Losing a Parent in Early Adulthood and in the Midst of New Motherhood
This is something I have thought about many, many times since my Mom died. I’ve writen some about it here previously.
I mention it here again because, well… because I can’t stop thinking about it and right now I feel I am at a place where I can objectively explore the issue a bit, although I fear that regular readers are again rolling their eyes and going, “More on the grief stuff… get over it.” (To those who may indeed be thinking those things, I will assure you that I am allowing myself to heal, but these things still assault my every day life, and are very present in my thoughts… even as I do heal and approach life in the beginnings of a ‘new normal.’)
When you lose a parent as an adult, you get a lot of, “Well this is the normal course of things….” The idea here is that since it is ‘normal’ it must necessarily then be ‘easy.’ I am here to tell you that those two things should not be assumed to equate.
You also get a lot of underlying messages of, “Well you are a grown up now, so suck it up. It’s not as tragic as it might have been if you’d lost her as a child.” I will agree to an extent with the last part of that sentiment. I will. But just because I am a grown up, does not mean that it is “easy” to be without my mother. It does not mean that in many ways I don’t still need her.
Mom died when I was 24. My first daughter was 4 months old. She was diagnosed with Lung Cancer when I was 6 months pregnant. I am an only child.
I lost my mother at a time when my ‘grown up life’ was just starting and my adult relationship with her was in it’s infancy. I lost her as I was becoming a mother.
Two books that are recommended over and over again to women who have experienced mother loss are Motherless Daughters and Motherless Mothersboth by Hope Edleman. I have a confession to make: I’ve never read either. The reason I’ve never read either is simple: from what I can gather looking through the dust cover, front flap, and first chapters the books focus quite a bit on the commonalities that exist between women who lost their Mom’s during childhood. I have been afraid to read the books because I didn’t want my loss to be minimized because it occurred soon after my graduation from ‘childhood.’ Also, the theme in Motherless Mothersseems to be the idea of healing by becoming a mother myself. However, my experience has been that because of the juxtaposition of losing my Mom when I was becoming a mother myself my grief has been complicated quite a bit. I don’t feel healed as I approach the task of motherhood. I feel haunted by my loss.
I really believe that losing a parent at this juncture in life–during the life stage of ’starting’ as an adult and of ’starting a family’ contains unique issues that often get passed by. No we don’t necessarily deal with our parent not attending our high school graduation or seeing the adult that we’ve grown into, but neither do we fit into the category that seems to be automatically skipped to in resources and literature–the ’sandwich generation’ category. I DID NOT lose my mother during middle adulthood. I didn’t get to see her be a grandparent to my children. I don’t have her to support me as I work my way through this fledgling phase of being a wife, being a mother, being a woman. No, I didn’t deal with the issues surrounding the possibility of her entering a nursing home for an extended period of my life–but that’s because I didn’t have the privilege of having her around for that long.
So what do I feel are the important issues related to parental loss at this stage of life? I think ‘not fitting’ is one of those issues. I think being expected to ’suck it up and move on’ because we are adults–when we are really only just getting used to our own grown up skin is another. Missing the help and support that many parents offer during this pivotal time in life is another. We face the loss of a primary advisor at a time of newness and uncertainty. We lose a parent’s normal physical helpfulness at this stage–i.e. helping care for the grand-kids from time to time.
You lose the opportunity to relate to your parent in an adult to adult relationship. You lose time to make peace with the terror that you were as a teenager or to talk things over and understand where your parent was coming from set into the context of their own larger lives. When Mom was diagnosed I had just begun to reflect on the fact that she was quickly becoming one of my ‘closest adult friends.’ Right before she was sick I called her several times a week, if not every day just to talk about…. anything. I was talking things over with her that I never thought I would talk over with her. With her decline all of that was lost.
I don’t think it is a ‘normal’ time to lose a parent, and I don’t think the loss is as ‘normal’ as we are asked to believe it is.
Additionally there is a ‘distance’ that I’ve read you are supposed to feel with the loss of a parent as an adult, I guess because it is not the loss of someone in your immediate household. However, I think at this time in one’s life that ‘distance’ isn’t necessarily there. You are just beginning to walk out of the phase of needing Mom and Dad for everything. Your history includes far more years of living with them than it does the family you are starting (and I in NO WAY am implying that a loss of spouse or child at this point in time would be ‘easier,’ because I know that I can’t even imagine how staggering those losses would be at ANY TIME…. I am simply saying that this ‘distance’ from parents that is supposed to make things ‘easier’ isn’t present at least for me at this stage of my development as a human.) I think this is the stage in life that the connection to parents may in some ways feel almost equal to the connection to one’s growing family.
On top of those issues there was the timing of my loss—which was not as uncommon as you might think. Mom’s illness, decline, and death superimposed on my pregnancy, daughter’s birth, and first four months of life really threw a wrench into my grief…. and not just because of the hormonal issues that are common to pregnancy. Losing my mother while becoming a mother was an indescribable experience. The loss that I feel at every stage of Little Miss’s development is huge. The loss that I feel at having a child that my mother will never meet is huge. The comfort that was offered by folks who would say, “Be strong for that baby,” or “Just hold her tight,” often just seemed a cruel reminder of the loss of my own mother and the loss that my children were experiencing before either having understanding of it, or even…. having existence. Dealing with the newness of my identity of a mother on top of the newneses of my grief was…. well it was staggering to live through. It truly was. And I’ve spoken to several women in very similar situations who have expressed very much the same thing.
And then there are those in early adulthood who *haven’t* started a family. Those who will miss having their parents there to walk them down the aisle or to hear the words, “I’m pregnant.” No one could convince a person dealing with those issues that whatever number makes one an adult makes the loss of those milestones with your parent any less tragic.
I guess what I wish is that this significant loss in my age and stage wouldn’t be glossed over. I wish that the platitudes and assumptions that go along with the loss of a parent as an older adult weren’t automatically slapped onto my situation as a younger adult (and really they should NOT be slapped on to ANY situation). I wish there were resources that explored something other than the lifetime of difficulties caused by the loss of a parent in childhood (and certainly those resources ARE greatly needed).
And just in case anyone else was having those thoughts, I thought I’d say them out loud.
Additionally, I would love feedback from anyone who has lost a parent during a similar age and stage…. or from anyone who hasn’t. Maybe I’m all wet. Maybe I’m overly sensitive. Maybe I’m being ridiculous. I don’t know. I just know that these are the feelings I’ve had as I’ve observed the world reacting to my loss and the feelings I have had as a result.
March 27, 2007 at 6:57 pm
(((Val))))
I just got off the phone with a friend and we were discussing the same thing. She is 34 now… she lost her mother to cancer in her early 20’s… her son was an infant at the time. She still grieves for her mother, it is still a hole in her heart that just won’t be filled. I don’t have any answers… Maybe we never really heal… The only thing I know for sure is I can be her friend and love her..let her tell me how she feels…and smack anyone who tries to tell her how to feel…and I would do the same for you…and I admire the heck out of you…and I love to read/hear your journey…
Love you
Terry
March 29, 2007 at 6:07 am
Val,
My heart aches at the thought of your loss. There is something very different about the timing of losing your mom, absolutely. When such a heart-breaking loss is linked to such a heart-filling time, the incongruence is unimaginable. I can also understand wanting to read about others who’ve suffered grief under those particular circumstances. Somebody has to be the one to write that book…..
love,
Mich
March 30, 2007 at 5:05 pm
I am so greatful to have found your blog. You wrote exactly what I am feeling. I am 22 and just lost my mom 9 months ago. Even though I have no children, the thought of her NEVER knowing my chidren is almost harder than her being gone. My friends are starting to get pregnant and I am almost dreading the day when I cant call her to tell her my good news. Its such a intimate experience and I cannot imagine how weird its going to feel without her. I would love to keep in contact with you- I feel very alone in my emotions. my email is liapizzaria@sbcglobal.net
April 19, 2007 at 6:19 am
thank you for sharing your experience. though i am not a mother and have not lost my mother yet, she was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago. unfortunately, she has been steadily declining and i have these exact fears. i am 29 and not married yet or have any children. the thought of my mom not being there for either of these events rips my heart out. all the things you described fits exactly how i am feeling. the fact that i feel like my adult friendship is just starting to get good and how people expect you to handle things better because you aren’t a child or a 60 year old care taker. people often forget about our age group and our losses. thank you for making me feel a little less alone and confused during this crazy time.
sincerely, jessica
April 26, 2007 at 3:54 pm
I stumbled across your blog as I was searching for something, anything to sooth my grief. My Mom died April 12, 2007 of Lung Cancer. I’m 26 and an only child. So much of what you wrote I can relate with.
Thank you.
May 8, 2007 at 2:41 pm
This really hit me. I lost my wonderful mother five years ago to lung cancer. I was twenty-five at the time. The pain is still with me, especially right now because of Mother’s Day being this Sunday. My mother was also my best friend. I feel like there was so much that I didn’t get to learn from her. Two years after her death I gave birth to her first grandaughter. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. I wish I could just be given ten more minutes to tell her how much I love her and what a great mom she was. I really appreciate your blog, I found it very comforting.
Peace and Blessings
Maria
October 14, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Maria has said what my feelings have been searching for. To have a few minutes back in time to speak with my mother and tell her how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her being my mother. When she was ill I was just too devestated to think straight. I only saw her about half the time I should have because I wa not strong enough to watch her die. I was already trying to “let go” because it was destroying me inside. This is already five years ago but I am only now able to begin to deal with it. I am only now able to cry. I think I felt that to cry was to be ungrateful for having such a kind and loving mother. I loved my mother dearly and I hope that she will always have that knowledge in her soul wherever she is now.
I wish all of you that are suffering a greater level of peace in your lives. Thank you for the chance to talk.
Todd
June 23, 2007 at 7:53 pm
My “angel”, my mom passed away when my son was 6 months old, she had prayed, she told me, I would have a baby before she left me,when I lost her I also lost my friends as we moved the next month to a new community. My husband said you wouldn’t want her to be in pain… I had to be strong for my Dad, he lived 18 years longer, longing for her. Now I have conditions that leave me with chronic pain and fatigue,I have a high stress job,other issues and I miss my mommy so bad.Any suggestion!
June 28, 2007 at 8:46 pm
hi,
i have been trying to think of way’s to some how deal with the loss of my mom my best friend ,she was 48 and had lung cancer somthing that i would never think would happen to her she was the rock in our family and now she is gone, it kills me !!i have one younger sister who’s 26 and i’m now 29 she was 50 when she passed and my sister and i were both there with her in the hospital till the very end i will never ever forget that moment my da and her were married for 28 years and now my dad and i fight all the time it rellly sucks there’s some day’s or weeks where we don’t talk cause he doesn’t understand my sadness and i guess i don’t get his i feel so alone i have a lot of girlfriends but it’s really hard to talk to them and also since my mom has passed i barley tak to the rest of her family there’s alot of issues with my dad and her side , i guess i should talk to a counceller or ?? but i can’t do it or maybe i can i don’t know is there any groups or people you know that i should talk to ?? please help i’m am too depreesed and all the time and need help !!
July 1, 2007 at 6:37 am
I came across your website just a few minutes ago. I am 5 and a half months pregnate. I lost my mother to lung cancer 6 months ago. I can relate to everything you feel. Along with sadness and grief I carry with me everyday , I am also feeling alot of other emotions. I am often annoyed at the people around me (never my husband, who has been so supportive, or my father). I find they say careless things and forget that I am mourning while trying to get myself ready for motherhood without my mother. I always thought that my mom would be a part of my adulthod and children’s life, I wanted this so badly as she was a great mother to me and we were very close. My relationship with my mother as an adult was wonderful, and then we were hit so hard witht he news abouther cancer. I felt as though a lost a chunk of my heart.
