your reply, and thank you for creating this page. You and everyone else here have been able to verbalize a lot of the feelings I can’t begin to describe.

  91. Thank you for blogging this. My mother just died at the end of Dec in 2009…I am an only child, and my father passed away a few years ago. I feel so alone. I am engaged, and I have the best fiance in the world who I love immensely. We’ve both had the carpet pulled out from under us with my mom’s death…Sadly, I just don’t know if I care about anything I’ll do in the rest of my life now…my career, getting married, having kids, etc…I just don’t know if I’ll care to do those things now–They seem less meaningful to me now. Life feels too big and too difficult and too lonely. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. My fiance and I moved back to my hometown (a place I hate, by the way) and in with my mom so I could be near her and take her with us wherever we moved to in the future. My mom wasn’t sick, and she died suddenly and completely unexpectedly. My other family–cousins and aunts, haven’t been helpful or understanding or even kind to me in some cases, and I don’t live anywhere near most of my family. (The funeral planning process was made a nightmare by a meddlesome and manipulative aunt who was just awful and made my other family hysterical–I comforted them. I’ve not yet really gotten any sort of condolence from my mom’s sisters for *my* loss and was told that this would be a “growing process” for me.) I don’t know how to continue on or what to do with my life now. Life feels so bland and worthless. It helps to know that there are others feeling this way too–that I’m not alone that way, although I’m so sorry that everyone here has had this happen to them too. I am in my early 30s…I feel about 5 years old right now…totally orphaned and scared and just awful. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. Thank you for creating this page.

  92. I just happened to stumble across this and I am so glad I did. My father died in 2007 when I was 31. What you wrote really hit home for me in many ways. I just wanted to say thank you. :)

  93. I just want to say thank you.
    I lost my Mum last year, it will be one year on the 27th of this month. I was 21. I just turned 22 and having my first birthday without her was painful to say the least.

    I am not married yet and have no children, and the thought of those things happening in my life now without her is so heartbreaking.

    I have am a photographer and am currently working on a project of portraits of people who have lost a parent young, like myself. I feel it is something that is not spoken of enough and that so many people don’t realise the immense gap that we now have in our lives and in everything we do.

    Just researching for this project I agree there is a lot of information for people who have lost a parent as a child or teenager, and rightly so, but for someone of my age I have had a lot of trouble finding anything.
    We have lost so many years we could have had with that parent that most do, I have lost a best friend and a guider once I begin my career, get married and have children.

    So many of these comments give relation and comfort, thank you everyone.

    Thank you for writing this x

  94. while I have not lost my mother, I lost my mother in law 4 months ago and I was very close with her. she helped me out at a really crutial stage in my life, when my own parents couldn’t be there for me. A lot – not all – but a lot of what you said I can relate to. I won’t get to have Irene grandparent my kids – and we are her only kids that won’t get the opportunity to have her in that role. I am also just getting ready to leave university which is a huge step into the adult world and all the changes going on are so magnified because of this. It really is a difficult stage in life to loose someone! Also, on top of that I get the “oh, it was just your mother in law” Yes, it in no way compares to loosing a parent, but I really did think of her as a mother with all my heart. Now, my husband’s father is interested in someone, and I don’t particularly get along with said lady’s daughter, so its all very confusing and is not making my navigation into adulthood all that smooth. Its like I grieve both the loss of my mother in law and the loss of normalcy all at the same time. Nothing will ever be the way it was – the “perfect family” I married into started to disintigrate the moment Irene left us, and the loss of that dream is hard to take – one sister in law has gone off the deep end and estranged herself and my husband’s brother and wife decided to move clear accross the country ( great timing!).That family dynamic there once was isn’t there anymore. As a young married couple we need support that has been torn from underneath us, and we instead have had to become the supporters. Yes, I am adult, but I’m a developing adult and i’ve been asked to grow up a little too fast!

  95. This has really helped me understand a lot of things. My mother died almost 6 weeks a go and I, like you, am an only child and 23. I don’t have a father really either so losing her was like the end of my world. This has helped me and I have now ordered one of the books you talked about. Anything to help I appreciate right now. All though I am not pregnant, I will be eventually and it saddens me to think my mother will not physically be there to see grandchildren she always so desperately wanted. However i do believe she will be here in another form. Thank you for this post. It is truly life affirming

  96. minha mae foi embora dia 08/04/2010 muito rapido ainda estou tentando entender o que aconteceu sei que essa dor nao passa mas que ameniza com o tempo pois o senhor jesus e meu auxilio e minha força

  97. Thank you for your blog. I could really relate to your situation. I lost my mother suddenly in October of 2008 when I was only 28. Three weeks later I learned that I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first child, the baby that my husband and I had been desperately trying to conceive for over a year. The pregnancy, really helped me to get through my year at work; before I found out I was pregnant, I was so distraught that I felt I couldn’t handle working and needed to take a leave of absence. despite the fact that I felt I had something to look forward to, I struggled with grief, especially when I thought of how my baby (and babies to come) would never know their grandmother. I thought to myself, isn’t this something that I should be experiencing much later in life?

    When my son was born I went through the grieving process all over again. I began to panic in realization that my mother was no longer here and I was going to have to mother my child without her encouragement and guidance. It was such a dark time in my life when it should have been the happiest!

    It has been over a year now since my mother’s death and it’s difficult to believe that my son is almost a year old! I thought that I would be grieving a lot less now, but I still have moments of extreme sadness and shock that my mom is gone. I still dream of her often and wake up crying. I know that I am an adult now, but I am still learning how to be a mother and I feel robbed of precious time that I should have been able to have with her.

  98. I’m a 26 yr old mother of 2 baby girls.. i lost my only parent.. my mother.. my best friend in August she was only 44. I feel like I’m dying from the inside out. She was diagnosed with Leukemia when I was 3 and fought for life alone until i was old enough to help take care of her.. she was my mate as i was hers.. my better half.. my momma. I spent countless nights sleeping in cots in her hospital rooms.. we would talk about life and love and our plans for the future.. we did everything together.. where she was, there I was.. pushing her in her bright red transport chair. Everything was going OK until her heart stopped beating one morning. The one morning i had to work an early shift. I never had the early shift. ever. but that one day.. that one day. It had to happen that day. she died. and I wasn’t there. i wasn’t there. i wasn’t there. it took the nursing staff 8 mins to bring her back. I sat there for 2 weeks straight holding her hand. waiting. praying. sobbing as i am right now. she never said good bye. she’s gone and took my heart with her. it’s been 8 months. the pain is as strong as the day her heart stopped. Losing a mother is so painful. the emptiness inside. the sadness. .. .

  99. I seen this website by googling it and i figured i would write my recent experience on here and maybe people could help me to get threw this. On May 21,2010 my mom, my fiance, and me were driving to new york to see family that was sick. There was a car and it tried in merge into out lane and caused us to swirve and when my fiance went to get back over from swirving the suv rolled several times and my fiance and mom were ejected from the vehicle. I was not, the suv was flipped upside down and they were laying in the middle of the interstate. I was 19 weeks pregnant at the time. the baby and i survived and my fiance did to with a broken back, broken hand, staples, and bruising to the body. My mom however did not make it and died in the helicopter. its been a month now and im still going crazy trying to figure out why things like this happen. She was so excited to have her youngest child (me) having her first grandbaby. She wanted nothing more but to hold her grandson and i feel like she was robbed of that. Her husband and her have only been married 11 months and the entire family is lost without her and im not sure how to keep dealing with this and understand why it happened to my mom.

  100. Thank you all for posting this. I am 26 and an only child. i have been married for a year and a half. three weeks before my wedding, my mother was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and was so sick that she was unable to attend my full wedding. i had never been so angry and bitter about something like that in my life. three weeks later she went into septic shock… as a miracle she survived. She lived a comfortable 9 months at home and enjoying life, in that time I discovered i was pregnant..we waited three months to tell her, she has all these plans to take care of the baby, to stay over at my house before i go into labour, to babysit etc. we were all getting pretty excited, 2 months ago she went into the hospital complaining of not feeling well. when they opened her up they found that her cancer was back and had attached itself to her intsetine. As of last week they informed us that there was nothign left to do for her, but keep her comfortable in the hospital. i am 8 months pregnant. it kills me a little each day to know that she will not be present to see her first grandchild being born, that she will not be able to do all the things that we planned on doing. I know that she feels this way too… and i wish that i could somehow fix it…. there is nothing that i can do for her and i feel so helpless… i have such a desperate feeling inside of me, that she will get better and beat the odds… I try to be positive and tell myself that she has beaten odds before maybe she will now. i worry about being truly happy in my life and being the best mother for my son, while dealing with the inevitable greif.

    thank you all for sharing your stories, it’s nice to know that i am not alone out there.

  101. “And then there are those in early adulthood who *haven’t* started a family. Those who will miss having their parents there to walk them down the aisle or to hear the words, “I’m pregnant.” No one could convince a person dealing with those issues that whatever number makes one an adult makes the loss of those milestones with your parent any less tragic.”

    when i read that..i started to cry..i lost my father last month on july 24th to small cell lung cancer…i am 17 and the baby of the family..me and my father had a very close relationship..n in his last few months got even closer..not a day goes by i dont think of him…i always think of how my wdding day is going to be with out him there…i think of all the things hell miss out on…n when ever i try to talk to someone about it i get the same answer…it will get easier..atleast hes not suffering…and i always feel selfish after..because i feel like im only thinking of myself wen i think about those things..and not him…

  102. Your blog was one of the first things to come up on Google when I typed “Grief dealing with a loss of mother when newly pregnant”

    I am 27. My husband and I found out I was pregnant on August 29th. This last Wednesday, Sept. 8th, I got a phone call from my mom telling me she was in the hospital.

    She was diagnosed with breast cancer last October. She wanted to try alternative, natural treatments and told me and my brother that her doctor said she had time to do it. Well, it’s been almost a year and she had been working hard at her natural treatments and thought it was going well. Until the past few weeks she was in a lot of pain.

    Since Wednesday she has declined very rapidly and now we are getting ready to take her to hospice house for her final days. She can no longer communicate and it all happened in a matter of a few days. The cancer has spread to her liver, kidneys and bones so it is too late for chemo.

    I forced myself to go to my first doctor appointment for the baby today even though Mom is dying in the hospital right now. It is indescribable to be faced with losing my best friend and beloved mother, and becoming a mother myself. Honestly I don’t know how to make it through. But reading your blog made me realize I’m not alone.

  103. I was searching for “what is a normal way and time period to grieve for a parents death” and your post came up. I’m extremely sorry for your loss. It is never easy or normal to lose a parent at your age or any. The whole reason for my search to begin with is because I’m currently 24 years old. As of right now the only living relative I have is my sister who is 21. The first death in my family was my dad at 11 years old (heartattack), the next was my grandmother 3 months later (cancer), my mothers death followed 8 months later (chirrosis of the liver). As bad as this sound, furnerals were becoming a common occurence and by 12 I knew exactly what it took to plan a funeral. what I am worried about at this point is I still to this day have not grieved or was never emotionally devestated by any of those deaths. I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up and it will hit me like a ton of bricks. This can’t be normal but then again is there a normal reaction for a child who has lost both parents by the age of twelve. The man who raised me, my grandfather died my first day of nursing school. I was 19 years old. Although this one affected me more than the others there was very little emotional reaction. I’m assuming because I adopted my 16 year old sister and worried about being strong for her. This was the LAST family member we had left. I completed nursing school and got my sister through high school. I am worried that i either never let my self grieve or I am just a cold mean person. I have a successful career and am extremely happy with my life. What scares me is I will wake up one day and go through the process of grieving for all the deaths in my life. surely never shedding a tear over the death of my parents is NOT normal. I know i must sound like a horrible person but I’m being honest and am completely baffled as to why i am like this. Most people seem to be devastated by the death of one of their parents. rightly so. Many people say it takes years to get through all the feelings of a parents death so what is wrong with me and when will i be able to grieve for my parents and loved one that are gone? I am glad i found this post. It shows i am not alone in wondering what it would be like to have my father walk me down the isle at my wedding, or to have pictures of them and i on my graduation day, or who do i call when i have a brand new baby that I’m scared i wont know what to do to take care of. I never knew this many people had lost a parent at a young age. I’m sorry for everyone’s loss and it does give me encouragement that when i do come to grips i don’t have my parents i can and will get through it. I hope.

  104. I’m so glad to have stumbled across your posting. I lost my mom at 29. I was married,just bought our first house and she died… its now five years later – I am now divorced :) living on a new coast embarking on a new career and am proud and happy with the woman I’ve become – the only thing missing is sharing this experience with her.

    thank you again for making me feel im not alone in this :)

  105. I feel for all of you. I lost my father to brain cancer in 2002. He was 46 yrs old and I was 18, just starting college. My mother was then diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago. She had her first recurrence last year, followed another round of chemo and numerous surgeries. She just started recovering this past summer and we thought she was going into remission. Two weeks ago, we received the news that her cancer came back and had spread to her liver. She started chemo again and has been in tremendous pain. The reality is that she probably does not have much time left. I am 26 and my sister is 20. We are both so scared and devastated about the impending loss of another parent. I don’t think that I will be able to handle this again.
    I have found some comfort in everyone’s words on this site and wish all of you the best. Stay strong.

  106. I lost my mother 7 months ago to cancer, She had battled the disease for 17 years and was always looked at by everyone as a ‘miracle’, and thus thinking that she would always ‘fight back’ has left me shocked and feeling so alone.
    I am 24 and don’t remember too much of when my mum was well. It’s as though I have a ‘normal’ life now. Not having this person to protect and look after. Now I only have me. I miss her reassuring words and the wisdom of her life.
    I currently do not have a partner in my life or children and I feel so very alone. I have my sisters but that is all. I know I have not yet peaked in my grief. I feel it will only get so much harder when I get married and have children, something she knew I would be good at, why wouldn’t I be good a being a mum, because I had her as my amazing teacher.
    You have your good days and you have your bad days, today is dark and gloomy and all I want to do is go to my family home and climb onto her bed and get hugs…I will pull through, I know she is here with me.

    • I feel your pain as well. I am 28 and am in the same boat as you with no parnter or family left but trust me YOU WILL BE BREAT WITH YOUR OWN. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO ADVERTISE MYSELF FOR A YOUNG GUY LOOKING TO BE ADOPTED BY A LOVING FAMILY. SOMETIMES I WILL WALK OUTSIDEOF MY HOUSE LOOK AT MY NEIGHBORS AND THINK HOW COOL IT WOULD BE IF I COULD BE IN A FAMILY LIKE THAT. ITS JUST COMFORTING TO BE AROUND FAMILY

  107. As all the other posts, I also lost my mother, five years ago this Christmas. She fell down a flight of stairs carrying my son when he was two. After a week in intensive care, my family was told she had lost most of her brain function and would never recover. We made the decision to let her go the day after Christmas. Now the years have passed by and I feel emotionally wretched. I’m not sure why now, that all these years have passed, that I feel the agony all over. It is true, as others have said, when your mother dies, no matter what the cause, it is brutal. It is comforting to know I’m not loosing my mind, but like everyone here, I’m not sure there are any words for comfort.
    To everyone that has lost a parent: the pain of your heart is felt in mine.

  108. I lost my mother who was also my best friend when I was 22 years old, the semester before I graduated college. She passed away from brain cancer after a long 18 year battle. She was definately a fighter. I had a great relationsip with my father until he met his new wife who I believe pushed him away from me. He hung up on me when I said I didnt really care if his wife came to the funeral or not; it was actually the first time I stuck up for myself. I thought ok Im on my way to make the funeral arraingments for my mom and my father wants to argue about whether his wiffe should com or not and I said look I really dont care to argue right now so he just simply hung up and didnt show of course. Then i decided to be the bigger person and invite him to my college graduation; which I paid for myself and he still didnt show. Anyways Im now 28 years old and am still not over the fact that my mom is gone, she always knew how to make things better for me and its tough because I dont have many friends who have gone through losing parents and to make matters worse I started taking pills to numb the pain and became addicted. So Im working on getting over that issue. My sister is pretty much all I have left but she has her own family now and has told me that I need to just get over it(losing my mom). I think that really made me resent her almost like I cant share my feelings with her. Aftermy mom passed my grandparents really went downhill because they had already lost a previous child to HIV. I tried to take care of them for 2 monhs after I graduated but I just couldnt do it. This is a great blog and thank you for letting me share.

  109. Thanks for your words. I was 12 when my father died of a heart attack, and 27 when my mother died this past March of vascular dementia. I so appreciated hearing validation and well-thought out ideas about how it is different than other stages of life when a person loses a parent. I have read things about grieving a parent, but so much of it is centered on the sandwich generation. Thank you for giving words to “our” issues, too.

  110. My grief has been in two phases. The first began 20 yrs. ago in Jan. 1988 when I was 24. I was 7 months pregnant with my first child when my mother had a stroke. She was only 60. She remained in a semi-conscious coma and was uncommunicative for 14 months. She had been so excited since she first found out I was pregnant and had told me I would have a boy. I know she remained alive those 14 months just to know that her first grandchild (a son) was born and to see him brought to her, watch videos of him (which made her shed tears down her face) and hear stories of his milestones. I cannot express the devastation I felt when she died. I was so numb that I have blocked a lot of it from my memory. I do remember though it was the first time I saw my father cry. I was fortunate to have my siblings but mostly I am thankful for my father. He had just lost his wife and soul mate of 40 yrs. Together we got through it and grew closer because of it. Then, 20 years later, came grief phase two. Dad became ill in April 2009. It took 5 months before doctors were able to diagnose him with a rare form of lymphoma. I was now his rock and accompanied him to every doctor’s appointment, procedure and test. As he grew weaker I helped him dress. When his skin became itchy I rubbed his back with lotion. When he developed a blood clot in his leg, I gave him daily blood-thinning injections. I sat with him during his chemo treatments. I never thought twice about it. He needed me and I loved him; it’s just what you do for someone. He thanked me all the time for what I did for him. I told him that if the tables were turned, I knew he would do the same for me. He agreed and I saw him cry then for the first time since my mother’s funeral. He lost his battle in November 2009 one month before his 83rd birthday. The loss of my father feels even worse than my mother’s if that’s possible. I had 20 more years with him to become a special friend. It’s almost like the more years you have with a parent makes the hole left by their loss even deeper. It’s been a year since my dad passed. I missed him at my son’s college graduation, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. He would have been the first person I called when my daughter got her driver’s license. There are so many events and milestones that he won’t be a part of. I’m sad that I am now officially an orphan. No matter how old you are, you always need your parents. Thanks for listening.

  111. I am sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face reading this.
    I lost my mother when I was 22. I am 25 now and I can really relate to a lot of what people have said here. I feel that when I am away from the family home (120 miles from where I live), I can cope really well. I think about my mother, but it doesn’t really upset me anymore.
    However, when I travel home for the holidays, or a weekend, memories come rushing back.
    Christmas just gone I spent a total of 3 nights at my dad’s, which was nice. But he has just started seeing someone else. I am meeting her for the first time in 2 days and I am terrified. I hope I like her, but everytime I think about it I start crying. I don’t really know how I am feeling, but it isn’t good. I just hope that it’s something I can get through and be a better, wiser person for it.

  112. As I have already stated above, I just lost my mother unexpectedly three weeks ago. I am only 22 and feel like a part of me has been ripped out of me. She was who I turned to when ANY problem arose. She was truly my BEST Friend. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital and they thought it was her gallbladder or a hernia, and that we could see her soon as she was in a room as told to me by my sister while I was on the thirty mile drive. I was on my way when she was already inside the hospital. I found the room and she lie there dead from a massive heart attack. She had died in the ambulance and no one had the heart to tell us. Now, already suffering from depression and anxiety disorder, this has put me into a major tail spin. Being the youngest of five, I have no children yet, and knowing that my mother won’t be here to meet them and love them is just tearing me apart.

  113. My mother passed away last week and I’m so sad. I feel like I have a broken heart. She had kidney cancer and had both kidneys removed and was on dialysis. Recently, she found out she had a tumor in her spine which left her paralyzed and caused a bed sore. She went into a LTAC facility and begin a battle with multiple drugs low blood pressure infection from the bed sore and pain from the spinal tumor. She was fine one day and unresponsive the next we spent many months in the LTAC and I was sure things would get better. Every day I would sit by her side and help her eat, take baths and just talk to her. I miss her so much I feel like I can’t go on with life I always wonder what if I’d done something different maybe a different facility more proactive in staying on the doctors I just wonder what if. When she died I was by her side and I kissed her hand and told her I loved her I pray to God she knew I was there and was without pain. This is the most hurtful time in my life and I don’t know what to do. I feel sadness, guilt and anger that more could not be done for her to be with me. Everyone tell me she’s at peace and without pain but I just want to just talk to her and share moments with her and I feel no one understands how close we were and how I feel so empty now.

    • I feel your pain Nicole. It will be 7 years this year since my mom has passed away from brain cancer and I still think about her everyday…People will tell you a lot of thing such as time will heal but time will not heal….To be honest I still havent figured out how to deal with it because it hurts everyday but DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!Just do things in life that she would want you to do and MAKE HER PROUD because she is watching you!

  114. I lost my wonderful mother this past Wednesday. She had been suffering of several illnesses for the past 12 yrs but she would always recover and go home. I have a 2 yrs-old boy whom she adored but was never able to play with him as she would’ve wanted because of her poor physical condition. I am now pregnant with a baby girl, and she was just extremely excited to welcome to our lives. Her passing has made a hole in my life, heart and soul. I never had a father, they divorced when I was just 3 months old. From there on my lovely mother took care of my by herself, only with the help of my grandparents and uncle. I have a great support system and a loving husband but the pain and grief is just undescribable. I find myself not able to stop crying and mourning her recent death. I feel life cheated me because we still had so mamy moments to live together. I feel she left too soon and I just wasn’t able to say good-bye to her. I still got 3 more months till my baby’s arrival, I really don’t even want to think about not having her by my side that moment. She was my best friend in the whole world and I miss her every second.I sure hope this wound will heal quick because this pain is just too overwhelming.

  115. It is so nice to see something written which expresses some of the feelings I am ashamed of after losing my mum – the fact that she wont be there when I get married, or have my first child. At times I thought myself to e selfish in thinking this.

    My mum died suddenly when I was 19 (I am now 21). I currently feel overcome with the many issues she isnt here to accompany me through life. I feel selfish and angry for the fact that she is not here and the fact that I never got the chance to have an adult relationship with her – Im in my final year of university and doing really well, I just wish she was here to attend my graduation. Im not sure how Im going to cope without her being there – I have worked so hard despite the trauma that I have been feeling.

    I am thinking of seeking counselling to assess some of the issues I have, have you had any counselling and if you have do you feel as if it has helped you?

  116. Thank you all for all your comments, this has been a great help. I found this web site coming up to my mum’s first anniversary April 2011. I’ve been crying as i read all of your thoughts.

    I’m 36 years old, and my mum died suddenly within a day of going into hospital. She had had other underlying illnesses, but her death was incredibly sudden. I had just moved back to the other side of the world 3 months earlier with my husband and was 11 weeks pregnant with our first child. We had been home for 2 years to be near my failing parents.

    I regret so much… I didn’t get to tell her I was pregnant as I was waiting for week 12. My aunt told her I was pregnant that night as she was dying.
    I didn’t get home on time to be with her as she died. She never saw or met my son, who is now a thriving 5 month old baby.

    I think of her all the time. It has been such a tough year, and yet an incredible year with the birth of my son I realise how much she gave for all of us. I wish she could just hold him and see him smile. I miss her so much.

    Thanks for setting up this blog

  117. My dad passed away 6 weeks ago after fighting Leukemia for 11 years. I had a difficult relationship with my dad as a child and had just got to really know him as a person in the last couple of years. Knowing he will never be able to walk me down the aisle or see his grand kids is just heartbreaking. I miss him so much and have found it strange that people assume because you are an adult ( I’m 32 yrs old ) you should just suck it up and move on. Even my Nanna told me three days after dad passed that she was glad I was finally getting a hold of myself and was over it.
    Not having dad to go to for advice when I need it is quite scary but I feel he is keeping an eye out on me where ever he is and is giving me a friendly nudge in the right direction when I need it.
    I miss him every day and hope he knows how much I love him.

  118. I lost my mother in October last year when I was 40 weeks pregnant. I almost died giving birth to my daughter just 2 weeks after losing my own mother. How do you recover from that?

    • Jodie–Be gentle with yourself. I’m so sorry this all happened. You will recover and life will never be the same but it will be good again. Believe that.

  119. I am 23 and my little brother is 21. Our mom just recently passed away on April 15, 2011, she was only 52. She was diagnosed in 2006 with Scleroderma (an autoimmune disease which has no cure).

    Everything happened so fast, we went into the hospital April 2, 2011 because my mom had a lung infection, and they told me we would only be there for a few days to a week. But by April 4, 2011 she was in ICU on a vent, that was the last time I ever got to talk to her, to tell her I love her. I just wish I had more time, I definitely did not see this coming. Just the day before we were watching movies in the hospital room and I was sneaking her Starbucks Ice Cream.

    When Mom went into ICU, I had to call the Red Cross to get my brother back into the States, he is a Marine and was on a Navy Ship in the Pacific helping Japan.

    I can’t explain how I feel, it still has not hit me entirely, sometimes I’m hysterical crying and then I feel fine, until I pick up my phone to call her or want to tell her or ask her something.

    I think I selfishly miss her…I am graduating Law School next year and she was already planning my graduation party, I wanted her to be able to walk me down the isle at my wedding with my father, and I wanted her to enjoy being a grandmother. I feel cheated, we were just becoming “friends” and I was just learning how amazing of a PERSON my mother really is.

    All I want to do is sleep, instead I have to study for finals. I want to be able to cradle my little brother as her cries, but he had to go back to the Marines.

    I am not looking for sympathy, or even comments, I just needed to express how I am feeling without anyone interrupting me or telling me they understand. I also get enraged when people ask me “how are you?”, I know it comes from a good place, but honestly how do you think I am doing? So I politely say “fine” or “I’m hanging in there” instead of going on for an hour how I am devastated, heartbroken, that my world is shattered and feel empty and sick to my stomach.

    Thank you for allowing me to vent. I am so sorry that all of you have also had to feel this unbearable pain.

    • I am 23 too. My mom just died on April 25th at 52. She had multiple sclerosis. I’m an only child…And I’m in college, about to graduate. I just wanted to tell you… everything you said…everything…is exactly how I’m feeling too.

      • I’m so sorry you too have to feel this pain. I’m going to start going to the free counseling at my school, I’m sure your college also has it. Good luck with everything!

  120. Glad I found this website. I am a new dad, well we have a two year old son, and our second son is due this August. My 59 year old dad was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago, and this week he moved into our house for hospice care, being told he has about two weeks left to live. As I am sure most of you know from experience, it is hard to find words to describe the array of emotions and difficulties involved. We are just trying to make the best of it, and enjoy the little time we have. I just started my RN residency, and fortunately my boss is very supportive and has given me a couple weeks off without worry of losing my job. So many things I want to do with and for my dad that will not happen. Yesterday he thanked me for “holding his hand on the walk to the end”. I have never felt the essence of being a son, a husband and a father as I do now. While I have found clarity and perspective on life and what matters, I am not ready to lose my dad. Lots of “I” statements there, but it isn’t about me. Best wihes to all of you.

  121. Tonight, after I got home from work, my dad wanted to talk to my husband and me at the same time. The news: The cancer has progressed rapidly in the past 2 months and is now covering 75% of her liver. Instead of 3 years of life expectancy, she has weeks to a month or two.
    Devasted, knowing that this is not the news we wanted to hear, but had an inkling that it would come.
    It will be two years in August since my mom has been diagnosed with colon cancer. The past couple of months have been a little rough. She is a new grandmother of a 6 month old boy. Our son is the first for my parents. I can’t seem to bear the thought of not talking to my mother everyday! I can’t bear the thought of my father without her. I have never seen a man love a woman more than my father loves my mother! I worry about him! The are both in there late 50s and shouldn’t have to go through this! My son won’t know his gran, won’t remember, will only have photos!
    We saw her last week, she looked as if she has withered away in a matter of weeks since we saw her last. It broke my heart as well as her’s to know that she was too weak to hold her beautiful grandson!
    I hate to rant on, but I know that this news is too new for me, and I will be ready to talk to my 3 siblings and husband soon enough… but right now, I just can’t seem to bring myself to even think about it! I just want to say thank you for letting me use this blog as an outlet for me to say what I can’t say yet outloud!
    -greer

  122. Greer–

    Your post breaks my heart and brings back so many memories for me. My oldest daughter was 4 months old when I lost my Mom to lung cancer–the genesis of this post. Part of me says, “At least she got to see one of my kids,” but it just seems like the most evil kind of robbery that it was for such a short time and that I only have memories of Mom holding her. I also know how heartbreaking it is to have your Mama struggle to hold the baby because of her weakness.

    I’m so sorry you are here and having to digest this news. I hurt with you and for you. I wish you strength and grace in the days ahead.

  123. Hello Everyone,
    For the past 9 months I have read all your posts and used them to find comfort in my greiving process. My mother died 10 days after my son was born. I am 26 years old and an only child, I have my husband for support, but its not quite the same. My mom was my best friend and she got sick right before I got married (she missed the weddin) then she was in remission and last year at this time she went bavk into the hospital and never came out. I am thankful that she got to meet him and hold him, but I often feel cheated for my son. He won’t get to know his grandmother who loved him so much. I feel cheated as I commence a new chapter in my life alone without my mothers guidance and support. I cry at least once everyday and I often dread new “firsts”. I wish someone could say to me that the pain goes away, but I am not sure that I would believe them. I am sorry to all of you who have gone thru this, I cabt believe how many people share my story, it is heart breaking but comforting at the same time.

  124. My mom just passed away a couple of weeks ago unexpectedly. I found this site while searching online for information that might help guide me during this difficult time. My loss is still so new that I have not yet made sense of it and feel it will take a long time to come to terms with it.

    I just want to thank you for posting this on your website and for all the readers who have shared their stories. It is comforting in a way to know that others have gone and are going through this. I don’t have any friends who have lost their parents and I never imagined I would loose my mom. I was not at all prepared for this to happen and am trying to get through one moment at a time. Its just hard trying to accept a loss of a young, healthy and happy person who brought so much joy to the world.

  125. I am 22 Years old. I lost my father when I was 18. He was my everything he is the only man in the world I couldnt trust. I now have 2 kids, who has never met him. I think about it alot and cry, he would have loved my babies. I show them pictures and everytime I pull them out they know who he is, but it isnt the same. I wish he was here so bad.
    He died Nov 29 2006 from pancreatic cancer. We didnt find out until Oct 30th that he had it and a month later he was gone. The doctors told us 6 months. The day he died my WHOLE world changed. I didnt sleep for 4 days and when I did I slept for a day in a half. It’s been 5 years this Nov and it still feels like yesterday. I plant flowers at his grave and go see him but it messes up my whole week because all I want to do is cry. The day he died I was sitting outside and my little came to the door and told me to call 911 and when they got the emt, they couldnt find a pulse. When he was on his way to the hospital he looked bad really bad and once he got to the hospital he was fine and was up walking talking drinking coffee and laughing. I am thinking ok just another false alarm, UNTIL my mother called me a few hours later and when I was on the phone with her I heard he scream and the phone drop my dad had a stroke and bleeding. SHE called me back 30 mins later and told me to get to the asap. We had to figure out if we wanted him on life support. As bad as I didnt want him to go . I didnt want to see him in pain either. I kept thinking the whole way there if I say yes would that me selfish but if I say no what if he will get better. But we thought it was best not to have him on it and he died 1102pm that night. I can remember EVERYTHING that happen that day that night a whole 3 weeks after but i cant even tel you what happen 3 weeks ago from today. Everyday I think about the night he died and it plays over and over and I have no idea how to get it out of my mind. I dont want to forget about my daddy, but I dont want to keep remembering him that way laying in the bed sick and in pain and ready to die. It drives me crazy thinking about it. ALLLL THE TIME.

  126. I am truly glad I found this. I am 32 and I lost my mother at the age 27. She passed away without any warning. She was a single mom. She was not only my world, but my mom, my dad, and my rock. She had me very young. We always would butt heads. She was just getting over her so called mid life crises when her life was cut short due to a violent man. It haunts me everyday to not have any closure. It doesn’t matter how old you are. I stayed strong for my younger siblings through it. I took in a four year old sister, a nineteen year old, and I had my kids as well. It still hurts to go day to day without them. I would hear or see something she would have an opinion about everyday of my life.

  127. I’m so glad I found this. I’m not sure what I was looking for but I think I found it here. I just lost my mom (and my stepdad, who was amazing as well) on May 28, they were both killed in a plane crash. I’m 22 and she was/is (not even sure which one to use at this point) my best friend.The thing that seems to really set off the tears is that she won’t know my children. She was a nurse with preemie babies and she would have been amazing with them. She was so excited about grandkids, but she never rushed it on me and my husband.

    I’m a military wife as well (another reason I am SO glad I found this) and on her last visit to see me, there was a mom on her flight who was going to see her daughter who was in labor. We joked about how with her luck, we’d be stationed in Japan or some far away place when the time comes and she’d just have to come out a few weeks ahead of time, just in case. I hate that she won’t be there.

    Man. My husband left for the field today and this is the first night I’ve been alone since the accident…wasn’t planning to break down but this grief is definitely hitting me in waves that make me feel sick. Not sure where I’m going with this…just thank you. Thank you for sharing this, even if it was years ago, because you have helped me find you/your blog and so many others who really do know what I’m dealing with.

  128. Wow, so many experiences and so many shared emotions. Like others here, I lost my mom when I was 23 and she was 53, that was 24 years ago!!
    She missed everything and I missed here acutley when my children were born and adopted, when my first marriage crumbled.

    Losing her in that odd stage between child and full blown adult had repurcussions that lasted years. Mainly I lost my confidant and the one person I was closest to on this great earth, she was so much more than a friend she was my mother and I knew she loved me no matter how badly I misbehaved, lol.

    Having my children really cemented in how much she loved me, as I would lay down my life for them, I know she would have done the same for me, it is profound knowledge that really only comes with parenthood, I still miss her.
    As my children get older and I approach the age she was when she was diagnosed with cancer, I start thinking about my own mortality and the fear of leaving my own children creeps up on me in the dark hours of the evening. Knowing who my Lord and Savior is, helps me overcome these dark periods as well as my mom’s own indomitable spirit. She would tell me to get off my rear and stop mopping around, that I will see her soon enough and as she usually was, she is right.

    I try every day to live my life as a testament to my mother. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I am quick to forgive. I have learned to give hugs unasked for (she was really good at this, I wasn’t) and give praise. I can see in my own childrens eyes, they love me as much as I loved my own mother. For that I am grateful, I must have learned a lot of good things from my mother in that short 23 years.

    My mother’s name was Peggy, she died in August 1987. She is waiting for me, but she is also telling me to live my life in love and be fearless.

    I respond “I have and I love you and I still miss you”

    Your daughter,

    Nay

    • I’m so sorry that your Mum missed out on so much. I am 24, pregnant with number 1 and lost my Mum days ago. I know that I will always miss her but please tell me that it gets more bearable? That children help to mend you? The thought of my baby hurts so much as I just think of it being without my Mum.

  129. I am so thankful I found this blog. So much of what I have read has rang so true.

    My mom died when I was 23. She was sick for 6 years before she died. She had a genetic disease that made her liver fail, and we were told in 1999 that she had 3-5 years to live, and would need a liver transplant to survive. She took a turn for the worst in October of 2003, and was placed on the liver transplant list. By my college graduation in May of 2004, she was in a wheelchair and couldn’t walk. She went into the hospital the day after my graduation, and never came out.

    She received a liver transplant on July 1, 2004. Although it was initially successful, she suffered a massive heart attack 5 days later and was in a permanent vegetative state. She was on life support for 6 weeks before we made the decision to let her go. She passed away at the age of 47 on August 15, 2004. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath.

    My mom was my best friend in the entire world. I would talk to her on the phone every single day, several times a day, and she knew almost every detail of my life. I spent every second I could with her in the hospital – the staff pretty much hated me because I was around so much. I am also pretty much a clone of my mom – I look exactly like her, sound like her, act like her, etc… We were just basically close enough to be the same person. I don’t think I can, or will ever be, as close to anyone as I was to my mom. I know I am so blessed to have had a mom that I was so close to, but I will say that losing that has been absolutely brutal.

    Even though it has been almost 7 years, it still hurts, every single day. I feel so misunderstood, and still sometimes feel like it is all so unreal. I really do agree that people who lose their moms in their early/mid-twenties are the “forgotten about” group. I remember people saying to me “at least you don’t need your mom anymore, like you would if you were a teenager.” Nothing could be further from the truth – I’m 30 years old and I still need my mom every single day, and I will for the rest of my life. But I know her one wish is for me to be happy, and I try to live every day with that in mind.

    Love you Mom,

    Aim

  130. I’m 22. I just lost my dad. He hadn’t spoken to me for a year. He was dying because his body was failing because of alcoholism, and had developed extreme depression and wouldn’t leave his room. I wish I would’ve tried harder to talk to him. I wish I would’ve tried to take him to the doctor more. I knocked on the door to receive no answer. The last time I saw him, his door had accidentally opened when he had shut it when I came in the house. When the door swung open, I ran out of the house quickly to avoid confrontation with him. The blank look in his eyes was haunting. I’ll never see him again.

    I, too, have a two year old daughter. Some people, I suppose, think my loss should be minimized because I knew my dad was dying, and even more so because if I wanted to talk to him, I should have when he was alive. But my father had gone through drinking binges before, I thought this was one. I thought my daddy was going to get better. I didn’t think he was gone forever, that the rift would never be healed….

  131. I am 24, pregnant with my first, and lost my Mum 11 days ago. The pain is unbearable and unimaginable. It is something that people think they can sympathise with but you really can’t unless you have been there. I appreciate that it would be painful at any age but I cannot take any consolation from those who have lost their mothers much later in life, it just makes me jealous.
    I hope you have time to respond. I am sorry that we have this in common, it is truly awful.