What really gets me is friends who were awkward and offered very little support when my mom died (and they knew my mom) are now back in the picture, they go on about the baby and how they want to be a big part of the baby’s life, how would like to be called aunt or uncle. They may briefly ask how my father is doing but are quick to go back to lighter conversation. I find this very awkward.
I am not coping with this well at all.
It looks as though the baby is going to be a girl, I will name her after my mom. She was a strong beautiful person inside and out. A role model that my child will learn about through spiritual connection and story. The baby’s name will be her own. From that she will become an individual with some of my mom’s traits. Her name will be a symbol of my mother, her gifts she gave the world and her soul continuing on.
July 3, 2007 at 1:30 pm
I sincerley want to thank you for your blog and sharing your experience.I am a 21 year old mother of two wonderful boys and luckly my mom was able to be there for both of their births. Unfortunatly she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 6 weeks after the birth of my second son and passed away January 30, 2007, only a week before his first birthday.I didn’t realize how many other people are going through such similar situations but am finding true comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Harder still is finding out that I am expecting my third child and picking up the phone to share my great news with my best friend only to put it down in tears. God bless all of you!
July 9, 2007 at 6:41 pm
I came across your blog and wanted to comment. I lost my mom to cancer December 7, 2007. She was my best friend. I have 3 boys, my oldest boy was her “baby” they did everything together, he has questions all the time, I can barely deal with her death myself I don’t know how to help him. To make things more stressful I got pregnant the week after she passed away, sadly exactly a month after she passed I lost the baby, I”m currently pregnant again and Due in early December. I find some comfort knowing that their are other women out there who are going thru this. I have truely never felt more alone then I do now.
July 15, 2007 at 12:21 pm
I just lost my mom last week to breast cancer. I am 24 and an only child. She was diagnosed 3 years ago and was doing well for a while but over the past 6 months her condition worsened. I didn’t really know how bad things were until a few weeks ago. She had a doctor’s appointment and was admitted to the hospital. Soon after, her treatment was stopped and she was moved to a hospice center. She only lived 6 more days. It all happened so fast.
I still live at home so I feel her absence each day. My father was never one to talk about his emotions, and my friends are supportive but I don’t feel like they really understand. I feel so lost. I try to do things to distract myself but I am afraid I won’t always be able to do that. I can’t believe she won’t be at my wedding, and she won’t see my children. She was my best friend and the person I talked to about EVERYTHING. I’m also sad that I’m getting to the point where I’m more family-oriented again and not as concerned with the younger party scene. But now I don’t have a chance to spend my time with her.
I have been looking for books today and I also noticed the lack of resources for our age group. Feel free to contact me. At least we know we are not alone.
July 16, 2007 at 9:17 am
I lost my mother 4 years ago to lung cancer. I was 35 years old at that time. She was diagnosed and died within a 3 week time frame – prior to that she had not been feeling well, but I had no idea how serious it was. At the time, my son was 4 years old -Mom was there the day he was born and was always such an important part of my life. Like many of you have said, she was my best friend. I was the youngest of 3 children and the only girl. I depended so much on guidance from my mom and she always helped me through bench marks in my life —- getting married, having my son, etc.
During her 3 weeks in the hospital, I was there every day. It was the hardest thing I have ever went through. The night she passed away, I was sleeping in the waiting room and one of the nurses from the Intensive Care Unit came to get me – I remember her words exactly – she said, “would you like to be with your mom as she passes?” I left my husband and son sleeping and went in alone. I kissed mom, held her hand and laid my head on hers and told her over and over how much I loved her, how much I was going to miss her. I didn’t want her to suffer, but I wasn’t ready to let go – I had only had 3 weeks to deal with the fact that I was going to lose my mother and there was so much more I wanted us to do together – there was so much more I needed to tell her. For 20 minutes, I laid there with her praying that she was not suffering. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am so happy I was there as she took her last breath, just her and I – the way it began 35 years earlier.
Time doesn’t heal the heartache. I still have my dad and a wonderful husand and son, but there is an absence in my life – a whole in my heart.
I have good days and bad. I find myself talking to her alot when I am alone. Comfort is hard to find, the sorrow I feel is sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes I feel that I have not coped well, that is the reason I feel so much pain. But I think it is a loss that I will always feel – I have lost someone that I love so deeply – my life will never be the same. No matter how much support and love I have from my family and friends, it does not replace the support and love I lost. A mother loves her child unconditionally. There is a special bond between a mother and her child.
I have read many books, none that I would recommend, because I do not feel that any have really helped. I started gathering old photographs from my dad’s house – putting together a collection of photos from the time she was first married up to the Christmas before she died. The photos help alot – I can see how happy she was and that is comforting. My dad has given me alot of things from the house – cookie jars, nick nacks, etc. I have them displayed throughout my home and each time I look at them, I feel like a part of mom is with me. I still cry alot – a whole lot and I think that is therapy for me.
My heart goes out to anyone who has lost their mom – I understand your heartache.
June 14, 2009 at 7:13 pm
My mom just passed away 4 days ago from lung cancer, from the day we were told she lived a month and a half. Your story is touched me and is almost like mine. I feel so lost
June 15, 2009 at 11:58 am
Hey Kelly. I lost my mom on April 16, also from lung cancer. We knew for about 9 weeks. Just wanted to let you know there is someone out here who gets it. I am lost like you. Send a reply if you want to talk…
June 15, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Kelly–it was Lung Cancer that took my Mom as well. It’s a terrible disease. I’m so sorry for your loss.
July 16, 2007 at 6:39 pm
[...] humbled, and moved, and saddened, and encouraged all at once by the replies I have been getting to this post and to other posts written about losing my Mom. It is incredible to me that I am being [...]
July 16, 2007 at 6:42 pm
To all of you who have lost your Mom’s and shared your stories and your pain with me, THANK YOU. I hope you’ll keep reading and commenting here, and that you’ll know that you aren’t alone in your grief.
July 16, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Hello Everyone, I just lost my mother 2 weeks ago. I am 6 months pregnant and am not coping well with her being gone. We all knew she was ill but are you ever really peprared?? Sometimes I feel so sad I want to jump out of my skin, I wonder where to go from here, I find that most people a re gone now the services are over and life goes on for everyone except the ones who are hurting so bad. People are always commenting oh she was sick or she is in a better place, I am sorry but those words are no comfort to me. Somedays it is so hard I miss her so so much and I wonder when does it get better?
July 19, 2007 at 12:05 am
Thanks for the great stories. My Mom who was my best friend was diagnosed with cancer when my second daughter was 4 weeks old. She died Christmas Day/2006 when my daughter was 2 months old. It has been very difficult. My mom was very close to my oldest daughter who was almost 3 when she died. She has been having a difficult time as well. I don’t think people realize how hard it is to lose your mother at this stage in your life. It is nice to know I am not alone and my feelings are normal.
August 6, 2007 at 5:03 pm
I am 28 and just buried my mother today. I too do not have any children, but I am married. It hurts me that she will not see her grandchildren. I also feel as though I still need her. I know it sounds strange, but I do. Please if anyone would like to encourage each other, please send an email erica_davis@comcast.net This is a very lonely feeling in a world without my mom.
August 15, 2007 at 7:59 pm
I’d just like to say that I share each and everyone of your feelings. I lost my mom to cancer when I too was 28 years old. My mother battled cancer for 4 long years. She always wanted grandchildren and missed it by 4 months. I lost my mom in April of 2003 and gave birth to my daughter in August. I sometimes feel so cheated. I know that sounds so selfish but I do. I know my mom would have been a wonderful grandmother. My father remarried and that was really TOUGH for me. I know you’re thinking….Boo Hoo! Well she’s a nice lady but I know it’s weird but I still sometimes think… Who is this woman and why is she living in my mom’s house? There is not a day that goes by that I don’t sense my mom’s spirit and my daughter looks a lot like my mother so on the upside it’s like having a little bit of mom to hold onto. I wish you all the best and I’ll pray for all of us to find strength to cope.
September 3, 2007 at 12:55 am
My two beautiful teenagers are about to lose their dad from pancreas cancer. He and I seperated some 5 years ago, and have more so past 3 years increase arguments over his lack of being involved with the kids etc.,but fortunately we have had some caring and friendship meaningful conversations of late on the phone. He lives in another State, and I have been trying so hard to gauge his health, as his girlfriend has alienated myself and more so my children by her lies and manipulation. I can see and respect her love for him, but it has sadly clouded her thinking under all the stress she is having, and she had refused to keep my children up to date about their dad. All I want is for my children to have some time with their dad, they love him so much,as he does to them also, and I feel guilty that over the past few weeks I have not stood up to her and just put my kids on a plane to be with their dad.Well, yesterday, Fathers Day,(Aust) I did put them on a plane, with the blessings of my ex’s family, and a adorable Untie awaiting their arrival, they now have hopefully 2 weeks with their dad before he passes, I just wish I could have been stronger and given them more time with their dad. They say Death raises many emotions, but for those Dying I just hope he will be protected from the truth that his girlfriend though loves him, created a lot of anxious moments for my children, her possessive approach has impacted on many, mainly my children., but I also trust and know in their dad that the love in his heart will reach out to his children before he passes.
September 3, 2007 at 5:35 am
I also lost my mother while pregnant. Not with my first, however, with my 3rd son. This unplanned total shocker of a pregnancy (yes, they happen even in your thirties) came on the heels of my maternal grandmothers death. So of course, this baby was going to help my mom get “through” her own mother’s death, or so I niavely thought. This third unplanned little man was to be my anchor as I mourned my own mother’s untimely death during my seventh month of pregnancy. Up until this time I was stilling crying over losing my grandmother who was well, just perfect to all her grandchildren and really my first “close lose”. I had truly been lucky up until Jan of 2003. Never knowing that within 18 months I would bury my own mother, deliver my third child and well hold on….. 2 weeks from the day of his birth….my husband’s mother died. HELLO! Who did we piss off???
And all the while we had this little blessing from the Lord so how long could I stay pissed off.
The words “the Lord gives and the Lord takes away” has a meaning to me deeper than any other bible verse, prayer, novena, etc etc etc…..
Now is has been 3 years and I am able to write and talk about my mom without crying. I really smile a lot because yes, that is how she would want it. I had the best. And do not misunderstand me that I cannot believe I am raising three boys without her to consult, whine to, ask advice, just help me out when I am at my wit’s end. (I actually do hope she is laughing at these times as I was not the dream of a daughter, you know, the 80’s).
I could write and write but I heard someone peeing upstairs and gotta go. Blessings and love to all motherless daughters who carry heavy hearts and have crossed the road to the other side. Thanks to all who have been there to help me over. My email is MI3SONZ06@aol.com….. Have a great day…..