    • Victoria, I am so very, very sorry. It is unbearable and unimaginable and no one can understand unless they’ve walked it.

      Sending you a huge hug and wishing for you to have the space that you need to feel what you need to feel.

    • Victoria,

      I found myself in the same place almost 3 years ago. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and my mom suddenly passed. We were amazingly close, so the loss was tremendous. We lived in separate cities, so I was too pregnant to travel and see her in her last days. The last time I saw her was at my baby shower. I delivered my daughter 7 days after she was gone. I absolutely understand the unbearable pain you are feeling, and I really mean that. It has been almost 3 years, I am reminded on my daughters birthday each year. For me, the pain is still unbearable, but it’s not everyday as it was when everything happened. I remember finding this site just a few days after she passed, when I thought about what I was going through, I just had to find others like me. I sat up for hours reading post after post after post. Even now, I still get the messages, and after reading them a couple of times a month…I don’t feel so alone.

      My advice to you is to feel the pain you are feeling, don’t push it down low as I did. Cry long and hard, then cry some more…it will get easier to deal with in time. It will never go away, but it will get easier. Just take it one day at a time. It’s a long journey, but you will get there. Also, just know, you are not alone.

      Sending big hugs!!

      • Thank you. I am only 4 months pregnant so have a while to go. It is hard to believe that things get easier. I am feeling so much pain. The excitement that I had for my future is gone, I can only torment myself with all the things that I and my future and existing family will miss out on.

        Does having your daughter bring you happiness again? I feel at the moment that any happiness brought to me by the baby will be dampened by the thought that my Mum is not around to share it.

    • I can relate I am 27 years old and 6 months pregnant and as I type this I am sitting by my dieing mothers bedside in the hospital. The doctors say she has days to weeks to live. She will never know the baby I’m carrying I had plans to get married and now I have to postpone the wedding because I don’t want to be married the same year my mom dies. I am beyond grief stricken. She is dieng because if liver failure because she drank too much. I tried so hard to help her but couldn’t.

  132. Victoria,

    I lost my mother 9 days after my son was born. I too feared that all happy moments would be overshadowed by my pain of missing my mother. My son is 10.5 months old and he brings me joy everyday, it doesn’t take away the pain and longing, but it does bring a new meaning to life when you are in the process of trying to find one.

    Your baby will bring you such joy and pride and they will give you a reason to wake up everymorning.

    You will have your moments of sadness when you wish you could share certain milestones and events with her, but you can feel proud knowing that she’s watching you.

    When you have your baby try to do things at home that remind you of her or do things the way she did. This helped me feel closer to her.

    You will be able to find that joy and amongst that joy you are allowed to feel sad… Make her proud by being the best mom you can be.

    Thinking of you

    Sam

    • I truly believe this is going to help me when the time does come that my mother passes and I’ll have the joy of my newborn baby girl to help me through. Thank you so much for this posting.

  133. My dad was diagnosed with liver cancer in january of this year(2011). I am 28 and have been very close to both my parents my whole life. Much closer to my dad the last 5 or 6 years as we have developed to be what I consider a very special adulthood bond. We learned very quickly that the cancer was considered terminal. The doctor gave hi 6 months. It is now august, I have spent the least 8 months telling my dad how much I love him, doing things we have never done before, spending everyday all the time we can together. It’s so painful to think about how we won’t be there to walk me down the aisle, which was something he said to me the night my parents told me about the diagnosis. It’s too painful to think about my future children and how he won’t be here to guide e through parenthood, or advise me through my future marriage. I am close with my mom, and I have an older brother, and feel thankful for them. I want you to know that you are not alone. I am not normally a super religious person, and my dad isn’t at all. I truly believe that we will all be together again. I hope my story brought you some comfort, as yours did me. Take care.

  134. I am so glad I found your page my dad has stage 4 lung cancer and is knock on wood doing alright but his is genetic so its a constant battle. I felt like I should prepare for the worst and your words are exactly what I am afraid of. I am glad I read this and I hope to be as strong as you are when the worst comes. Thank you for speaking your mind and I would love advice on how to cope (not sure if you have other posts) thanks again!

  135. I am 28 years old and my mother just took her own life. On my birthday. I had not spoken to her in 4 months, and the last words we shared were a fight. We were once so close, and at the end drifted so astray. The magnitude of this still has not set. I don’t blame myself, but this is something I will always carry and no level of catharsis, sharing, empathy seem to make any bit of difference as this weight crashes over me. This is in my hands forever, and I can’t throw it away.

  136. I am so happy I found this blog. Everything that you said, is everything that I have been feeling for the past 3 years. I lost my father three years ago to cancer when I was 24. I have felt the same as you-people think this is “normal” and to get over it. Yes, my dad was able to walk me down the aisle, attend my graduation, but there is so much that I have felt short-changed in. He will never be able to see the adult that I have turned into, see me graduate from college, or start a family. Those are the things that I struggle with. I struggle with not being able to tell him that I am pregnant, or to see him hold his grand child or to have him here to help me through some challenging times. After his death, I went through a very challenging time, not related to his death, and I desperately need him. I hate when people, who are trying to make you feel better, oh he is watching down on you-like that makes me feel any better. I understand that there are many people who have lost their parent’s at a younger age, and I feel for them, but at the end of the day that doesn’t make me feel any different about being short-changed. I have also found that it is hard to find other people who understand what it is like losing a parent in your early 20’s. There are people who try to relate to you about it, who are in their 60’s when they lost their parents, but I feel like it is so different from losing a parent in your 60’s to losing a parent in your early 20’s. I am not saying it is not hard to lose a parent when you are sixty, but you don’t have to face the issues that a 21 or a 24 old has to struggle with. I also feel like people don’t understand what it is like until they too have to face it.

  137. Reading this helped me. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007 and it has mets to her bones in 2010. I’m a young adult and my mom is my very best friend which makes this hard anyway. Making it even harder is that I just had a baby who is only a month old and my mom was just put on hospice a few days ago. I have faith in God and try my hardest to live the best Christian life i possibly can and right now I feel like I’m fading a little away from that. Not because I’m upset at God or anything like that at all. Its in a way I feel like I don’t have time for it with everything that is going on, and Iknow that that’s very dumb and not an excuse at all. the Good thing is my family and I and my mom are all extremely close so it makes this process a little easier in a way knowing that we are all there for each other. It saddens me to know that my mom may never be around to watch my daughter go to her first day of school or even see her get her first tooth. I know this is all in God’s will and I will see her again someday. It’s just hard knowing that in my worldly way I want her to stay here but I’m torn cause I want her to be with God also so she’s not in pain. Thank you so much for writing everything you did and Its nice reading everyone else’s posts also. Thanks :)

  138. Wow, I just read this and wished I would have done so over 2 years ago. I loss my mother unexpected in July 2010. My son was almost 4 months old too. My mother was providing childcare for him while I had returned to work 2 weeks prior to her death. I would practically see her daily and was very sadden when I couldn’t find any picture of her and my son together. However, it does give me some solace to know that their soul met. Her death marked my official adulthood. I was also 29 and my 30th birthday was unnoticeable while we were all dealing with her funeral arrangements. I was the last one of my sibling to have a child. Therefore, often time I feel as my children (had another son recently) were cheated of the very involved, funny, playful and nurturing grandmother their older cousins had. I miss her dearly everyday and wished she was still with us.
    Have you been successful in finding any real good resources since? If so, please provide.

  139. Thank you so much for writing this.

    My Dad died 6 days ago. I’m 23, and my son is 4 years old.

    I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know where to start, how to let him go, how to begin to make peace with the situation. One minute I’m angry, the next I can’t stop sobbing, the next I feel totally numb. People keep asking me what I need. I need my Daddy back. Beyond that? I have no freaking clue.

    It’s too soon. It’s not fair. It’s not right that my son got to have his Grandpa around just long enough to fall in love with him and have the beginning of a beautiful relationship with him, and now he’s gone. I would lose him twice over if it meant that my son didn’t have to lose him at all. I feel like a shitty mother because he’s hurting and I’m hurting and I don’t know how to help him or even myself. I can’t stop crying. I’ve explained it to my little boy as best as I know how, and we’ve been answering his questions when they come up, but I feel like a zombie walking through my life and I’m so angry that I’m not the pillar of strength that my son needs me to be.

    I’m angry that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye before he died. I’m angry that last week when he wanted to come over and see his grandson that everything was so hectic and we decided to put it off till another day. I’m angry that I didn’t call him every single night. I’m angry that he didn’t go to the hospital or call someone the night before when he was having trouble breathing. I’m angry that he died in an ambulance without someone who loved him there with him. I’m angry that we don’t get to build on the wonderful relationship we had finally started to have.

    The funeral and burial are finally over. Friends and family are helping take care of my son, while I grieve. But I don’t know how to grieve. I don’t know how to deal with this. I know it’s not true, but it feels like I’m never going to be happy again. It feels like all the color has gone out of the world.

    So I’m sitting here, wearing one of his t shirts, just wishing I could hug my Dad one more time, hear his voice, say goodbye to him.

    I don’t know why I wrote all this… I get it had to come out somewhere. Thank you for posting what you did… just knowing I’m not alone is a little glimmer of comfort. So thank you.

    Lindsay

  140. I am glad I found this blog. My dad died suddenly October 7,2011. He lives all the way across the country. He met my daughter when she was 4 weeks old (she is now 22 months) and he never met my son (who was 5 weeks old when my dad died). My stepmother does not want to spend her insurance money to have my dad shipped back here for a funeral so she is having him cremated. I haven’t seen him since he was here in Feb. 2010 and I will never see him again. He will never meet my son or see either of my kids grow up. I knew that he wouldn’t be around into their teen years (he was 69 years old and in poor health) but I hoped he would at least come back one more time to meet my baby. I hadn’t even talked to him since the night my son was born. I had been to busy with the new baby. I thought about calling him earlier that week, but because of the time difference, I didn’t get a chance to when I was thinking about it. And then I forgot. We still have not had any funeral or memorial. My step mom is dragging her feet. I feel like I can’t even get closure on this because of her. She called to tell me as she was walking in the hospital that he was dying (at 10pm) and he died within 30 minutes of that call. I didn’t find out for another 14 hours. I was the last person to find out. My stepsister’s daughter knew that night but I had no clue. I thought maybe he had pulled through. He was always a fighter. He wanted to move back here earlier this year, but my step mom didn’t want to. Now she will probably be moved back by the end of next month. I have always hated her but now I feel like she kept me from being with my dad. Maybe this is a part of grief and it is okay. I don’t know. I really don’t have time to think about this stuff. I have a 6 week old to take care of and a 22 month old who keeps me very busy. Between 3 hour feedings and an active toddler, I barely have time to take a shower, much less grieve. I don’t know how to do this. I lost a very dear friend (almost a surrogate mother) 3 years ago and that was rough for me (and still is). Besides her and my dad, I lost a family member when I was about 6. That’s it. I am not experienced with losing loved ones. I guess no one really knows what they are doing, but I feel completely at a loss. My dad was not able to be at my wedding. He will never teach my daughter silly things and spoil her. He will never even meet my son. I am only 27 years old. This is just too much for me.

  141. I read this crying my eyes out. I lost my mother a week to the day before my baby girl was born. My mom was my best friend. We shared everything. I rember when I first told her I was pregnant. When I was young she knitted a poncho for me. I had a bag with the poncho and pulled it out. She began to cry. I would talk to her every day on the phone and see her at least every other day. We live in two different towns. I took a job house cleaning so I had the money to drive to see her. She would sing to my girl within the womb. As she became more sick with cancer she would cry to me that she wouldn’t be there to help me with my daughter. I didn’t fully understand the need I would have for her but during this time I told her that she is here now for me. When my baby shower arrived she put a big smile on her face and pushed very hard to make the day the best for me. Later that day I realized how much she had pushed herself. She was pail her feet swollen twice there size and could barley move. When she became more sick I would lay next to her in bed and have her hand on my tummy. Every time she felt Emily move her eyes would be closed but she would smile. My moms last legacy was to see and hold Emily. I explained this to my doctor and my doctor tried to induce labor. I wanted it to be just my wonderful husband and me. But without asking how I would feel my brother, his friend and my aunt came in with video and audieo recorders acting as if this was a big Hollywood production .Acting abnoctious and saying things like shoop here comes the baby. Emily wasn’t born that day and that night the 13th of June 2006 my mother died. I felt so ashamed and so hurt that I couldn’t give my mom her last wish. My mother was the only one in my family that rejoiced that I was having a baby. When I told my Aunt that I was pregnant. Her excat words to me was that I had just kicked her in the stomic. My brother was no better I told him a day after I told my aunt. He said that I was gutter slum. And should be homless. I don’t get it. I was 30 had a strong marriage with my husband that I have been with scince we were 15. My Aunt tried to talk to me to have an abortion and a historectimy. My dad did nothing to support me. It all was about him and his pain. Everyone was so worried about him that never mind that I came to take care of my mom so he could go to work. A day after Emily was born I went to my moms funral against nurses advice. My mom was good friends with the charge nurse and she took care of my daughter during mom funral. My Brother his friend and my Aunt took the flowers that were given to me for Emily’s birth and used them for my mom funral with out asking how I would feel about. When I went to her funeral there were pictures of my mom and flowers with cards that said to Emily. I saw that and cried. How could they do that. Mom would be so angry, the last thing she wanted was to have her death affect Emily’s birth. A couple months later my aunt came to town to visit my dad and others. She had my husband and me go to dinner but she didn’t want Emily there. She told me she couldn’t handle the crying. She did come to my house to visit. She told me to put IT on the floor to see what IT would do. I started to get angry. Emily started to cry and my Aunt scolded and glared at Emily with utter hatred in her eyes. I through her out. She told me that if she had her way she would have stabed me in the stomic and Emily wouldn’t be here. I said I never want to see her again and I haven’t talked to scence. Emily knows nothing about her. Emily is now 5 beautiful , smart, whitty. She has a big heart. She crazy funny like my mom was. Mom was a school teacher and loved children. My last promis I made to my mom was that Emily would know how much my mom loved her and Emily will know mom through me. I miss my mother every day. Talking to her about Emilys mild stones and holidays and the little moments. There is so much more I could write about this but it would become a book. Mom I love you

    • Lanae,

      It is heartbreaking that anyone would say such hurtful things to you. I’m so sorry that you know the feeling of this loss too and I’m glad that you’ve found some comfort in the words here. My husband used to say, “It doesn’t get easier. Just different.” Praying for you and your Emily and hoping that you’ll have comfort on the hard days.

      • Thank you for the kind words. I take comfort in the unity that I have found here. I no longer feel alone. There are others who know what I am going through. I have moved on with my life. I no longer live in the same town. My husband has a new job and I just was hired and start soon. When I found I was hired my daugher gave me a big hug and told me that she is so proud of me. And she was so happy for me. I feel so blessed to have her. Mom would have adored her. Emily is my dimond in the cole

  142. I lost my mother 3 weeks ago yesterday to a heart attack. She was 56 and I was 26. She was my best friend and I can’t even begin to verbalize my pain and grief. We were so close that my husband and I bought a house 2 doors away from her, I saw her every day and talked to her several times a day, we did everything together.

    October 2nd was just another normal Sunday. I woke up early, went to my mother’s and had breakfast while my husband and step-son slept in. We talked about my pregnancy, work, family and life like we always did. I kissed her goodbye and she gave me money to buy her a lottery ticket. I went and got my hair cut, went grocery shopping and then came home. I forgot to purchase the lottery ticket so I called her and she said it wasn’t a big deal and she’d see me in the morning. I never got to see her again and it kills me. Around 10:30pm, me and my husband were laying on the couch watching Bridesmaids when I saw ambulance lights. I had this sinking feeling in my stomach and my husband confirmed my fear that the ambulance was at my mother’s house. I ran outside in my pajamas to see my aunt (who lived with her and my father) hysterical crying and yelling to get me back in the house. I waited very impatiently (I was throwing up and shaking violently) until my sister-in-law came to watch my step-son and then went to the hospital. When we got there, we were escorted to a family room where I saw my brother as pale as can be and my dad sobbing. I lost it and started shaking and throwing up. My husband was so worried about me and our baby that they put me in a room with a cot and made me lay down. My dad came and laid with me for a little while and we both cried together. A doctor came in and told us that they had been working on her for an hour and there was nothing more that they could do. My worst fear had come true, I’d lost my mother, my best friend.

    The two weeks after that were a blur. I barely slept and barely ate. I did nothing but cry. I tried to stay surrounded by family so we could share happy stories and play with her beloved grandchildren. I felt like I was in a nightmare and still do. The doctor put me on medication to sleep and I had to force myself to eat a lot of small light meals so that I wouldn’t get sick but I would feed my baby.

    She was an amazing grandmother to my brother’s three kids and my step-son. She was so excited that I was having a baby of my own. I was 19 weeks pregnant at the time she passed and was having my 20 week ultrasound that Friday which my mother was supposed to come to with me. We had the whole day planned out – ultrasound, then lunch, and then we were going to go register for the baby shower. I’m so happy I got the chance to tell her that I was pregnant but with every pregnancy marker I hit I sob, I want to share everything with her. The ultrasound was torture, I cried so hard when I found out I was having a little girl. All my mother kept saying was that she knew I was having a girl and she picked out so many things to buy her. She even had the whole baby shower planned and booked. The idea of having it without her is torture but I know I need to have it for her sake.

    I feel like no one understands what I am going through. I am mourning the loss of my mother and best friend but I am also mourning the loss of my daughter’s grandmother. She won’t be there for me when I give birth, when I decorate the nursery, when things are hard and I have questions. She won’t ever get to hold my daughter. My daughter will never get to experience a Christmas where my mother spoils her rotten or go over to her house to bake cookies or have a sleepover in the living room. She will never get to hear my mom’s laugh, never get to hear her tell her funny stories, never get to hear her voice.

    I was lucky to have an amazing mother for 26 years. She taught me so much about myself and how to be a wife and mother. I am determined that my daughter knows everything about her and am striving to be a mother like she was. I hope that me and my daughter can have the kind of relationship I had with my mom and I hope to keep her traditions alive.

    I’m struggling and know I will for a very long time. Life without her is a lonely place that I don’t want to know. It was very helpful to read all of your stories.

    • ((((Angela)))) I am so sorry for the loss of your Mama. I am so sorry for the loss upon loss you feel as you think about what your baby will be missing (and I so understand… My first baby girl was 4 months old when my Mom died. I missed out on all of my Mom’s grandmaing too. It just hurts.

  143. I 100% appreciated reading this and some of the responses. When my daughter was not quite 3 months old, my father passed away unexpectedly. We’re coming up on the 1 year mark and I still feel numb some days. I have 2 brothers and a great support network, but sometimes I feel no one quite understands. My mother has turned to me for support and I find that between being a new mom and my own grief, it’s so hard to be strong for her all the time. In addition, we found out she has stage IV rectal cancer (she learned this about 4 months after my father’s passing). All 4 of my grandparents lived past 80 (3 are still living) and so I never expected my parents wouldn’t be there to see my children grow up. You would think the saying ‘live for today…you never know what tomorrow brings’ would have so much meaning to me right now, but I feel terrified of the world. I have some days I feel stuck in mud, I just don’t know what to do or how to respond. I want to be a strong and positive mother but it is so hard sometimes.

    I did find a meetup.com group in my area for ‘moms without moms’…I’m hoping connecting with some people also going through motherhood while grieving the loss of a parent will help me realize I’m not alone and I can do this. Thanks again for letting yourself be vulnerable so that the rest of us can realize we’re not alone.

  144. Thank you for sharing your story :) My dad passed away from brain cancer just 12 hours before my twin daughters were born, in the same hospital. When my 3 boys came to visit their new sisters they asked to go and visit Papa and it was then that we had to tell them. We wanted to let them have a bit of happiness before we told them with our newly expanded family. Nine months later I am haunted by the look on their faces. It is quite a thing to experience such loss and new life all at the same time. All the best!

  145. I lost my parents when I was 24 years old. I am fifty years old. The emotional issues that their death created has been horrible for me. My children never knew their grandparents, and I also just like the first ladie’s blog never got to know my parents as an adult. During the years when motherh!ood should have been fun and exciting, grief often overshadowed.
    Perhaps the largest issue is that no one understood. I felt like I had moved to a foreign country. Nooone took me under their wing, and everyone in all of my social groups had parents. I watched my children do without grandparents. My husbands parents favored their daughters children. I was told to get over it! There was no special compassion or treatment. Perhaps they were staying away what they didn’t understand.
    It was awful. No extended family help. Feeling like I soooo wanted to fit in, and at my weak times telling people this only to be avoided and terribly misunderstood.
    Today, I am barely fifty years old, and I have learned too focus my energy the fact that there are something that are not meant to understand.
    I am thankful that I found this blog. Everyone hang in there, and I’m truly sorry. I can honestly beyond a doubt say that I know how you feel. It never goes away. It fades at times. Take care yall!

  146. Sorry I didn’t proofread my blog. I would like to add that I have focused my energy on helping abused children. The events in my life that I couldn’t control has made me have compassion.

  147. My story listed above sounds bleak, but I guess it was so nice to find a group of women that understands. I actually have a wonderful life, but it is often overshadowed with the questions about why “my mom” had to die. In our culture, we are taught to question, and not how to deal with issues where clear answers are unattainable.

  148. I just lost my mom 11 days ago I’m 26 and my beautiful baby girl is almost 11 months old. I identify with what you have written here and I thank you for putting into words what I can’t.

  149. I lost my Mother last month. My Dad passed away in 2003, that was hard enough, but we still had Mother as a source of strength. Now she is gone and I feel lost. She was 97 years old and I knew that she was going to die at any time, but I still wasn’t prepared for it. I know people mean well when they say things like, “You were blessed to have her for so long” or “She’s in a better place” but all I know is, is she is not with me now. I am grateful to God for giving me wonderful, loving parents. I hope I can prove myself worthy of them.

    • Barry .
      Your parents will always love you and will always be very proud of you. Hold on to your faith and just know that you will see them again. They are in better place.

      • Thanks for the kind words Ryan. Sorry about your Dad, there’s really nothing anyone can say that makes it easier. Just be sure to work at grieving, because it is work. Don’t grieve on anyone else’s timetable. Take as long as you need and then move forward, that is what your Dad would want. Stand tall, hold your head up.

  150. My name is Ryan and I am 23 years old. My father passed away yesterday, and i am a very hurt because I feel like it wasn’t his time to go. I am almost done with college and it hurts my heart that he wont see me graduate or walk me down the aisle. Its going to hurt for awhile but I know he will always be in my heart forever.

  151. I know this post is old, but I have just found it and I can relate more than it is possible to believe, so thank-you so much for writing it.

    I am 22, and my beautiful mummy died on 29th August 2011. It will be 6 months ago on Wednesday. I’m an adult, and sometimes I feel like I should ‘feel’ like an adult. Like it’s normal, it’s ‘supposed’ to happen. But my mummy was 54. I am 22. My mum was diagnosed when I was 20-years-old. I barely became an adult before cancer took over our lives. I hadn’t learnt to be independent yet, I saw my mum and I spoke to her every single day.

    And yes, my mum got to see me graduate from university. But my graduation day was the month before my mum died, and I was sad. My mum won’t ever see me have a career. She’ll never see me get married or have children of my own. I had my first kickboxing fight 3 months after it happened, and I couldn’t go home and tell my mummy that I did it.

    It feels like there’s an in-between stage sometimes. Like when you become an adult you’re supposed to accept it and deal with it and be ok. But losing a parent is awful no matter what age you are. But my mission in life now is to make my mum proud of me, and I’m so, so glad I had the time I had with her, she is my world. :)

    Thank-you for writing this post x

  152. I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes. Not only for myself, but for everyone here.

    My mother and father were my best friends. My mother passed away from cancer when I was only 19. Then, at 28, my father passed away, also from cancer.

    I’ll be 29 this year, and although I do not have any children yet, I already feel sorry for them. It saddens me that they will never have gotten to meet my wonderfully amazing and caring parents. I know my mother and father would have made such wonderful grandparents. They would have loved and spoiled my children beyond belief.

    Going through life without my parents has been difficult, to say the least. Some days I don’t even know how I manage to pull through. I know that I’m lucky enough to have an awesome brother and ever-supporting boyfriend; but I still miss my mommy and daddy. I will forever miss them. There isn’t a day that has gone by when I haven’t thought about them. And I highly doubt there will be.

    To everyone that has loved and lost, my heart aches for you, but please know that you will get through this. Grieve in your own manner; there isn’t a right way or a wrong way. And never let anyone dictate how you’re supposed to feel.

    Much love, everyone.

  153. I’m so glad I found this blog, I’m 24 and my father is in his last stages from having cancer. The main things that pop in mind are the same, he will never meet my children, walk me down the isle or meet my husband. I feel like i just started my life and he’s leaving before he can see all the good stuff. I’m holding on to my faith and I believe he’s going to a better place.. Hearing the many stories help me to feel not so alone thank you!

  154. I wondered if I were alone with these feelings. I guess I am not, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel much better. But I do want to thank you for sharing because it gives others the opportunity to share. Honestly I avoid talking about my mother because people always respond the same “oh I’m sorry,” or “I know, but you will be fine” etc. I’m not fine, they don’t know, and it’s never going to be ok, it’s just going to be different! And I don’t want different I want my mom back. I want me back. I want the true unconditional love and compassion back. Where will I ever get that? No sister, no aunt, nor cousin or best friend can make me feel that way, and I don’t know where to go from here. My mother died when I was 24 too. I was out of the country, and when I came back my family let me go on and on for at least 45 mins before they said anything. I had to ask “Where’s Ma?” I had tried to call her the very minute I stepped off the plane, but no answer. We had had an argument before I left, but we had talked while I was away. I couldn’t wait to get back to tell her everything. Now that’s all been ripped away from me. I’ve lost my map. I don’t know who to call for answers. I don’t care about anything. I don’t trust anyone. And now I’m pregnant, and terrified. I can’t even think about actually going through with this. I just want to feel better. I feel like I died too.

    • I’m so sorry, Alicia. In some ways, a version of you did die. You will never be the Alicia who was when your Mom was still alive again. But your Mom gave you the strength and the courage to have this baby and to give that baby the unconditional love and compassion that your Mom gave you. And there will be days when you weep that she isn’t there to see your precious babe, but there will be days when you’ll smile because that dimple, or that smile, or that look in your baby’s eye will be the same as your Mom’s.

      I’m so sorry. There are days when I still feel like I’ve lost my map. Even today I had a moment (this is going on 7 years for me) when my first thought was, “I wish I could talk this over with Mom.” But she gave me the strength to keep going. Your Mom gave you the same.

      I’m sending you a ((((hug))))) tonight. I get it and I hurt with you. But I want you to know, you can do this.

      • I can’t begin to say how amazing and reassuring your response is to me. I realize that it actually does make me feel better to know Im not alone. As selfish as my loss has made me appear to be, I actually am a strong persevering woman that usually consoles others. I credit my mother for that all the time. But your words, and the time out of your night you took to respond to my lonely post, has truly touched my heart moreso than anyone else since my mom passed in 2010. I’m so glad I found this blog, and even more glad that I had the chance to share my feelings. I always pray for signs that there is still kindness in this world after feeling like I’ve been robbed. I get it, and I thank you. And I empathize with you, and hope that you too sustain your strength. I feel your hug, and Im sending you one right back! Thanks so much…

      • Alicia,

        Hang in there. My mum died when I was 3 months pregnant with my first child. The emotions you feel can be so heartbreaking at times, but when you meet your new son/ daughter, you know your mum will be with you looking out for you and your child. My mum will be two years dead next month and it still hurts but my second child, a girl, arrived a month ago and i gave her my mum’s name. She will always be with you in some way, as you are a part of her.

        Look after yourself
        Frances

  155. I lost my mother in October 2011 unexpectedly.I am 33 years old and my mother was only 59 when she died.I miss her so much.I am not yet married or have children and it makes me feel so sad that my mother will never be able to be at those events.

  156. I lost my Mom to cancer when I was 24. My Dad had a stroke when I was 20 & was placed in a nursing home. I have no siblings.
    I’m 38 now. IM married. I have a 3 year old daughter & twin 18 month old boys.
    I loved & adored my Mom. She was awesome. I Will always miss her terribly.
    I have my good days & days when I wish I was still a little girl & my Mom was here to take care of me—-One lesson I learned was that I had to let myself TRULY grieve in order to feel better.

  157. Val, Thank you for writing this blog. I am 27 and have lost both of my parents. My dad from brain cancer when I was 15 and my mom from ALS when I was 26. Like you, I was pregnant when my mom died and I’m also an only child. I think the hardest thing has been dealing with the fact that my son will not know his grandparents. I also had to deal with all of the stuff that comes with losing the second parent: figuring out how to probate a Will, how to take care of any leftover financial debt, figuring out what to do with their house and everything else. You’re expected to handle everything “like an adult” when all you want to do is cry on the phone to your mom, which you can’t do. Not to mention the stress of being pregnant! I worried so much about how the stress would effect my baby. I always enjoyed being an only child until my mom died because I don’t have any immediate family left, and I’m the only one of my friends who has lost both parents. It is a struggle every day and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss them, but I am so glad for the time I did have with them. It doesn’t ever get “easier” like some people say, you just learn to live with the loss.

    Thank you again for writing this post and please know that you are not alone in your pain.

    Gina

  158. I found this blog and have spent the last two days reading every single word and response. All of these feelings ring true for me and while it saddens me that their is so much pain in the world, it is also comforting to know i am not alone going through this trying time. I am 24 years old and my mother suffered a ruptured anurisym and stroke on Dec. 5th 2011. She has been in an unresponsive coma ever since. My dad has recently broached the topic of discontinuing her feeding tube and letting her go. I am so conflicted and torn up about this decision. Doctors have little to no hope she will ever “wake up” and i know my mom would not want to spend her days lying in a hospital bed. However, once she is gone i can not imagine my life without her. We had a rocky past during my rebellious teenage years but had just recently started to get closer and become friends on an adult level. My mother was always the person I went to for everything, from the smallest question to a broken heart.
    It saddens me that she will never meet my future husband, or future grandchildren. I know she would be an amazing grandmother. I cant imagine going to pick out a wedding dress or raising a child without her around.
    Thank you for calling attention to an often forgotten age group/generation. Losing a parent and mother during any stage is devastating but especially difficult when i am still learning to be an adult on my own. no matter how old i am i will always need my mom.
    It scares me to read these stories that its still so painful 5, 7, 20 years down the road. I know this is something i will deal with for the rest of my life but i can not imagine being in this much pain for that long.

    Not that i am so wise to listen to my advice, but the only positive i have seen from this is to appreciate everyone around you and tell them you love them everyday because you never know when it will be too late. This situation has made the rest of my family pull together and be there more for each other.

    Thank you for sharing your stories.

  159. I lost my mom 4 years ago when I was 26, It was definitely the hardest thing to accept that she was never going to be there for me to talk to or share my life with. I too think this age group is forgetten about. It’s been 4 yrs and I still think about her everyday and think about everything she has already missed out on in my life. I also get those sad looks when someone finds out my mother died as if to feel bad for me but not bad enough as they assume because I was a young adult when she passed away, I can handle it better. I think people think its not as bad for us then it was for someone who lost their mom as a child. I was just starting to become a woman, and friends with my mom. I talked to her everyday, I loved having a cup of coffee with her and just talking. I can’t believe that if I live to her age when she died, 56, I will have lived more of my life without her in it and it kills me.

  160. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories, it helps a lot to know I’m not alone in my grief. I just turned 28, and my mom passed away three weeks ago.

    I was her primary caretaker. Even though it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, I wouldn’t have had it any other way….although I continue to feel guilty, wishing I had done more for her, and regretting that I hadn’t spent every single second by her side. She suffered so much during her last days, to the point where we could no longer control her pain and we had to transfer her to a hospice home. The only comfort I have is knowing she’s not in pain anymore.

    My mom had been asleep for almost two days when the nurse told my sister and I that she only had a day or two left, and we became very upset. My mom actually woke up and told us not to worry about her, that she’d be ok. Then she drifted back to sleep. My sister and I had one last talk with her, telling her about all the things she had taught us over the years, and that it was ok to let go. She died about an hour later.

    I know there will never be another person that loved me as much as my mother. There are no replacements, or substitutes. But having that last conversation with her made me realize that she’s more or less prepared me for this. Although she died young, she left behind a legacy through her children. She taught me how to take care of myself, and her love for me has pushed me to love myself more. I have to make her proud and keep going. I can only imagine how difficult it was for her, knowing she was going to die. All I can do is face life with as much dignity as she faced death.

    So many people have told me that this doesn’t get any easier, but I do believe it gets better. I think we’re all stronger than we think…we’ve faced one of our greatest nightmares, and despite the fact we’re struggling, we’re also surviving.

    Take care, everyone.

  161. I just stumbled on your blog. I’m sitting in a hospice room right now, with my 45yr old mother. I am 23yrs old, with a 27yr old brother and a 20yr old sister. My mom has maybe another day or two according to the nurses. Right now I’m feeling either emotional or numb, occcasionaly angry. I still don’t understand it.. How can you die from liver disease at 45? Well, anyways, its comforting to hear other peoples stories, and know that I am not completley alone. I told my friend what was happening yesterday and he said “well its the natural process of life, just stay positive.”… Thanks… Maybe someday I will process this a little better, but for now, it helps to read your stories.

  162. I’m 21 years old, and my dad just died suddenly on 5/27/12. I’m graduating from college in May 2013. I still can’t really fathom what just happened and I feel awful. He’s not going to be there to see me graduate or anything else. People keep telling me things are going to be okay, but I don’t think they will be. Ever. I just want to reverse time and fix things so my dad will still be here. We weren’t as close as my mom and I but he and my mom were the people I relied on the most. I’m so worried I won’t be able to get over this in time for school to start, so my grades are going to tank. I just got offered a job and it doesn’t start until July or August but I don’t feel up to accepting it even though I need the money. He was just fine several hours ago and now he’s gone and I don’t know what to do. All of his stuff is still lying around our house and I keep expecting him to come back or call or something.

    Are you ever okay again after something like this?

    • You will never be ok in the same way again, but you will be ok again. It hurts like hell for a long, long time. You are not alone. Sooo many people who have written here get it. I am so, so sorry for your loss and for the hurt. I wish there was some way around it, but there just isn’t.

    • Ashley – My dad died very suddenly as well (5/5/12). He too was just fine several hours ago and I still, almost a month later, feel like he will come home or call me or just be there. For me, seeing his stuff lying around is comforting but also excruciatingly painful since I know he won’t ever use those things again. I don’t think things will be okay ever again either. But I think that it has helped me a little is knowing that there are others who are around my age who know how it feels. There aren’t many resources for people our age, unfortunately, but knowing there are others with the same questions and concerns and grief struggles helps me feel less alone. I hope you can begin to heal and I’m very sorry for your loss.

    • This post was nearly two years ago, but I am so sorry for your loss. My post is the last one on this blog I think, but I too lost my father suddenly and I am 22. I am graduating from grad school next year, and my brother will graduate from high school this year. My father will not be here for either, and it is a terrible, awful thought that not only makes me sad, but also reminds me of the many things he will continue to miss. I understand what you mean about wanting to reverse time and fix things and how you keep expecting him to call. When my entire family was over our house and at the hospital for him, I kept expecting him to be sitting there next to me. I expected him to turn the corner in the hospital with a coffee for himself and my mother, and asking, “So what’s the update?” about someone else we were in the hospital to see when really…it was him. I hope I haven’t made you feel more upset, but your post resonated with me.

      I want to ask you this, almost two years later: how “ok” do you feel now? I have my very, very sad moments and I really want those to stop happening although I feel they never will.

  163. this an old blog but you all are amazing and obviously this it’s a nerve. I am sure it does with pregnancy and birth mingled with mom’s death. It might also just be the age. Some of us in our 20’s and 30’s not married no kids STILL feel profound numbing loss that other people don’t understand. It’s because all of our friends, just like you, still have their parents and are going about their lives. And to empathize, one needs to crawl into the shoes of someone and many people in their 20s and 30s DON”T WANT To imagine their parent’s dying or how they’d feel.
    I had a horrific experience at 34 loosing my dad suddenly then my mom dx with end stage cancer 2 months later. Her dying was prolonged but it was like an anvil hanging over our heads. I lost a lot of friends.
    I have to tell you, not being married or coupled up and loosing a parent is very hard. THere is no one to even necessarily give you a hug when you need it even if they don’t know what to say. There is no one to lighten the logistical load if it’s the second parent or you have responsibilities that your siblings (if any) can’t help you with around selling houses and estate and moving stuff. Just having someone else who is not going to leave you when your parents do is helpful to the soul. Same thing about kids. Children get you out of ourselves. New life makes our lives have meaning even as we grieve.
    All I can say is that my experience loosing my parents young without kids and without a spouse/boyfriend was wretched. I saw friends and coworkers loose parents later on under age 35 or so and overall the people who were not married/coupled securely seemed to be much more lost. Kids seemed to add another buffer/distraction if anything that was good for them. Everyone I know who lost parents with kids has remarked that it helped them keep going.
    Not that you have it easy with kids and spouses, but the other way has it’s own difficulties. And all who loose their parents before most other people may have more trouble adjusting because we still need them…it’s a life stage. (and also all around might not get it as I said).
    I still bear psychological marks from not having enough support from that difficult time ten years ago, and i am still alone.

    • I’m sure it is tremendously hard. I wish I understood why we are so glossed over in this age-bracket. I know it must just intensify the aloneness feelings to be without the support of a s/o and kids. I can say having kids has been a double-edged sword for my grief each step of the way. on the one hand, it does get me outside of myself, as you say. On the other, it’s just this massive chunk of me that my Mom is missing and this place I should be able to relate to her and can’t. I think in the end it just sucks no matter when or how. But in unique ways for all of us in our own stages.

      You are NOT alone in this–and in this ache. Many of us get it and care. Please know that.