September 13, 2007 at 8:13 pm
In response to Kelly from the September 3rd comment, I know exactly how you feel about wondering Who’d we piss off??? I feel the same way. I responded before but failed to mention I had lost my grandmother 4 months before my mom. Even though my mother’s outcome probably wouldn’t have been different it was so sad that she too had to indure her own mother’s death while she was facing her own death. She made the comment after her mother that she never really had the time to grieve her own mother’s loss because she was fighting for her own life and she was so sick with the cancer. My mother’s cancer started in her cervix….yeah the one you hear so much about now…you know the vaccine is now out for HPV. I have a lot of bad emotions for my father because this was probably caused from him due to the fact that most cervix cancer starts out from a sexually transmitted disease (HPV). My father strayed on my mother for years and I have such a hard time forgiving him for the past now even though I know he is truly sorry. My mom forgave him so why can’t I?? I don’t know because maybe if he’d been faithful to my mother she’d still be alive…I know you’re suppose to forgive and forget but it’s soooo hard. After mom died one of my aunt’s tried to nurture me and we became very close. As luck would have it she died 2 years almost to the day of my mom. That was another set back. My mother in law was diagnosed with Neuropathy on top of a laundry list of problems so I’m afraid I’ll lose her too. It’s almost as if it’s a curse. Why is it not meant for me to have any guidance from another woman figure? I don’t know….it’s just been one death after another. I also lost my grandfather on June 28 of this year and my uncle (my moms brother) to cancer on July 11 of this year as well. I guess you’d say I should be use to it by now but I lie awake wondering what all this means. I’ve watched so many in such a short time and it’s so hard to stay strong for my own children when I want to lose it. I do know however that I’m a good mom and that children realize more then they let on. My kids and husband have truly pulled me through. I don’t know what I’d do with out them. I’ve lost so many people that I feel so vulnerable at times. I worry about my kids and husband. I cannot bear the thoughts of losing one of them. I dream a lot about losing my kids, I don’t know why. I guess it’s just a sign of insecurity but how am I suppose to feel? God bless each of you and let’s continue to try to uplift eachother. It helps to know that there are others induring the same things. One day will know the answers I suppose. Keep strong and keep writing.
September 24, 2007 at 3:00 pm
I’m 25 and just lost my Dad (who was 50) on September 12. He had a horrible accident on September 1st and was recovering in the hospital burn unit (supposed to be out in 3-4 weeks). My wedding was set for September 8 and we decided to postpone until later fall so that he could celebrate with us. Being his only daughter (I have 2 younger brothers, one in college, one in high school) he was soooo excited and happy to host our party and walk me down the aisle. On the night of September 12, his pulse suddenly went flat and they couldn’t get it started again. He passed away that night unexpectedly. My dad was truly my best friend… I have a great family (Mom and two brothers), but my dad was always the one I was closest to. He was always the one I went to first for advice, to share exciting news, or to “just chat”. I can’t imagine what it will be like to go through milestones in life without him there. My fiance and I are still trying to decide on a new date for our wedding. The sadness I feel about not being able to share our special day with him is overwhelming. Because of the timing of his passing, I also have bittersweet feeling about our wedding. There will always be a bittersweet twinge when I think about receiving all the sympathy cards at the same time as “congratulations”. It breaks my heart to imagine my children someday not having or knowing my dad in their lives. He would be a tremendous grandpa. It means a lot to know I can share in some of your feelings. I hope we can all continue to make each other stronger… to share… to grow… Thanks to all of you for sharing.
September 24, 2007 at 5:08 pm
I relate with so many of your situations and feelings and truly hurt for everyone here. Kara–I’m so sorry for your loss, at such an incredibly pivotal time for you.
Marsha and Kelly–My Mom’s Mom died five months before Mom did… I very much relate to grief upon grief as the year that my Mom died we lost 5 people–close friends or close family members all. It was emotionally brutal.
I pray for healing for all of us, but also know we will always grieve. We will always feel the hole.
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories–I hope folks will continue to do so. How comforting for all of us to know that we aren’t alone.
October 20, 2007 at 6:17 pm
well written.
i went through her not being there at my wedding….right now the biggest problem is going into motherhood with absolutely no idea what i’m doing.
October 26, 2007 at 9:40 am
My mom died just over a month ago. I’m 24 and Have yet to start my own family, but having kids has been a life long dream of mine. The thought of no being able to call my mom when I am blessed with a baby brings tears every time. The idea of not be able to call her at 3am when my first child wakes up crying and I have no more ideas of how to calm him or her hurts so much. I truly appreciate you sharing your emotions out in the open like this. It is comforting to know my feelings are crazy and are valid. It is so good to know I’m not alone in my sadest moments. Thank you!
October 30, 2007 at 11:10 pm
Losing a loved one at any age is, and naturally should be difficult. I hate hearing “he lived a long life” or “she lived a full life”. I have dealt with death quite a bit. I am 27 years old, between the ages of 19 and 23 I went to 8 funerals, one my brother’s best friend – accidental suicide while masturbating, and then shortly after my brother committed suicide. Last year my dad was killed in a motorcycle accident. He had just retired, and enrolled in school full time to become a nurse after 26 years of being a cop. He spent 14 days of hell in intensive care. Over a year later my sister and I are dealing with an ugly probate process due to a hideously selfish second wife, and no will.
Within two weeks of dad’s funeral I was interviewing for jobs, I was unemployed when he passed. That was tough! Especially when I had 3 interviews at one place and got rejected. Now however, I have decided to start my own business selling long term care insurance.
From the emotional aspect, I agree with the author on a lot. You never know what to feel, or how to feel it. Sometimes you take offense to things that shouldn’t really offend you. You aren’t yourself again for quite some time after losing someone, and I feel it is longer for those who go tragically, or too young.
My dad and I became great friends after my brother died. We made such a new awesome connection, and we knew we needed each other to get through that hard time. I definitely have my moments of feeling completely lost, but then try to think how my dad would handle things and I regain composure.
For me personally, the worst thing other people can do is feel sorry for me. I hate that. I know everyone deals and copes differently, but what is the same, is the fact that everyone goes through tragedy and bad times just alike. I try to keep that in perspective when I think about my life so far. Things could be far worse.
One question I have always wanted to ask, is what does one say when people ask questions about how many siblings you have – if you have lost a sibling, or what does your dad do – when you have already lost him? I prefer to be truthful, but sometimes I don’t mention that I had a brother because I really don’t want to hear, “Oh I’m sorry!” or some other similar meaningless line. I don’t feel like it is something that I am uncomfortable talking about, but in many situations I prefer not to bring everyone down so to speak.
Any thoughts?
November 1, 2007 at 6:26 pm
Mike – I have a thought. I have not experienced the loss of a sibling and can only relay to you my thoughts as a mother, sister and grieving daughter. You have obviously taken quite a few hits, especially for someone your age. (pls forgive me for saying that) Since my mom died my brother and sister,and my dad, mean more to me than ever. It is most unfortunate that you must deal with people who make you feel uncomfortable talking about someone that meant so much to you. The heartache you feel over the loss of your brother is something that only you carry and while we cannot blame others for not knowing this pain, I still think it is fair to say that anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable about sharing such an important and pivotal part of your life is simply not worth your time and quite honestly does not deserve it. These so called lucky people do not know the pain of loss and therefore cannot appreciate the strength it takes to keep going in the face of such tragedy. Mike, I do not believe you need to find the right answer. If you are in the company of a person or people who you feel will give you some degree of clarity, then share it. If not, let it go and never feel the need to explain yourself. By now, you know your capabilities.
Yes, I agree that this topic can bring some people down, however, as everyone who has commented on this blog will attest to, your ability to keep going in the face of such difficulties is definitely lifting a greater number up.
November 8, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Thank you for your words of comfort. I am 29 and have just lost my Mom to cancer 4 months ago. I was able to speed up my wedding and have her there but still the loss and grief I feel is staggering. I lost my father when I was 21 and my sister when I was 23. I feel so much like an orphan now even though I stil have family. I have mixed emotions about starting my own family. I am excited to start my own family but also heartbroken that I won’t have her here with me for such an amazing time in my life. Such guilt comes along with the excitment of “moving on” with life. It is so nice to know that somenone out there knows what I am feeling and I am not alone. You are right that people in our situation are often not thought about and I don’t know of many that truly understand. Your words and those who have responded have given me comfort and relief that I know there are people that have been through the same. Thanks again.
December 10, 2007 at 6:53 pm
hi, i have lost a grampy,
and these last two mounths have been so hard he has just recontonly past …andi miss hem so much
he was like a dady to me he raised me sence i was a lil gal.
January 12, 2008 at 5:05 pm
i have read your article and its nice to hear someone else suffering the same.I lost my dad when i was 25 and my “late twenties” were just messed up. I was resentful all my friends were carefree. The things that spring to mind are my dad was not at my wedding, he never saw me settle down, its just a big hole in my heart that is still not healed but time has helped. I am now pregnant and sad my baby will never meet his grandad.I would give anything to have just one last hug from my beloved dad.
January 17, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Hi, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 9 years ago. I was in 8th grade at the time. I remember feeling anger towards her for having this disease and I stayed in my room throughout all her treatments. I wanted to pretend like nothing was happening because the idea of losing my mother was very scary. After the doctors declared my mom cancer free, I thought it was over for good and she had beat it….My mom and I started to participate in breast cancer walks and other various breast cancer events. When my mom hit her 5 year mark, I was proud and very relieved at the same time….5 years meant that she would most likely never get cancer again…I was wrong….I’m now 22yrs old and my mother’s cancer is back…..the docs found 2 tumors so far in her neck (on her lymph nodes), they found spots on her lungs, and cancer cells in her stomach….I feel so much anger right now…at the docs for not catching this earlier and at my mom for not having the strength to fight it this time…The docs say she could have 6months, 1yr, or 2yrs left depending on how she responds to treatment and depending the results of her PET Scan…
After reading everyone’s comments I feel like there really are other people who feel how I feel….I’m angry that my mom might not see me get married or see my first child….there’s soo much I was looking forward to doing with my mom as I moved towards the roles of becoming a mother and a wife and now I feel like I’m being cheated…
My mom is a wonderful caring woman and I wish that this was happening to me and not her…I can only hope that she will fight long enough to let me experience more things with her…one thing i have learned from all this is life isn’t fair….you truly need to appreciate your parents while their here and learn from them because one day they won’t be here..
My bf and I were contemplating having a baby so my mom can hopefully live long enough to experience being a grandparent….part of me wants to give her this joy, but the other part is afraid of how I will feel after she passes….Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? I feel so alone now, like no one, not even my family understands what I’m going through….she’s not just my mom, she’s my BEST Friend!
January 25, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Brittany,
I totally understand you wanting your mother to experience grandchildren. There was nothing I wanted more than for my mother to do the same. My mother didn’t make it although she tried.
I felt somewhat guilty, as my mother passed because I was pregnant. I know that sounds weird but I felt as though it kept her from letting go (so to speak). She really suffered and it was more sad and hard for her to go knowing she was leaving me behind (pregnant).
I know that this is a hard time for you however you should consider what life after a child gets here will be like without your mom. It’s not easy at all. With me it was bitter-sweet. I felt blessed and very depressed all at the same time.
Having my daughter was the best day of my life but my whole entire pregnancy was so hard due to my mom being so sick and dying. If it brings you any comfort just know that your mom will be proud of you no matter what the outcome of your current situation. If your mom should pass, I believe with all my heart that your mother will see your children from afar no matter when you have them. You’re mom would want you to be happy most of all.
God bless you and your mother. My heart aches at your pain. I know exactly how you feel and will say a special prayer for you tonight as I turn in.
February 23, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Brittany – I am sitting here in tears reading your post. My mom suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm on January 18, 2008 (just over a month ago). Miraculously she made it and is here with us, neurologically in tact today. Though the 2 weeks she was in the ICU was the most dreadful time of my life thus far. I am 28 and thought I was going to lose my mother. From the moment I got to the hospital and was told her life was at risk and there was bleeding around her brain, I saw my life, and my life with my mom flash before my eyes. It continued to flash for the weeks to come. All I could think and kept thinking was “Mom, I need you. How am I going to have kids without you”? Oh I just cried and cried every single night. I kept it strong with her all day and let it out at night. Now I am sitting here crying and have been fighting it all night. But I am not exactly sure why. I know I am still deathly frightened I still may lose her to a complication with this aneurysm, but maybe it’s partly because I nearly lost her and now I am in utter fear of the day I do lose her. If these days are so hard on me how can I ever bear losing her? The thought just kills me. Now I feel I want to get pregnant now because how in the world can I carry my one-day children without her? It sickens me to think if I had kids after she was gone.
My thoughts are with you…I am so sorry you had to go through that. Reading all these posts just scares me to death that I will have to one day venture on without her. The past three weeks has brought a relationship with her that I never knew and she is my bestest friend in the whole world. It’s weird it took this to bring us so close but I just love her so insanely much.
February 29, 2008 at 8:24 pm
My dad recently (2 months ago)passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack at 46. I am 24. He died five days after I had my son (his first grandchild). I cannot even being to explain how hard the last two months have been. I was not truly able to grieve because I had a newborn to take care of. I think about my dad everyday and cannot help but think of all that he is going to miss out on. He was so excited about having a grandson. It kills me that my son will never know his grandpa. I cried as I read the article above and I am crying now as I write this. It does; however, help reading other people’s stories who have been through a loss this great. My dad was my hero and I miss him terribly. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without him. Right now, I have to focus on trying to be a parent having recently lost mine.
March 22, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I lost my father in 2006 to lung cancer…he was 79 and I was 52….since my parents were divorced with I was 9, he was my father and mother figure since my mother moved away from her responsibilities. He and I were close in interests, cooking, travel, real estate and strong personalities….I feel lost without him….no one to talk to …..and share anything with…..
March 30, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Hi Im 22yrs of age, I have kidney failure due to a rare form of vasculitis, Im currently recieving treatment (Dialysis) And i face loosing my mum, She has jus been diagnosed with terminal cancer and her days now are very limited, Im very angry with the way my mum has been treated by doctors, I know when people are facing loosing someone they love they want to blame someone, But they truly did neglect her, She was diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2006 they operated, Removed her bladder, She then had a scan and it showed it was clear, After the surgery, This is the only scan she had for 15mths and it had comeback, its only when my mum was complaining of pain they did a scan, It was the size of an 50 pence piece, My mum then needed a stoma bad fitted and with a stage 3 cancer you would think they would operate as soon as possible, This however wasnt the case the prosponed her operation for 6wks. She became very weak and after having her surgery they was unable to give her ceamo, With cancer time is everything, I truley believe that its their fault that things are so bad,
As i said im sick and when your ill yourself all u want is your mum, As far as im concerned they hav killed me to, I have a Chronic illness and i dnt think cos of my mum who i love dearly i will never be able to trust a doctor again, So where my future lies i have no idea.
As far as Grand children goes i feel the exact same as every1 who had the time to comment, When we heard the bad news, The first thing she had said was ” Im not even a grandmother yet” That broke my heart, That they also took that away from my mother, I cant have kids yet not untill i hav my transplant, Who know when will dat be. thanx for reading my heart braking story and if you have any advice regarding thins situation pls pls help as i am truely scared
April 4, 2008 at 6:13 am
Hi Iam a 31 years old and 5½ months pregnant. I lost my dad last July, he had a massive heart attack and my mum found him when she came home from work. The shock was unbelievable and it took about 3 days to show any emotion. I was very close to my dad and I know that he would have been an excellant Papa, he already had a grandaughter who he was exceptionally close to and althought she was only 3, she still asks for him everyday. I feel very cheated that he was taken from us so young and that my child will grow up not knowing who he was. Worse than anything is the pain I see my mum going through and although I am there for her and would do anything to help, I know that there is nothing that can make her feel better. I hate when I have visited and I have to leave her on her own, the tears blind me. I know that I am not alone and as this web page proves we are all going through the same pain, it is just very hard. Thank you for letting me pour this out as although my friends and partner have been a great support, I dont think they really understand.
April 20, 2008 at 12:08 am
i, too a so glad i cae across this blog. i am 29, 7 months pregnant with my first daughter, and lost my mom to a rare form of cancer in 05 st the age of 49. my mother was my best friend, an amazing mom, and a wonderful human being. losing her was the most traumatic event of my life. i knew, even before she died, the hardest thing i would face in the future would be having children without her here…without her support and advice, w/o them knowing her, w/o them knowing how AMAZING a grandmother they had…the sadness i feel from this loss taints the happiness of my pregnancy, although having a girl has helped tremendously (it almost feels like i have been given that chance to have that strong mother/daughter relationship again, just reversed roles). anyways, i wanted to let you know how much i related to this story, and how much others in our shoes need this validation of loss. thanks for being here…it’s the crappiest club in the world to belong to…
if anyone wants to talk about this, email me at audv@yahoo.com
April 20, 2008 at 7:41 am
I am so honored by everyone sharing your stories. I am so sorry that we’ve all experienced a loss like this.
I’m sorry that I haven’t responded individually to each one of you. Know that I read each post and really do care.
adriana–I know how that sense of loss can taint the pregnancy and early days of babies life, but you are right… There is something amazing about having a daughter. I wish my girls had their Gramma Caro here, but I learn a lot about her simply from my own journey now. I hope you have some folks around to whom you can ask questions–Not just about practical stuff, but about what your Mom experienced as a mother. It’s hard to ask those questions, but it can give you such insight and comfort to have another piece of the puzzle about your Mom.
Lynne, I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad at such a crucial time for you. I will be praying for you as you grieve and process it all.
Emma–the double whammy of having your Mom sick while you are sick yourself must just be so difficult. Please be gentle with yourself.
Many prayers for each and every one of you.
Val
May 7, 2008 at 10:31 am
My mom died when I was 28 from breast cancer. I now have a daughter myself, who she never knew. I’m an only child, so my family, as I knew it no longer exists.
My father started dating immediately and is now getting married to some other woman he met on the internet. He doesn’t want anything to do with me or my husband and daughter. He wants to leave his old life-sold his house moved to another state and left the Catholic Church. I mean everything that reminds him of her he has cut out and I’m pissed at him!
However, I finally realized I love my mom more than I miss her. A constant goal is to live past 54-the age she was when she died.
I’m sorry there are so many of us out there. Anyone have the same experiences with their fathers?
June 16, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Brooke – I am in a similar situation. I am an only child and my mom died recently. My father is around, but I can’t really rely on him, as he has addiction issues. He was not around for most of my life, and my mom raised me alone. So basically my family is gone too. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a year, but have had two miscarriages, the last one when she was sick. So I am also facing having my children (if I have any) not know their grandmother. How are you getting through it?
May 11, 2008 at 8:56 pm
i lost my dad in june of 2007 — he had been sick for 13 years so on some level it was expected. then my mom died 75 days later unexpectedly. i have been in a sea of grief, trying to move on and be there for my two siblings. i am 31 years old now and i feel at times like a child, not sure which way to turn or how to deal with all of this. i do know that God is good and He is there amidst all of it.
May 13, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I am sat here at 02.47am weeping uncontrollably because I have just lost my Mum very suddenly and needed to somehow have contact with someone who knows how it feels.I’m 33,an only child and its been nearly two weeks now since she collapsed and died unexpectedly at home.We’ve had the funeral today and whilst I’ve held it together surprisingly well over the last two weeks tonight I’ve finally cracked.I’m not a new mother like you, my boys are 15 and 10 but I still can’t even begin to describe the enormity of the loss.I have been a lone parent for the last 8 years and my Mum (and Dad) have been my rocks.The support she gave me was fantastic,we were so close and I feel totally bereft.When I got pregnant at 17 she supported me even though she had breast cancer.When I went into labour with my eldest son she had had chemotherapy that day but she still sat with me throughout the night and probably because of that we were closer than most.She was far from perfect, she had severe agoraphobia which is why she wouldn’t let us call an ambulance when she was feeling ill.It is horrible knowing that it could have been avoided if she had just given in and seen a doctor but she wouldn’t.I stupidly always thought that my parents would be around for a long time yet.She was such a strong influence in my life that I am lost.I consulted her about practically every decision I made no matter how small.It really makes you realise how silly it is to worry about small things.I think we all have a preconception that we need to be ecstatically happy all of the time but once something like this happens it makes you realise just how happy you were…I would give anything to go back to my previous life now.
I am so sorry for your loss.Your message completely hit home and I empathise more than you know.When you have your first child although wonderful it is quite a scary time.Its really comforting to have your Mum close by to help out and just to share the happy times with.I am truly grateful that my Mum was with me throughout the birth of both of my children(she was far more helpful than the ex hubby!) and she was a wonderful grandmother.I am also glad that we had no unfinished business.We had made our peace a few years ago and been extremely close since and that is some kind of comfort.
I can totally understand what you are saying….people who haven’t experienced this type of loss may presume that we can handle it because we are adults but it couldn’t be further from the truth.When we grow into adults we forge a new,different kind of relationship with our parents..a wonderful one and it is no less a shock when they die.My Mum was the Boss/carer/fantastic cook and wow, the emptyness I feel is huge.Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk because it really does seem to help talking to others who know how you are feeling.Take care,
Claire xx
June 13, 2008 at 9:53 am
I was just reading your post and I can’t relate with the mother thing, since I have no children. But i lost my mom October of 07 and i was 24. Obviously loosing a parents relative or anyone is a hard thing to go through, but I totally understand what your saying about the age. Growing up I never got along with my mom we always fought. I never would have dreamed that I would be close to my mom. When I turned 20 I started to actually have a normal relationship with my mother where I talked to almost daily. As time went one my mother became my best friend. I actually can’t believe i’m saying that. I deffinately miss her a lot and find it difficult when i’m thinking about my future and not having her around. I can relate to what your saying.
June 17, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I’m 26 years old and lost my mom just 3wks ago. My mom raised 7 daughters by herself and we have all been close. my mom was diagnosed with cancer in Nov 2007 and died May 25th 2008. I never thought I would lose her at my age. I always thought she would be there on my wedding day or when I have my first child. Another thing I realize is that most people our age really don’t understand, if my boyfriend and I break up I can’t call my mom to talk to her about it, or call her to go shopping, or if I lose my job I can’t go “home” we are on our own now and that scares me. I too have tried to find books that relate to me and it is nearly impossible. they are for children or middle aged people that have lost parents.
July 9, 2008 at 9:07 am
I came across your blog just surfing online, and I am so grateful. I lost my mom last Fall, when my son was just 5 months old. She lived halfway across the world, and visited me when my son was just 4 weeks old. She and my dad spent 2 wonderful months with us. Then she returned home to be with her younger sister who was terminally ill. My aunt passed away just few weeks after my mother returned home. And then a week after that, my mother went into a coma from a brain aneurysm and passed away 3 days later. I am the only child, so my dad is now alone at home.
This year has been awfully difficult for me, and emotionally exhausting and confusing as I am not able to face and cope with my grief. My mom and I had a very close, and sometimes tempestuous relationship – just like close friends do – we fought often, but we laughed together even more often. She was my rock, my sounding board, my comfort and conscience. Even though we lived across the world from each other, we had email, phone, video chat and periodic visits. Now the silence is deafening, and the desolation can really get to me when i allow myself a quiet moment. As we approach my mom’s first anniversary, i am seriously considering counseling, esp. when my dad is here for a visit this Fall, and perhaps we can go to a grief counselor together. My dad has been my rock in this time, coping with his own grief and being so understanding and loving of me and my new family.