  164. Hi, I lost my Mom when I was sixteen, my older sister was about 21. She is not in any less pain than me because I was younger. I am 32 now and it still hurts, I miss her to this day. I missed her at my graduation from university, I missed her at my sisters weddings, I missed her when my oldest sister had her daughter and I miss her every time something good happens and every time something bad happens. I think you are hard on yourself about your grief. Nobody who has lost a parent will be rolling their eyes at you. “Grief is a debt that you cannot repay.” As long as you love your mother it will hurt, so the pain is how you know you loved her well.

  165. I never thought that someone else would ever be able to put my words together for me like you did. In november, my mother died very suddenly, just 2 weeks before my first baby was to be born. The ache in my heart, and the loneliness that I feel(she was my best friend, we spoke EVERY DAY) is overwhelming at times. I love my son so very much, but on the days when things just feel so very HARD with him, I find myself realizing the woman that I lost, and the help she had wanted to give me…my mother in law has been one of those who has made me feel terrible, by telling me to just “breathe and move on” :'(

  166. hello all. i lost my mother to lung cancer 13 years ago. i was on my honeymoon when she passed away and i never got to say goodbye. i was devastated. she was my everything. she had been battling cancer for 4 years. i relate to so many stories here. i know its been 13 years but i feel like my husband has never really understood my pain- he feels like i should get over the loss because its “high time”. he feels like i keep using my mom’s death as an “excuse” for my insecurities. is it wrong to miss your parent even after 13 years? i have 2 small kids and i have been a strong and persevering mother. i feel helpless that my husband doesn’t understand this void in my life.

    incidentally, my mother-in-law lost her own mother (my husbands grandmother) some years ago and my husband feels i should be coping as well as her. is it fair to compare the grief of a newly married 22 year old to the grief of a woman who has lived a pretty full life? i feel like my mother in law’s coping has “set the standard” for me so to speak. but she is a woman in her 50s who has had the joy of playing with her grandkids… is there anyone out there who understands where I’m coming from?

    thank you so much.

    • aaaa, I think most of us, if not all of us, can relate to what you’re saying to some degree, most definitely.

      My mother passed away 9 years ago when I was 19. The pain from her loss still hurts me every day. I’m constantly thinking about her and missing her as if she was taken from me yesterday. Like you, I have people in my life who don’t quite understand why I’m still grieving after all this time. They just don’t understand that simply because the years go by, that doesn’t always mean the pain goes with it. The passing years just make the pain more manageable to live with. My grief is definitely easier for me to cope with than it was the first year of her death, but that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t ache any less.

      To make matters worse, my father passed away almost a year ago, so now I have two gaping holes in my heart which will never heal. At almost 29 years old, I’m experiencing life without both of my best friends by my side. It’s an extraordinary struggle, but I’m strong. You’re strong, too. In fact, from what I’m reading, everyone who has posted here is strong. And it’s nice to know we’re not alone.

      Also, I just wanted to touch on what you posted in your last paragraph…

      At my work, I recently encountered a woman (a customer) who was probably in her mid-to-late 50’s who had lost her mother a few weeks ago. She was having a photo enlarged of her mother, and all the while going on and on about her loss and how unfair it is. Now, I don’t want to seem like a cold-hearted woman, but I had a difficult time feeling sorry for her because that’s the age you’re supposed to start losing your parents. My gosh, if I could only have another 30 years with my mother! Heck, I felt like blurting out how LUCKY she actually was to have had 55+ years with her mother (opposed to my 19), but I just kept quiet (which was hard). *sigh*

      Much love, everyone!

  167. I am 23 years old, 3 weeks ago, May 18, 2012, my father, mother, boyfriend of 6 years, and I were on the way to the beach. We were in a horrible car wreck and my father passed away. My mother is still in a trauma and burn ICU unit. My boyfriend and I were in the back, and not hurt as badly -he had stitches above his eye and some pulled muscles in his groin, and I sprained an ankle I’ve sprained a million times. How we walked away from a wreck that almost claimed both my parents life, and still could, just blows me away.
    I just wanted to say that I’m glad, so glad to read some of what I’m feeling is at least a little normal. I feel like everyone around me is getting to a point where they’re just tired of me being so upset, when in reality I haven’t even had an opportunity to try and deal with what has happened. Instead I’ve been with my mother, who I wasn’t nearly as close with but still love dearly, trying to enter a world of funerals and burial plots and insurance money, being screwed over left and right because I couldn’t give proper authorizations, or get into safes the paper work I needed were in. Not to even begin to trying to plan and attend the funeral of my father, my best friend, my daddy without my mother to help, without my mother even knowing her husband is gone. It’s just so much. Three weeks later and my mothers doctors still don’t think my mother should know about my dad. She’s beginning to be more alert, mouth words, questions and I have to go in and put on an act of a lifetime as I pretend daddy’s just resting and everything’s a-okay. It’s really screwing with my ability to grieve properly.
    I’m just glad I’m not alone. And that even if I’m a 23 year old “adult”, whose lived with her boyfriend for 4 years, it’s okay to not feel like I should have to “just get over it”.

    • There is absolutely no ‘just getting over’ something like that. I’m so very, very sorry. You’ve not only lost your Dad, but been thrust into this crazy hard super adult role that most people don’t have to deal with for years and years down the line. I’m praying for your Mama and for you. I have a few choice words for anybody who is making you feel like they are tired of you being upset. What you are going through is HUGE. It’s MASSIVE and it takes a toll. Be gentle with yourself and know that I care and I’m praying.

      • Thank you so much. I appreciate the prayers.
        Its been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, ever. And being so close to getting married, all I can think is of how Dad won’t be there to walk me down the aisle and it just makes me not even want any of it anymore if he can’t be there for it. Some days, most days, I just don’t know what to do or how to feel and it is a horrible feeling when it feels like you’re just on your own.
        But thank you. I agree with everything from your original post and it’s nice to know I’m not alone, even if it feels that way.

      • You are not alone. My dad died a little over a month ago a week after I graduated from pharmacy school ( he was in the hospital and unable to attend my graduation) and 11 days before my wedding. My husband and I did have our wedding and although it was heartbreaking that he could not walk me down the aisle, I know I honored his memory. I know he would have wanted me to be happy and he loved my husband dearly. It does not make it easier but it helps to think that they are with you in spirit and that your dad wants you to live your life and be happy. I am sorry for your loss and for the horrible situation you are in. Allow yourself to grieve and do not let people tell you how to handle your grief. You have every right to be upset and you are not alone.

    • I just wanted to come back and thank you again for your kind words and prayers.
      My mother has been home for about 4 months, and is starting to gain some independence back. She’s thankfully able to walk, and she knows who I am, but we’re both still trying to feel our way through a world without my Dad.
      If people around me were tired of me in June, I can’t imagine how they feel now. I still rarely leave the house, and spend most days laying around. It’s been 11 months, to the day since my Dad died, and I really haven’t made any progress. The wreck haunts me every night almost, I’m about to start back to work, and finish up my degree and I just don’t know.. I don’t feel ready, I don’t know if I ever will. I just miss him. I miss him. I think about all the people who are here, struggling through the same thing, and it breaks my heart.
      Thank you guys again for the words and just being there to understand when no one else really does.

      • I am so sorry that you are struggling in your grief. I am a counselor by profession but I also lost my dad, although to cancer, 2 days after Xmas a few months ago. I would suggest being cautious returning to work or school if you don’t feel ready. That can add additional stress that you don’t need and that won’t help you. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Suffering from PTSD may make getting through the grief cycle harder, it may help to speak to someone who understands what symptoms you may be having. On a personal level, I understand how you feel. My dad was my best friend and had just met his one and only grandchild 1.5 mos before his death. I miss everything. I can’t even look at his picture because the pain is so bad. Thank you for sharing your story, you will be in my thoughts and prayers that you may find the strength you need to endure this journey.
        Danielle

      • Thank you Danielle. I have gone to some therapy, I’ve been put on an anxiety medication for car rides and an anti depressant that doesn’t seem to be helping much. My therapist I was seeing moved away, and I haven’t found another one. Thinking of going and having to rehash everything, get used to another person, open up to them seems like such a daunting task. I don’t think I’m ready to be thrust back into a job and school, but as for a job I’ve been lucky enough to have the time I’ve had without working, but my fiancé and I aren’t finically able to continue just on his checks alone, and the stress over money adds to everything else. I feel guilty. Even small tasks like cleaning and cooking, things I formerly had no issue with, some days feel so impossible. I know I need to try and pull myself together, it’s just hard. I thought after everything we had been through in the last year, my mother and I would become closer but it seems as like our relationship is getting worse. She feels like I don’t spend enough time with her, but I spent 8 months by her side, in hospitals, driving two hours one way to where she was for months and months, and I’ve been trying to take time to deal with what’s happened, and it’s hard to do around her. She lost her mother five months before the wreck, and always tries to turn everything into a who hurts more contest which I don’t understand at all, and her side of the family, her three sisters, were no help to my fiancé and I while my mother was unable to care for herself, there are hard feelings there and it causes conflict between my mother and I and its just been so much. I just want her to wrap me in her arms and be my mother, but it’s as if our roles have been switched. I just don’t understand it. She’s always made comments about how closer I was to my Dad than her, and even with Dad gone its still causing rifts between us. I just don’t know. But I appreciate all the kind words. It’s nice to have a place to go when things get too rough. You’re all in my prayers as well.
        -Lindsey

  168. Hello
    I’ve read your post whilst sitting at work. My mum is currently in a hospice with terminal cancer. I’m trying to come to terms with her impending passing. Coming to work is difficult as I feel I can’t give what I feel I want because of the constant thoughts of this huge event unfolding in my life. Nobody who comes in to the office knows what I am going through and sometimes I just wish the ground would swallow me up! But being here helps, I’m sure. It’s a distraction at least for some of the day. Anyway, I wanted to say that your post was a good read and I took some comfort reading your well thought out words, I can really relate to what you say here. I am 25, not married and without kids, I know when these milestones in my life do happen, mum not being around will feel deeply saddening. I live at home with my dad and his pain is heartbreaking to feel. We’re both trying to ‘keep things normal’ and carry on. I guess it is true what my councillor said – you start greaving before the death. So I just wanted to say I appreciated reading what you said and I’m sending you a big hug.

    Many thanks
    Lucy.

  169. I am dealing with my mother recent departure here in earth. I’m also 6 months pregnant. My mother was so in tune with my pregnancy. She was the happiest Grandmother ever. Having those great memories is definitely keeping me a float.

  170. I’m going to be 32 this Friday…I lost my mother in March 2006 from complications of her Multiple Sclerosis and a bone marrow transplant for her leukemia. I also lost my father in April 2011, he had a blood clot in his brain from high blood pressure – very unexpected and sudden death. I am currently engaged and while I am blessed to have my younger brother walk me down the aisle and give me away, planning a wedding is heartbreaking. I’m starting a wonderful new life, but the pain of not having my parents around to share it with gets unbearable at times. Many friends/acquaintances often keep telling me to think about what I have and what I’m gaining and that I have plenty of friends to “lean on” or who love me. I can’t help but think “It’s easy for you to say, you have both your parents still with you”…and I also think unless somebody has experienced a similar loss or experienced great change, they can’t fully understand how I’m feeling. I also feel I’m ALLOWED to feel this grief, this sadness. I don’t mope around day in and day out, I always thank the good Lord for surrounding me with loving people and I’m living my life. My fiancé is always there supportive as ever. I loved them so greatly that isn’t it natural to have moments of pain, especially around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries??

  171. Hi, I lost my mom to breast cancer when I had just turned 12 years old. She fought long and hard 8 years so most of my time with her was when she was sick. I am now 17 so I lost her 5 years ago in 2007. When my mom was dying, I found myself too not seeing her as much as I should’ve; I was only a child and didn’t understand death as a whole. I do regret not saying everything I felt about her to this day, but she knows how much I love her.
    People do say death comes easier with time, I found it becoming harder for me. When my mom passed, everyone was around, my dad was signing me up for all these activities to keep my mind off of her. But as a couple of years past, everyone went on with their lives and as I was growing up, I had to deal with this on my own. The hardest times when you feel the emptiness due to the absence of your mother are those spot light, once in a lifetime kind of moments. For example, my birthdays every year, holidays, my 8th grade graduation, junior prom, high school sports games etc. it’s always nice to see your mom watching you play up in those stands. I shed a tear everyday for my mom. It’s not easy no matter what age. It sucks to watch people around you with their moms, laughing, smiling, hugging and you just watch them kind of in envy. I have found myself looking for motherly figures and getting attached to people without even knowing I do it. Nurture from your mother is an important aspect of your life and it was hard for a young girl like me to grow up without that. If anyone wants to share their stories with me, I would love that.

  172. Two years ago my mom stood in the delivery room while I had my first and only child. This was apr 2010. By dec 2010 she had died. The day my son was born we didn’t even know she was sick. And while that was tough; my dad just passed away may 2012. Both from cancer. My son is two and barely knew them. He will never get the chance. At a time when I need my parents the most. I feel lost. I just wanted u to know, I understand.

  173. My name is Mariah and I am 20 years old. My Mom was diagnosed with Vulvar Cancer on Dec 24th 2011 (age 38). Her health has declined SO MUCH. I was told last night (from her and family) that she does not have long before she passes on. She will be put on Hospice next week. She is very confused, mad, sad, in lots of pain and just not herself. I just don’t know what to do? I thought she was getting better!!!! She was suppose to start her second round of Chemo in Aug. She told me lastnight she has known for a few weeks about her major health decline and that there is nothing the Doctors can do anymore because it’s spread so much. I have not yet experienced death of a parent, but I know I soon will. I still can’t wrap my head around the facts. Denial, anger and sadness are the emotions my body is filled with at the moment– other than endless love, support and hope. I just wish this didn’t have to happen. I’ve read a lot of posts on here, and it’s prepared me a lot. I just want to let you ALL know that I am thinking of you all. Please E-MAIL me if you want. I could really use some kind words at this time! Thank you. Love to all.
    EMAIL– mariahbeaupre@hotmail.com
    -Mariah

  174. The nice thing about all these responses is that we know we aren’t alone.

    It doesn’t matter what age you are when you lose a parent, it will always hurt, but I do think that there is some extra bitterness when you lose a parent at a young age, in childhood or early adult hood.

    My biological mother died when I was 4, and my brother was 10. I remember the Dr. coming in to tell us that she died, and I sort of remember her funeral, and I remember feeling very confused. My family told me that God wanted her to be in Heaven with him, and I guess I figured I had no choice other than to just accept that.

    My dad remarried when I was 6. My stepmom was wonderful and raised my brother and I as if we were her own flesh and blood. She also made sure that we remembered our first mom, and even helped to take care of my maternal grandmother when she got sick and was in the hospital. My stepfamily also treated my brother and I as if we had always been part of the family. Despite the loss of my first mom, I felt very fortunate that I still had a second mom to look after me. I felt that God and my first mother were up in Heaven protecting my brother and I.

    Right after my 19th birthday, my second mom was diagnosed with cancer. I watched her die 5 months after the diagnosis. The last few days are not unlike what Mariah described in her post. As a young adult I had a better grasp as to how life can be turned upside down after the death of a parent. I remember thinking at how my second mom, who I was so close to, wouldn’t be around to see me finish college, get married, and have a baby. It is so overwhelming that I can’t even think about it without crying, even to this day.

    I am now 30 years old, it has been 25 years since the loss of my first mom, and almost 11 years since the loss of my second mom. There are good days and not so good days (more good, fortunately). Sometimes i get into ‘slumps’ where I feel like I can’t cope anymore, but you don’t really have a choice but to try to cope, even for the sake of the rest of your family, and all the other good things you may have in your life. Occasionally I find myself envious more than ever of my friends who still have their parents, especially at events like weddings and graduations. Im not married yet, and am still doubtful at the thought of having a wedding just because my mothers can’t be there. Its like pouring salt into a wound. Im sad because I have no idea what my first mom was like. I don’t know if she had a good sense of humor, what her favorite movie was, what music she listened to, etc. I have nothing but old photos. I was fortunate to get to know my second mom, but it was much more difficult to cope with her death because we had become so close.

    I don’t know if I can really offer any good advice, but sometimes when I am going through rough life ‘events’ (such as break-ups, bad days at work or school, etc), I think of the saying ‘what cannot destroy you can only make you stronger’. The loss of two mothers did not destroy me, I do like to think it made me a stronger person, and if I can cope with that, I can certainly cope with anything that might come my way.

    Much love to everyone commenting. You aren’t alone!

  175. i wish you would all stop wallowing in self pity. im 16 and my dad died last week. do you see me complaining how hard im finding it, you should all be geatfull that you got to spend the length of time that you did with your parents.

    • Ann, there’s a difference between grieving the loss of a loved one and self pity. You sound as if you are angry about losing your father, which is understandable. Anger and confusion is also part of the grieving process, especially at your age. We all grieve in our own way. It’s gonna be hard for you and I wish you nothing but the best.

      • Iam 24 years old my mother passed away (3/22/06) I turned 18 (11/25/05) I found out I was 3 weeks pregnant with her first grandbaby 1 week after she passed away I delivered my daughter on 1/1/07 I continued living life with her her daddy my dad and both of my grandparents 2 years after my mom passes away my grandma passed away (12/18/08) I continued from there with my dad and grandpa then then 3 years later my dad passes away (2/11/11) so now I have my grandpa for the next 8 months then he passes away (10/1/11) in between all of them passing away 2 very good long time friends of the family pass away as well so 4 months after my grandpa passed away I delivered my second daughter iam a single mother with 2 beautiful girls trying to make it through life the best I can on my own and it is hard but I have to be strong for my girls

      • My second daughter was born (2/21/12) so just 4 months after my grandpa passed away

    • Expressing grief is part of the process, it is not wallowing. You need to grow up and realize you are in the first state of the grief cycle, denial. Come back when you have excepted your pain.

  176. Hearing these stories makes me cry a liitle harder because I feel the same pain .I have not read one blog i couldnt relate to in some way.
    My mother wasnt my best friend, we butted heads, I completly rebelled. She had a lot of issues and wasnt the most stable parent but she did loved me unconditonally and did a tremendous amount for me.I was unappreciativeand pissed at her for the mental and some physical abuse she had did.
    She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was sixteen, it was awfull, i watched her suffer but it was to hard to really get involved. She was in remission for 4 years I had gone away to college. we spoke alot but the relationship was still really strained. my senior year her cancer came back bad and i left school early because i thought she was going to die. She had a tumor in her intestine and they decided to operate. We signed the d&nr I was ready then, but she fought another year. In that time our relationship had healed a bit but her quality of life was not good. She had felt remorse and so did I but I was never able to have the relationship with her i yearned for because she was too sick and depressed dealing with her own death..
    She died that year, I was next to her. It was the hardest thing i ever had to do. I lost her at 22. My dad was around but met another woman really soon after my mothers death which caused me to feel extremly abandoned by him also. He wasnt good with emotions and kinda tuned it out and siince i was the only one living at home he tuned me out. My brothers are older and we have worked hard to remain close .
    But unfortunatley sincer her death over the past 7 years im 29 now i have this whole in everythnig i do. She never met my husband or saw me get married, We never had the adult or any realationship i always wanted. Now Everyone seems to dissappointment me or i feel lonely because they don’t provide the love, care and constant support only a mother would do.I have close great friends and family who were there for me at my wedding etc, but i have an insatiable longing to be close to a motherly figure and have that type of relationship. i have a husband who is amazingly suportive and helps me as much as he can but i still feel empty, uncared for because i dont have her, I feel/fear my void will never be filled. peoples care is not not enough, its not that relatonship i want and wanted so badlly for my whole life. As I begin to enter the mother hood phase of my life the feeling has become acutly sharp of longing for that. When my mom lost her life i did not realize how it could completly change mine and who I am.