July 16, 2008 at 4:52 am
My 38 yr co-worker (single mom to a 6 yr old daughter) lost her mom to cancer after a 17 month battle. I find it very difficult to find words or deeds to help to comfort my co-worker. Yes, I take e trays of food and bottles of water to her home. I want to do more – I want to talk w/her about her feelings, her lost, her tomorrows w/o her mom. However, I too cannot find anything to help w/this very ddifficult positon that Im in. Any and all help will be greatly appreaciated.
July 17, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Oh my god. I just recently got internet savvy, and feel blessed to have found your blog. My mom passed away on 1/7/08 from lung cancer, and so many times you feel alone, like noone could understand exactly what you are feeling. But you all do. I have two young children and they were her world. My mom was my best friend. I remember the day before she died she told me to buck up and deal with it. That I would have a lot to do now for the family and so forth. I said I was not ready to lose my best friend. She looked at me and said you will find a new best friend. Man were those hard words to hear. I do not want a new best friend, I want my mom. Life will go on and I will survive, but there are days that it sure does not seem like it. I was just sitting here starting to write a story about my mom and her battle and needed a break and thought I would look up losing a mom on the internet and I found this. Thankyou
July 18, 2008 at 12:23 am
Thank you for your blog. I am 22 and just found out that my dad has lung cancer. The hardest part is not knowing how severe it is. He is very secretive and does not want to talk about it. Unfortunately, we do not have an extremely close relationship, and I fear that this is going to make my grieving process when I eventually lose him that much harder. I am going to visit him this next week, and want to make it a memorable week, just in case it is the last time I see him. Does anyone have any ideas, something they wished they had done or said to their loved one? As I said before, we are not that close, I love him dearly, but he is just a distant man, so I worry this might be a very awkward week. I will need all the strength I have to get through it. Please keep me in your prayers.
July 30, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Hi Heather,
I lost my Mom September 28, 07 to lung cancer. She was diagnosed in July and didn’t make it very long. There are so many things I wish I would have said, or not said during that time, or really my whole life. But, your Dad knows how much you love him and while it may be an awkward week, sometimes sitting in silence can be a good thing if that is what he would like. You could maybe write a letter for him to read after you leave, telling him how much you love him. My Mom, Dad and sister were all the best of friends and life is still so hard without her. We all struggle daily. I am blessed that a local grief support group for spouses (my Dad joined in February) offered a group for our age (I’m 30). There are 3 of us and it has been so helpful. Although your Dad is still with you, you are already grieving your potential loss. We did that from day one of the diagnosis also. You may want to check to see if a local group is available to you, it is wonderful for resources and support. Feel free to email me if you’d like, leahmassengale@yahoo.com. Thank you all for writing, I am very happy that I found this blog tonight. My prayers are with you!
August 2, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Val, I’m so amazed at how your writing reached out and touched so many people with problems similar to yours. Having just lost our Mom/Grandma, we both are again going to be making adjustments. Even though death is part of living and vice-versa, and even though Mom was certainly ready to die, I for one will feel very empty when Sunday night comes and she will not be at the other end of the line.
However, what I wanted to write you about is in response to the losing of your Mom at a time when you were just getting ready to know her as a young adult and mother. My experience is not the same, but we did walk somewhat similar paths. Your grandfather, my Dad, died when my Inga was just about two (I think). It was devastating to me, partly because my relationship with Dad had been strained because we’d moved to a town four hours from him and Dad somehow made it clear that by moving away he thought I’d turned my back on the family. My husband made it worse because he was not close to Dad and he thought that the thing to do was not to come back until the last possible minute to be part of the family rituals. I went to the funeral home by myself for visitation, and Grandma was a rock for me…saying, “If your husband is not comfortable with funerals, we will be here for you and you should not worry!” But…over the years, when our son was born, there was a hole in my joy because I knew Dad would never enjoy him or see him or be a part of his life.
Losing parents as young adults is everything that you said in your blog. Your insights are sound. The pain of loss doesn’t go away naturally. About two weeks after Dad died, though, I was driving home and I decided to talk to Dad and tell him about my hurts, about my frustration about his interpretation of his relationship, and about how angry I felt at losing him so soon and about how we never worked things through. I cried and I hollered and I explained and explained that I had not turned my back on the family by following my career path. Amazingly….that experience put me back in touch with Dad and calmed me in a way that nothing else ever has.
I am sorry this is long.
August 6, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Hello!
I absolutely loved this blog. My situation is slightly different from yours, however, I feel the same feelings that you have expressed. I am currently 30 years old and I lost my father on March 5th of 2008. I am not married nor do I have any children. From the day we heard he had cancer (Sept. 2007), all that I could think about is he will never meet my children. My children will never experience the love he had to share. As I search for how to work through my grief all I find is loosing a loved one, in the sense of a child or spouse. It is hard to loose a parent so young. I grew up with two sets of grandparents and always believed that is how it is suppose to be. It is extremely hard to change that mindset.
Heather, there are so many things I wanted to say to him before he died. However, when I was around him all I wanted it to be is a “nice” visit. I regret not saying exactly what needed to be said. Not knowing how saying everything would have worked out, I can not advise letting everything out; however, I do believe if there is something that you have wanted to tell him for some time, now is the time. We don’t get second chance. I unfortunately could not accept the fact that he was dying. He just had cancer, people survive cancer these days, right? So now I am left with these thoughts that I can’t release…just a thought!
Wishing you all well…thank you for the blog and comments!
Shelly
August 9, 2008 at 12:06 pm
This is Leah, I blogged a few weeks ago. I just had what could be the saddest experience since my Mom died happen to me. I am 13 weeks pregnant & decided today to go look for baby furniture. I’ve looked a bunch online & it didn’t bother me at all. My husband was busy doing yardwork so I decided to run down there by myself. Shouldn’t be a big deal right?? i realized immediately after walking in the front door that I had made a mistake. Every pregnant woman there had her mother with her. I was so sad. I’ve been saddened since I found out I was pregnant, simply b/c my wonderful mother and my best friend won’t be here to experience being a grandmother. I didn’t realize that seeing all of these blessed women with their mother’s would affect me so much. I made a brisk walk around the store and basically trotted out the door to keep from breaking down right there! Anyone have any wonderful cribs they would like to recommend so that I don’t have to go to any stores? Online shopping I think is the way to go for me.
Thank you all for listening & I hope you are all well,
Leah
August 19, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Hi, my name is Caralee. I am, 22, and the 2nd youngest of 5 children. We just lost our mother in April, 2008 to Cancer. I live at home while attending University. It was just my parents and younger brother living at home when Mom got sick. I stayed home mostly and took care of Mom up until the end. I am so devastated because I feel that I’m not all grown up yet. I know that I still had worlds of things to learn from her. We were just starting to become friends too, you know what I mean? I was past the “oh MOm!” (eyeroll) stage, and I was doing her makeup, and learning to cook, and actually starting to really talk to her.
I think that you’re right about it being different to lose a parent as a young adult. I’ve been looking for resources on this type of experience, –But I havent really been able to find much information on parental loss during this period of maturation.
My little brother was still Momma’s Boy at 20years of age, and he has espectially taken her passing really hard. Plus, 1 of my sisters is pregnant for the first time, and had found out while Mom was very ill. My other sister, is pregnant for the second time, and found out just after Mom’s passing. Any good information that you have/could direct me to on the experiences of losing a mother as a young adult woman/man, or as a pregnant woman, would be appreciated.
Thank you for addressing this issue!
August 25, 2008 at 10:47 am
Hello, my name is Mandy and I just lost my Momma at age 57 on July 1, 2008. I am 29 years old and my husband and I just got married in Dec. of 2007. My Momma had C.O.P.D., a lung disease that we knew would take her from us. She had been on oxygen 24/7 for a couple of years and was still teaching 7th grade English, she had been a teacher for about 35 years and truly loved every minute of it. We had four wonderful days with her at home after a long fight in the hospital, before the Lord took her, she was even able to speak to us a little, a blessing we thought was not possible after we took her off the vent.
My Dad, her best friend for 37 years of marriage is actually managing her absence better than I ever thought he would. He is now my daily phone call instead of Momma, however, the conversation is much different with him. He really is a great Dad and I have always been Daddy’s girl, it just is a different relationship with him than the one I had with Momma. I have an older sister, 37, we are not as close as we used to be for reasons stemming from before my Momma passed. She was never really close with Dad and now their strained relationship sits like a rock on my chest. I know that Momma would know what to say and do to help them heal.
Like you, I feel as if I am just beginning this new stage in my life and I feel LOST without my Momma. My husband and I want to start a family and now that we are ready, I need my Momma’s advice more than ever. She was such a wise woman, a great judge of character, I honor her every chance I get. I also just completed my M.B.A. and never got to have that celebratory dinner with the family. School just started back in my community and my heart hurts when I think of some other teacher using my Momma’s room. She loved that school so much, I feel as if she was the school in so many ways.
I have a constant ache for her, to talk to her, to feel her, to smell her. This past mother’s day, I wrote a poem for her from my sister and I, just trying to put into words some of the love and gratitude we feel for her. While writing the poem, I had no idea that in less than two months it would be read at her funeral, that is a thought that never crossed my mind. I’ve been looking for some help through the internet, I’m thankful I found your blog. I know grieving is an individual process; however, I think I should be past the almost constant urge to cry. My husband has been wonderful through all of this, he is my rock. The uncertainty in my life used to be exciting and I welcomed the challenge. Now as I face the possibility of motherhood, uncertainty has altered my hope to something more like doubt. I’m clinging to my faith, my husband, and my Dad, I just know Momma will not let me fail as a mother.
Thank you for letting me share.
Here is an excerpt of the poem I wrote for Momma titled “In her…”
In her, the daughters saw the meaning of unconditional, selfless, and grace,
In her, they learned how to be themselves, to not follow but lead the pace,
In her, they found a mother, a biggest fan, a confidant and a best friend,
In her, they learned the value of family, those who would stand with you ‘til the end,
In her, they found laughter, music, performing, dancing, and jest,
In her, they learned all things worth doing, deserve nothing but your best,
In her, they saw how to be a wife, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a mother,
In her, they learned to accept defeat, disappointment and hurt from another,
In her, they learned that God’s will is not always what you thought you had in mind,
In her, they learned that the answer is always near, seek and you shall find,
In her, they saw how to be the women they have become today,
In her, they saw how to laugh, cry, rejoice, comfort, grow, and play.
So it is possible for two wonderful daughters to come from the same mold,
You just have to have the most perfect mother and allow God’s will to unfold.
August 26, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I lost my dad at age 16 and my mom last dec at age 19.. i get sick just walking by cig smoke. The only thing that gets me is i know they didnt know they was gonna past away.. but it was thier choice to smoke…. so they killed themselfs??? I’m just having a hard time living with that fact. I lost my parents to choices they made, over a long period of time.
October 3, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Thank you. Oh man, all I can say is, thank you so very much. I lost my father last week. I’ve been miserable. I don’t have anyone I can talk to that has ANY idea of what I’m going through. I’m an only child and everyone I know that has lost a parent has been in their late 40’s or 50’s. I couldn’t find anything online relating to -my- situation, until I found your page. My father had been sick for as long as I can remember. Emphysema, rhumatoid *sp* arthritis… I grew up watching him deteriorate. He was 72; though I am only 22. I’m devastated. He was my daddy, and now he’s gone forever. I relate completely to the paragraph about him not being there for -my- milestones. That’s all I ever wanted. Him to at least be at my wedding, and he won’t be. We had issues when I was little, but right around 17 we started getting a bit closer, then I completely distanced myself when I saw how badly he was suffering. I just needed more time to figure out how to deal with it, and life in general. I’ve barely been an “adult” for 4 years. And now, since I’m still young and naive, I’ve lost all chance and hope to ever have the relationship with him I’ve always longed for. I’m afraid now to even think about those milestones… my boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage for a while now, and now I’m just too afraid. My daddy won’t be there, how can I possibly do it without him?
Thank you again for understanding me, even though we’ve never met. It’s very comforting to see that there is someone who knows. Yet it’s also very sad, because I hate the thought that someone else has felt this immeasurable amount of pain.
November 15, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Val,
my mom died on october 2. I am 27. I got married to my bf of 5 years in feb. of this year. My children are 6 and 3. She was my back up and my best friend. She died of a heart attack very suddenly. My daughter got off the bus and couldn’t get in the house and my father had to come home to find his wife of 46 years dead on the bedroom floor. She was still in her pjs. My mom left in her wake my inconsoloable father, and myself, their only child and now 4 grandchildren. I feel like I am walking an odd path. I am a hospice nurse. THe whole idea of death is a daily occurence, day in and day out.I am not scared of death. I do not regret the way she died as it is only what any of us can hope for. She was only 64 yrs old. My marriage is suffering and the relationship I have with my own children is strained. I felt the need to share this. Thanks for anyone who reads and responds. It is appreciated.
Kelli
February 3, 2009 at 9:32 am
I’m just realizing how much of an effect the loss of my mother is having and has had on my life. I’m currently 28, and lost my mom to cancer in my early 20s. Back then I thought I was strong and grounded….with the ability to grow and move forward. Today, and looking back I realize I’ve been running away from my past, home, city, friends, and family in the years that followed her death. I was an only child and my mother and I were very close. We had a few rough times just before she got sick…which leaves me torn open with regret, and guilt. Overall I know my mom knew I loved her more than anything. And I know she did me. There wasn’t a moment in her life that she didn’t tell me how proud she was of me. Every little or big achievement of mine was never ever overlooked. I was her baby.
I wish I was better to her in the months proceeding her illness. I wish I called more, I wish I was more caring, and sensitive instead of fearful and withdrawn. I wish I laid with her in the hospital bed like good children do in the movies. It haunts me…how much I would do over if I could rewind. And “they tell you to talk about it” which feels so hard when so many in your life just DO NOT, and can’t understand. One day they will in their own way, but currently they can not put themselves in my shoes because they have yet to “feel” it.
It sucks. It hurts and stings in the most messed up way imaginable. You ask yourself, Why…why now, why her…why this way, time and moment….when I need her most. I know that’s being selfish, but loosing my mom at such an early part of my adulthood has really done a psychological number on my choices, direction, relationships, and career. It’s been a long road, and will never end. Hopefully soon I will find better ways of dealing with my loss, and seek proper counseling. But all in all thank you for your words. It’s comforting to know I am not alone when searching and searching for advice on this type of grief and just can’t find it. I hate when others act as though I just need to toughen up and move on…or when some people act as though it’s NOT AS BIG OF A DEAL as losing your mother younger. It’s a big deal, a very big deal. And I miss her, daily…every second of every day actually. This journey has been a confusing one, and I’m still trying to learn how to properly be an “Adult.” If I could truly be half the woman she was I think I’d turn out just fine.
But in time.
February 4, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Taschka–I so resonate with your comment–so much so that I think I’m going to go blog about that a bit in a new post. IT does suck. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. But do know that you are NOT alone. I’ve been getting comments on this post for 2 years now, mostly because there’s not a lot out there for what we are experiencing, but you can see out of these almost 60 comments, we are NOT alone in feeling this way.
February 9, 2009 at 12:32 am
I dont think you can talk with most people about our losses simply because they dont understand. They don’t know what we are going through and they don’t have the words. It just seems as if all the comforting words don’t help. Maybe because we just want to and need to grieve.
My dad died at 59 to heart failure. I was 30 and my daughter was only 9 months old. It was a shock to us all especially my mom. My mom was always so depressed that we didnt know until 10 months after my dad died that she had brain cancer. It breaks my heart that the last year of her life was filled with so much pain. She died 2 months later also at 59 years old. At the same time she was diagnosed with brain cancer i gave birth to my second child. I was supposed to be overjoyed with my new baby and our growing family and yet so sad and numb at loosing both my parents within less than a year. I dont have words to describe the loss, fear, and hurt. To feel you have been cheated. My parents were my best friends.
Thank you for this blog and a chance to read about others in similar situations and a chance for me to have a good cry and share.
February 18, 2009 at 2:33 am
Wow. Reading all of your blogs have made me feel as though I am not alone. I am an only child and lost my mother to lung cancer when I turned 21…she was diagnosed 2 days after I graduated high school when I was 17. I am now 25 and the pain hurts just as badly as the day she died…if not worse now, because when she was sick and finally passed away I was numb. Its an indescribable, horrific, God awful, feeling to know that your mother, your best friend in life cannot be there to see you get married, and to have children. Also because a mother’s duty is to support her children and keep them mentally “grounded” I find myself worrying and obsessing over things that I shouldn’t. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? For instance, thinking a freckle is automatically skin cancer, or a strange pain in their chest (when its probably gas is something really terrible. Just thinking about getting pregnant scares me because I wont be able to talk to my mom and say “did this happen to you to?!”"Oh good, now I can relax and not create anxiety induced preeclampsia
That being said, I want to thank you all for posting your stories…we are a unique group that have lost our mothers just as we are becoming semi-comfortable in out own skin. A time when we need just a much guidance (though a different kind) as we did when we were first learning to walk. Please continue to post blogs as they have become a wonderful therapy to me.
xoxo
February 21, 2009 at 3:34 am
My mum died of COPD on 25-Nov-08, when I was 15 weeks pregnant. I was 35 and she was 63. I’m so sad that she died so prematurely; that she never got to be an old lady, or a grandmother. I’ve really missed her throughout the rest of my pregnancy. I would have loved to share my experiences with her more and ask her what was it like for you?
I am lucky that I did get to say those words “Mum, I’m pregnant”, and I’m so pleased that we told our parents as soon as we knew instead of waiting to reach the ’safe’ 3-month benchmark. She was so happy for us. She had shared her excitement and concerns with her friends. She had always been so happy for her friends as they became grandmothers so she loved being able to share with them ‘I’m going to be a grandmother’. She was looking forward to helping us, and she was hoping to buy us a pram or something similar. The last time I went shopping with her she wanted to buy us some baby clothes. I wish I had let her do this when she offered, but it was so early on in the pregnancy that it felt unlucky to get it before we were out of the miscarriage-zone. If I had of realised that she had so little time left such concerns were so misplaced, now, I wish I had let her. I regret this so much. She had expressed concern to her friends that she wouldn’t be able ‘to be like other grandmother’s’, as she was too ill to help with baby and childcare. She wasn’t going to be able to be that active with the baby either, and would probably of had to limit the amount of time she held him due to her illness. It’s so painful to think how such concerns seem so irrelevant now, having been taken away from her, since she will never meet her grandson. She would have made a wonderful grandmother.
It’s been a struggle to juggle grief with happiness; such an incongruous mix of emotions to experience during pregnancy. It feels so strange that I’m at the happiest point in my life; I’ve finally met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and we are so happy to be having our first child, and yet I feel empty, sad and lonely… I miss my mum. My baby is due on 17-May-09 and I’m worried how I will feel, I know I will be overwhelmed by the happiness of a newborn, but I’m also anticipating a torrent of further grief, the stark absence of my mum will make it the happiest and saddest day of my life.
I’m trying to work out how do I convey the essence of my mum to my son in the future? How will he be able to love the memory of someone he’ll never meet? I want him to feel the love my mum already had for our unborn, for him to know that he would have been so loved, adored and dotted on by my mum. How can words express such concepts to a toddler?
March 17, 2009 at 11:03 am
I lost my mother unexpectantly on November 3, 2007 – she was only 60 years old. I was 19 weeks pregnant with my first child. In two weeks my daughter will be 1 year old. It marks the end to a wonderful year, but also a reminder of everything my mother has missed.
My daughter resembles my mom so much and has so many of her personality traits. I have a picture hung with liquid nail (so she can’t pull it off the wall) underneath the light switch in her room. It is on the lower part of the wall where it will stay so she can see it and every day we say hello to “Gandma” and tell her we love her.
My mom was so excited to become a “Gandma” again. My older brother already had a child, a little girl who loved her Gandma more than anything. Sydnee was 2 when my mother passed away. My brother’s wife was also pregnant again… due 6 weeks before me. My mom was about to have 2 more grandchildren.
My mother had heart disease and diabetes. She developed a bad infection in her lower right leg which ultimately, after several years of recurrence, required amputation. It was a tough situation, but my mother decided to move forward with the surgery. Her own mother had the same problems and elected not to have surgery finally resulting in death.
During the surgery, the doctor discovered the infection was much worse than he thought.
After surgery, my mom went to ICU and the infection continued to spread. She suffered another heart attack and we ultimately decided to remove her from the ventilator and let her go. She had a living will stipulating she did not want to be kept alive by any artificial means. My mother passed less than 30 hours after her surgery.
The last thing she told me while waiting to be taken back for surgery was, “Take care of that baby.” I insisted she would be fine and we would get her a new leg and would be out and about in no time. I strongly feel that she was in much more pain than she ever let on and knew in her heart it was worse than we knew.
I was able to hold her hand and tell her how great of a mother she was and how I am going to be a great mother because of her. I told her we would take care of dad… they would have been married 41 years just a few months later. It was nice to have the closure that so many people do not get.
But alas, I am a motherless mother. I am also a strong mother. There were lifestyle changes my mother could have made that I believe would have kept her with us much longer. Lifestyle changes I have made for my daughter. I am quit smoking while trying to conceive and will never light up again. I am watching my weight and trying to get back into an active exercise regimen. My mother was almost 30 when she had me… and I was almost 30 when I had my daughter. That means my mother’s life was already half over when she gave birth to me. I refuse to accept that and will not succomb to the same fate if at all possible. I will learn from this experience and be there for my daughter as she becomes a mother, unless the Good Lord decided otherwise.
But my sweet girl WILL know her grandmother. The picture hanging on her wall, the red plaid shirt that made my mom look so pretty is now a teddy bear in her room. The looks she gets when you try to get too close to her face and the fact that she gets so hot and only wants to sleep alone in her bed… never ever with anyone or on anyone. There are so many ways to convey the importance of that woman.
My mother and I were just becoming friends. I was embarking on a journey where I am needing her more than ever. We were getting to know each other on an adult level.. and experience I will never know. And I have a wonderful mother-in-law, but it is NOT THE SAME. Never will be. As much as I crave that relationship, it is gone forever and I grieve daily. But she is in my heart and I am praying for all of you going through the same thing.
March 20, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I lost my mom when I was 14. When I needed her the most. Beginning highschool and experiencing things that a teenage girl goes through. I had no n=one I really wanted to talk to because there is no one like mom. Now I have children of my own, I feel really disconnected to them because I’m still trying to deal with not having my mom their to mold me into the women I should be. I close myself up from everyone(especially my children)or either show anger to those that dont deserve it. I feel that i don’t know how to love even though I want to love and be love, but beacause of the absence of my mom it is hindering me.