  177. ,I was a very happy child. I always kept to myself. And i was such a mommas girl. My dad was such an amazing man. There wasn’t ever a thing he didn’t do right. Kissed my boo boos helped me play tball. He was a Christian man he worked hard for the lord and loved my mother unconditionally. They were high school sweet hearts. Each others first love. He was so proud of me and my sister. She was a daddies girl. I always loved the feeling of my fathers pride when i would bring him home my straight A report card in school. He was the funniest man on this earth. But on november 25 God took another soldier into his army. I was 10.years old. He had fell asleep and didn’t wake up and never shared his pa in with his kids. One week before i lost the only grandmother i had. He was so strong he showed no weakness and that is why he stayed up all week just to hold up that brick wall for us so we wouldn’t cry so we could have his shoulder. The last night i spent with my dad we went to the grocerie store and he bought me a black bear i have slept with for 6 years. To all the people that say over time it gets easier when you lose your parent, your wrong.o still spend nights closing my eyes prayin to God to let me fell his touch again. HIS gentle kisses. It hurts and you are not alone..my heart is still so empty . It hit me two years later that my dad wasn’t coming home again. And sometimes i still don’t understand why..why my father? God only takes the strongest, the best, the perfect ones. There is always a reason..you’ll be angry ever day you’ll be sad but one day you will see them again..that’s what keeps me going that i will make my father proud. That i can be the best.i can be. I love my father.

  178. I found this blog while googling information on grief. I just turned 27 in June. Lost both my parents @ 26. My Dad died last July – July 29th in my arms in the front yard waiting for paramedics. He died from lung cancer – 3 months after finding out he had it.

    My mom wasn’t easy to get along with and in fact once my Dad passed grief overwhelmed her so much her health declined and this past Feb she died in her bed.

    I am an only child. Lost most of my friendships and relationship between all of this. I only have a couple of family members on both parents’ side that I keep in touch with and an old time friend of my Dad’s is staying with me, helping me grow up as I was quite sheltered. I still don’t even have a license. I have loads of cats my mom and I have both rescued, and even lost my 1st cat, who was 19 years old this past May.

    I am @ a loss right now and dont even know who I am. Support from what family I have left and even my Dad’s friend isn’t there anymore. I don’t want therapy. I’d rather read/reply to bloggers then a complete stranger who is going to tell me what I already know I need to do, but for right now most days I don’t want to wake up or go to sleep.

    I miss my Dad the most, and I’m really scared of life right now and the lack of friendship I have. This is the first time I’ve ever truly been alone and I don’t know how to handle it @ times. Reading this blog and the replies was definitely helpful though. Thank you.

  179. Thank you so much for this post. I am 22 and very unexpectedly lost my mother four weeks ago. It is the most difficult thing I have experienced. I feel robbed of decades with her as my parent and counselor. My support system is so different now– with her gone my relationships with my brothers and father are redefined. I am an adult but I feel very alone without her and don’t have any maternal role models in my family.
    I rely on a strong network of friends, but I feel guilty and self-conscious at times for burdening them too much with my grief. I do not feel in control of my emotions or whether I have a good or bad day.
    Reading this blog and the replies gave me some strength. It is heartening to know that others out there have experienced similar hard times and are learning to cope and eventually to thrive. I know my heart with hurt for a very long time, but one day I hope to remember her happily and feel only a little pain.

  180. I am now 32 but was 25 when I lost my mum to Ovarian Cancer after a 5 month battle. It was 4 days after her 48th birthday. My daughter was 18 months old. 7 years on and I still miss my mum terribly, but I am the only one of all my friends to have suffered such a monumental loss. I think that my friends sometimes feel I should be over it already and yet appreciate that they don’t know how they would be in the same position. I have searched for literature on how to cope but your right, we seem to be an almost unthought of group. As adults we are supposed to get over it, I am still searching for answers as to how x

  181. I lost my mother unexpectedly to cardiac arrest 10 years ago this week. I had just turned 26, and yes, I felt like everyone around me expected me to accept it as a part of growing old, even while they weren’t going through it. It was like I had been pushed out the house into a ragig storm while my friends stayed indoors and peeked through the window at me to see how bad it was out there. I was fortunate to have my sister there to talk to about these things. I remember once she called, telling me she had cried because she saw a trailer for a Star Trek film and was sad that Mom wouldn’t be able to see it — and I told her that the exact same thing had happened to me the day before.

    She didn’t see that Star Trek film, but more importantly, she wasn’t able to share in our joys — the marriages, the job offers, the promotions — and she wasn’t able to give us comfort when we felt pain. Of course you have to become self-reliant and act like an adult, even if your parents are both around, but it’s easy to take for granted the ability to reach out to them for love and empathy, until you can’t anymore. And yes, she’s still with me in spirit as people tried to assure me, but — at the risk off sounding petty — a spirit can’t hug you. A spirit won’t laugh at your jokes. A spirit won’t hold its first grandchild. I’ve put on a brave face and smiled politely at the platitudes but I admit sometimes I wanted to stamp my feet and yell that I didn’t want my mother in spirit, I wanted her back in her house, where I can visit and call her.

    I commend you for writing this post and pointing out that it is different to lose a parent in early adulthood than later — it’s not about whose pain is worse, but it is about regarding it as a different kind of pain than losing a parent when they’ve been a part of your adult life for a long time — and for evoking such an incredible outpouring from other people who’ve been in this situation. I remember 10 years ago, I felt alone, because the one person I’d talk to when no one else would listen wasn’t there. I was feeling that loneliness again when I did a search and came across your post. I feel a lot less alone now.

    And for those who are just now going through this loss — allow yourself time to grieve. Don’t force yourself to a timetable because you think you need to “buck up” — and certainly don’t push yourself to accept the loss for the benefit of anyone else. If your friends don’t want to talk about it, keep a journal or find a support group or talk to a counselor (it doesn’t mean you’re crazy, it just means you need someone to listen to you as you work through an emotionally trying time). Don’t worry if you don’t cry when you think you should (death anniversary, a sad song) or cry as much as your siblings. Don’t think something’s wrong with you if one year a birthday or holiday passes without grief but the next it’s painful. When people say it doesn’t ever go away, take that as an assurance that you’re not weak if you feel sad or cry about your lost parent months or years after they die.

    Thank you again for writing this.

  182. I am 24 my parents are my rock and it scares me to think that i may loose one and I dont maybe I am greedy but I want them their for each milestone but my mom she hasn’t been doing well and a lot of times I will wake up crying so ur not overemotional i think you are like me you found a special bond that no can replace

  183. I think one of the aspects which makes loosing such an important person even harder at this time in our lives is the naivety. At least that was the case for me. I had just turned 21 when my mom passed, I was going to college but still living at home and being completely taken care of…really didn’t have a clue what it was like to be on my own and out in the “real world.” My mom was also a single mother of 3 children, yet was very sucessful. She made it all look just so easy in my eyes, even though I knew she worked very hard, and i took it for granted. That “sheltered” life was all i knew, and its sad because admittingly, I never even got the saying “life is hard.” And now that i’m out on my own it is so much harder, at least it seems that way, and much scarier. I hate that I didn’t ever tell her how proud I was of her or at least gave her the credit she deserved. Thats what i honestly struggle with the most today. And I hate that at realizing for the first time in my life that I really “don’t know it all” comes at the extremely inconvenient time my mother is gone. I will have to continue going and growing all the while knowing that there will never be an opportunity to “relate” with her on all the other upcoming “adult” discoveries that i know this life is bound to now throw at me. It’s like I am a completely different person now and my mom never got to meet this person…the better,”grown” person :( Does anyone else out there feel this way at all?? Or can relate?

  184. im 29, i lost my dad 2 yrs ago i got married last year and we found out 3 weeks before the wedding mum too had cancer she passed away on the 4th April i found out i was pregnant on the 26th April. i find it so difficult to be happy completely understand what u r saying xx

  185. I lost my mom on Dec. 28, 2001. She had emphyzema, COPH, congestive heart failure and dementia. It was a long 2 years to watch her decline and finally pass in her sleep. I think she wanted to see all of her children and family one last time for Christmas. I am now 40 years old and am desperately missing her. I have a beautiful son and wonderful husband but there’s nothing like being able to pick up the phone and call your mom to ask the simplest question about a recipe or tell her your fears of your upcoming doctor appointment or what crazy thing your child said. I had my son 3 years after my mother died and it was the scariest thing I had to go through. I wish from the bottom of my heart that she could have met my son; I know she would have fallen in love with him. I miss her one of a kind laugh. I’m not sure why after 10 years it is hitting me so hard now. Thank you for this post and thank you for letting me unload some of my feelings. My heart goes out to all of you.

  186. Im 26, I lost my dad (age 67) suddenly on August 2, 2012. He was on a ladder at our vacation property when he fell from only a few steps up, but the way he landed caused severe bleeding on the brain. My family – my mom (age 53), sister (age 29), her husband (age 30) and my fiancee (age 28) – were all with him when it happened. The doctors did the best they could but ultimately he was declared brain dead so we made the agonizing decision to say goodbye and donate his organs.

    I always thought it was a cliche but in the blink of an eye my entire world caved in around me. My dad had just retired in June, I was planning my wedding for next summer, we had so many future plans for our family of 6 and now everything has changed. I have moved back home to be with my mom to support her as best as I can. Reading everyone’s stories on this blog have provided me with some comfort in knowing there are others out there (in this stage of life) who have also dealt with such loss. Many of what has been written is what has been going through my mind the past few weeks and its nice to know Im not alone. I feel so numb from everything, still in shock, maybe even denial, I just feel like a switch in me went off and I feel like I am just going through the motions of life, not actually living, as if my mind is unable to even process what is happening. Its hard to support my mom and be strong for her when I myself am grieving the loss of my dad but I know that I need to help her as much as I can.

    My dad was the most amazing, kind-hearted man on this planet, why this had to happen to him I will never know. Life seems so unfair but I know he would want me to keep moving, keep living. Thank you all for sharing your stories and allowing me to share mine.

  187. Hi,
    I lost my mam when i was 20, that was 14 years ago. it did take me along time to get over her death. I was the oldest of 4 at the time with 3 younger siblings, 17, 11 and 4. It was heartbreaking at the time looking at my younger brothers, that was what was so hard for me, knowing they wouldnt have her for as long as i did. My father is an alcholic which really didnt help. alot happened after her death. I remember feeling jealous of my friends for still having there mams there for them, doing there washing, cooking dinners, giving them advice etc. I felt it every mothers day, christmas, birthday anniversery. The first year i couldnt even say it to a stranger for at least 6 months as i would get that lump in my throat and just start crying, i cried rivers the first year. She was epiletic and died very suddenly, no chance to say goodbye, no chance to say i love you.

    What i found helpful afterwards was going to a medium, hearing she was happy and looking out for us really helped somewhat but didnt fill the gap of the loss. Her not being there when i bought my first car, house, had a baby, new boyfriend, bad boyfriends, needing advice, all the things mothers do for you. they were all though for me specially not been close to my father. But you do get through it.

    14 years later i am very happy, i know shes looking out for us and i know shes happy were she is. It hasnt been easy all the way for me, there was alot of bumps in the road where my family was concerned especially my father, i ended up looking after my siblings for a number of years as he wasnt capable, couldnt stay out of the pub.

    cut a long story short, be kind to yourself, talk talk talk its good for you and your soul in my experince and have fun. Your parents will only want the best for you, seeing you happy is a job accomplished for a parent. isnt that what we all want for our own children.

  188. Thank you for writing this. I am just beginning this thought process for the first time as a 24 year old who lost her mother 4 weeks ago to suicide. My father has been out of my life for 3 years, so in a sense, my brother and I have been orphaned by my mother’s sudden death.

    While we sort through things my mother kept around the house, my brother and I are finding all sorts of items that were seemingly sentimental to her, probably things that she saved to pass down to us for the next generation. But these are things that we have no idea about. We don’t know who made knitted blankets, or what purposes certain things served. We’re missing out on a future with our mother, yes, but we’re also beginning to realizing how much of the past we are missing out on. Memories, stories about us or herself that I counted on her to tell to a future husband and children. Things that she may or may not have ever mentioned that we will now never be able to recount in a meaningful way.

    I’m finding it strange how much of my self-identity has been tied to my parents. Even though I’ve been finding a sense of self for just a few years now, I feel as though I’m beginning at square one again. It’s as if this one single event changed my life so much that my life’s purpose cant be anything but redefined all over again. I know that I don’t have anyone left in the world that loves me unconditionally like the one who brought me into the world. It’s easy to feel abandoned, left to both rejoice and struggle alone. And I’m sure that in time, I will feel these sentiments both heavier and lighter than I do now, and in cycles. I can’t imagine that the sting I feel now, while learning what I’m currently missing out on, will ever dissolve as I continue to grow into adulthood. I think I will be surprised by the amount of times I find myself wanting and needing a mother more than any other entity.

    • Angela, it is really really tough when you lose your mum. You realise so much about what they meant after they are gone and there is nothing you can do about this. You have to cherish the memories you have and just try and get through things a day at a time. My mum died suddenly when i was 3 months pregnant and again you just think of all the things you won’t share with her. She will always be with you, as you are apart of her. Slowly things change and you learn to live with it. There are alot of people grieving and it does help to talk. Hang in there and just go with things as they come. You do look at things with a different perspective after losing your mum, but after a while you can cherish the memories. Look after yourself and hang on to your brother as you are both going through the same thing in different ways.

  189. Angela- I understand you in many ways. I did not loose my mother the same way, but my father and i are also estranged from one another and it’s so hard to come to grips with the true reality of “being on your own, and really on your own.” It is funny how you say you are surprised to learn of how much of your identity is tied to your mom…when they were here we didn’t think much about that, if at all. We think we are 100% our own person, and that we already “know it all.” And then bam, the person whose known us the longest is gone and it’s like we are babies all over in a sense, confused as to who we really are, like you say at square one again. It is a very uncomfortable feeling, I can relate…you really do become a changed person from this and you do have to start over in a way, but as time goes on you will start to find yourself again. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that this hurt will ever go completely away because it doesn’t, and you will have times when your mother is the only person you desperately need and long for…but…it does slowly get better with time. When people told me that to begin with I said yeah right, you have no idea what this feels like, my mom was my best friend, it could never in a million years get better…but it does, it really does. You just eventually get to a point where you realize yeah life really does go on and i’m ready to move along with it.. the tragedy and hurt becomes manageable for you to be able to live again. It will take time though, so don’t get upset with yourself if your hurt doesn’t subside much for awhile. Just be good to yourself and try to find some source of stability in the meantime through your brother, friends, a boyfriend, relative, just whoever. And don’t be afraid to talk, talk, talk it’s really helpful in your healing. And Never give up.

  190. Wow! It is a relief to know I am not alone. I lost my mother to Brest cancer 10 months ago on new year’s eve. She was first diagnosed during my first year of law school when I was 24. There was no “physical” separation” as I first lived at home to go to school; then stayed to have as much of a relationship with her as I could. Later my presence was necessary as a caregiver. I am still living at home because I feel guilty leaving my dad even though I want to move in with my boyfriend.

    As far as nursing homes go, I’ve experienced the “joy” of that. During the last four months of her life my mom lost her sight, ability to walk, and strength to lift her legs. After 3 weeks living in the hospital (yes I spent everynight on a chair) my dad and I had 24 hrs to pick a nursing home. Imagine being 28 and finding a nursing home for your 58 year old mother. Dad and I did not have the skills or physical strength to care for her in the state she was in. I spent everyday there and spent every night in the last two months. I got to experience the joys of committing a parent to a home without the prvilege of her growing old.

    10 months later I am still floored by the loss. I am incredibly angry at the stolen years. 4 months after her death my boyfriend tells me “it’s been six months you should be getting better.” He is older than me and has never lost a parent. I must have missed the memo containing the deadline for my grief.

    Even though I am “old” now at 29 I got my first salaried position 2 months after her death. She never got to celebrate my first lawyer job after a 2 year search. My boyfriend and I are not married nor engaged (but we have been together two years). She’ll never see my wedding or my future children. I can’t alcall her and ask for child rearing advice. I won’t be able to express to my own mother the joys and challenges of being a mother myself.

    I am an only child and have the pleasure of trying to fill my mom’s role with my grandmother who is 89 and doing poorly.

    I apologize if my tone sounds bitter but I am bitter about the loss. I completely relate to your (the blogger’s) feelings. Bottom line for dealing with rest of society…if you haven’t walked this road, you don’t understand and no, you cannot relate.

  191. I lost my mom in September 2012 from aml leukemia (aggressive bone marrow/blood cancer).
    I cry constantly. Its scary to think the pain never eases…
    It is most troubling knowing that she will never meet my future husband or meet her grandchildren. I wanted to call her for advice today on a recipe but forgot I couldn’t. I don’t have a dad. Just a step dad who mourns her and I feel terrible. They were soulmates and married 7 short years.
    I think about my mom in heaven.. so peaceful, pain free and happy. I wish she was still here but I could never take her from heaven and put her back in her sick body. My mom died young so I’m sure she’s beautiful. I have dreams about her and she never has her cancer filled body but rather her young healthy body, long blonde hair and a big smile.
    I don’t think it will ever get easier.. but I think God will let them touch our lives in different ways. :)
    Victoria

  192. I also lost my mom. I am 27 years old with a 16 month old. I was named executor of her estate in her will and I struggle everyday to keep myself together as my whole family seems to be in pain. I hope that the pain gets easier…

    Christy

  193. Well I know the pain, I am 16, 17 in march and I lost my mommy the 23rd, and said final goodbyes a couple of hours ago. It’s absolutely killing me and idk what to do without her, it’s literally tearing me to shreds, but ill live. Ill just have to keep on going, idk how but I have to. :( </3 r.i.p mommy! Ur so special to me, I love you. And so glad you got your wish, to go home with god and Jesus and see all of her loved ones and be out of pain and suffering because she had serious health problems.

  194. Thank u guys for sharing your stories. Sometimes I feel like an outsider with my situation. I was 16 when my dad committed suicide a week after mine and his birthday. Out birthdays are at the end of this month feb 26(my dads) 27 (mine). It’s been almost 6 years for him and 4 years for my stepmom but the hardest park was losing my mom she had a brain aneurism a little over 2 years ago which happened 12 days before her wedding. I feel lucky enough that she was there for my highschool graduation but now that I’m in collage almost 3 years later I wish she could be here to see this. I miss her everyday. It’s like I try to hold back my feelings and simply just not think about it. People say loss gets easier with time but I highly disagree. She won’t be there for the major milestones in my life. I hate telling people what is wrong with me for the precise reason I hate their reactions. For me I tell them not to be sad but to be happy that I am still here and that I am going to overcome this depression and rock this world. God bless all of you and remember god never gives us more than we can handle and just because we found ourselves in a ditch doesn’t mean we should not attempt to pull ourselves out and enjoy the sunshine.