March 29, 2009 at 4:15 pm
2008 was a rough year for me. I seemed to have about every emotional high and low that year, and it only seems to be getting worse. 2008 started by me finishing up my last semester of classes in college, getting married and moving to NC to be with my husband who is a Marine. After moving down I soon started my internship who by April had hired me on full time and I graduated from college. My parents came down to visit for Mother’s Day, and this is when I told them I was pregnant. My parents were so excited, that when they got back home, they started buying everything they could find. In June my mom got what we thought were the shingles. She had healed up in time for me to visit her for July 4th, and we spent an awsome weekend together. By the time my husband and I had made it back to NC, my dad had called me and told me he had to take mom into the ER. When I was home, she too looked as if she were pregnant. We laughed and joked that we were the women from “Father of the Bride part 2″. Well her visit to the ER began the last part of her illness. She was in and out of the hosptil every other week until October 30th. In the meantime I was having a difficult pregnancy. I had gone into labor at 22 wks from a bacterial infection I got from being attacked by a boneyfish on Labor Day. Luckily we caught it soon enough and it was stopped. I went home the first weekend of October for a baby shower. When I got home my mom had been in the hospital for about a week, but left that Sunday against Dr’s orders to be at my baby shower. We spent a wonderful day together. I’ll never forget it! I went home that Monday, and mom seemed to be doing a lot better. I left the 6th and I went into Labor again at 29 weeks from yet again another bacterial infection. (which they never found/ confirmed) This time they couldn’t stop it. I was already 8cm by the time I got to the hospital. My husband called my dad and told him what was going on, but he refused to tell my mom because she was in ICU at this point. She had been out of the hospital for 2 weeks and just got back in. At this point we still did not know much about her illness. They were constantly running tests on her. After I had my son, I called my mom and said “hi grandma.” She was exstatic! She was so excited! She told everyone she saw. With my son being born almost 3 months early, we knew he had to fight for his life as well. I was stuck between wanting to be with my son in NC and wanting to be with my mom in Ohio. It was rough. Then Oct 28th came. My dad called me and said “I think you need to come home. I’m not saying that your mom is dying, but she needs a liver transplant and I dont think she is going to make it that long. She needs to see you to cheer her up.” That Wed the 29th I went home to be with her and I suprised her. She wasnt happy to see me because she had always told me to “take care of that baby!” But she got over that and we sat and talked about how cute her Dr was. It was so cute! She kept saying “dont tell him I think hes hot!” So we had a few laughs about that. That night I said “Good night mom. I Love You” just as I had my whole life. The next morning we came in and the Drs said she had a rough night throwing up blood. We walked in to see her and all she said was “I Love You” and then rolled over and started breathing all weird. We called the Dr’s in to check on her. At this point I had to talk to a Lactation specialist because I had just had my son and was still trying to breastfeed. My dad was walking down the the waiting room where I was while the Dr’s were checking her out and on his way they yelled “code blue” and dad ran to me and said that it was for mom. They revived her and took her straight to the ICU. We found out she had a “do not resesitate” on her info and she was on life support at this point. Drs said she wasnt going to get better so dad and I discussed it and decided we needed to take her off. She wouldnt have wanted to live like that. It was the hardest thing we have ever done. Dad and I stayed right there with her the whole time. It was a very violent death. It was horrible. There are images from that day that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. She never got to see her grandson other than in pictures, but he had all his tubes and things on him in the picture. 3 weeks after we buried my mom, my grandpa/ mom’s dad passed away at 92. Our family just had it with death. We were all having a really difficult time with this. Well, just 2 days ago I found out my uncle/ mom’s brother, died of a heart attack while on his way home from a business trip. I am still greiving over the loss of my mom and the fact that she did not get to meet her 1st grandson. Then I have to deal with the loss of my grandfather and my uncle, all of whom I was very close with. My mom was my best friend, and I was her only child. The day she passed my dad decided it was time for me to know more about myself and my mom. My parents had adopted me at 3 days old. I always knew this, but I then find out that the mom I have always known, was actually my cousin. I wanted nothing more than to talk to her and tell her how awsome that was. She was always to nervous to tell me because she wasn’t sure how I would react. My uncle who just passed is the only other member of the family that knows about my biological family. Now I have no one to ask any questions. Thats a whole other story in itself. I am having a hard time greiving and being a mom at the same time. Something everyone should remember is that God will never give you more than you can handle. This is something I am having to tell myself everyday! That and reading the Serenity prayer. But sometimes I feel alone in this. I feel like nothing like this has happened to anyone else, and Im all alone, but I now know that Im not the only one. And now its my turn to help my cousin and her daughter. My mom and I have always been close to my cousin who just lost her father. And because we now have the same experience in losing a parent, I can try and help her as well.
If anyone has any advice for helping someone, for things to say, anything…please let me know. Even though Ive been through this recently, its still hard to know what to say.
ashlyb_27@hotmail.com
April 5, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I lost my dad when I was 24 and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I feel now at 29 that it is still very much in my head all of the time. My father was sick his whole life (strokes,heart attacks) and I always kind of knew since I was little that my dad probably wouldn’t be around when I got older. He even told me that the next time he probably wouldn’t make it because he had already had 3 heart attacks and after the final one the Dr. was amazed at how long he actually made it because his heart was in very bad shape. He was the definition of strong and to me he was a super man. He never took time off work and worked everyday. As soon as he would get released from the hospital, he would always be at work the next day, not because he had to but because he loved it. When he died I had to look after everything, because my mom left him 2 years before,and my brother was addicted to meth. It was bad and to make matters worse I told my brother two weeks before that dads health was deteriorating because he constantly worried about him and his grandson and wife. I think about it everyday, and I mean everyday since he died. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share the stories and feelings and feel it is a tremendous asset for support and just to know we are not alone.
April 12, 2009 at 11:13 pm
You are right on the money. There is so much focus on small children that lose parents which I cannot even begin to imagine. And then there are older people that pass away and that’s looked about as “well, thats how life is.” I lost my father at 23, he was only 49 and was killed in a car accident. As my mother lives accross the country, we were extremely close. We were just getting to that adult to adult relationship and it was a blast! I think the support and resources for our age group are limited. Society assumes that since we are over age 18, we can deal. But what about my father walking me down the isle, or in this case not. My children not having a grandfather. I’m 100% behind you, for me its only been about 7 months but although I’m not 10 years old, I’m still just not okay.
I really appreciate you sharing your feelings..it was so extremely helpful..at least a don’t feel like a complete lunatic – thank you!!
May 23, 2009 at 9:07 am
I am new to the grieving process – I would guess I am in the numb stage. I am 38 and recently lost my mother to cancer. I am doing whatever research I can to help me better cope. My mother was only 60. It doesn’t matter how old you are as the child, losing a parent is an awful thing. I have read that some people are still grieving years after the loss, I am just hoping things will get easier.
May 23, 2009 at 2:20 pm
It wont ever get easier…just more livable, if that makes any sense…
there will be great days…and there will be God awful days…and you start to learn that this is just how life will be from now on and that you will have to go on as best you can. remember to keep the memories alive! watch old videos, read old notes, look at old pictures (keep them all in a safe place) that will all help you cope!
May 23, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Thank you Leah. I am not ready for life to go on “as normal” nor do I want it to and I’m afraid conflict will eventually result for the people who expect that it should. Everyone as we know has their own idea of how long someone should mourn. My maximum time in public (which I’ve just recently attempted) without having an outburst of tears is about 1 hour.
June 19, 2009 at 7:28 am
It doesn’t get easier…it just gets different. You have to treat your broken soul and crushed spirit just as you would treat a broken leg or crushed arm. You can’t just stick a band-aid on it and expect it to just get better on its own. Pay attention, nurse the pain, do the therapy, and work at it. It’s amazing how many people just think they can keep moving on and going about life without stopping to take care of their spirit and nurture the “self”. It does not ever go back to “normal”…you have to create a “new normal”. It’s very difficult, and no one teaches us how to do this. I’m very sorry to hear about your mom. My thoughts are with you.
June 19, 2009 at 7:23 am
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this article and agree wholeheartedly with the statements you have made about our generation and loss of a parent. My wonderful dad had a massive stroke on his 60th birthday while we were getting ready to cut his cake. I was 30. It was horrible and scary, and I have spent the past 2.5 years trying to work through this grief. For the past year or so, I have been struggling about deciding whether or not to start a family, and I just can’t decide. I cannot imagine my dad not being here to be a grandpa, and I know my grief is holding me back from getting off the fence and making a decision. I don’t want my grief to be the reason I choose to have a family or not, but I just can’t see through the pain to make up my mind. I know people don’t realize how much of an impact and devastating loss it is to lose a parent during this time in life. You’re right…the resources and support groups sort of skip over the timing of this loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wish the best to all of you who have lost a parent while trying to figure out how to move forward into your adult life. I’m still struggling.
August 9, 2009 at 1:06 pm
i know this is quite an old post, but iv just found it when i really needed it, im 23 and lsot my mum three weeks ago iv yet to have children or be married. and im in my first year training to be a nurse. it really helped to read your story and i complety 100% agree. i keep fining myself get so angry at what i wont experience with my mum she was only 49. i thought everyone know how i felt untill i mentioned to my nan and aunti about how hard i was fining it with the thought my children will never know there nan. i have such a good relationship with my nan i feel aufull that when i have children they will never have that. and i know when i find the right man no matter how much i talk about my mum they will never understand fully what a wounderfull women she was and the person she was and neither will my children. just nice to know im not they only person with these feelings.
August 18, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I lost my dad April 24, 2009. I am only 22 years old and just finished college. My dad passed away from a heart at work. I was the last one to talk to him on the phone that day, just getting advice about insurance and our last words to each other was “I’ll see you tonight”. Was on my way of moving out and my dad was helping me with that to. Now I am left at home with my mom to help to keep her this house. Reading this article just helped and didn’t make me feel so lost. Just hard I lost my dad when I needed him the most.
August 20, 2009 at 7:45 am
I am 40 now. I lost my mum 20 years ago this November, and my Dad 2 years later. I am married now, with 3 children and another one the way. My husband’s parents are lovely, as is he, but it hurts when they say things like ‘he is exactly like his Dad’. I know they don’t mean to be unkind but I just wish there was someone still around who could comment on the resemblance of one of my babies to my childhood self. But there is no one. My brother, who is 7 years older than me, is useless – he was never sympathetic and a bit of a bully really and after both my parents died seemed to think he had free rein to treat me as badly as he liked – with the consequence that I left the area for good. So I feel I have lost all links with my early life, and my parents, and that they play no role in my or my children’s lives. Sometimes I feel so sad – I’ll look at a picture of my Mum, particularly, and feel overcome with sadness for both me and her. I never got to know her as an adult, or find out who she really was. Sometimes I wonder if I really remember her at all. As a 20 year old student who had just left home, I was still going through that stage of being a bit of a nightmare and establishing my own identity and independence (for which my brother made me feel so guilty I don’t think I can ever forgive him). My parents never met any of their grandchildren. My mum was never able to congratulate me on my marriage or the birth of my children. Even 20 years later, I feel so alone in the world and my children grieve the absence of the grandparents they never knew, especially my oldest, who is 11 and quite sensitive and switched on. I think this is a really under-researched area – the implications of losing a parent in early adulthood can be immense – they can affect not only the children, but the grandchildren too.
September 21, 2009 at 7:28 am
WOW…I am not alone! I just sat and read the entries for the last 2 hours and cried the whole time. Last night was tough night. Somehow it felt like no one could understand the nighmare I have been living. It feels good to know that I am not alone.