  195. Hi Val. Thanks for sharing your experience, and sorry about your mother. May she rest in peace.
    I am a 27 years old young woman and I am still way young looking and young at heart for my age. My father passed away about 20 days ago, of a heart attack. My mom left him at home before going to work and came back to him laying next to his bed, lifeless. I study abroad (my dad had helped me do so and follow my dream to become an ocean scientist), and it took me 2 days to even get to my home. I didnt see him dead, I wasnt with him, hell I even missed his funeral, which in my culture must be done within 24 hours. I cant express how broken I feel. I was the last child and me and my dad have a very close relationship. I miss him more than life itself… I feel terrible all I came home to see is a pile of soil that is his grave. I had been planting flowers there but I had to leave back to my semester and to work, a world away, leaving my mom alone in the house. I cant even explain the way I feel. Mostly that I feel empty and that i do not trust this universe nearly as much as I did before it happened. I am confused about everything and extremely demotivated.
    Is there anything that helped you through this extremely tough time ?
    I hope you are doing better…
    ps. My sister is 5 months pregnant :( so she is going through the same thing you are.
    God bless.

  196. I just found this blog. I wish I would have found it sooner. My mom died suddenly about a year and a half ago – just 2 days before my first daughter was born. Only 2 very short, horrible days. I lost my mom and then became one without having time to grieve. I often thought if you want to know what a crazy person feels like, this must be it: having one of the saddest moments of your life coincide with one of the happiest. I still don’t know how I made it through labor. Anyway. I’m just now starting to really grieve (who had the time with a newborn?!). Plus, there were many other obstacles that same year that I won’t get into here that didn’t leave me with time. I wish no one else had to go through this, but it’s nice knowing I’m not alone.

    • Shell–You aren’t alone. You aren’t. It’s so hard isn’t it? And I too had a lot of ‘extras’ that year. I’m so glad you shared your story with me tonight, but so very sorry for the loss you’ve experienced.

  197. I came across your blog. I searched losing parents at a young age. I am 36 years old and lost my mom 7 years ago to breast cancer when she was only 52 years old. I was 29. My dad just passed away last summer of a heart attack at 61yrs. I tell myself that I am lucky to have had such great parents growing up and that my dad was able to walk me down the isle and meet both my kids. My youngest was 4 months old when my dad died. My mom never saw me get married or meet my kids. I am feeling very alone and overwhelmed! I have a wonderful, supportive husband and his family is great, but it is not the same. I could totally relate with not having my mom to help me with the kids. When my mom died, my dad and I became super close. He watched my daughter for me all the time and he often would go run errands with me and the kids. I would call him and vent to him like I would if he were my mother. We had a relationship like most my friends have with their mother. I had a miscarriage before I had my youngest was born and he was so supportive during that difficult time.

    I take my daughter to school and we attend her special functions and performances. These kids always seem to have their grandparents around and the moms have their moms to help. I sometimes start to feel sorry for myself. Both my parents had their parents when they were raising kids. I always thought I would too. Why did my brother and I get cheated? I have days when I feel like how am I supposed to live a long life without my parents support? I just don’t like thinking about the days ahead. I try to take it day by day. It’s been almost 8 months since my dad’s been gone and it seems to be getting harder.

    I appreciate the opportunity to share my feelings. I appreciate you sharing yours. It helps to see that I am really not alone in this. There are others who feel my pain and loss. I just don’t have too many around me that do.

  198. Hey. Just to add my thanks to the wall of grateful daughters out there. I sympathise soo much- I am 23 and I lost my Mum in November ’12 to cancer. You’re not overly sensitive, or making a deal of nothing. Everything you say has total resonance for me, excepting the fact that I am not yet a wife or mother myself. It just is heartbreaking; just when you think you’re on an even keel, sadness wells up from nowhere. I feel like I am out of step with a lot of my friends now. A lot of my friends are getting engaged and married these days, so they are beginning to build their own family units. Some other friends still live at home with parents- I was one of them. Now I live alone, and it is hard, very hard sometimes. My Mum and I would sit and drink tea together every night and just talk. So many stories in my head are her stories…. I remind myself often of them so as not to forget them. I am lucky in that many of my Mum’s friends have remained in touch. Some I even go out for dinner with. I miss that older, wiser female figure in my life. I guess I find it in a way in my mum’s friends. Don’t ever feel silly for what you write, because you write what you feel, and feelings are our very essence. That you have this depth of capacity to feel tells me you will be an incredibly loving Mom to your daughter. I pray for strength to guide you through the darker days. Remember, too, that your Mom’s blood flows in you, and so she lives on in you.

  199. Hi, as i read this with tears falling down my face i am contemplating copying and pasting this to my family and friends so they can finally understand..my dad was my life and my sole purpose in life was to make him smile. I graduated from college and saw his smile proud of what i accomplished. My only other dream was to place my daughter in his arms and see him smile proud of me because now i would be a mom. I never had that dream come true. My dad passed away while i was 5 months pregnant, and the fact that my daughter will never meet the greatest man i know is now my biggest tragedy other than his loss. How to grieve when she will never know him and i will never see him smile at her i dont know. But at least i now know im not alone in my thoughts thank you for posting your feelings and thoughts on the subject it in turn helped me understand mine.

    • Lorayne, I had a similar relationship with my father. I wanted so much to always make him proud of me. He did get to meet my children, but my mom did not. It is very hard and I know your pain. Your daughter will know him if you always show her pictures of him, talk about him and share stories of him. My children will know and never forget their grandparents because I will make sure of it. I hope you are able to find some comfort during this extremely difficult time.

  200. I just lost my dad on Dec 27, 2012. I gave birth to my son on Nov. 8, 2012. My dad died from stage IV liver cancer, and my husband, my son, my step mom, step brother and myself were with him at home when he died. My uncle (his brother) died 3 mos later from colon cancer, we went to the funeral. I don’t know how to process this grief and be a new mom at the same time. I am 30 yo and I understand your position. Though it was my father, he was my rock and best friend…my bio mom and I aren’t close.

    • I’m so sorry, Danielle.. I so understand being stranded between the grief and being a new Mom. You are not alone in your feelings. One thing that kept me going was remembering that my Mom taught me to have strength and that the strength she gave me was going to bring me through the storm. It has, and it has brought me through others since.

  201. I lost my mom at age 41. She died as (practically) a vegetable. She was only 68. Her mother lived until 93, and even her older sister who is 88 survived bone cancer, so it just feels wrong. She was a strong woman. My father had to make the painful decision to allow “hospice” to stop feeding her, to dehydrate her. This was after spending 3 years as her nurse, changing her diaper, spoon feeding her until she could no longer swallow, etc. She suffered from an undiagnosed brain illness that started with full body seizures and lesions on an MRI. Slowly, she became more and more brain damaged. I always held out hope that they would find a cure for her, but they never did. Her brain atrophied to such an extent that she lost all functioning. Even the doctors told us to “pull the plug”. My mother lost the ability to form sentences 3 years ago. She gave us eye contact, but we never knew how much she understood. It may sound selfish, but I feel like I lost her at 38, because I could no longer call her up, take her out to eat, discuss our lives. She was laying in a hospital bed at home, in a minimally conscious state. It’s been less than a week since she officially died. It’s very sad, and as I read though other people’s stories, it lessens my burden. Especially hearing of other only child daughters like myself. As you can imagine, my mom and me were incredibly close. I still have my father, but it’s not the same. I am not married, and I am actively dating, hoping to find a good man and have my own child. I will name her Helen or Allen after the wonderful spirit who was my mom. I love her so much! Sometimes I see glimpses of her in my own reflection or mannerisms. I hope that I can live up to her goodness. She always gave me her best and I was the love of her life as a child. If angels can read this, I want her to know how much I adore her! Thank you for this blog, and everyone BE STRONG. Your mothers would all want you to be happy, and lead productive lives. Keep your moms alive in your actions, in all the good she taught you. God bless everyone here..

  202. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing this post. The fact that you are still receiving comments on it, six years later, is a testament to how strongly your words resonate.

    I lost my mother somewhat unexpectedly (she was ill for about 3 weeks) when my first son, my only son, was just 12 weeks old. I thought that I was the only person in the world in this circumstance. My entire experience of motherhood has been colored by her death and my grief. I wonder what it must be like to go through that first year of motherhood, experiencing all the joys and “firsts” and everything as a normal new mother, without that huge, huge insurmountable mountain of grief on top of it all.

    My son is now almost 5 and I have decided to have no other children. It’s not that I don’t want any. It’s just remembering how happy I was when I was pregnant, after struggling with infertility for four years, how excited my mom was to be a grandma, how I shared EVERYTHING about my pregnancy with her. How happy I was. And then my son was born, and I would call her daily, more than daily, for the first two months of his life with every little update, every coo, every giggle, I’d send her every little photo I took on my phone. And then she got sick, all of a sudden, and then suddenly she was gone.

    I love my son with all my heart, but I am not the mother to him that I was, that I could have been, that I should have been, because a huge, giant chunk of my heart is just gone.

    • Jackie, Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story and your thoughts. Your words resonate with *me* so much tonight. I so much know what you mean to wonder what it would have been like to have kids under normal circumstances. Though I had two more neither time did anything feel ‘normal’ and a lot of that had to do with the huge hole in my life where my Mom used to be.

      I want to encourage you to know that you are a good Mom. That you are exactly the Mom your child is supposed to have, even with the missing of your Mom being such a prominent thing in your life. While your child may have seen you mother with more support and confidence because of her presence supporting you, Your child instead sees the resilience and strength that she passed on in you allowing you to pick up and keep going all the time. They see your commitment to remembering her and honoring connections even when death gets in the way. Those are incredible lessons that they will take on with them.

      Again, thanks so much for talking to me tonight. It means a lot to me.

      Val

    • Oh, Jackie. I know how you feel. My mom died suddenly on a Monday morning, I went into the hospital the next day and gave birth to my first baby on Wednesday – only two days later. I was devastated. I, too, feel like my entire experience of motherhood (and childbirth) have been colored by my mother’s death. I don’t think I want to have a second child for a few reasons, but one reason is because I can’t help but think about how horrible the beginning of everything was for me. I feel bad that I was such a horrible mess for my daughter at the beginning of things. However, I’m sure we are both doing our best as mothers in honor of our own mothers, who would expect nothing less of us. I really like Val’s comment in response to your post about us showing our children strength and resilience – it’s a valuable lesson to pass on to them. Losing a mom at the same time as becoming a mom is a hell of a thing to have to experience. I hope we both heal with time.

  203. My mother died last month, she was not sick at all… It was so unexpected, I had just moved back home with my 5 month old daughter. I am so saddened and miss her terribly but my heart also aches for my daughter… She will not get to experience the love of her grandma. My life feels like it was turned upside down.

    • I’m so sorry, Chelsea. I’m listening, and I’m so sorry this happened. I know the feeling of your life turning upside down. Please know that you are not alone.

  204. I am also an only child, I am 20 years old, my daugther Chloe was 4 months old when my mother died 5 months ago on New Years Eve. She was a beautiful person, and my best friend. She used to tell me you can’t understand what it feels like to lose someone close to you until it happens its not something that anyone can explain or prepare you for. I think you know that in 10 years or even 50 years its not going to be easy. Everytime a memory comes to your mind it hits you just as hard. I am TOTALLY CHANGED absolutely. To make matters worse my parents divorced 2 years ago and my Dad has a new family, he never calls me anymore and he hates to come over to my house because he doesn’t want to be reminded of my mom. I feel like Ive lost my dad at the same time. I feel awkward around other mothers because this is a time that I should be happy and enjoying everything just like they are. I have so many questions, my sense of security has been deminished, it hurts to hear people say “death is apart of life”
    I appreciate life so much more and even if on the outside i am misunderstood i finally know who i am and i Love myself more than I ever have before.

  205. I lost my mother 89 days ago to cancer. I still can’t believe it. In a way, I could say I was blessed to have been able to be by her side though out her unfortunate, heart breaking journey of this terrible illness. From the day she was diagnosed until the day God took her soul, I was lucky enough to be her primary care-giver and was able to form a bond like we have never had before. A sense of closeness that I never wanted to end. We were like one person. We completed each other. My mom and I were always close, but I can’t help but regret going though those silly teenage years, and distancing myself from her. I missed out on so much with her! So many more stories I could have cherished, but unfortunately I realized that my best friend for life was living in the same house as me…a little too late. From the time she was diagnosed up until her last day, was about 2 years. I saw everything. Yet I can’t grasp the concept that she is no longer here. I too find that I want to just give her a call, or go see her. It’s difficult for me because I was living with my mom my entire life, up until i graduated from college. I chose to not work until she got better, because she really did need me. I was her only child and she and my dad had spilt up when i was younger. She is, and i speak in present tense because I do feel her presence so much, is such an extraordinary woman. I wish everyone could have met my mother. Everyone who she ever met, on only had positive things to say about her, how much of an impact she made on all of their lives, simply from her love of life itself. She didn’t get things her way at all many many times, yet still managed to live life to the fullest. Such a beautiful soul she has. I am now living on my own for the very first time, and soon will be starting my first job. It’s scary. I’m going through a period where I literally don’t know what to do with my days or with myself. I just feel so….lost. Everyone around me has been SO supportive, and is trying their best to comfort me. But i still feel so alone, and sad. It’s a kind of heartbreak that I just can’t put into words, and it makes it that much harder for people around me to understand my pain. Although I haven’t start a family of my own yet, I can’t even fathom what it would be like to have such a huge event happen in my life and not have my mom there to share it with me! I just had my 24th birthday a month ago. It’s the first occasion after losing my mom. I really didn’t know how i felt about it. I felt that it was her day, not mine. I did however end up having a wonderful day, having a surprise dinner organized by close friends, it was so lovely. But there was a void. It just wasn’t the same without my mom. After the dinner my best friend took me to the side, and told me she had a present from my mom. Hearing those words made my heart just drop. I didn’t know what she meant. She said a couple months prior, my mom had told her what she wanted to get me for my birthday. She wanted to name a star after me, she said that’s what I was for taking such good care of her. I obviously cried my eyes out. And was so happy that my mom was indeed with me that day after all. I couldn’t believe how thankful she was for so little that i had done for her, in comparison for the countless things she had done for me within those 23 years. So pure and so good she is. She honestly was my number one fan and showed me a kind of love i can and will never ever experience again in my life. Especially being an only child, and knowing i was her everything, and that she genuinely meant it when she used to say she lived just for me, breaks my heart into a million pieces. Because there is just so much more i wish i could have given back to her, for all the sacrifices she has made for me. Although I am a firm believer in God, it just doesn’t seem fair. We tried so hard and prayed so hard, and she was so unbelievably amazing throughout it all..always positive, laughing, joking, using every ounce of strength her body had to fight as hard as she could. And all she wanted was to live. Even if it was just a little longer. She had so much to give to this world still.. And i feel that because i have this blessed privilege to be alive today, i should be making the most out of every minute, for her. Because I know that is what she would want. For me to be okay. For me to still be grateful and thankful and make a positive difference every single day that i have here on earth. But i just can’t seem to do it. Even the basics, i am struggling so badly. I don’t know how to get out of it, i just don’t. It’s like a block that I’m too scared to move out of my way, because I’m in fear of whats to come. Im so scared to have my life be okay and normal without her. i don’t want this to be the norm. Apart of me wants to be upset and miserable. My feelings seem to be contradicting each other constantly, and its so frustrating! I can’t apologize enough for everyones loss on this blog. May all your loved ones beautiful souls be resting in peace in the presence of God in heaven. Thank you for giving me an outlet to let some things off of my chest. Even if no one reads this, it has helped me today. Thank you so much. God Bless you all.

  206. I found this by googling how to cope with losing your mom at 25. My mom died April 20th after we made the decision to withdraw her care after we were told she was completely brain damaged due to ruptured aneuysms. I am still in college with a year to go before graduation. I had to withdraw from my classes. I have had such a hard time dealing with her being gone. My boyfriend has had to drag me out of bed. I don’t like being around large groups of people. I am usually wanting to go out and go dancing or something so this is very uncharacteristic of me. I talked to her everyday. We were girlfriends. Her advice meant so much to me. I trusted her so much. I feel so lost without being able to talk to her. I’m always thinking about how she won’t get to see me graduate next year and how she won’t get to see me get married or have those mother daughter wedding day pictures or be there when i have grandkids or give me advice on being a mom and w a wife. I feel everything you said here is very true. I was having a very difficult time finding resources on coping with losing a parent in early adulthood.

  207. I also found this while googling “losing a parent in your 20’s.” I lost my Dad the night before Christmas Eve, 2012; he passed away while I was on the train, en route to see him. He’d had cancer since I was in college, though understanding someone is sick and watching a parent deteriorate are still far different from hearing, “He just died.” My grandfather, my father’s father, passed away this week, which has catapulted me right back into the weeks following my father’s death. You’re all not alone, it’s also difficult for me to fathom all of the major life events (graduating from my current program, getting married, having children) without him present. It’s also really difficult to describe this loss to my friends and boyfriend, as well as to find any information regarding the loss of a parent in this age group… but I’m very happy to read everyone’s stories and find similar thoughts.

  208. Hi!
    I’m Bekah and I’m 22 years of age. I haven’t lost my mother yet, but I’m afraid I’m going to one of these days. My mother is my best friend, my support, my rock, pretty much everything. Yes, I still live at home and I’m a full time college student. My mother has been through a lot and well, sometimes when she’s gone at a bigger hospital, I worry, cry and literally have an aniexty attack. I’ve recently been diagnosed as obessed with my mom, and I know I sound like a freak or something stupid like that but I don’t care, I’m the only child. Today my mom has pneumonia, a left foot infection and conjunctive heart failure. Back in June she was rushed to a hospital where she nearly lost her life and as I’m sitting here writing this, I cannot imagine my life without my mom, I was wondering if anyone felt the same way I do?
    Thanks,
    Bekah

  209. Although in my small community, I know no one that I can relate to in terms of loss in their 20’s, it is good to stumble apon a blog online that describes almost to a t what I am going through. Being raised by my grandmother from 12-17, losing my dad @ 16, losing my mother @ 24, & losing my grandmother @ 26, none of them being able to be present at my wedding, my 1st child’s birth, & now my 2nd child’s birth soon, I can only describe a daily emptiness that few can understand. It’s one thing to ‘get over’ their initial losses, it’s another thing to not have them there in your life daily, or in the big moments, let alone the loss of grandparents your children are robbed of. I thought I was doing much better of dealing with them not being there anymore, but now that I’m pregnant again, with no real living family around anymore, I find myself back into a slumped depressed mode that feels so much more than just partum depression or ‘hormones,’ like so many like to chalk it up to in order to not have to listen to my pain. I find myself feeling that if people can’t respect where I am emotionally right now, than I just won’t share with them anymore where I am, which makes me feel even more secluded & closed off, but I feel I’d rather have that than tried to be shut up because they don’t want to hear my ‘sobb story.’ It’s really too bad our society lacks such ability to empathize. Maybe that’s why we have so many people go off their rockers & lash out, who knows.