I lost my mom a year ago today. She lived in California where I am from, and I am away in graduate school in Chicago. I was not able to be with her in her final days/weeks because I was 9 months pregnant and unable to travel at the advice of my doctor. My mom passed away very suddenly…she went into the hospital and passed within 2 weeks. I had no time to prepare myself. In fact up until the last few days no one even talked about her not making it out. She died just 7 days before I delivered her first grand-daughter…for which she was so excited. She was scheduled to be with me in my delivery…help me set-up the nursery…advise me through the first few weeks at home with a new baby. Instead I was alone, just my husband and I because everyone else (my sister and brother) were in california grieving her loss and could hardly think about my delivery at that time. Her loss was so fresh, it was impossible to be happy and joyful at my daughters birth when I felt so shocked and sad inside. The worst part is that I was not able to say good bye…I love you…she stopped talking and slept most of the time…so I had to get reports by phone from my siblings on what was happening at the hospital. The stress of her just being sick and in the hospital actually sent me at 9 months pregnant to the hospital with elevated/rapid heart rate. I was in the hospital, hooked up the baby heart rate monitor doing a stress test when I got the call that she passed away. What a blow! It was the worst time in my life. I will never be the same.
Today I struggle with trying to enjoy my beautiful daughter who is almost 1. I feel like everyone around me is so happy with the new baby etc, but I live under a dark cloud and have to smile and fake it. It is a struggle and no one in my world knows how I feel. I am lost, I am sad and I am still in shock. It happened a year ago…how can I still be in shock? I did not really deal with the loss when I happened, I had a new baby within a week, and I was finishing up my degree. I had to “get back to work”. I took a 4 month maternity/grieving leave and was back to school after that. Just 6 months after she died I defended my dissertation. Now that nothing else is going on in my life…it is starting to really hit me. Unfortunately, everyone is gone, all the supportive friends and neighbors have left. I am on my own. I am lost, and I feel like I better find some help soon. One of my friends suggested that I my grief may be compounded by a bit of post-partum depression or baby blues. I don’t know…I am going to find a therapist ASAP. I think it would help to get some of this stuff out.
Thanks for reading and thanks for all the post…they were so helpful during one of my dark nights.
Jo
September 27, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I was looking for something like this, I was a week into 25 when I lost my father to Colon Cancer, on May 9 2009, almost 5 months ago..he was only 54. I know this isn’t about a mother, but i was looking for something, anything on how to deal with the crying and the extreme pain. I was so angry at him before he died, for not being there for my wedding or for not being there for my children. So much anger and yet I couldn’t control it. My bf had the opportunity to ask my father and my mom for their permission to marry me, they both said yes. And I am thankful for that everyday, but he won’t be htere to see it. I cry all the time for no reason, and most of all, because I was present when he actually passed away, I see him dead…all the time…
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this??
Please…
October 6, 2009 at 5:54 pm
I lost my dad in April (APRIL 2009.) It was a big shock, I’m 28 and he was only 53 – he died a week before his 24the birthday. I had also just split up with my partner of seven years the previous August – we were going to get married but it never happened…..
I always though that I would be older, married and have kids as some sort of comfort to ease the pain of this situation but it wasn’t mean to be for me and I can see from all of the posts that it doesn’t make a difference.
I have a lot of anger and pain – again this was not my mum who died but I need to get this out so I hope you all understand….
I had two weeks off work in which to “FIX” myself… of course I went back and have been OK, I guess because I have been so busy I have not really had time to think about it. I got made redundant and since not working I have not been able to sleep and regularly think about my dad and cry myself to sleep.
I will never have a dad to walk me up the aisle when I do get married and this makes me sad enough not to want to get married.
I have a friend whose dad dies 7 years agao – she still to this day cries…
I know my email is a bit all over the place – I’m upset, angry and disappointed with life.
On an up note – my plan to make things seem worthwhile is to remember the happy times I had with my dad. All too often we never get in life to do those things that we truly desire to do – whether that be jump out of a plane, swim with dolphins, or travel around the world. I have decided and I think if it is at all feasible that you all follow my idea to make a list of all those things your parent (whether that be mother or father) wanted to do or didn’t get to do in their lifetime and go and do them for them. They will experience these things and do them with you in spirit but you can do them in honor of them.
One other point I urge you to follow, it is something I wish to do when I am blessed with my first child, is to make a scrap book or regular holiday videos so that if god forbid or when in old age anyone of us passes over our children have something we wrote, photographed or videoed for them to remember us by because I REALLY wish apart from the few photos I have that I had more with which to remember my dad by.
Anyway – I will leave my email address if anyone wishes to get in contact just to talk…. without someone to help you through the downsides life is always that little bit harder.
You can reach me on F_RODGERSb@hotmail.com
Love, Peace and blessings to all of those who have lost a parent. I feel your pain.
xxxx
xxx
October 23, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I found out I was pregnant in early March. This was my first baby, and would be my parents 2nd grandchild. My now husband, proposed to me in April, within days my mother passed away very suddenly in her sleep from a Pulmonary Embolism. She was 56. I was 26. I spoke to her the night before, but rushed her off the phone because I was hanging out with some friends whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. That night plays over and over in my head. I wish I would of talked to her, to hear everything she had to say. I would give anything to hear her again, to see her again. To tell her I love her.
My mom had a very hard life. It wasn’t fair to her. I used to think she wasn’t a strong person because of the way her life was near the end, but God will only give us what we can handle and for her to handle all of that, she WAS a strong woman!
My mom suffered abuse in her home as a child from an alcoholic mother. Abuse from a husband. She lost her first child, my 1/2 sister, when she was just 19 in a terrible car accident. She lost her best friend to suicide shortly after. My father cheated on her and remained doing so the last 5 years my mom was alive. They still lived together so my dad could take care of her. She had a bad back from years of hard work, she got addicted to pain killers, and then once she found out about dad, she started drugs. My mother fell victim to other peoples sins. She thought they were her friends, but they only wanted her money. I watched my mom get taken away in a police car when I was 23. To see my sad mother crying, hand cuffed and so scared, taken away because she made a bad decision. Because she found a way to cope, that wasn’t the right way, but it made her for once feel good. It hurts to know that she didn’t get to experience much of life after that. They put her on house arrest, and although she had been clean for a while, they denied letting her off. I barely saw my mom during that time, she began heavily smoking, (which she never did before), I always used that as an excuse not to see her, or because I am allergic to cats and she had them inside. She would call me sometimes and ask what I was doing, our conversations never lasted too long. I didn’t feel connected to her as I used to when I was a teenager and she was my best friend. Her pain took her life.
Before I found out I was pregnant my mom was sent to the hospital for seizures. She’s never had them before. They sent her home, only for her to go back hours later. It hurts to know she suffered like this…..
They put her on a breathing machine and induced coma until they could treat her. It was an infection that spread to her brain. She was in the hospital for weeks. I cried when I went to visit her, to see her like that. I just wanted my mom back.
One day at work my dad called and said someone wants to talk to you, “Candi” she called out, her voice so raspy from the tubes. I said MOM. I love you! She told me she loved me too.
I got to see her after that and we talked. She told me she was sorry for how she had been, what she had done. She said she was a bad mom, but I told her, God is giving you that 2nd chance. I never thought, not once, that my mom was a bad mom, she just made some bad choices in life, like I did when I was younger, mom just made them after experiencing difficult times in her life. I remember holding my moms hand in the hospital, so soft. Aging hands of my mother.
She was transferred to an assisted living facility to begin treatment. She couldn’t move too much from being in the bed and in a coma for so long. She hated it there and wanted to leave all the time. I called my dad when he was visiting there one day and had them put me on speaker phone so everyone could hear. I told them I was pregnant. Everyone was happy. Well, mom said “Oh no!” LOL, but I know she was happy. Soon after my mom left the facility early on her own before treatment was up. That was when it all went down hill. She started smoking again because of an incident with my dads girlfriend calling the house. I was so upset with my mom, I told her I knew she;d start again and I thought she was stronger than that. My mom had days where she was dizzy. I never listened to her complain too much because I always avoid drama, it’s depressing to me. I wish I would of listened though. She went to the dr’s to see what was wrong. Nothing found. Days later she died in her sleep.
It’s so unreal losing a parent. The order of life is set to do just that, but moms life wasn’t. She lost her daughter first. Her best friend, and then her husband of 29 years had been cheating. I can only imagine her pain compared to mine. She fought so hard and so quietly. She self medicated herself to deal with it because that was all she knew. I wasn’t there for her. I stood back and shook my head. I had given up home early after finding out about the drugs. I am glad she was clean though and she knew she was going to be a grandma. I am sad she didn’t make it to my wedding. She did pay for the honey moon, that was her gift she said.
I am now almost 9 months pregnant. I am having a baby boy. I think about her every day. Her smile, her laugh. I wish she could be here right now beside me helping me. This pain hasn’t gone away, some days it feels like day one all over again. You cope the best way you can……thought it still hurts, you learn to recover easier each time. Tears are good to let out every once in a while.
I am sorry this is so long. If anyone would like to talk, please email me candibrewer09@yahoo.com
October 24, 2009 at 12:29 am
I am 28 now, I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer on Dec 9th 2007, I was 26. I still lived at home with her at the time and I was single with no kids. I still live in our family home. It will soon be two years but the loss feels like just yesterday. Sometimes I feel so cheated, sometimes I’m envious of people I know who still have their moms and sometimes I’m ok. I have my moments when I just cry, I cry because she is no longer here. I was just getting to really know her and I was just getting to really know myself and I still needed her. I like to think that perhaps there is some divine reason for her being taken and perhaps I didn’t need her as much as thought. What I do know is not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, that I don’t want just a brief conversation with her or want her advice. Words can never fully desribe the loss or how much I miss her and how important she was to me.
I’ve found happiness in a new relationship and life’s simple pleasures but there is always a part of me that feels empty and that feels likes something is missing. It’s scary to imagine going through life with this void that can’t be filled by anyone else but I know she would have wanted me to keep on going and make the most out of everyday.
I think about having my own family more now than ever before because I want to give the gift she has given me to someone else……this gift of unconditional, eternal love.
October 24, 2009 at 6:00 am
I am 28 years old, 16 weeks pregnant, and just found out that my mom’s lymphatic cancer has spread to her lungs and other parts of her body. I am so devastated, and cannot stop crying. My family was worried that the stress of my mom’s illness will cause me to miscarry, and did not want to tell me the bad news last night. My mom however, thought that she needed to be upfront with me because she knows I would not like to be left in the dark. It makes me so sad to think that my mom might die before my baby is born and not get a chance to see her grandchild. My mom said she is trying to fight this just so she can see her grand baby, and that I need to be strong for the baby. I know that this is part of life, but it sucks!I don’t think I am ready for any of this, yet I know I need to trust in God that he will comfort my mom, family, and myself during this time. I know I need to stay positive and hope for the best for her, but in reality I also know that she might not be able to fight this one. Anyhow, I felt the need to get this off my chest, and reading everyone’s stories has helped me to see that I am not alone in this. Thank you for all your personal stories.
November 9, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I lost my mother suddenly (heart attack) the day before I gave birth to my son. If you haven’t lived through it, no one knows what it is like. I was in the hospital recoving from my son’s birth (C section)so never attended the funeral and all of those things that help you with the idea of death. I look back and am amazed I even survived dealing with the death of my mom and having a newborn. Fast forward 29 years later and I am now dealing with my dad who is terminally ill. The sorrow comes in such waves…..I am 55 and not ready to be an orphan yet…..