    • I hear you Stephanie. I really do. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply, but I hear you. Yours isn’t a sob story. It’s very real, valid emotions from losing someone who was SO important to you. I’m glad you’re talking about it. I hope you will find more safe places to do so.

  210. Dear Dig Toes In- THANK YOU!!!!! I never really searched for something like this I guess, but my mother passed when I was 22 years old. I didn’t have a conventional upbringing, but she was my mom. She was the woman who taught me strategy yet let me win at tic tac toe and checkers. She was the woman who played pig pong (seriously- that’s almost as bad for a single mom in a rural area as busy busy bumblebees, looking back). She was was the mom that did my mascara before dance recitals and brushed it from my face when I cried when I (I mean everyone else) fucked up. She was my mom who hugged me and cried with me when I failed at 4th grade cheer-leading tryouts. She also yelled at me and spanked me (maybe twice- but i was vicious) and grounded me. She taught me love from hate and right from wrong. And then she was my mom who held me when I cried after a “boy” broke my heart. She was also the “cool” mom who walked in on me once in my bedroom smoking “oregano” at 17 and just sat in the middle of me and my friends making it hilarious and awkward at the same time. I was grounded, and accepted it. She even told me about the first time she smoked “oregano”, and fell asleep. I believed her because my mother never lied. She always taught me not to lie and to this day honesty is one of my best traits- my mother taught me not to take shit and to always say what I thought as long as I said it as nicely as possible. My mother was also bipolar so i only lived with her through half of my formative years. However by my junior/ senior year in college she was amazing and we were best friends. I called her at least once a day, usually twice, because i wanted to talk to her about everything- I was just beginning to develop my adult relationship with my mother. Then I got a call from a random neighbor I didn’t know in November 04 telling me she found my mom driving around lost and helped her get home- i thought my mom was drunk and wrote it off. I even asked the Samaritan if she smelled like alcohol and she said no, but I thought nothing of it. Then on Valentine’s Day of 2005 I got a call from my father around 6-8pm saying she had a brain tumor and they were doing surgery the next day. She survived surgery but was diagnosed with Stage 4 Glioblastoma and given 6 months – 5 years. Three months later I graduated from Florida State- I was so self absorbed that I didnt realize my grandmother was saying goodbye to her only living daughter (her other daughter passed from lung cancer 5 years prior). I just was angry that my mom was dying. But I will never forget looking up at the stands as I knew my mother was there and I was making her happy. I even cried during the commencement speech. Because I knew my mother knew she was passing soon and she was so happy and proud and full of love, yet regretted that she wouldn’t be there, for me. THAT is what my mother taught me, my entire life- pure, selfless love for other people.

  211. I’m facing the loss of my mum also. She has been diagnosed with a terminal lung disease and I don’t even know what the prognosis is as it’s like a the white elephant in the room.

    I wish I could say that reading other people’s stories is comforting….it’s not. It just makes me so so scared if what’s to come and how I’ll cope. I am married and was hoping to start a family in a year or so but now i can’t decided whether to start now so I can at least tell my mum in pregnant and see the look on her face, but then face the fear or grieving when pregnant. It even makes me wonder whether I even want a family at all as at sometime, this will have to happen to them! I almost lost my dad three years ago as well but luckily he pulled through. I just wish there was some hope.

    Xxx

    • Katy, there is always hope, it’s just that sometimes the hope changes forms. I hope you’ll talk to your Mom about what the prognosis may be and what her feelings are about that. That’s something I regret not doing more for my Mom.

      I know it’s scary and I wish I could tell you ‘it won’t be as hard as you think,’ but that’s not the truth and I’m not a liar. ;) I can tell you that what got me through the loss of my mother was the strength she had poured into me. I know you will find that strength too.

      Val

  212. Hi, I’m *Anonymous* and lost my mother less than three weeks ago. I’m 18 and the only reason my mother saw me graduate high school was because she encouraged me to graduate a year early. She was diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer in 2009. Unfortunately, stage 0 doesn’t always stay stage 0, and it can even return. This year we found out it had rapidly spread to the Lungs, Brain, Liver and Bones. She battled breast cancer for 4 and a half long years. The entire time I was in high school, this was a life event. All of the years of my, dare I say, “Mature” life were spent knowing this was a possibility and eventually a probability. I’m not as young as some, but I’m certainly not as old as most. To say I’m “Confused” would be an understatement. I have always been a planner. I planned to graduate high school early and I graduated early. I planned to start college before graduating high school. I now have 60 credits and am on schedule to graduate with my BA before I turn 20. My mother always gave me the motivation, the encouragement, and even the resources to achieve things. “You need to stay motivated. You need to stay encouraged. You need to keep doing things.” These are things people keep telling me. I know I need to move forward with my life. That’s what my mother would have wanted, but I don’t quite know how. I never had a chance to have an Adult to Adult relationship with her. There was no “Distance” between us. If anything we were closer than ever and I have to find a way to accept the fact that she will never see who I become, my college graduation, my first date, my first girlfriend, my first fiancee, wife, or child. Nothing about this is “normal.” No one is telling me to “suck it up.” Sadly, people do slap assumptions on loss. I’m not sure why; and I’m not sure what to do about it. My mother was a wonderfully loving person, who was always smiling. She had a level head and could always apply logic and give sound advice. She will truly be missed. As I read through the comments I’m glad that most of you also have fond memories of your parents. And to all of you who have gone through, are going through or will go through grief, I wish the best. -God Bless-

  213. Finally something I can relate to. I lost my mother at 23 from cancer. I’m 24 and at times, I feel so lost without having my mom to turn to. Thank you for sharing your story.

  214. I lost my mom in 2010. I was 22years old. She passed away less than a month after my second child was born. I lived 1,000 miles from home with my husband who deployed 3 short months after her death. My oldest son was almost 3, i had a newborn, my husband was leaving and my mom was gone. Everyones situation is different on what they feel but my main feeling was abandonment. Where was i supposed to get my advice from? Who was i supposed to call with questions about what to do? Now that its been 3 years, and we’ve added another child to our family, a little girl named after both her late grandmothers, a born day before the 2 year anniversary of my mothers death, i still have those feelings. Not as strong but they are still there. If you have any questions about my situation please ask.

    • Stephanie, my situation was eerily similar. When I lost my Mom I had a 3 and a half year old. A month after she died my husband deployed. Yes, that feeling of abandonment was THICK. Who was supposed to be there for ME? I hear all of this, I get how it can linger even years later. I’m with you on this journey.

    • Oh Stephanie—Your experience sounds SO MUCH like mine. My husband left a month after my Mom died for a deployment as well. Yes, that feeling of abandonment was so strong. I’m so sorry that you went through that. So glad that you shared your story here.

  215. My name is Alyse and I am going through this now. My father passed away two weeks ago in a tragic car accident and I am struggling with a lot of things at just 26 years old. My son just turned a year old and I am so sad that he will not get the opportunity to know the greatest man ive ever known and been proud to call him my dad. I teach kindergarten and I am busy all day, and busy with a one year old and a husband at home all night and really haven’t gotten that time to grieve. I go do his grave-site and just cry and talk to him like he is there… I hope with all my being he can somehow hear me when i talk to him. I loved my father with all my heart, but I am still a child in my own way, and almost feel abandoned. Is that strange? I don’t like it when people tell me that he is in a better place because what better place to be than here with his family who love him and his grandchildren and children. I am just having a hard time understanding death and trying to make myself understand that it is REAL, and not something that will change. I am just having a hard time dealing with the fact he is gone forever. He wont get to watch my son grow up and he wont get to help me parent. I am just at a loss… Thanks for posting, this is the first time i have let me feelings out. Thank you.. God Bless .

  216. Hi
    Sorry to hear about your mom . I have lost my mom at 16 . She commited suicide after finding out my dad had cancer . She was sure he would die and couldn’t imagine a life without him . She was right in the end a year after my mother passed my dad died while I was 17 and 4 months pregnant. I had no time to grief with becomig homeless , no family support and a little baby on the wat . I’m 28 now and have a gorgeous 10 year old . But by loosin my parents I lost myself . It’s like I keep trying to hang on to the past so much to not forget them and not forget who I was before they passed that I don’t leave space for growth .
    Wendy

  217. I know this feeling, I can’t find comfort in any books or on websites because none are specific to my situation. I lost my mom 9/15/2013 I am 22 and her passing came just a few weeks shy of my son’s first birthday. we had moved in together as tge golden girl (: when I was pregnant and she was definitely the help that I needed to be a productive mother.

  218. I lost my mother 10 months ago very suddenly and at only 59 years of age. She was absolutely my best friend and there isn’t a day that goes past that I don’t miss her. It’s now complicated by the fact that 3 months ago, I found out I was pregnant. It makes everything so much more real. I too have experienced those people who think I should ‘just get over it’. How are you supposed to do that? How are you supposed to deal with the idea that you’ll never see them again and your children will never meet them. It’s just heart breaking. Thank you for the beautifully written article. Sums up how I feel right now.

  219. I lost my mom 3 weeks weeks ago and I had my first baby 8 months ago. My mother met my son for the first time 3 weeks before she died because I live across the country. I’m 35 and my mom was 75. I’m older and she was older than many that write here but I still became a mother and lost my mother at the same time and I feel lost and alone, and can’t imagine the rest of my life or my son’s life without her.

  220. I also lost my parents at a tender age. My father took his own life 5 weeks after having my second child. My daughter was 13 months old. I was 22. My mother was diagnosed with late stage cancer when i was pregnant with my first child. It was an uphill battle. Me and my two half brothers took care of her mostly, as my step father was abusing prescription drugs. When i was 24, i had my third child and three months later she was admitted to hospice care after a terrible, painful battle. She passed away two months later. I lived in the hospice home care with my three children ages 3, 2, and 5 months to make sure we had as much time as possible with her. I am now 27 and just found out I am especting my fourth child. I know I never planned on having a fourth, but I guess the lord had other plans. I am still shaken and grieved by the early deaths of my parents 47, and 49. Having no other close family is difficult and I am a military wife and dont live close to any relatives. I am terrified to go through having another child without my parents. My protection in this life is gone and i am on my own.

    scared

  221. Thankyou i just read what you said and although you wrote it a while ago, it has helped me get through another moment of despair like few other people can. I won’t burden you with my story suffice to say I’m an only child who has just turned forty , i too have no parents and two young children without grandparents. I lost dad years ago and. Mum when i was pregnant. Few can hope to understand. Maybe I’ll understand one day. I liked what you said, thanks

  222. I lost my mum in August, she had a very rare neurological disease. My brother had just emigrated to America and my dad was on a carers break. Myself and my boyfriend were looking after her when she died and I was the one to find her. I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant 5 days before she died and was still trying to get my head around it. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’m now 25 weeks pregnant and the loss of my mum only just seems to be sinking in. I’m sorry for anyone else who has been through this xxx

  223. Hi,
    I am so thankful to have come across this article. I lost my Mom this past September, right before my 25th birthday. Everyday since has been a struggle, but I have minimized my loss for many reasons, one of the biggest being that there is no literature for young women losing their Mother. Reading this also helped me to realize that I am in a unique category since my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s over ten years ago, when I was a teenager. There was a level of loss then as well as consistently over the past ten years leading up to her passing which brought a whole new feeling of grief I thought I was prepared for, but was very mistaken.
    Thank you for writing this.

  224. I am 22 and I lost my dad three weeks ago, suddenly of a cardiac arrest. He was a healthy person – we all are. Neither his family nor my mother’s have anything wrong in their medical history to speak of. He didn’t have high blood pressure, he didn’t have high cholesterol, he didn’t have a pain in his chest, leg, arm, or even a twinge of an eyelash. He was a healthy person who had woken up, gone to work, and then in the middle of his day – his healthy heart stopped and after 50+ shocks in the ambulance, 40 minutes to the hospital, a deep medical sedation, 4 days in the hospital, and then eventual brain death – he was finally gone. The emptiness, loss, and pain is indescribable – but I’m sure I don’t have to describe it to anyone here. Often I cry because of the loss, what my family is missing out on, and what HE is missing out on and will be missing out on. But sometimes I think these absolutely ridiculous thoughts like: what if I had the power to predict the future like “That’s So Raven” and I could have gotten him to the hospital hours before and waited for the cardiac arrest to happen so that when it did, he’d already be in a hospital and they would have a defibrillator on hand to save him? Or what if he just didn’t really die, and he just walked into the house right now after work and was all confused at the fact that we thought he was dead? Even when the doctors were talking about the likelihood of brain death, for a quick millisecond I thought – “why can’t they just do a brain transplant?!” Again, I don’t need to describe how I feel as many of you already know. I searched this site, hoping to feel less alone and hoping that it really does “get better”. I don’t know what else to say…

    • Oh Hanna, I wish I could tell you that it does get better, but I need to be honest with you…”The reality is you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same nor should you want to.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
      I wish you many warm hugs and supportive friends and family. Everyone deals differently, and it is key to remember that everything you are feeling and thinking is in some ways normal, and understandable. The loss of a parent, especially at such a young age, stirs things up inside of you, and that is something that a lot of people don’t understand.

  225. This post and comments have saddened and comforted me so much. When I first found this blog on one of my late night ‘I miss my mum’ google searches I realised I have never read anything that so summed up my own pain and fears. Seeing it was a seven year old post I nearly cried that it would be a long dormant thread and it felt like a lifeline to see recent comments, that even if nobody reads my post there are still others out there feeling the same way, I am not alone.
    In March 2011 I lost my wonderful Grandma, my incredible Mother in the June and my Uncle in September. All the deaths were very sudden and unexpected even though my Mum had been very ill she had finally been given a clean bill of health. She was only out of hospital two weeks when she collapsed with a blood clot and died that morning. She hadn’t even been able to go to her own mother’s funeral because she was in ICU after surgery. My mum was my best friend in the world. She was such a good woman who lit up the lives of those around her and we talked about her being a Grandma so often as children have always been my biggest wish. I was 19 when she died and even though we had an amazing relationship I mourn so much for what it could have grown into, as a friendship between adults. I feel so lost and alone even now without her.
    My family used to be the closest I knew but my wonderful baby brother now 18 is becoming such an angry young man and my Dad (who was much older than Mum) has terrible health and smokes and drinks constantly. I am so afraid of losing him too even though I feel like I have already lost the man he was and its driving a wedge between my brother and I because he thinks I’m a bitch with my tough love, but the family act like its my responsibility to fix him and Dad behaves like he doesn’t care about anything any more, even us, which is so hurtful. The depression is so much to handle sometimes and I am terrified of giving into angry bitterness at the injustice of it all. I miss her so much and cannot shake the feeling that we have been robbed of her.

    • You have been robbed, and I am sorry. I am sorry for all the grief and pain that you are walking through. It’s been a while since you’ve posted, but if you come back to see htis I hope you know that you aren’t alone. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You ARE surviging this.

  226. Hey everyone,

    I made a response back in 2012 regarding the loss of my parents (my mother when I was 19 and my father when I was 27 [almost 28]). I just wanted to kind-of update/rant for a minute, if you guys don’t mind.

    In November of 2013 I gave birth to a beautiful daughter. She’s so wonderful, I can’t even describe. But after having lost both of my parents and now having a daughter of my own, I must say this is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I thought losing them was hard enough but this feels infinitely worse. I cry a lot when my girl is sleeping and my mind has time to process my current life. How can I be an amazing mother to her when I feel like *I’m* the one who still needs her mommy? Is that selfish? I WANT MY MOMMY AND DADDY!! I feel so cheated out of memories and guidance and parental love! Life is so unfair! And I’m sorry if I sound like a child but at 30-years-old, a big part of me still feels like she just wants to run into the arms of her parents and be held. Be hugged. Be told that they’re there for me, always, and I’m safe. That everything is going to be okay. And I know they would have made the best grandparents any child could have ever hoped for. This deeply, terribly saddens me to think about.

    Why must such amazingly loving people be taken from this world at such young ages? It just isn’t right! :-(

    I know I’m strong and will make it but this is such a challenge. A challenge I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

    Dear God, give me strength. I need it.

    Much love, everyone. <3

  227. Oh, It’s hard. I am further down this road than many of you. My parents each had massive heart attacks when I was 16/17 then died after long disabilities when I was 28 within 3 months of each other. I found out I was pregnant day after her funeral and my dad died three month later. I went on to have three kids. Now, my kids are 24, 22, 21.

    Looking back, I wish I had had more support from other people. Maybe, I wouldn’t have been as hard on myself, expecting myself to “get over it” and be normal throughout the whole process. It’s brutally hard. Absolutely get some professional help, it can support you.

    Two things have helped me. 1) there are good souls out there you will stumble upon that will help you along the way – they’re rare but they are there. ie the sweet older lady next door who told me how to take care of my baby when I had no clue. 2) the need to make the best life I can for the kids I have which includes telling them stories about their grandparents, showing them pictures, reassuring them that though their grandparents are gone, they would have loved them to pieces.

    I talk about my growing up stories including how my parents interacted with me, my parents growing up stories – their life stories. I share about the time my mother had to take me to the ER and wore her best coat so they would treat us better. The time I got drunk as a teenager with out of town family visiting and my dad made me interact though I had a hang over. Sometimes, I will buy my daughter something because I tell her my mom would have loved it and would have wanted her to have it. When my son is stubborn, I share a story about my father

    No. Your kids will never meet them but they can have a real sense of who they were and where they come from. Share the pics, the humor, the traits as well as the loss. You will see your parents over and over again in the faces of your children as you raise them. We are all so intertwined. Goodluck and be patient with yourselves. I think life can be good again though never ever the same. —- Kate

  228. Thank you so much for this post. You really hit the nail on the head. I just lost my mom this month. And you’re correct, this is the time that one becomes true friends with their parent. I’m 22 years old, just got out of college a year ago, and have my first full-time job. My mom has always been my best friend but within the past two years, we became more equals while her still acting as a mother.Now, I have been robbed of all off those glorious moments you also have to miss.I just truly want to thank you for your words and it speaks to how I’m feeling. We have a loss that people need to listen to and try to understated.

    • Meredith I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I’m so sorry that this is yours to know too. I’m glad that some of this resonated with you. Know that you are not alone.

  229. I am now 29 but my mother died when I was 27. She was 67 and died from cancer after just four months of being diagnosed. She had just retired and it breaks my heart that she did not get a chance to enjoy her retirement and all the things that we were meant to do like holidays etc….I get a little consolation that I am an “adult” but definitely not the adult I imagined I would be the day my Mammy would die. Everyone should have both their parents until they are at least 40…I am not putting a time on it but to lose a parent in your 20s is far too young. We are only becoming friends and for it all to be swiped away is unfair. The longer you have with them the better! If I ever marry or have my own children, the thought is bittersweet. Sweet because it is something to look forward to..I am only child and still have my father thankfully. Bitter because Mammy is not here to see her only grandchildren. I do believe they are there in spirit and days it carries me and others are just pure crap that she is not here in person. Still waiting on her to walk in the door and then the reality hits. Anyway I could write and write on my opinion about losing a parent in your twenties early thirties whatever but I will stop here and I hope everyone on here finds a little consolation and strength to come to terms with their own terrible loss x

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